[jill, 24]
*note: time moves so slow in listen land. also, does anyone ever actually shut up & listen???
same day
[cole]
I watched my nephew gather his things after our shopping spree at the game store. "You got it nephew?" I asked to which he nodded and ran to the elevator. I watched until the doors closed behind him and waited for the text that he was in the loft with his parents. Once I did, I still didn't move. I was too filled with information from this talk with Puff who prefers to be called Cassius in private. Everyday I learn something new about my boy. Things I wish I knew when he was alive. I woulda loved to hear about his daddy way back when; all this shit would've made a lot more sense to me. But shit, I gotta tell somebody.
I was going to call Lonnie's burner but then I remembered what happened earlier today; he admitted that he killed somebody. But, that somebody happened to be Mo. Which is honestly understandable. That nigga was a menace. He was bad for Cobe. That being said, I'm tempted to give him a pass and apologize. Killing somebody though; if he did it once, even if the nigga deserved it— he could do it again. I gotta marinate in that for a minute before I make any moves on that situation.
I for damn sure cannot talk to Jemaika about Cobe and his dad. She ain't like him at all. I think she might've actually hated Cobe.
But, Jill, however weird, loved Cobe. She claim she wanna be in my life again; at the top of my call list again. I guess I can give her a try. At least she ain't judgy or a snitch or a murderer.
As the phone rang I suddenly remembered, "Damn, she is a liar though." I said out loud and I know she heard me because her facial expression was of mild confusion and mumbled, "Hey?"
"What's up?" I asked casually.
"Um. Well, nothing much. Just packing up some things for my sis. A little bit of protection or whatever." She sighed. Putting the phone up against something as she moved away. "Why? What's up with you?"
"I just had a conversation with Cobe's dad."
"Oh, Oz? How's he doing?"
"He cool. You know how he be. But, not him. Cobe's real dad."
She stopped what she was doing and looked at the screen. "Where the fuck you see his real dad at? I thought he ain't know him or maybe he was dead or in jail or something. He never talked about a dad other than Oz."
I was nodding along as she spoke. "Exactly, right?! But, I went to check on Oz today and he was there. So, I got him alone and we had a little chat. And by a little chat, I mean a couple hours long. He told me everything. Like everything everything. You know I'm just having a hard time not spilling."
"Then why you call me if you ain't gone tell me nothing?"
"Can I come over? I don't wanna talk over the phone. I don't know how serious or classified this shit is. But, I feel like you're one of the only people who loved Cobe that ain't mad at me right now. And I need to tell somebody."
"Well damn, you better come over."
"Okay." I laughed, "I'm on my way."
"Wait, by the way. Who were you calling a liar when you first called me?"
I'm not going to lie to you, I wanted to say straight up, "You. You lying ass bitch." But, I was still feeling her new vibe out. At the hospital, I could tell something was different about her. Like she was real. Grown up. I don't know. She was off, maybe she's sick or something. Whatever it is, it made me not want to write her off no more like I been doing. I'm not about to get my hopes up though. She always ends up pulling me back in and then dumping me but this time I'm level headed and I know her more. So, I just shrugged at her question. "Nobody. I'ma see you in a minute."
"Alright." She mumbled, taking her phone down and hanging up.
I'm giving her another chance. Shit, I be getting hella chances from everybody. Maybe I can give folks chances too?
We was sitting at the table in her kitchen. She made me some tea and shit. We just chilling and talking about the funeral and everything that happened since the last time we both saw Cobe. Somehow I ended up telling her how guilty I felt about how everything went down.
"You know who did it." She asked me.
I shook my head 'no', "I have my speculations. But I can't say it out loud because I'm afraid it may be true." I admitted, really hoping it wasn't who I think it was.
"Go with your gut, babe. Your intuition. It doesn't lie."
"But, how do I know if it's intuition? What if its just fear or like I don't know, just wrong?"
She shook her head, "It's impossible to get the two mixed up. You just gotta stay close to yourself so you know which sounds and feels like which. But, Spirit wanted me to ask you something. Are you still taking pills? You should go to a psychologist. Maybe the meds you take actually do help you?"
"What?" I jerked my head back.
"There's meds that help subside different mental instabilities. My brother is on meds for Bipolar disorder and it does actually calm him."
"And you're condoning medication? Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She lied and I could tell she was lying. She was staring right into my eyes like she was trying to force me to believe her but when I didn't look away, she rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm not fine. But, I'm just learning that everything has its place. Sometimes, science is parallel to spirituality. I mean like, they piggyback off of one another, right? Science is based off of nature and nature is spiritual. It's basically just manipulating nature the same as I do with plants. Turning them into powders and potions and shit." She was babbling now. Something really fucked with her head.
