TW for this chapter: Sh, mentions of suicide
September 3, 12:08 am
Harley-
I should be happy. My life is good. I am extremely fortunate with my home and my family. I have two brothers who would do anything for me, three best friends who have my back, and I live in an oceanside tourist town. It sounds ideal, but there's something wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but there's this perpetual emptiness that fills my chest every second of every day. I try to ignore it because everyone sees me as a cheerful person. That's my job; I take it upon myself to make people happy. But on the inside I'm rotten. My head is full of negative emotions. I feel it seeping into my heart and my lungs, coursing through my veins. I'm becoming someone miserable. Someone cold. This scares me more than anything. If they saw how I really was on the inside, they would hate me. If they hated me, what's the point in being alive? It's getting harder to be what they need me to be. Harder to live each day.
When my head gets particularly dark with these thoughts, I like to walk on the beach. It's usually pretty nice outside, maybe a little cold and rainy, but peaceful nonetheless. Tonight a storm rages and rain pours down on me. The wind blows through me and the clouds are thick. Lightning bounces within them. I hate storms. They make me sad. They remind me of loss. When I was a kid, we had a big tree in our yard that I adored. I named it Grandpa Tree because I'd never had a grandpa. Everyday I would climb and play in Grandpa Tree. Dad even made a tire swing for me and I would spend hours on it, imagining myself flying away. Then, one night, during a storm, the tree got struck by lightning. Grandpa Tree was completely destroyed. As a kid, I always had hope that he would magically appear, back to his former glory. My logic was that if he could be taken away so suddenly, he could be brought back just as fast. Obviously, that never happened...Now anytime there is a storm I think of Grandpa Tree. Life can be taken at any moment. It's so delicate. So futile.
The waves crash upon the shore. The ocean is an inky black. If I hadn't grabbed a flashlight before I left, I wouldn't be able to see a thing. I stop on the shore, the waves lapping at my feet, and I consider just walking into the ocean's darkness, never to return. I would let the ocean take me away from my thoughts, my problems, my habits. I would have lived and died by the ocean. I take a step towards the water, and then another. I move into the water. Shins, knees, I just want to know what it feels like. The waves are choppy and the sand shifts beneath my feet. I'm waist deep. I can't do this. I stop intending to turn around and go home but instead my arm is suddenly grabbed and I am being forcefully dragged out of the water by someone. I start struggling to get out of their grasp.
"Hey! Whoa! I'm not going to hurt you," A boy shouts above the wind. I point my flashlight at him. He looks to be around my age. He has short, dirty blond hair. His eyes are blue and he looks concerned. Squinting in the light, he continues dragging me. With the force that he's pulling me out of the water with, I know there is no way I could fight him and win.
'If anyone ever grabs you, yell, scream, bite, kick, do anything you can to get away,' I hear my oldest brother Levi's voice in my head. 'And always go for the dick or the eyes.'
No one would hear me if I screamed. The wind and waves are too boisterous. I look at his hand still gripping my arm. With as much strength I can muster I bite the stranger's hand. He curses and lets go of me. I fall on the ground and struggle to my feet. I try running but I trip almost immediately. Curse my horrible athleticism!
"Wait! Please!" I hear the guy calling out to me. I try to get up but before I can he's kneeling in front of me. "I swear, I thought you were going to drown. That's why I grabbed you." I dropped my flashlight when I bit him so now he's nothing but a shadow, reaching out to me.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
"Yes," I manage to get out.
"I'm going to use my phone flashlight. Hold on." A second later I see the phone's light flick on. He points it at me, blocking some of the light so he doesn't blind me. He stares at me without saying anything. I'm used to being stared at. I have a huge scar running down my face; it starts above my right eyebrow, trails diagonally across my nose, and continues down my left cheek, stopping right at my jawline. It's from an accident I was in when I was 5. It was the accident that took my father's life. I don't really remember what happened, but I feel its effect every day. How couldn't I? I have a permanent reminder of it right on my face. I look down. He's had enough time to look. He moves the flashlight, trying to point it between us without it getting wet.
"I...have to go," I stand up. He does the same, blocking me once again.
"Wait, are you alright?"
"I'm alright. I need to go home, though."
"Were you...trying to drown?"
