Phiwokuhle's POV
"What are you doing here?" asks mom. Is that the first thing she does or says when she sees this bastard. "You still asking that. Makabuyele labuya khona." I say. (Go back to where you come from.) "Just give me a ch.." I push mom out of the way and close the door. They all stare at me shocked by my actions. "He can talk to you guys at your own spare time mina angifuni ukumbona." (I don't want to see him.)
I leave them standing shocked at the events that just unfolded. Was mom willing to listen to dad if I hadn't been there to intervene? I slam the door and plop myself on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I hear the door opening and i see Phiwokwakhe walking in and sitting on the chair by my study desk.
"What's going on out there?" I ask. "Mom opened the door and let dad get inside." he answers and i sigh. "Is your mother slow or delusional?" "Nami angazi at this point. I thought therapy is helping but clearly dad has a hold on her." "Korobela." "I would chuckle at this statement but I think it's true. (Love potion.) "I think its actually true." We sigh.
"Why does mom love hurting us?" I ask. "She's used to toxicity to the point where she thinks it's normal to live in a toxic environment even if you get out you crave for the chaos." he answers. "You know my therapist said I should write a letter to that bastard." "Senifike lapho already." (You are there.)
"She asked me about myself and the conversation immediately went to the abuse going on at home." I say. "Have you started writing it?" he asks. "No. I don't even know what to say when I write." "Say what's in your heart and ps use a bunch of curse words." We chuckle. "I don't want to see his face. His bringing back so many memories I'm trying to keep buried."
"I know mtasekhaya. I hate him for what he did to us especially mom because she believes that toxicity is the solution." he says. I hear the door opening and the other two walk in and climb the bed to cuddle with me. "I thought you would be back sooner." I say. "I just wanted to hear him out and i asked Musa to stay with me." says Mandisa.
"Is mom buying his shit?" asks Phiwokwakhe. "No she isn't. She's just letting him tell his side of the story because every villain has a past right.." says Musa. "She better not buy his act because I won't forgive her." I say. "Just when we were making progress in life." mumbles Mandisa. "It's been a while since we checked up on each other. Latest update and tell me everything."
"This girl asked me out, the one who I kissed vele and i said yes. I really really like her and she is such a sweet person. I'm slowly trying to move on from the abuse and let go of everything and get used to this normalcy going on here. Academic wise I understand everything I'm being taught and yeah my friends are still there and still believe that I'm perfectly fine. I'm thinking of telling my girlfriend about my background but I have this fear that she will judge me and probably leave me because I'm damaged goods." says Mandisa.
"You should open up to her but only if you feel comfortable. For us trust is earned and she needs to show you that she won't stab you in the back once you tell her your story. I'm happy that you've met her and i can see the little glow going on there. I wish you the best and you better pass this term please." I say. "I agree with Phiwo, talk to her when you are ready and make sure she is trustworthy. If she doesn't make you happy let me know and I'll sort her out." says Phiwokwakhe and we chuckle.
"I don't have much to say but I'm wishing you the best and the only thing I want for you is to be happy and she better not break your heart." says Musa. "Thank you guys. I will talk to her when I'm ready." says Mandisa. "Next customer please." I say and they chuckle.
"I'm good. Nothing much is going on in my life. I'm trying to improve my marks from last term that's it." says Musa. "Musa don't be so basic." says Mandisa. "Hawu ufuna ukuthi ngithini. Angifani njengani enikhona ukukhuluma nemizwa yenu." He clicks his tongue. (What do you want me to say? I'm not like you that can talk about your feelings.) Well that changed the mood real quick. Phiwokwakhe looks at me to say something and i clear my throat.
"But either than that you okay physically and emotionally?" I ask. "I'm fine. Let's move on to the next person." answers Musa and i sigh. I really wish he was more open with us but I understand why he is reserved. I hope therapy can change him a bit and make him open up a bit more. He doesn't need to suffer alone.
