The scent of blood has my stomach churning. The hairs along the back of my neck stand as though death herself stood behind me. Maybe she did. I had grown lucky in the war, and perhaps the Cauldron decided my life was not worth that luck. I'd be a means to an end, a balance to the tilting scale. Maybe that's what I need.
A hand on my shoulder has a sharp inhale tearing into my lungs and my fist already hitting hard flesh. Cassian coughed out a wheeze, stumbling back as he gripped his side. His sweat coated hair fell over his face as he glared at me.
"What was that for?"
"I don't like to be touched," I spat, turning my eyes back to my brother. Rhysand was washing the blood from his skin- a sparring match gone too far. I hadn't meant it, but I do things I don't mean too often now.
"Get over it, you touched me when you fucking punched me," Cassian argued. He still massaged the sore area. I shot him a look through the corner of my eye, regretting it when I felt the too cold climb of my shadows up the side of my neck. My eyes fell shut, breathing slowing as I hear the constant nagging of their presence.
He bleeds.
Do you smell him?
Your skin is marred by violence.
Have you found a cure?
Half of the time, they don't make any fucking sense. It's irritating whispers of intangible voices that surround me. I gritted my teeth, snapping my eyes back to Rhysand. He ran a cloth over his chest before throwing it to the side and walking up to me. He held out his hand, violet eyes dropping down to mine. I hide my grimace as I raise my hand and take his, allowing the touch to act as forgiveness between us.
Rhys's eyes shifted to Cassian behind me as he dropped my hand. As he walked past me, I wiped my gloved palm against my thigh. I didn't deserve his forgiveness.
"My mother is bringing Freyja to the Moon Palace to visit Morrigan. She said we are welcome to join. My father will be holding court in the Hewn City," Rhys announced. I turned to them, seeing Cassian wiping a cloth over the back of his neck. He was still glaring at me. I deserved that.
His blood stains the scars on your hands.
"Yeah, Mor's been gone for a while. I want to go," Cass said, nudging Rhys's shoulder. They both looked to me. I felt the foolish flush on my cheeks at the idea of seeing Mor. I nodded, praying to whoever would listen that it was enough. It seemed to be, because the two of them turned and began making their way down the stairs that lead into the House of Wind. I let out a slow breath, feeling the coolness of the shadows retreating down my spine.
I followed my brothers into one of the many homes we were allowed to stay in. I'd been wanting my own apartment for a long while, but the High Lord was still considering hiring Cassian and I. We'd earn our own wage rather than feeding off of Rhys.
The House blessed me with already warmed pitchers as I filled the tub in the adjoining bathing chamber to my bedroom. I didn't enjoy bathing- or instead, I didn't enjoy seeing my skin. There was a continuous cycle of always feeling unclean but hating the act of running a cloth over my body. Nonetheless, I stripped myself of the sweaty clothes and lowered into the tub.
I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to see the scars of my past as I ran the cloth over my skin. I focused on the sensation of the soap suds popping along my arm and knee as they rose above the surface. Another painful exhale escaped me at the sensation of the raised and ragged skin on my wrist. I wanted my gloves. I wanted my gloves.
The moment I felt like every speck of grime and dirt was scrubbed from my skin, I left the water. I dried myself and tied the towel around my waist. My eyes kept to the wardrobe as I approached. That familiar sense climbed up my spine.
Cover them.
What are you if not a monster?
I wished I could control them, keep their words from my ears. I knew those before me used their shadows as means to spy or learn of other's secrets, but mine weren't occupied. Their only job was to tell me of my deepest fears and insecurities; as if I needed any reminders. They fed from my innermost thoughts instead of focusing on anything else. I hoped that the High Lord made his decision soon so that I could put them to work and have the relief of their absence.
I dressed myself in full pants and shirt, despite the warm spring air. I knew Cassian would be in a sleeveless tunic; Rhys, too. With my gloves in place, I strapped my knife to my thigh and left my room. Cass was in the kitchen, his broad arm flexed as he chugged from a glass of water.
"You're going to be too warm," he chided, casting a judgmental look at my clothes. My shadows did fine at chilling my bones. I ignored him and instead slipped between him and the sink, snatching a glass and filling it at the basin. It soothed the dryness in my throat.
"Cass, are you coming with me?" Rhysand asked, stepping in from the corridor. They knew I liked to practice winnowing on my own, seeing that it wasn't all the same as Rhys's ability. I stepped through shadows while he warped time and space itself. It took me longer to get there, and I needed all my focus.
I ignored my brothers as they spoke amongst themselves. I leveled my breathing, letting my eyes close. My arms felt cold; numb, even. When my eyes opened, I was in a fog of misty grey. I kept the Moonstone Palace in my mind, imagining the pristine marble walls and the faelights I liked to watch dance in the breeze. I smelled the jasmine and crisp mountain air. The hair rose on my arms and I knew I was close. My eyes fell shut again, imagining myself materializing in the greeting hall of the massive estate.