There it is. He asks the question. I don't really know how to respond because honestly I don't know what I was trying to do. Deep down I think I really was trying to drown, not just experience the feeling of wading into a raging ocean.
"No, I lost something important. I was trying to find it even though I know it's gone. Fool's hope, I guess," I explain.
He considers my answer. "Well, what is it? I'll keep my eyes open for it."
"Just a bracelet," I reply. That's not a lie. I have lost a bracelet that was very important to me, but that was ages ago.
"You never know," He shrugs. "I'll still keep an eye out for it."
"Thank you. I appreciate that," He seems nice enough.
"You should get inside. It's freezing...Where do you live? I can drive you..." He offers.
I'm still a bit on edge since he's still a complete stranger. I don't need him knowing where I live.
"I live really close by but thanks for the offer." I say, which is a lie. I live on the tallest hill in this town. It's quite the hike up.
"Yeah, of course...Well, hopefully I'll see you around." With a small wave he turns and walks away. This isn't how I expected this walk to go. I never see another living soul when I'm out this late. That's the point. I walk this late to avoid seeing another person. He seemed nice enough, though, but I can't just trust people immediately. Anyone can hurt you if you let them have your trust. I grab my discarded flashlight and start heading home, cursing the long walk ahead of me under my breath.
****
As I approach the house I notice the light is on and I definitely wasn't the one to leave it on. This isn't good. No one was supposed to know I was gone. I want to turn and run away. They're going to be disappointed in me. I can't stand people being disappointed in me. Before I can stop them, warm tears begin falling down my face. I wipe them away, I can't let them see me cry. I hold back the choking sob building up in my throat and walk up the porch to the front door. Before I even step inside the house someone flings the door open and envelopes me in a warm hug. It's Danny, my other older brother.
"Let her in, Danny, she's probably freezing to death." Someone says from inside the house. It's Eric, Danny's boyfriend. He practically lives with us.
Danny ushers me into the kitchen and dining room. I don't realize how cold I am until I'm standing in the warm house. My bones feel like ice and suddenly I feel chills all over again when I see Levi.
"Where were you?" Levi asks. His tone of voice is harsh. He's mad at me. He's leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed. My brother is one of the best people I know but he is also the most intimidating. He's 6'3, extremely muscular, and covered in tattoos. Despite his appearance, he's kind. He has basically raised me. Even after all of this time, he's never talked to me this harshly. I always try to stay out of trouble.
"I-I-I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen, I went on a walk and lost track of time then it started storming and I'm so sorry. It won't happen again!" I stutter out, trying not to break down in tears.
Levi sighs, "Go get warm and change into dry clothes. We'll talk more later."
"I'm sorry...I really am!" I say again. I need him to forgive me. He has to forgive me.
"Upstairs! Now!" Levi shouts, pointing to the staircase.
The room goes dead silent. He has never actually yelled at me before. I didn't mean to make him so mad. Does he hate me now? Before I can break down once again I bolt upstairs. I can't let them see me cry. Grabbing the warmest clothes I own, I go into the bathroom to take a shower. I crank the hot water up as high as it will go and pull off my wet clothes, dropping them onto the tile floor. I get my blade from its hidden spot, inside a box of tampons. I get into the shower and sink to the ground, clasping the blade tightly. This is my therapy. A way to let out everything that has been building up. It's the only thing that gives me comfort when I'm upset. Right now I need to feel something other than this all encompassing guilt. My body is made of scars; the one on my face and the ones I have put on my legs, arms, hips, stomach, anywhere I can get away with.
Eventually I gain feeling back in my limbs, warming from my attempted drowning. Turning the shower off, I grab a dark colored towel that I know the blood won't show up on and press it over the fresh cuts on my thighs. I'm not very meticulous when cutting. I like to go fast and hard. My thighs are bleeding a lot. Cuts overlap with scars. This is what I am. A scarred girl.
When the bleeding subsides, I grab bandages out of my secret supply hidden way back in my bathroom drawer. To cover everything I did, I have to wrap the upper half of my thighs. I pull the bandages tightly and finally put on long pajama pants, a long sleeved shirt, and a baggy hoodie. I don't do anything with my hair, deciding to let it do what it wants. Before I leave the bathroom, I stick my head out to see if anyone is around. I still hear voices from the kitchen so I tiptoe to my room. Looking at my phone I see all of the missed calls and texts from Levi, Danny, and Eric. Then I see the time; 1:35 am. Great. We all have to get up early tomorrow and I fucked it all up. I should've just drowned myself. It would be one less problem for them.
