Freen
It's been four years since Becky left. Four years of agony, of pain, of sadness, of empty spaces where Becky used to lie. Four years of battling my own battles without any anchor to lift me up, well there is... But nothing seems to work. Because it is not Becky.
It's been four years since since she flew back to England. Four years since the memory of us is buried as a picture we can both go through but will never have again.
I let her go.
I set her free.
I let her go without knowing that all she wanted me to do is fight for her.
I set her free without thinking that she win me over again and again. Even if is just her assumptions, even if it's just for work. Even if her love was never been requited.
I let her lose, without even trying to win her over just like what she did to me.
And now I lost the best thing that I ever once have and will never have again.
Flashback Four Years Ago
I woke up with a heavy throbbing of my head making me feel like it's gonna break any minute. Standing on my feet, I squint my eyes to adjust on the light invading my vision.
God! I hate this! What even happened last night? My head is throbbing.
I murmured trying to recall the scenes from last night.
Becky dancing with Friend.
Me getting angry.
Me dancing.
Seng getting heated.
Becky pulling me out.
Becky sending me home.
Oh God! I'm so screwed what did I do!
I slump myself back on my bed scolding myself for being careless enough to let Becky take care of me instead of the other way around. My phone suddenly rang and that's when I noticed I am bombarded with a lot of messages from all the cast of Gap and from Richie.
What the hell is happening?
I picked up the call only to be welcomed by a yell from the other side making me pull away a little.
"FREEN SAROCHA CHANKIMHA! WHERE ARE YOU? WE'VE BEEN CALLING YOU FOR ALMOST AN HOUR NOW? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT BECKY? STOP BANGING YOUR BOYFRIEND AND FUCKING COME HERE SAROCHA IF YOU WANTED TO TALK! YOU DIDN'T EVEN PICK UP YOUR PHONE MAKING ALL OF US LOOK STUPID WAITING FOR A PARTICULAR FREEN TO WALK IN THIS AIRPORT TO SEND OF BECKY!"
My hearing seems so deafen the moment she mentioned send off. My heart is beating rapidly and I don't even know how to control my emotions as I am confused on what's happening.
"What do you mean send off?" I asked.
"Fuck it Sarocha! You didn't even know? You didn't even notice that this days Becky is miserable thinking if she should go or not? You didn't even notice that Becky is asking for a signs on you to hold on to something that will hold her back from leaving! But you and your stupid choices put Becky in this point that she needed to leave to heal from you! And now she's gone!"
"W-where i-is s-she Nam?" My voice started to crack. This can't be happening. Becky won't leave me.
"She's gone Freen! She already left. She was waiting for you to show up here but you didn't."
"No! No Nam! Your lying! Don't leave the airport i'll be there before you know it just please don't leave! Becky won't leave me!"
I swing the door open running out of my room taking my car keys and my shoes without even changing what I am wearing. I don't care anymore! I need to get on the airport as fast as I can! I need to stop Becky!
"Freen your awake come on have—"
"I'm not hungry mom, just please let me leave."
And with that I went out of the house starting the engine of my car before driving off.
I drove as fast as I can and break a lot of driving laws but I couldn't care less. I needed to get Becky.
My hand is shaking as I grip on the steering wheel each moving minutes. Tears started streaming down my face as I pedalled faster praying that Becky change her mind and this is all just a dream.
"You said you would never leave me. Why are you leaving now?" I whispered as my heart clenches in pain.
I can't lose Becky.
When I got on the airport, I flung the door open running inside just to be able to catch up praying there is still something to catch up. A lot of people recognize me and tried going after me but I push them over as I ran as fast as I can.
And there, I saw Nam, Noey, Kade, and Irin sitting on one of the benches with dried tears visible on their cheeks.
"F-freen?" Noey called.
"Where is she?"
Everyone turn silent.
"Where is Becky! Where the hell is she?" I asked as my voice rose up but before things can escalate, Nam pulled me by the arm dragging me on the empty parking lot where no one else park but them.
