"So, you're telling me, after losing your first father figure for 5 years, being brainwashed, assassinate people, watching your mother figure die, that you don't have nightmares."
"No, ma'am."
Cecelia was sitting on the couch of her court mandated therapists office. After everyone came back to the blip, the government came together again. They knew about Cecelia and Bucky, and then made them get therapy.
Her therapist was Dr. Christina Raynor, she was in the U.S military for 3 years before coming a therapist. She was both Bucky and Cecelia's therapist. Both of them hated the shrink.
Cecelia was sitting with her legs crossed and her hands clasped together. She looked at Christina, her bluish green eyes staring into her.
"Wanna know what I call that?" She asked Cecelia as she clasped her hands together.
"Enlighten me." Cecelia said as she stared at her.
"Bullshit." She said, Cecelia rolled her eyes, shaking her head.
"I'm not bullshitting you." Cecelia lied to her. If anything, her nightmares were worse than before. It was about Natasha passing, if the war at the compound went wrong, and the killings she did. It was different every night, a never ending hell.
"Alright, hand me your journal." Christina said, Cecelia looked at her, shrugging her shoulders.
"What if I told you I didn't have it?" Cecelia asked her, not wanting to give the journal. Christina would know she was lying about nightmares, and being up stuff that Cecelia hated talking about.
"Than you'd be lying. Give it over." Christina said, Cecelia sighed as she reached into her brown, faux fur lined jacket. The 15 year old muttering some not so kind words in Russian under her breath."Didn't James tell you to stop doing that?" Christina asked as Cecelia took her journal out. She looked up at her, playing stupid. She knew exactly what Bucky told her to stop doing. He told her to stop muttering disrespectful things.
"I didn't say anything." Cecelia lied, her voice getting high. She uncrossed her legs and started to slump into the couch. She was lying a lot today.
"No, you muttered in Russian, James asked you not to do it, and I said you're not allowed." Raynor said and Cecelia looked up at her.
"No, and his name is Bucky, by they way, and he said I can't curse." Cecelia corrected her.
"Okay, well I say you can't do it." She said, Cecelia put her hands up in defense.
"Natasha let me do it." Cecelia said, Raynor looked at her. She tilted her head to the side, a frown on her face.
"You're right, she did, but I don't see her." Raynor said, Cecelia rolled her eyes. She absentmindedly brought her hand to her new necklace, well, not so new. Steve gave her his and Natasha's wedding rings as he was passing. He put them in her palm, then putting her fingers over them, making her hold them tightly. She ended up putting them on a necklace together.
Cecelia stayed quiet as she looked away. "Journal, now." Raynor said her hand out. Cecelia sighed and tossed it to her, pages flapping as it was in the air. Raynor caught it, and then opened it.
April 5th, 2021
Dear diary,
I barely got a wink of sleep last night. Well, I did, but I woke up at 1:58 and I couldn't go back to bed. I ended up watching a TV show in Bucky and I's apartment. It's much bigger than the one in Bucharest, and it's easier to live in. I have a real bed, but most nights I'll end up on the couch with Buck, or on the floor with him, sometimes on my own floor. I feel guilty when I get freaked out over nightmares, then Bucky wakes up, and I know he struggles with them himself.
I have Dr. Raynor tomorrow, she requested I bring this. My 37th journal iver the past 4 years. My others were destroyed, and I've already written in another one which she put her hands on and read it. Then she told me I was mentally unstable and I needed a lot of help.
My stupid foster agent thing or whatever keeps texting me. Her names Melissa, but you knew that. she's a bitch. She thinks Bucky's unstable, but he's kept me safe in the past.
She texts me, asking if everything's ok, and if she needs to get me, blah blah blah. The thing is, I'm not in Foster care anymore. After Steve died, I got put in there, Bucky had bought an apartment and adopted me, and Melissa just won't leave me alone about it. I get it's her job, but it's annoying, because Bucky's the best person I've ever met.
I saw Morgan yesterday, if it matters. I don't know, I'm just writing what comes to mind at this point. She called me her big sister. It's hard to believe I killed her grandparents by how much she loves me.