I flop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, feeling bad for my brothers. Levi has basically taken care of me my whole life. He's been single handedly taking care of Danny and me since he was 18. When mom left to "find herself". We haven't heard from her since. That was almost eight years ago. Both Danny and Levi should be embracing their twenties and living their own lives. Instead, they stay here. In the house we grew up in. I'm only sixteen meaning I have two years until I can legally be on my own. Will they feel like they can leave me then? I don't think I'll make it that far. I'm surprised I've gotten as far as I have. I have never been able to picture my future. There isn't a job I want or a goal I'm reaching for. I don't really want anything. I don't have the energy for "want". I'm brought out of my thoughts by a soft knock on the door.
"Come in!" I call out, trying to sound happier than I am.
It's Levi. He looks less upset now but I'm still a little nervous. He sits down on the edge of my bed, looking at the ground. He isn't saying anything. The silence is tense.
"I'm not mad. I was just scared." He finally says.
"I'm sorry, I did-"
"I know, Sunshine." When he uses my nickname I calm down a little.
"You were scared?" I've never heard him say he was scared. In my eyes he has always been fearless. As far as I know, he is incapable of fear.
"Petrified. Especially since it was storming. I was about to go down to the beach and look for you when you walked in."
"I'm s-"
"No more of that. Just...don't leave the house so late. There are a lot of creeps out there...Also tell us where you're going. Leave a note, text, I don't care. I just would like to know where you are."
I nod. "I'll start doing that."
"I know you will," He finally looks over at me. All of us have our dad's blue/green eyes. We don't really look alike other than that. Levi is tall and strong with black hair that he usually slicks back. Basically a typical looking bad boy. Danny is blond, tan and shorter than Levi. He's still around 5 '11 but his frame is small, making him look little when compared to Levi. Then there's me. Besides having a giant scar down my face I have freckles, long strawberry blond hair, and am around 5 '2 last time I checked. "You're a good kid, Harley. I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"It's okay," I smile at him reassuringly.
He smiles a little back. To my shock he opens his arms for a hug. Levi doesn't hug us a lot. So when he does I always get surprised. I move down the bed and throw myself in his arms. He catches me. I knew he would. He hugs me tightly and I feel him inhale a shaky breath then rest his head on my shoulder.
"Heeeeey, can I join." I hear Danny's voice from behind me.
"And just like that, he makes it weird," Levi jokes, releasing me. I sit down next to him on the bed.
"Rude," Danny sits next to me. "How are you feeling? Eric is worried you might get pneumonia."
"Oh shit, I didn't think about that..." Levi comments.
"I feel fine. I think I'll be okay."
"I'll let him know so he can stop worrying." Danny laughs a little. Eric is very high strung. He is always worried about something or fussing over someone. He really evens out Danny's laid-back, chaotic personality. "Why were you out so late? Where did you go?"
"I went for a walk on the beach because I couldn't sleep.."
"During a storm," Levi states, insinuating the idiocracy of my late night adventure. Another lesson Levi taught me. Never go near the ocean when it's storming. It's unpredictable and unforgiving.
"It wasn't storming when I got there. But then the wind picked up and the rain started. I got caught in it, I wouldn't have gone if I knew it would storm." I explain.
"Yeah, the power went off for a bit so I was checking in on you and you weren't there." Danny says. "So don't you dare do something like that again!"
"She won't," Levi says. "We already talked about that."
"Without me? You left me out of the big brother talk! Levi, I'm so offended." Danny fakes being upset.
Levi rolls his eyes. "Alright, everyone go to bed. We need at least a couple hours of sleep."
"Alright, goodnight Sunshine," Danny hugs me before leaving.
" 'night Kid. Sleep good." Levi gets up and heads out as well. They're too nice to me. I royally fucked up yet they still like me. I should be happy...
I turn off the lights and finally sink into bed. My hand finds the fresh cuts on my thighs and I press down. The pain makes me feel a little better. It takes my mind off of my mistakes. As I stare at the ceiling, thinking about what happened at the beach I finally fall asleep.