Rhys never spoke of the screaming we had heard from the dining table the night before. I'd shown up to supper late, needing some sort of distraction from the suffocating sound of my shadows and thoughts. I'd stolen away a servent who often made eyes at me. I knew she'd be an easy target- they usually were. Leona was the shy type, so I couldn't indulge in the sweetest of desire. My knife had stayed on my thigh as I took her from behind. It wasn't satisfactory, nothing more than a job. I wondered if I needed to pay Flora another visit before we left, but time was running out.
We'd gone our separate ways after supper. I'd stayed up with a throbbing headache and the hollow words of my past. I'd tried to distract myself by using my shadows to check in on Freyja, but they gave me no answers other than the fact that she had yet again fallen into exhaustion from her emotions. I'd taken her wine away when she told me to leave her bathing chamber, and I had a sneaking suspicion that her screams were caused by that discovery.
I wasn't one to judge on other's vices- Mother knew I had too many of those- but she had put herself in a dangerous situation the last time. I didn't know if she would do it again. I didn't understand the desire to protect her, but I thought it could be because of the fact that she hadn't wanted help. As though she planned to do it again.
Either way, Freyja had slept and I had not. I'd gotten up in the early morning to spar with Cass, but he hadn't shown up to the ring on the cliff side. I'd done my own training before returning to bathe and change. When I'd returned to the corridor, I saw Rhys pacing outside of Freyja's bedroom. Surely he wanted to calm whatever had happened between them the night before, but she didn't seem in the mood to talk.
After bathing, I'd wandered the palace in search of Odessa to bid my goodbyes. Cass and Rhys had gone off to speak with the High Lord, but I couldn't care less to see him. I made my way down the eastern wing, glancing through the alcoves to the mountains beyond. This wing held the library, a lounging room, and Odessa's craft room. She spent her time alone here creating gowns that she was sure Rhys's future mate would wear. It was silly, I thought, but Odessa had her own coping skills.
Just as I thought, she was in her crafting room. Rather than pricking her fingers with needles or getting irritated by tangled thread, she was pacing along the open window. Her hair was unusually messy and her fingers covered her mouth. I rasped my knuckles against the doorframe, making her jolt.
"Oh, Az. I'm sorry I didn't come find you. I hope you all make a safe trip to Velaris, and come visit again soon. Freyja and I will be going back to my home in Windhaven in a few days short of a fortnight. Alcaeus will be travelling to the Spring Court for a meeting then and I would like Freyja to be away from the Hewn City at the time."
My spine went rigid. A meeting in the Spring Court could mean developments to Freyja's marriage arrangement. I knew things were growing more tense between Aled and Alcaeus, but he hadn't been allowing Rhysand to join them for the meetings. None of us were aware of the severity. Odessa seemed to notice my tenseness because she laid a hand on my shoulder and offered a wavering smile.
"This is for the best, Azriel. It is also imperative that Freyja is not aware until the deal has been made. Aled is... frustrated with Alcaeus continuing to support the separation of our kind from the mortals, and Freyja could be a great offer for an alliance. You know how these things are."
I shook my head without realizing it. I did not know how these things were. Odessa loved her daughter, yet she, too, spoke of Freyja like no more than a bargaining chip. An offering. I could understand the young female's frustrations; it truly did seem unfair. It was similar to how I felt after the war. Everyone seemed to move on and continue to live their life as before, but I was stuck in a continuous cycle of being trapped in those memories and fighting for a way out. Freyja was a breathing female, yet everyone treated her as if selling her was common. I supposed it was, but it didn't make it right.
"Az, please. I know as times change, views do, too, but you must understand that Alcaeus's word is final. If the deal is struck, Freyja will be sent to the Spring Court to wed his youngest son. Rhysand already had his argument with me, but there is no changing it. It is how things are."
"I find it repulsive," I finally answered, stepping back from her touch. Her pretty face twisted into a frown, and it almost sickened me to be the cause. "She is your daughter, yet you do not fight for her freedom as you had yourself? Alcaeus must have a soft spot if he was willing to save you from your wings being cut but he does not grant the other females that protection. You must have some sway with him."
I knew it was a pointless fight. Odessa may not have immediate responsibility for the arrangement, but she is making no move to stop it. Her frown deepened, blue eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"I have done my part. There is no convincing Alcaeus of anything else. You must know that is why we had Freyja. First, we tried for an heir, and then a daughter for when times got difficult. He did not want to be seen as invaluable," she argued. I wanted to laugh. She admitted to her children only being born out of necessity. I knew she loved her children, but why did she not show it when it was most important? Freyja was losing her damned mind, I knew that much. The silent, obedient daughter was about to burn this family down. I sensed it. I felt her need to tear apart everything they had planned for her.
