Gulf pov
He was singing the song with a soft voice. He is staring in to my eyes. Like, searching for Something in my soul.
Is he searching for love ? No, that can't be true. His eyes........ Why It's conveying love and affection.
Is he going to propose me. NO !! that can't happen.
I was in my thoughts but, when I came out of my thoughts Mew was not there. His presence was not on the stage. He was infront of me. On his knees, kneeling. He was holding a ring in his hand.
No Mew ! Don't do this please ! Don't! I'm not ready to face the reality. No ! Mew . please don't say those three words.
I was praying to all the gods present above the sky to stop this. I don't want to hear those words. But,
I love you pudding. Will you be my boyfriend?
Mew said that ! He loves me ? Did I hear the truth. Mew loves me ! But, I can't.
I'm not perfect for him. I can't drag him to my hell, to my shit. He deserves more.
Through my peripheral view I can see Mild, Prem and Boun. They were cheering me to say yes. Do they all know that Mew was going to propose me ?
Their eyes were filled with happiness and hope. Hope that I would accept him. Hope that I would accept his proposal.
They were shouting out loud. They were chanting my name and Mew's but those words are not reaching my brain. I can't hear anything. All went blur.
I can only see Mew, who was still on his knees holding the ring out. He was looking into my eyes with love, affection, care and hope.
He was staring at me like a most precious thing in the world. He was smiling. He was smiling with a hope that I would say Yes.
But can I say Yes ?
My brain was playing all the memories I had with Mew. He was concerned about me even though I was an asshole to him.
He cared about me when I was a jerk to him. He faced his fear of heights to be with me, in my happiness. He patted me on the back and gave me courage even though I didn't open my mouth about my pains. He understood me better than me.
He was perfect. I am just a imperfect piece of trash. He deserve to be with a perfect person.
I know, I can't face the society. I can't face my Mae. I can't face my Por. I can't face the hateful comments. I can't fight against them. I can't fight for Mew.
Mew don't deserve to be with a person who won't fight for his love. I know I'm ----- I'm nothing compared to Mew.
He had learnt guitar just to propose me. He had wrote a song for me. I don't deserve this happiness.
Even before I realise tears found their way out. My hands were shaking. My chin is quivering. My lips were trembling. My cheeks were wet with fresh tears.
I started biting my lower lip. I can't cry infront of them. I need to stop crying. I bite my lip hard, as blood was dripping out. But, I can't stop biting. I can't feel the pain. Because the pain I was feeling in my heart is nth time more than my physical pain.
Mew stood up and touched my lips. I winced in pain. He was tracing my lips. I can see the pain in his eyes.
Why he was feeling pain when I was the one in pain. He is too perfect for me. Before I become more miserable I need to run out . Run from all of this.
I pushed Mew. He stumbled back but balanced. Mew was clearly shocked. I don't know what to speak but I was saying words which would hurt Mew but I was hurting more by saying those hurtful words to him.
What the fuck phi ! I thought we just have phi and nong relationship. I never thought you would have this kind of feelings towards me. If I knew it before, I would never even spare a look at you. I don't want a fucking relationship with you. I can't phi ! Please leave me alone.
I can see tears which are welling to come out of his eyes. He was suffering . He was suffering because of me. But I can't be with him. He gripped my wrist. I pulled my hand from his hold and ran out as fast as I can without even glancing a look at my friends.
But I know, they all are sad. They were all in pain because of my behaviour. But I know this is the best. This is the best for Mew.
I started the engine of my car and drove to the hotel.
I was sobbing and crying my heart out while driving. I ran to my room . I crashed in the corner of my room. I sat in the darkness. I was not in a mood to switch on the lights.
I covered my mouth with my left hand palm and I clutched my chest where my heart is present, with my right hand.
It was paining. It was paining in my heart. I never ever imagined that Mew would like me. But he said that he loved me.
But I can't express my feelings. I had hurted him. Now, I hate myself even more.
My eyes were roaming around the room. I can't see clearly because of the tears. But my eyes were landed on a paper cutter. My heart was suggesting to just grab it, hold it tight and cut my ulner arteries which are present on my wrist.
I covered my ears with my both hands and rolled into a ball on floor. I don't want to listen to those voices and words. I slapped my face across my cheek. I need to put some sense in my brain. I slapped, slapped, slapped until I can't feel the pain. Until my cheeks became sore.
I ran towards the study table. I grabbed a paper and pen. I started pouring all my pain into words on the paper. Because whenever I feel pain, sadness, loneliness. I would write it. It make me feel light.
It is so dark that even the sun's rays can't penetrate.
Even my shadow was merged into that infinite darkness by leaving me alone.
My gaze was not here,
They were fixed in a void.
My thoughts were not here,
They were running behind my past.
My life is not here,
That is what he once dragged away from me.
My focus is not here,
It revolves around the memories associated with him.
Like a strom,
My thoughts are scattered.
My heart was buried in the ashes of this pain,
It's like someone was digging in my gut.
The voice in my throat insists that it will not come out.
If one comes, my existence Will be known to all.
Like a broken river,
Tears streams are flowing and wetting my cheeks.
In my mind,
Many questions are arising,
They have no answers.
Yet .... Many memories are coming back,
They have no control.
A lot of ideas were popping up,
There is no end to them.
The agony I am going through,
Can not even be describes.
Because, words are not enough to describe, language is useless.
My mind is running faster than the light,
From this darkness,
From this thoughts,
From this void,
From this memories,
But,
My body was not moving, it was limp.
In all this chaos,
My eyes are looking at this emptiness.
And The rest is the same for me.
Before I can finish this , the paper was half wet with my tears. I fell on the floor and cried. Cried... Cried... Cried.. Until I lost all my senses.
**************
I know this is short update but bare it.
Arhh it was emotional right! Don't have a bad impression on Gulf in this story because he is a lonar,introvert and don't know how to share his thoughts or feelings.
So he rejected Mew. 🥺🥺. Any one cried while reading this. I 🙋🏻♀️.
Thank you all for 1k reads. It is my first work. I know this is not perfect book but I'm trying to make it worth reading. Thank you all who read it,commented on it and voted on this story. Love you all. Lots of love from me. ❤️
Love you all.
_Nitham