"Nam FUCKING answer me where is—* PAK*
"Nam!"
My cheek turned hot the moment I receive a hard slap across my face. I was surprise and shock at the sudden outburst but all I can see on Nam's eyes are anger.
Nam slapped me... S-she slapped me.
"She FUCKING left Freen! Are you happy now? You and Seng can finally be together for a long time without ties that holds you back to do this and that with him! You are free! She's gone for good! Are you happy now?" She yelled while I remain silent.
It hurt to much.
Her slap was hard, but it never really reach on how painful my heart was.
"Where the hell were you freen? Didn't you know that Becky waited for an hour just to hope that you will show up here and cheer her up, beg her not to go, tell her to stay? Do you know she was bawling her eyes out in front of each and everyone here as we witness her pain? How can you be so cruel Freen! How can you be so careless about your actions! Are you that selfish to even send Becky off?"
I was stunned. I don't know what to say. All I could do is sob slowly as I listen to all Nam will say.
"Don't you know that Becky did everything she could just to shield you and that boyfriend of yours from the outburst of everyone! Fro your fans? Do you know she receive a lot of death threats just to leave you and Seng alone but she didn't! Do you know that Freen? Do you? Stop being a coward bitch and start fighting for people who also do the same for you Freen! Stop being a prisoner of your own doubts and what if's or you will lose the chances to have the best thing in your life!"
"Nam go easy on her, calm down." I heard Noey exclaimed.
I fell down on my knees bawling my eyes out as I think about Becky. The shattering of my heart can't comprehend what I feel. I feel so alone, so broken, so... Fragile.
"Why didn't you stop her Nam? You could have stop her for me. You could have pleaded her not to leave me. You could have stop her from leaving Nam. You could have... You could have." Noey engulped me into a tight hug as I try to utter words that I wanted to say.
"S-she told m-me she will never leave me. She told me she'll stay with me. She told me if no one loves me anymore she will still love me, why did she go? W-why did she left?"
"Becky leaving doesn't mean she doesn't love you Freen. Sometimes leaving is loving. We leave because we wanted the person we love to experience the happiness they deserve without feeling guilty about what we felt. Becky left yes, but that doesn't mean she don't love you anymore. Becky left because she love you enough to set you free, even if it will break her. Even if it will tear her apart."
"B-but s-she said she won't leave. She said she love me, remember?"
"She love you Freen. So much. So hard. She love you as much as she did with anyone else. She love you without any justification that her love will be requited or returned. She love you with all the beatings of her heart without even knowing if you would also look at her the same. She love you so hard that you consume everything on her until there was nothing left, not even one bit. She love you enough that she lost herself in the process of loving you. People also get tired Freen, and she met her saturation point. We can't continue giving everything that is free of cost or we lost ourselves in the process of loving someone too much. And I wouldn't stop her Freen. Even if I can, even if I wanted to. Because I know Becky needed to heal, and if you really love her. You will also let her leave and heal from you just like what she did. And I can't be too selfish to beg her to stay and watch as you and Seng conquered the world together. I already witness enough, I don't wanna witness anything more." Nam replied. "I'd rather choose Becky to leave and receive the love that she gaved, than beg her to stay and hope for something we know you would never give."
And with that. I broke down. I cried my eyes out until I felt numb with all the silent yelps of pain. I cried my eyes out that it started to hurt from all the tear I shred.
I don't wanna lose Becky...
But I guess I just did.
Noey drove me back home in silence. And there the guilt and the pain is eating me out making me cry all over again.
"Freen, stop crying. You've been crying for almost an hour now. Please don't cry anymore. I hate it when you do that."
But I can't stop it. I can't repress myself from crying. I can't even stop my heart from aching. I don't know what to do.
And the only solution I know right now I cry and cry. And wish this is all just a dream.
___________________________________
I tucked myself inside the warmth of my blanket the moment Noey dropped me home. She insisted that she would stay the night and take care of me but I decline the offer and shoo her away.