"You had a daughter just over a decade after your son. That's unheard of. You and Alcaeus must have been trying for years, Odessa. Aled and Alcaeus have hated each other since long before the war. You have to know that he had this planned before you even had Rhys. I cannot truly believe that you fine with your daughter being a pawn."
I had gone too far. I'd shown too much of my worries that I hadn't even known I had until now. I could see it in the way Odessa's brows pulled together, her head shaking as she tried to find the words. I didn't want to hurt the female who had taken such care of me for so long, but I have seen far too much neglect in my life. Freyja may live the wealthiest of lives, but she was being groomed to be nothing more than a pawn in politics far too big for her.
"You don't know what you're talking about Azriel. It's time for you all to go back to Velaris. Travel safe, I'll see you next month," Odessa murmured, turning her face sharply. I clenched my jaw to hold back the arguments I wanted so badly to scream. I knew how things worked. I knew that this was a plan for longer than any of us had been alive, but it still wasn't right. None of it was.
I dipped my chin and turned. I swear my tongue bled from how hard I bit it. I'd never wanted to scream at this female before, but I was choked by swallowed words now. As I walked back down to the main hall, I wondered how Freyja would fare without us. She'd done fine for this long, but she was spiraling. I felt it. A shift in the air, a demand for more.
She will get hurt.
The daughter will risk everything.
Gods, I knew that. I could imagine what mess could be created if Freyja succeeded in what I knew she had planned. I had no doubt Freyja would be disowned and sent to live on some far corner of Illyria while Alcaeus forced Odessa to bare another child. That could take decades- centuries even- and I didn't think the Spring Court would be that patient.
"You ready, Az?"
My focus tuned in to Rhysand and Cassian, both standing beside the lavender settees. I nodded, letting out a slow breath.
"Where were you?" I asked, though I knew they'd gone to Alcaeus.
"Stopped at the palace down in the Hewn City to see Mor, she asked us to pay a visit before we left," Cass announced, briefly glancing to Rhysand.
Mm. There was that familiar sense of jealousy. A forgotten pain in these past few days. She didn't bother asking me to see her. I would've anyway, but I was too wrapped up in this situation with Freyja and her parents. I gave a silent bow of my head and didn't bother waiting for them as I made my way into the realm of darkness.
Stay here.
Stay within our home.
It's better this way.
They begged this of me when the reality got to be too much. I almost accepted that, almost kept one foot in the cool and numbing sensation of their embrace. My soul was attached to them in some way- I knew that with how at ease I felt within them. I couldn't, though.
I needed a different escape. Not one that had Flora moaning with my blood on her skin, nor the sweet oblivion of too much whiskey. I needed the one that terrified me. The one time I became who I was deep within my bones. I was created out of violence, shaped to feed into the worst of intentions. I needed it desperately.
I didn't go to Velaris. Instead, I stepped from the shadows onto the snow swept street of Windhaven. The chill that wracked through me wasn't entirely due to the elevation, it was from this place. Cauldron, I hated it here. I hated them all, but it was the perfect place to feed my desire for violence. I liked to hurt those who deserved it. It didn't send me into a spiral of my time in the war like sparring with my brothers did. I could lose myself in the scent of their blood, the sounds of their begging and crying. A warrior wasn't so brave with one less hand and a bloodthirsty creature of darkness in front of them.
I didn't stop at the tavern. There was no time to try and make myself forget the crimes I'd commit today. This type of place was lawless. I hardly had to walk past the market before I heard the terrified whimpers of a female and the muttering of a drunken male.
I stepped between two buildings, unsheathing my knife from my thigh. A female was pressed against the log wall of the fur shop, her coat discarded on the ground and frozen tears tracking down her pink cheeks. The male, a trainee from the looks of it, had his hand up her skirt and his teeth on her throat. I waited for those words the females always said when an assault came upon them, just to ensure I didn't have to hold back when it came to this male.
"Please- stop," she cried, small gloved hands shoving at his broad shoulders. I cracked a toothy grin. I wouldn't hold back anything now. I stepped forward silently, willing my shadows to keep me from her eyes so she couldn't give me away. The moment he was within reach, my hand closed over his shoulder and tore him from the crying female. He gasped, still unable to see me as I threw him into the wall. The female screamed, snatching her coat from the dirty snow and running from the shadows. Good.
"What the-."
I cut him off by bringing my knife down on his wrist, pinning him to the wall. He let out a beautiful shriek, one that warmed my skin. I let him see me then. His bloodshot eyes widened, blood already running down his forearm as he tried to fight the restraint. I grinned wider. This would be fun.