Hazel's POV:
Natalia is still shaking and on edge hours later. Even after a shower and deep breaths and meditation. Nothing is calming her down.
Right now she's pacing my bedroom. I'm trying to paint but my thoughts keep getting clouded by her feelings.
"Natalia," I say. She looks at me. Tears are in her eyes. I pull her onto my lap.
"I should've yelled at her or- something I-"
"Natalia."
"What?" Her voice breaks.
"Baby girl," I say softly. "You had a fucking trauma response. She's an abuser. She knew what she was doing. And it's better that you didn't do anything. It would've gone way worse." She takes in a shaky breath.
"Natalia," I say softly. She buries her head into my shoulder.
"What can I do to help you, baby? Do you want to talk about it?"
"Yes," she whispers. "I do. I do I really do."
"Okay. Talk to me, baby." She sighs and stands up. I get on our bed. She sits down next to me.
"She would play these... mind games with me. You know? Like she'd be super super sweet and say she was proud of me then say "but... you could've..." and then tell me what I did wrong."
"So I never knew how to feel. And then when the really bad grades came in that's when she'd hit me and call me weak and said I don't amount to anything and- all of this bullshit, right? So I literally- hated her but I loved her so much and I craved her validation and I still- catch myself-"
"Wanting that I'm proud of you."
"That's normal," I say softly.
"I still catch myself wanting my mother's love. Her hugs and happy moments but- that'll never happen again. And you have to accept that in order to heal."
"I know," she whispers.
"And I did. I thought I did but I- then she came back." She takes in a breath and looks at me. She gets in my arms.
"I just want you to hold me and I just want to cry in your arms. Okay?"
"Okay baby." She kisses me and rests her head on my chest.
"Can you put on music?" She asks softly.
"Yeah of course." I turn on my TV and put on the playlist I made for us on.
"What if we get high?" She asks. "Like we did that one time? But this time we don't just... make out."
"You're not in the right headspace for sex."
"I can be in a coma and still want sex."
"I don't know how that would work."
"You would just feel down there and I'd be wet."
"Natalia!" I say laughing. She laughs. I kiss her.
"No! Absolutely not! If you were in a coma I'd just kill myself!" She laughs.
"That's... kind of how I felt when you got in your crash. And... when you were on the pavement. I thought I couldn't live without you. Ever."
"And it was kind of a reality check that I live this nonchalant lifestyle and the truth is I care. So much. About you and about everyone and my past-" she sighs.
"But I don't know if I like feeling. I mean I- I do but I don't it's so hard. Like- how do you feel? Is there a proper way to feel right now?"
"No," I say. "No. I mean you saw me go insane when my mother was here for like, two days, baby girl." I stroke her hair back.
"Yeah but that was valid she actually fucked with you and brought up shit."
"Natalia, she did the same with you." I look at her. She sighs.
"I know. I just always make excuses with her." Her eyes water.
"She always used to talk so highly of me to her friends and our family, you know?" Her voice breaks.
"'Oh, Natalia? She's such a smart young woman. I'm so proud of her. She's doing amazing in school. I have such high hopes for her." And I fell for it, every fucking time."
"That's normal," I say softly. Her phone rings.
"It's her." She picks up.
"Hello?" She doesn't put it on speaker.
"Okay." She stands up and hangs up.
"Where are you goin, baby?"
"I'm going to her car."
"Natalia don't she's just gonna-"
"I have to go." She walks out. I hear the front door shut.
I sigh and get up.
"Lizzie followed," Zoey says.
"This is bad. She's just gonna be manipulated again."
"I know. But we can't blame her. It's- it's so normal. Especially if she craves it. We know children of abuse act like this," Alyssa says.
"Mm. True."
Natalia's POV:
I get in the passenger seat of my mother's car and look at her.
"You're so strong. Did you know that?" She asks. I look at her. She reaches out and puts her hand on my face. She strokes my cheek with her thumb.
"I didn't mean that. I'm so sorry baby," she whispers. "Mommy's sweet baby. You've always been so sweet. Even when they don't deserve it."
I hold her hand to my face. She smiles.
"You still love physical touch, huh." I nod once. She smiles, shakes her head, and hugs me. She holds my head. I close my eyes and appreciate her embrace.
"I love you. I'm so proud of you," she says.
"I love you too, mommy," I whisper. She kisses my head before pulling away. She smiles.
"Can I have 100 dollars? I'll pay you back, I promise."
"Yeah. Yeah of course." I hand it to her. She smiles.
"Thank you baby." She hugs me again, and then pulls away and kisses my forehead.
"Okay. Go now, baby."
"Okay. I love you."
"I know." I look at the money, then her. I get out. Lizzie stands at the door with a empathetic look on her face.
"Hey," she says.
"I think I just got love bombed for 100 dollars."
"Oh, honey." She tries to hug me.
"I don't- no." I back up and go inside. She follows me into the elevator and hits the button for me. I wrap my arms around my waist. My lips quiver.
I'm so naïve.
I walk into the apartment. Hazel looks at me. She opens her arms when she sees the tears on my face. I hug her and burst into tears.
"It's okay. It's okay." She holds my head.
"I'm so fucking stupid Hazel like I feel like I should've known- she kept telling me all this shit about how she loves me and how sweet I am and how she's proud of me and she kept hugging me and touching me and then she asked me for money!"
"And I gave it to her and I didn't realize what the fuck she was doing until she didn't say I love you back before I got out!" I laugh.
"You're not stupid, Natalia," she says softly. I look at her. She wipes my tears. "You just want to be loved. It is literally how the human brain works."
"I thought she loved me," I whisper. She hugs me.
"I know, baby. She doesn't deserve you. You're so beautiful. And smart, and funny, and kind, and loving, and I am so happy you're in my life. And I was even when we competed over tests every week." I smile and sniffle.
"I love you. And I always will. No matter what."
A/N - when you have a crush every single love song you listen to and love becomes about them, and then if it goes south you have to find more love songs to listen to because they remind you of that person.
I just thought of that. I love you all. So much. 🩷