I sighed heavily. "I'm sorry for tiring you, making you worry, and making you cry, most of all. As well as for being selfish," I can't believe he's saying sorry in a situation like this when he's not actually supposed to.
I looked up at him, ending our long hug. "You weren't selfish at all," He shook his head at my words.
"This whole thing is selfish. My condition is making me selfish,"
"No, no, no, no, no. That's not true. No one wanted this to happen," I showed him a smile. A tired smile. Tired of making myself think that everything is fine. Though it's not.
Ven is tearing apart.
I am tearing apart.
Both our worlds are strong but their walls are obliterating. And we are those walls. We need time to reconcile.
"But Ven, is this... is this really all? Is this everything that y-you c-could do? Is this the only solution? Is there no other way or method available? There are no alternatives? Is running and hiding away the only answer?" I wanted to ask him so many questions that I didn't know which one to ask first.
He sat on the chair beside his door and handed me the other one next to it. "It's too cruel and complicated to explain. I don't know where to begin with the explanation you deserve,"
We were both staring at the cold wind passing us by. "What I told you that day we kissed, probably just one-fourth of the entire story." He never removed that smile since he opened the door for me earlier. But I know that it's as fake as the grass on the ground.
"You met John, already?"
"John?"
"Police officer John,"
"Oh yeah, that blonde."
I can spend this entire day listening to his laughter and studying its melody.
"How many pages of the red notebook have you read by now?"owH"
"Not sure, eight or seven or six or five or nine? Not below four, not more than ten." I'm not trying to make him laugh at all, but there he was, staring at me, as his chuckle unhurriedly started to sound the way it used to.
"What about that old man from Vista dal Mar?" I looked at him with those oh-you-know-it eyes.
"The entire place could have been so much better only if it wasn't because of him," I complained. "Did you know he sent me to a twenty-four-hour jail time?" His eyes widened.
"What? You've been arrested?"
"He wouldn't let me see the list of their guests, the record, I mean. So, instead, I stole it." He kept on giggling.
"That's for your history then,"
"Yeah, Sofia was so worried about getting it into her chronicles for future reference in some scholarships. And Taylor was laughing at her."
"You're with them?"
"You know, I can't drive. Neither could Sofia. So it's the three of us for the adventure."
"Where are they?"
"They're still in your car. Haven't gotten out of it since I did. A few meters from here, I think." He nodded. Then there was another solid minute of silence but I broke it. For Pete's sake, I won't be fighting an old man and sacrificing my nights of sleep to get this kind of silence.
"Ven, is there no other way?"
"There's none, Jace."
"I- I don't understand,"
"My psychiatrist, Dr. Brown, told me that it's alright to socialize. Four months ago, I found out my condition was getting worse. He told me to keep a small distance from the ones who... you know..." he couldn't say the words at first. "Umm, trigger t-the disorder. My brain just recently started to attack you. So, I had to distance myself so I wouldn't completely end up suspecting you as an impostor,"
He continued, looking up at the sky. "It's so cheesy. Silly, actually. I never thought a mental illness like this existed. It's so weird to think about. If I'd put up a show and tell people about this, I don't think anyone would believe me. Or if I write a book about this, people might just end up laughing their butts off."
"That's what I like about you," I said, all of a sudden. "You're one in a million, Ven."
He smiled. It's not fake, just genuine. Calm.
"Please, come back home." None of us tried to break the longing stare. "Everyone's worried and looking for you. Your mom, dad, Taylor, Gigi, Selena, and... me."
He cupped my cheek with his hands. "I want to. I want to come with you so bad. I wish I could. But I can't. From now on I have to distance myself from everyone I'm close with. And never get myself near anyone again. This is so much better than getting my head invaded by thoughts of you guys being replaced by impostors despite my knowledge about my complaint. Rather than ending up with a rope around my neck because of stress."
How could he laugh at such a dark statement? "Stop saying that," I shoved his shoulder.
"But seriously, I want to be with you by now, Jace." His lips were back to forming a gloomy smile. And his eyes did the same.
"But I'm really sorry, this is for the best." I nodded.
"Okay, maybe I can take sixteen kilometers, right?" He took a deep breath.
"I'll sell this sooner, and leave to a foreign land. Where no one knows me," I frowned.
"Do you have to get that far?" He nodded.
"Sorry,"
"No, don't be,"
"I'll come back when I'm ready, I promise." He whispered. "So take your time to go out there and shine. Clench all those classes, join all those quiz bees you like, collect all the medals you can, and write as many articles that satisfy your journalist's heart. Date as many guys as you can and stop thinking about me."
"I can do all those except for the last sentence,"
"Oh, come on! I'm not the only man in the world,"
"But you're the only Ven in the universe. There's no one better,"
I wanted to say something more, complaining about how I could never not think of him and date someone else but then he already occupied the last inch left between us. The next thing I knew, it was his lips on mine. His eyes were closed while my heart was jumping inside my chest. I decided to close my eyes finally. Savor our last moment. Our last kiss.
The same goosebumps hit me, the same sweetness tickled my ears, and the same Ven, once again made me feel weak. I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck, touching his nape.
This could be our last time together, but this is one that we'll both remember.