I regretted not saying goodbye to my brother. I shouldn't have snapped at him, but I couldn't stand the way he spoke like he had no ability to stop this. Before the past week, the desire to change my future had been just that. Desire, fantasy, temptation. Then, my drunken mistake had gotten me closer than ever and it was suffocating me. The fear of my brother finding out, of my father finding out, of being locked away until I would be wed. I didn't know who my future husband was, but I had a suspicion he'd already been chosen.
Now, four days after they'd left, I felt trapped. I had no one to turn to. Mor hadn't been around each time I went to the palace within the mountain to see her. Kier had told me she'd run off to Velaris with Rhys and Cassian. I wondered if Azriel was with them, because he hadn't mentioned him. Either way, I had no one to talk to. I avoided my mother except for my lessons. I hated them.
My lessons consisted of how to be silent, to sit pretty and obey my husband's every command. I think she knew I was feeling different in the past days because she hadn't bothered me other than feeding me. I wanted to deny each meal, but she'd prop a hand on her hip and tell me, "A male does not wish for a malnourished wife. They like you to be well fed and ready to bare a child."
I was cattle. I was being sold to the highest bidder to make them look more powerful. It made me sick. I couldn't feel anything other than the growing nausea deep in my stomach. My skin felt itchy, my eyes and nose burning. I was uncomfortable. I tried to chalk it up to being so close to the Hewn City and the final choice for my freedom. I was within a breath from anywhere I'd want to go, but the proximity made me want to finish the task I had started.
I thought the solution could be to return to Windhaven. I'd spent most of my time there with my mother. I also thought maybe I could spend time with my brother in Velaris- move into whichever home they were staying in and just try and live a normal life. Gods, I wanted that. I knew it could never happen. I'd never be allowed to live without my mother until I was married.
My hands brushed over my chilled face, the wind whipping around me on the veranda. My father was in his office, and the idea terrified me, but I needed to know. I'd never asked him for that. I'd never asked to live without him or my mother. We've gotten in arguments about making Windhaven safer for the two of us, but that was my only complaint I'd made to him.
I wasn't afraid, I felt nothing. I was so fucking empty. I just wanted to feel like I was real. I was tired of whatever snapped in my mind and convinced me that I was nothing more than an object to be used. I should fear the wrath he'd lay upon me at such an obvious act of defiance, but I couldn't care anymore.
I walked down the southern stretch of the palace, to the expansive office the size of a damned ballroom. I knocked on the massive doors, praying that he was in here and not speaking with Kier.
"Come in," my father's gruff voice sounded from behind the thick oak. I steeled myself, lifting my chin and letting that hated defiance show. I pushed the door open, my eyes immediately finding my father at his large desk. He was impeccably dressed, a snug jacket of ornate thread designs buttoned to his throat. His sharp eyes met mine. He was intimidating, but I had no fear anymore. I'd die before I let myself be sold away.
"Father," I greeted, taking my seat across from him. I settled into the cushion, bringing my leg over my knee. I kept his gaze, refusing to back down. I saw the way it concerned him, the slightest arch of his brow.
"Freyja. What do you need? I am very busy," he muttered, being the first to drop his eyes back to the parchment spread across the dark wood.
"I would like to go to Velaris to stay with Rhysand. I have lived nearly three decades without spending time with him alone and I think it's time for your trust to extend to your daughter, not only your son."
His fingers tightened around the quill, ink blotching where he held it in place too long. His eyes snapped to mine and I could almost taste his fury. I should be afraid. I should expect him to lock me in my room and block the open windows. I should expect him to chain me in the temporary prison beneath the Hewn City.
"Do you understand what you are asking?"
"I do."
"You know your value, Freyja. Do you think that your mother has been ordered to be wherever you are for no reason? It is to watch you, to ensure you are obedient and follow my orders. That cannot be ensured if you are alone with Rhysand or those damned bastards."
I did not speak his words, yet they left an ashy taste on my tongue. Those bastards could kill him without breaking a sweat. Even I knew that.
"Rhysand understands the importance of my... purity just as you do. I would like the chance to spend time in Velaris with him. I will obey him, I will stay with him, but I am past maturity now. I am not a child. It is my only request," I answered, keeping my voice even. I wanted to scream, but that would get me nowhere.
"That is a stupid request, Freyja. You will remain with your mother here. You two will not be going back to Windhaven, either. I have received several reports of trainees and residents being slaughtered in cruel ways. It is not safe for you to return."