"You see, here's a problem. "It's hard to believe I killed her grandparents by how much she loves me", Cecelia you've gone over this, that wasn't you." Christina said, looking up at her. Cecelia sighed as she looked at her.
"Alright but, I meant like my body did it." Cecelia excused that's not at all what she meant, but what's a little white lie.
"Cecelia, you have to stop with that." She said, Cecelia shook her head. Her face went a little red as she shook stared down.
"What the hell do you think I'm trying to...I'm trying, alright? It's not as easy as you think it is."
I talked to Peter as well, he's doing alright. He misses Mr. Stark, which I mean it's understandable. Peter and I understand each other. I lost Natasha and Steve, he lost Mr. Stark, we kinda know what it's like to lose parental figures. It sucks, but you gotta move on.
Bucky and I are good as well. We watched a new movie today, we've been catching up on them. I'm pretty sure it was called The Titanic. The girl in it was pretty. But, I don't know, that's just me. Bucky and I liked it. Steve, Tasha, and I were gonna watch it, but we didn't get to it. I'm sure you know why.
I'm happy Bucky is back, I missed him more than I've ever missed anyone. I gotta go now though, Bucky's attempting to make me a grilled cheese, so we'll see how it goes.
- Cecelia Barnes
"No nightmares though, right?" She asked, Cecelia shrugged her shoulders.
"Like a little one, but that's it." Cecelia said as Raynor tossed her the book back. Cecelia caught it, and put it back into her jacket.
"Melissa calls you because it's her job." She said and Cecelia rolled her eyes.
"She just doesn't like Bucky." Cecelia said, her hand going to her mouth. She bit her fingernail as she looked at the clock.
"Thank you for calling Peter." Raynor said as she took out her notebook, crossing something out. "Any new amends?" Raynor asked, Cecelia shook her head before taking another notebook out. This was the same size as her other one.
It had all of her victims and their families in order. She had a few left, she had 2, actually. There was one she was holding off on.
The Jansens.
Her most horrifying assassinations.
She wiped out a whole family, except for one. The father of the family. He'd lived in town, and he barely ever came out. In fact, he lived down the hallway from Cecelia and Bucky. Cecelia killed his entire family. She didn't want to see him, she couldn't do it. That horrified her, the fact that she murdered his entire family in front of him. It sickened her.
"Uh, yeah, Bucky and I went to Senator Atwood. Buck and I helped her get into office back when we were..." Cecelia trailed off, not wanting to say the names. She drummed her hands on her leg and looked out her window.
"Say it."
"Say what?" Cecelia asked, looking up at her, playing dumb again.
"Don't play dumb with me, Cecelia. You know what I want you to say."
"Alright, fine. Chill out, jeez." Cecelia muttered as she sat up.
"Bucky and I helped her get into office back when we were soldiers." Cecelia said, still avoiding names. Raynor looked up at her, looking for the answer. "Back when he was the Winter Soldier and I was the Hydra Soldier. There, happy?" Cecelia asked, Raynor nodded his head as she wrote something down. The notebook annoyed Cecelia and Bucky, they knew she was writing stuff about them in it, and it pissed them off.
"Ecstatic." She said sarcastically as she clicked her pen.
"Answer Sam?"
"I'm mad at Sam." Cecelia said, she was kind of never not mad at Sam sometimes.
Sam gave up the shield, and it messed with Cecelia. Steve thought so much of him, and he gave up the shield, like it was nothing. It broke Cecelia's heart, it ached her.
"What this time?"
"He gave up the shield." Cecelia said, looking down at her sleeves. They were a brown color like the rest of her jacket, other than the fur lining of her collar. "I don't know, just messed with me. Buck and I were standing in the back of that room and it just felt bad." Cecelia said, her fingers drumming on her knee cap. Christina nodded her head. "Because I think about that, and if I consider myself a friend to Sam, how do I know he won't just leave me like he left that shield." Cecelia said, looking down.
"So what your saying is that you have trust issues." Raynor said, Cecelia shook her head no. "That's what it sounds like."