"Ngisharp. I'm dating this girl and i really like her," "The one you always walk with in the morning and afternoon." asks Mandisa and Phiwokwakhe nods. "That girl is a beauty mtasekhaya. I think we might have found a new sister in law who we shall love." I chuckle. "Kunini ngilindile ukukhipha inkomo sizihambise." I say. (I've been waiting to take out the cows.) "Woah it's too soon. We haven't even told each other i love you and you talking about amalobolo." We chuckle.
"If not now when?" I ask. "Later on when I'm working and she's working too and when we actually make it." answers Phiwokwakhe. "Okay sesilindile." He chuckles. (we are waiting.) Mom opens the door and comes in and i roll my eyes and sigh. There goes the fun. "Bana baka." "Ma don't." "Give me a chance to talk."
"The same chance you gave dad." I ask and she sighs. "I wasn't taking him back." says mom. "It doesn't matter. The fact is you brought him here to our home and now I no longer feel safe cause who knows when he might attack us." "Phiwokuhle please calm down." "No ma Phiwokuhle is right. Njalo nje we must forgive you even though you continue to hurt us. When is it going to stop." asks Musa.
"Listen to me I was not taking him back. I was giving him a chance to explain himself and i also got to express how I feel. I don't expect you guys to talk to him and you don't have to prepare yourself to go back to him. We are never doing that again. I have learnt my lesson and i hate seeing you in pain." says mom. "Took you long enough to realise it." I mumble.
"Excuse me?" she asks. "Nothing. It's fine we heard you, you gave dad a chance to explain and we not going back to him end of story." I say. "I'm sorry guys for allowing him inside." "For once in your life keep your apologises to yourself mama." says Phiwokwakhe and he stands up and gets out of the room. Musa follows him and it's the three of us left.
I get up and open the blankets and cover my whole body. "Maybe tomorrow mama." says Mandisa. I hear some shuffling before the door closes. The blankets open and Mandisa gets inside and covers her whole body. "You were supposed to be easy on her." "Not you too Mandisa." I click my tongue and turn to face the other direction.
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I wake up and do my morning routine and wear my uniform. I pack my bag and leave the room and walk to the kitchen. I find mom making breakfast and i greet her and sit on the bar stool. "Phiwokuhle about last night. Me inviting your dad inside the house wasn't me inviting him back into our lives. He is out for good and the only thing that will connect us to him is the money he sends for support that's it. I'm sorry that he invaded our personal space but he wanted to explain his side of the story and i wanted to hear him out because I also had some things to say to him." I sigh.
I just woke up and now we addressing last night's issue. "Okay." I say. I don't want to speak at this point ngoba even if I speak my pleas are falling on to deaf ears and it doesn't matter how this affects me at the end of the day. (because.) "I'm really sorry mtanami." (my child.) "I said okay. Can we just move on." She sighs.
The others come and we greet each other and they sit down. Ma dishes up for us and we thank her and start eating. "I'm really sorry guys for last night. I should have not let your dad enter our home." says mom. "Sperm door we don't have a dad." says Musa. "It's okay mama." says Mandisa. Mandisa is just like mom very forgiving and it irks me sometimes cause not everyone deserves forgiveness for their transgressions.
"Fine." says Phiwokwakhe. We continue eating in silence and their transport bell hoots and they take their bags and leave. I finish eating and put my bowl in the sink. I take my bags and leave. I hail a taxi and it drops me off at school. I get out and walk inside. I find Ayesha waiting by the staircase near the tuckshop and i walk to her and sit down.
"Uright?" I ask. Silence. "Ayesha I'm talking to you." "What?" she asks. "Uright na?" "Yeah I'm fine." "Aren't you going to ask how I am." "Unjani?" "I'm fine." She doesn't seem like she's in a good mood so I will give her space and whenever she's ready to talk I'll be there for her. Anyways I'm not in a good mood too. I enterwine her hand with mines and massage her knuckles just to let her know she's not alone.