"I mean yeah, it makes sense. But, this is you talking? Or somebody said something to you? Was it your family? Ya mom?"
"I'm just learning." She said.
"From what?"
"Experience."
"Did something happen?"
"You didn't come over to talk about me and my problems. We're supposed to be talking about Cobe."
"But i'm here. And it seems like you been holding it in. You can talk to me. I'll listen." I offered but she did take it. I waited for her to talk, but she stayed quiet. "You're the one who told me that holding stuff in will make you sick. It's good advice."
"I was at the hospital already when you were admitted." She started anxiously. "I had a client who started having a reaction to something right on the spot. I mean, thank God she was at my house and not driving or whatever. I couldn't figure out what was wrong so I rushed her to the hospital."
"What happened to her?"
"She's okay now. I was too stunned when they were talking so I don't remember the details but something in her makeup made her incompatible with what she got from me. I could've killed her. But, they were able to stabilize her and test her blood to find out what was wrong. I can't do that."
"Jill, that's not on you."
"It is."
"You're still learning, like you said. I'm sure if you go ask some seasoned naturopaths and doulas and root women if they made any big ass mistakes when they were starting out and they'll tell you about how they found out people with diabetes cant have mint or some weird shit that they wouldn't have known if they didn't fuck up that first time they tried it. Then they tried it again to see if there were alternatives that work just as good, right? You gotta let yourself learn my baby."
"Thank you."
"It's not science that made them know. Anybody can test some fucking blood samples. They have experience that lets them know what to look for. And doctors fuck up too. Why you think so many niggas got cerebral palsy and dents in they heads and shit. Niggas die in the hospital everyday from preventable issues. Nobody's perfect. And you not gone change your whole morals off of one accident. And believe me, the meds psychiatrists give not strong enough for a nigga. I been tried that."
"They're not supposed to make you feel high, Cole. They're supposed to make you stable."
"Well whatever I took today got me feeling stable as hell." I smirked. But I feel real different right now.
She shook her head. "Just be careful, aight?"
"I stay careful. I never accept anything from strangers and I—" I paused, remembering that recently I did accept something from a stranger and woke up in the hospital.
"What?" She asked.
I was busy trying to process if what I was thinking was even possible. I didn't answer her. I was wondering if I even should tell her.
"What?" She asked again.
"Nothing, I just remembered something I gotta go take care of." I told her, planning to go to the apartment across the hall from mine to see my so called brother just to see if he's actually there or if it's something else I made up in my head. I've been having a hard ass time trying to differentiate the two. For one, I coulda swore Lonnie was dead. But I was in his fucking bed last night.
"Don't go now, it's late." She said with a strange look on her face. Almost like she was nervous. "Plus, you never finished telling me about Cobe's dad."
"Well you ruined the vibe already bro. The excitement's all gone."
"My bad. But in my defense, you asked." She got up, "I made some lemon bars, you wanna try one? It's not sour, I promise."
"Is it vegan? Is it voodoo?" I squinted my eyes, walking over to get a closer look.
"Nigga."
"Hey. These the questions I gotta ask when its coming from you." I joked, but I kinda meant it too.
"Ain't nobody tryna hex you babes. But, I might be tryna bribe you a little."
"Why? Whatchu want?"
"I wanna know who Lonnie is? Is that your new girlfriend?" She asked bringing the plate of treats to the living room. "What happened to Jemaika?"
"J cool."
"Y'all still together?"
I nodded. She looked at me, anxiously waiting. The thing about Jill is that I can't lie to her. I've never wanted to or felt the need to but some things I feel like she shouldn't know. Like, why does she need to know who Lonnie is. The more we waited and stared at one another, more questions came to me. Like the night we drove down to Georgia for Sarah's funeral. Dame showed me the photo of Jill and Mo. I couldn't remember if I ever asked her about it. And, if she do actually know him, she can clear up the whole situation going on with Maurice.
"You know somebody named Mohammed?" I asked her.
"Yeah. But I know a lot of Mohammeds. You forget what kinda people I hang around." She smiled.
"Omir." I added, hoping that was correct.
"Oh, yeah. He's like a brother to me. We grew up together."
"I heard he got killed."
"When?" She looked at me skeptically.
"Did he not?"
"I haven't heard from him in a few months but I don't think that's the reason." She answered, confusion and concern danced across her features as she picked up her phone. She did a bit of moving on the screen with her fingers until she held the phone up to her ear. "I'm calling him." She told me nervously. I nodded, attempting to match her energy but honestly I was more afraid of the outcome of the call than she was. If he's supposed to be dead and he's not... what does that mean for everyone? All of us. That would mean that Maurice did see him and that he's riding around probably looking for Lonnie. And that would mean that Dame is right. Fucking with him is fucking with my life.