"I talk to people. I talk to Bucky-"
"And there's more people in the world than Bucky. You can trust other people that aren't him." Raynor said, making Cecelia look down.
"Wanna know what I think gave you your trust issues?" Raynor asked, Cecelia glanced up at her.
"Not particularly." Is all she said, Raynor continued to speak, not caring about her opinion. She did that a lot. "I also don't have trust issues." Cecelia said, making Raynor scoff.
"I think you've always had them, after what happened when you were 4." Raynor said, Cecelia shook her head, scoffing. "Then you put your trust in Bucky, when he blipped, it went to Steve and Natasha. Natasha died, and Steve left you and you got trust issues. You got attached to them, and they died and left, so now your scared to trust anyone else." Raynor said, cutting into Cecelia. Cecelia looked down, bouncing her leg.
"Steve didn't leave he, needed peace for once. He deserves it." Cecelia said, justifying what Steve did. It did break her heart, but he needed a happy ending.
"But he left you, right?" Raynor asked, Cecelia didn't respond. "I think theirs trust issues, and attachment issues. There are other people you can trust in this world but Bucky."
"You've diagnosed me with a lot of stuff, doc."
After therapy, Cecelia walked out to see Bucky waiting there. "You ready to go?" He asked as Cecelia walked out.
"Yeah." She said, looking annoyed by Raynor.
"We're gonna be late for lunch, doll." He said as Cecelia walked next to him.
"So apparently on top of my "mentally unstableness" I've got attachment issues and I have trust issues, it's bullshit-" Cecelia rambled off as she stuffed her hands into her pockets. Bucky sighed as they walked out of the office.
"Hey, Ceily-"
"It's Steve's fault" Cecelia mocked her therapist, putting her hands up. "Yeah Steve's fault my ass."
"Doll-"
"Did you know that she was all surprised and happy that I called Peter. Oh yeah, because my "Social anxiety", I swear to god, I just have everything according to the shrink!" Cecelia said, Bucky stood in front of her, his hands moving to her shoulders.
"Ceily, sweetheart, doll, please just calm down for a second. You're talking faster than your thinking." Bucky said as Cecelia took a deep breath. She exhaled and started to walk again.
Cecelia started to speak again, talking slower than she did before. "She's told me I have anxiety, ptsd, social anxiety, attachment issues, and trust issues. I'm confused." Cecelia admitted to him, Bucky put his arm around bad as she walked next to him. "And she read my journal." Cecelia said, Bucky shook his head.
"Yeah, she read through my phone." Bucky complained as they walked down the sidewalk together. "Told me that it's disappointing that I don't have more than 10 numbers. She says that the only people I call is her and you and that I'm a hundred year old man who's alone." Bucky told her, Cecelia rolled her eyes as she walked with Bucky.
"We're grabbing lunch with Yori." Bucky said, Cecelia nodded her head, feeling her phone buzz. She took it out seeing a message.
"Hey, I think I'm gonna go home, Melissa wants to talk or something." Cecelia said, rolling her eyes as she read the message.
Melissa 🖕
hi, Cecelia! Hope your day is well, I will be coming by today for a check in, and to talk to you!
Cecelia
ok
Melissa🖕
sounds good! did you come out
of therapy yet?
👍 by Cecelia
if that means yes, i will
be at yours and James' apartment in
10-20 minutes
👍 by Cecelia
Cecelia put her phone down as she shook her head. "My social worker won't stop texting me. She wants to check the apartment and speak to me." Cecelia said shaking her head. Bucky rolled his eyes.
"This is her fifth one." Bucky said as Cecelia nodded her head. "Alright, grab yourself something on the way there. We have no groceries. If she asks, say I'm getting groceries." Bucky said as he took his wallet from his pocket. He handed her 20 dollars and she stuffed it into her pocket.
"Alright." Cecelia said, nodding her head. She kissed Bucky on the cheek before walking off.
"Love you, doll." Bucky said, Cecelia smiled as she walked away. She turned her head and waved.
"Love you!"
a/n:
guys i kinda made this a semi happy chapter for her...she was in a good moood for once!!!!!!