And then I heard my brothers and her. My eyes snapped open. A marble pillar was at my side, a thin curtain dancing against my wings. Rhysand and Cassian stood near the cushioned settees and glass table adorned with a fern that spilled over the edge. The Lady of the Night Court stood before them, a wide smile on her lips. Her gentle hand rested on Rhysand's shoulder as they spoke. My heart pounded, body already moving over to them. Odessa always had such a way with taking away my pain. She reminded me of my mother, whom I hadn't seen since before... the war.
Her blue eyes widened at the sight of me and her hand reached out. I felt my lips curve up; such an unusual feeling now.
"Azriel, how are you?"
"I'm doing fine," I reassure her, allowing her warm arms to pull me into her. It's funny now, to tower over a female I'd looked up to for three decades now. I smelled the sweet jasmine and hint of snow in her hair, feeling the weight lift from my shoulders at the small squeeze she gave my waist.
"I just cannot wait for the day that you finally tell me you are doing good," Odessa murmured, rising onto her toes to press a kiss to my cheek before she stepped back. I forced a smile at that.
"Where's Mor?" Cass asked, dropping onto the lavender cushion of the settee. Odessa grimaced at the way his boots clunked on the glass table.
"She and Freyja are in one of the bedrooms. I'm sure she will be down soon enough," Odessa answered, brushing a hand down her gown as she watched Rhysand sit beside Cassian. I could tell that she wanted to offer a food or drink to us. She was restless. We hadn't visited in well over a month now. She and Freyja often stayed in Windhaven at Odessa's family home to avoid Alcaeus, the High Lord.
He wasn't too harsh on them compared to us males, but there'd been hints of him sending Freyja to the Spring Court to marry the youngest son, Tamlin. The young male was only a few years younger than her, but Aled offered a marriage in alliance to soothe the disputes between the two courts. Odessa was against it, of course, but Alcaeus was still considering it.
I offered Odessa a small smile before circling the table and sitting beside Rhysand. He spread his thighs, resting his knee against mine. It would be irritating to anyone else, but it was his small way of respecting my wishes not to be touched while also offering his comfort. It was a way to stabilize me when my shadows brought out my nerves. Judging by the chill in my spine and the incessant calls in the back of my mind, he could see them.
"Look who decided to come out of his pompous hole."
The glorious sound of Morrigan's voice reached my ears. I fought the urge to turn and look at her. We hadn't spoken much in her recovery from what her father had done a few years back. I'd hoped that when she'd begun speaking more to Rhys and Cass, I'd be part of that. For some reason, there was still a wall between us. I was in the background of her heart- or so I hoped.
"There you are!" Cass boomed, practically flying from his seat. I turned to see Mor meeting him beside the settee and throwing her arms around him in a way I wished I could feel. She hasn't touched me in years.
"Hi, Cassie-baby," Mor cooed, pressing her plump lips to his cheek. He grinned at her as she stepped away and wrapped her arms around Rhysand from behind the seat. I stiffened at the brush of her arm against my wing, at the sweet berry scent. I tilted my chin to look at her as she straightened, ruffling Rhys's hair.
"Hi, Az," she smiled, fair skin not flushing like it did when she spoke to Cassian. I didn't bother to smile.
"Hey, Mor."
Rhysand suddenly shot from his seat, a wide grin stretching across his face. "Hello, little Frey," he cooed.
I turned in my seat to see his younger sister beside Odessa. A smile that rivaled Rhys's was on her face. She, too, was absent of wings to the common eye. Easily brought back with that magic of theirs. I watched as they held each other as though it had been centuries since one saw the other. I liked that Rhys had someone else to love, a sibling in blood and not circumstance. It made me jealous in the smallest amount, but I still had him and Cass.
Blood means nothing.
I jerked at the sudden shout of the shadow in my ear. I hadn't felt it's presence until it spoke within my mind. Parting my lips, I let out a slow breath to calm my nerves. My eyes found Freyja again. She was stepping back from her brother, his finger tangled in a strand of dark hair that seemed to be shorter than the last time we had seen it. Her eyes flickered to Cassian, saying something I didn't catch before he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Maybe I should stand.
I rose to my feet, crossing the intricate rug and standing beside my brothers. I'd never been close to Freyja. Rhys was always protective of her, though somehow Cassian had found his way in. Perhaps his charm, something I'd never achieve. Bright eyes turned to me, pink flushing pale cheeks. My brow rose. Had she always reacted that way to me? She never came close to me. I'd never touched her, even when she was a toddler and I was a boy. I'd never hugged her like I hugged their mother, but she stepped forward anyway.
I swear I caught sight of her small hands shaking as she rose a hand and offered it to me. My brows knitted, glancing between her and the trembling hand. Her lithe throat bobbed as she tucked her hand away. Cassian burst with a short laugh before hiding behind Odessa when Rhys turned to glare at him. I don't think anyone else caught the way her eyes widened at Mor as she stumbled back a step.