I don't need anyone right now. All I need is Becky.
I curled myself up in a ball on the soft mattress as silent sobs went inaudible in my mouth.
I can't forget about Becky, all I can remember is her smiley face looking at me cheering me up when I am sad.
How can such a lovely face hide a lot of sorrows? Why am I so cruel to unnoticed her tears? Why am I such a coward to neglect her.
I got up from my bed as I crave for water since my throat felt so dry when I saw a water an aspirin place on on my nightstand. And I cried again.
Becky even prepared this for me.
How could I took that angel for granted?
I gulp the water empty when I notice a paper tucked under the glass so I picked it up and saw her hand writing.
My Bunny, my Khun Sam, my Lovely Freen
I hesitated to open the letter for a moment but I guess this is all that I needed. I needed to read this.
So I did.
Freen,
I know when you read this, I am already in England. I just want you to know that I want you to take care of yourself and do not get sick okay? I will not be there anymore for you to snuggle when you are tired and sick. Please eat proper meals and do not skipped your vitamins, I know how hard headed you are when it comes to taking care of yourself.
I left but that doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. I love you Freen. With all my heart, not as a sister, a bestfriend, a screen partner or any other names I could label this love for you. I love everything about you, your laugh, your giggles, your gummy smile, your nose, your scent. God I adored everything about you as long as it's you. I want you to know that I never hold any grudges on you because of not returning my love back, I am held accountable on what I felt and you have nothing to be blamed for. I love you so much, so hard that I would even die for you if I can. I love you so much that I am willing to choose your happiest over mine. I love that I am willing to head back if you tell me you also want me too. But fate has different plans for us, I love you that the universe can never tell but I am not the one you wanna spend the rest of your days with.
I was never late. I am just not the one.
As I wrote this I can't stop the tears flowing from my cheeks. I watch you snuggled closely to me as I try my best to sneak out took a pen and a paper so I can write this farewell because I can't say it aloud.
Freen, I want you to know that you are the most amazing person I ever met and I am forever grateful to be able to know you and be love by you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I would trade anything for that.
Today, I feel defeated and alone. So this is my only option, to set you free. I don't wanna keep a bird that don't belong to my cage.
You are free, love free and be happy as I wanted you to be.
Letting you go is the hardest part of my life, but i want you to know that you are the most amazing person for me. I never loved someone like i did with you. You make me the happiest person even in the short period of time, and i am forever grateful for that. I don't wanna say goodbye to you. But I know I have to.
I've finally accepted that it's time to let you go. You will always hold a place in my heart even if you don't belong in my life. I tried everything to keep you by my side but I was losing myself in the process. As much as I love you, I know that the chances of us being together will never exist. You and I will never be more but a dream I am wishing to come true. I wish you the best and just know i will always love you. It's time to put myself first for a change.
Our love wasn’t the kind from the movies, it was the kind of love from the books that gave me tears and I always had to wipe it away alone. It was the kind of love that kills only the other person and let the other one grow. I know that people need love to live, that’s why loving you killed me. Loving you consumes me. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to keep my promise that I will stay by your side because I know I can't always keep that, but always know that my heart will prepare a special place for you. Even if you don't want me. That room in there is preserved, might be buried deep but will only be opened by someone named Freen.
Love is something that is felt by the heart and is purified by trust and commitment. I was inlove the moment I saw you, it was love at first sight, and you felt that. But not with me
The fact of you loving someone else hurts, but it never made me love you any less.
And if fate will give us another chance to try and meet each other's path again. I hope you will be ready to fight for me. Because I am too tired to fight for something I know I can't win over.
And here ends a story that never began. You Freen Sarocha Chankimha, my bunny, babe, love and the beholder of my heart. Will always be my 'If Only'.
Love
Rebecca Patricia Armstrong
And that night I suffered different kinds of pain, pain from my mistakes, pain from losing Becky, and pain from realizing too late that I never needed anyone else as much as I need Becky.