My eyes widened before I could stop them. Murders? It wasn't unheard of in Windhaven- usually a couple here and there from a sparring matching gone too far or a drunken argument that got too heated. Never plain murder.
"Have females been victim?" I asked. My throat felt tight. My father glanced between my eyes.
"No."
"Then how could it not be safe for us? You know how the males in the camp are. They kill each other for fun," I answered. My father's nostrils flared, the only sign of his anger increasing.
"It is not up for discussion, Freyja. You and your mother will remain in this palace. You will not join your brother in Velaris, and you will not go to Windhaven. I have eyes everywhere. If you are seen in either of those places, I will have you hunted and returned to a locked room," he said so shockingly calm. How strange for a father to threaten his child so easily. Was that common outside of this family?
"Understood," I spoke through gritted teeth. He hummed, dropping his eyes back to the parchment he wrote on. My blood pumped in my ears as I slowly rose from the seat. I didn't want to give up this easily, but I had no choice. Whatever he was working on had him angry enough. I didn't want to end up bruised and locked away.
I held my breath as I left, hoping it would keep me stable until I was far enough away. I hated that all I felt was anger. I missed the bliss of reading a sweet novel, or watching birds dance in the sky. How could I be so empty after such short time?
My eyes turned to the corridor that led to my father's bedroom. I was unsure if my mother was in there or the separate room near mine, but I knew he had a small drawer beside his bed with random coin. I didn't want to know why he held that coin in his bedroom, I'd prefer not to know, but I wanted it. If I couldn't go where I wanted, I'd happily stay imprisoned drunk.
I slipped down the corridor, keeping my ears open for any signs of him following me. The door did not creak when I pushed it open, to my surprise. What I did not expect was the nude female laying across his messy sheets. That was not my mother. This female had red hair, long and messy, thrown over a pillow as she slept. I bit down on my tongue, glancing behind me. The corridor was empty. Oh, Mother.
I gently closed the door, stepping as soft as my slippers could sound. The female did not stir, only her heavy breasts rose and fell as she slept. Perhaps the coin was for more like her. I crept around the bed, reaching for the drawer I knew he kept things in. Watching her face for any signs of consciousness, I pulled it open. The contents disgusted me. The amount of coin was ghastly, making me wonder how often he invited strangers in here.
With the coin was several vials of tonic that I knew was meant to suppress fertility. I'd heard Rhys telling Cass about it before the war. If taken just a few minutes before sex, both users will be entirely infertile. The fact that he needed those proved just how often he slept with females that were not my mother. I grabbed several coins, shoving them in the small satchel I had my mother sew to the bodice of many of my gowns. I took far more than what was needed for a few bottles of wine, but he wouldn't notice. Not from a stash like this.
Once I closed the drawer, I was quick to slip from his bedroom. Thank the Cauldron, the corridor was still empty. I rushed as silently as I could, needing to check that my mother was occupied before leaving. I didn't have to speak to her to know she was entirely busy with new fabric my father gifted her. With that, I returned to my room to pull on a hooded cloak. Before anyone could stop me, I winnowed to the Hewn City.
I was on the market street. I aimed for the red district, which sent shivers down my spine but I needed alcohol. I needed to lose myself for at least a little while. I kept to the side of the cobblestone street, probably looking more suspicious with my hood on in the main part of the City, but I didn't care. I was desperate to lose everything. I wanted to be someone entirely new, even if it meant being intoxicated in my bedroom alone.
I slipped onto the darkened street of the red district. I knew it was only mid day, yet there were people scurrying about the district as though it was the latest hour of night. Time had no morals here.
My eyes narrowed on the distillery, fingers pressing into the pouch of coins. I'm sure I could get a heavy stash of something for the amount I'd taken. I neared the tall stone building, slipping around drunken males and poorly dressed females. I was on a hunt and I'd be damned if the temptation of sweet liquor didn't overtake me.
I lifted my slippered foot to step onto the rickety porch, but an arm looped around my waist. A shriek left me but a gloved hand smothered it against my lips. My back hit the stone wall of the side of the building, faelights not touching in between the two buildings. I thrashed, praying to forgotten Gods to let me leave this without being too badly violated.
Hot breath hit my skin, fingers brushing the hood of my cloak back. I squeezed my eyes shut, sucking in a breath between the leather clad fingers. I stilled, scenting blood.
"What do you think you're doing?" A deep voice asked, lips brushing my ear. I nearly collapsed in relief at the sound of Azriel's voice.