£
We walk to the our area and sit down and start eating. She still is quiet and i want to ask her what's going on cause this silence between us is killing me. "Baby.." I say. "What Phiwo?" she asks and I'm a bit taken aback by her tone and choice of words. "Yekela." (Leave it.) If she's this snappy I won't bother. Next thing you know she will hit me and i don't want that. I don't need a repeat of the past.
I feel her warm hands massage mines and she kisses my cheek. "I'm sorry." she says. "Don't apologize. You will talk to me when you are ready." I say and she sighs. "Look at me." I shake my head no. "Please." "No." She grabs my chin gently and forces me to look at her. She pecks my lips multiple times. "Forgive me." "I said don't apologize."
"I'll tell you about it when I'm ready okay." she says and i nod. "As long as you not ending things with me or its about your psychotic ex I think it can wait till you ready." I say and she chuckles. "Don't worry its neither of the above." I nod and she pulls me in for a kiss. "I love you." "I love you too."
I rest my head on her shoulder and she drapes her arm around my shoulder. "Unjani?" she asks. "I'm fine don't worry about me." I answer. "Are you sure?" "I'm positive." I guess today we are both not in a space to talk about our true thoughts. "You going to therapy tomorrow?" "Yes I am. You will have to chill with the others." "No problem."
"I love you okay." she says. "I love you too. Why are you saying it like you ending things?" I ask. "I'm not ending things don't worry. Everything between us is good and i would never leave you alone for as long as i am alive and remember you." I nod. She pecks my forehead multiple times and i giggle.
£
I stare at the page that only has the time I'm writing this letter and the day. I just don't know where to start and what to say. I need some inspiration of some sort.
Flashback.
"Why are you and your siblings so useless? You never do anything right. I ask for A you give me C. Follow simple tasks that's all I'm asking you mara still uyahluleka. Angeke ngimangale menihlulwa izinto empilweni mesenibadala." dad clicks his tongue and walks off. (I won't be surprised if you fail in life when you are older.) I wipe away the tears that escaped and climb my bed and cover myself with the blanket. Those words are being repeated in my mind and i just want to scream and tell it to stop. His right i will never be successful in life.
End of flashback.
There is the inspiration i needed to start writing. One thing about me is that once I start writing I don't stop but with expressing feelings it's a bit of an issue but we shall see if we can do it today.
July 2023
16:33
Tuesday.
Dear dad (Sperm donor)
Why did you never love us? What have we ever done to you that made you hate us the way you did? They always say that a daughter's first love is their dad but you are not. You are my worst enemy to ever exist after your best friend. Xolani was right when he said you the same and the only difference between you two is that he never beat me up and you never sexually harassed me.
You made me hate myself for the longest time. I questioned my self worth and self esteem because of you and your stupid lies. I don't know when I realised that I should stop believing every word that comes out of your mouth but I'm glad I did because I almost destroyed myself because of you. What kind of a father are you that calls his daughter worthless? Calls her promiscuous and that I was trying to seduce your best friend.
Even though you believed me when I told you he molested me i believe you were just faking it because...I don't know why but I never believed you were being genuine. I wouldn't be surprised if that fight was staged to try and impress me. I hate you dad! I hate you and everything you've done to me. I have anger issues because of you. I hit people because of you.
Do you know what you've done to me and how much you have fucked up my mental health? No you don't. Even after you made promises to change you didn't. It's true when they say a leopard never changes it's spots. You are evil kahle kahle you and your best friend are evil and i understand why you are best friends. I hate you! I hate you!!! I can't stop saying these words because that's how I feel about you.
I hope you die in hell and burn. I hope karma is a bitch and it bites you so hard to the point where you want to commit suicide. You are one of the most horrible person's I have ever met in my life. Fuck you baba! FUCK YOU BASTARD! I HATE YOU!
Even if I say a lot it won't change anything and it won't erase the pain. The only last words I want to say is that you are dead to me and i curse the day you became my dad.
I put the pen down and stretch my fingers a bit. I have finally expressed my feelings on a paper and i must say it feels good to be able to do it. Maybe one day I can turn it into a poem. It's been a while since I've written one anyways...