She put the phone down on the table, in thought. My heart dropped. Even though I hope he actually is dead, I don't want him to be at the same time-- for Jill's sake. She opened her mouth to speak, but her phone rang, distracting her. She answered immediately. "Oh my God!" She gasped as soon as she answered. She was cut off immediately though, it seems. She was nodding her head as if she was receiving instructions. She wrote down a phone number and laid the phone down beside the paper she'd written on. She let out a long breath and put her head in her hands.
"What in the actual fuck." She let out as she lifted her head back up. She shook her head.
"You good? Is he dead?"
"No. That was him." She growled lowly, stressed. "I don't know how you know him, but you better be careful Cole. Don't tell anybody that you know he's alive. You have to swear or i'll have to tell him that you know too'"
"You would snitch on me?"
She shook her head, "I promised."
"No you didn't. You literally just nodded your head."
"He will kill you." She said point blank period. "We go way back. Just trust me. Everything don't have to be said to be understood."
"You know what?" I sighed. "That's one thing about you that I just realized."
"What?"
"You're loyal."
She cocked her head to the side, irritated by my outburst, I guess.
"Okay, like yeah duh. But not in the 'oh i'm a ride-or-die' type shit. But like it's just in your nature to be down and your timing is always perfect." I had set it up perfectly to go into a really nice thank you speech about all the down shit she's done but then she had to go and hit me with the: "Wish I could say the same about you."
She smirked then giggled like it was funny.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked her. She laid out across the couch, facing me where I was sitting on the opposite end of the living room in the big chair.
"I'm just saying, you're known to mostly think about yourself. Why you acting like this your first time hearing this?"
"It is. From you."
"I guess I'm just nervous that I can't trust that you'll listen to me and keep this between us."
"Why not?"
"You were asking about him for a reason, correct? Somebody that you care about wants to know."
Duh.
"No."
"Then why did you ask if there's nobody who wants to know about his whereabouts?"
"I was just making conversation. Wouldn't it be cool if we both had recently dead friends? We could bond over it." I said sarcastically, standing up to grab my hat I'd taken off when I arrived. "But, you looking tired now. So," I scratched my head before putting on the cap, "I'mma head out. Thank you for the snacks and shit. We might should kick it more often?" I added on, not sure if I really meant it or was just being nice.
"Sure, text me." She said lowly with a half smile. And there it is again, that vibe that doesn't fit her. Something is wrong and it ain't that lady she put in the hospital. I stood over her, still. She grimaced, watching me back, in silence. "What's up?" She finally broke the silence.
"You good?" I asked her, not feeling comforted by the idea of leaving or staying. Feeling like my brain was in limbo.
"Cole." She sighed. "I just need you to understand this ain't a game. I seen what he can do. How far he can go. I don't wanna be at your funeral next."
"Next?" I asked, taken off guard. Is she talking about Cobe? Did Mo kill Cobe?
"Stop thinking so hard about it." She lowkey begged. "Just forget about it all." She nodded, sitting up. "Go home." She got up, slipping her house shoes on and grabbing her house coat and cup off of the table. She walked past me to the front door with me right behind her after sneaking a photo of the phone number she wrote down. Joining her on the porch, the glass door shut behind me.
She was standing at the banister, watching the sunset. At almost nine in the evening, the sky was colored magentas and sunflower yellows while the sun caressed her face, turning her chocolate brown skin a honey gold. I came up behind her, wrapping my arms around her with my chin resting on her shoulder. "This feel like home." I mumbled, basking in the sight myself. Wrapped in her arms underneath the sunlight on this country ass land will always feel like home to me. She hummed, agreeing. I kissed her cheek and told her goodbye, walking down the stairs to my car. I stopped, watching her; "You sure you're fine? I can stay." I offered. She shook her head, "Go home, Cole. Text me when you make it."
I nodded,"Be safe girl." I called to her before sliding into the driver seat. "Call me." I yelled out the window before driving away. I watched her out the rearview, standing on the porch. Just staring at the sunset. Something weird fasho.
But, she might be right about the loyalty spill; that still had me thinking because when it's so many people involved, it's hard to be loyal to 'em all. Somebody gone get let down at some point. That's my story though. It's hard to choose which person to give my all to when I love all my people. It's also hard when you don't have all the information. So, soon as I got to the corner, I texted Lonnie to meet me at our spot. I need answers before I move forward. But, he hit me up a couple minutes later saying he was busy.
w:08.23.2023
w/e:09.04.2023
p:09.04.2023