I don't know why I'm upset, this is what I wanted.
For some reason the idea of being free again doesn't excite me like it would have a week ago.
I don't want to leave, not because this villa is objectively nicer than the hostel but because I don't want to leave these people. This has been the first time in years where I've actually been accepted into a friend group and I don't want it to end now.
I pack my things, which is easy considering it's just the clothes I was wearing when I got here and some trinkets me and Harper bought near the beach.
"You're leaving?" Harper exclaims, storming into the room. "Yeah my background check came back so.." I shrug, doing my best to sound unbothered.
Harper frowns, crossing her arms. "I don't want you to leave," She huffs.
"I can't live here forever Harper," I laugh, zipping up the backpack she leant me. "Yes you can," She scoffs, approaching me.
"I have to get back to my actual life, I can't just leave all my responsibilities behind," I lie, knowing I really have nothing tying me to my old life.
"I know," She sighs, her shoulders drooping in defeat. "But you have to promise you'll call me everyday so we can still be best friends," She smiles, looking hopeful.
"Sure," I laugh. "I promise," I assure her, a wave of guilt washing over me. I can make these promises all I like but I'll never be able to fulfil them.
"Anyway.. Emilio sent me in here to fetch you," She mumbles. I nod, hugging her before slinging the bag over my shoulder and heading towards the living room.
I say goodbye to Miles and Tyler, knowing I'll genuinely miss them and I receive a curt nod from Lucian as I pass him on the sofa.
I meet Emilio at the door, our eyes locking as I stand in front of him. He looks like he has something to say but he doesn't, instead opening the door and waiting for me to walk out.
I have something to say too, I want to tell him that I don't want to leave and how much I really need help but my mouth remains clamped shut as I pass him, walking out into the dark night.
"Do you want me to take your bag?" He offers as he walks me to his car. "Nah it's fine," I reply, wrapping my arms around myself as the cold night air causes me to shiver.
"Here," He says, pulling off his fleece and handing it to me. I stare down at it for a second, looking at his ring clad hand grasped around the material and then back up to his face.
It causes me to laugh, I can't help myself.
"You're so clique," I laugh, causing him to roll his eyes and retract his hand. "Fine I'll wear it," He scoffs.
"No no I'll take it," I giggle, snatching it from his hand. "My knight in shining armour," I gush sarcastically, wrapping myself up in the large jacket.
"Shut up," He rolls his eyes, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.
We make it to the car moments later, Emilio switching on the heating immediately after we climbed in.
I give Emilio the address of a house that's only down the road from the hostel, knowing I could never actually tell him where I really live.
I would have told him somewhere much further away but I don't particularly feel like walking in the dark especially in that neighbourhood.
I actually enjoy talking to Emilio on the drive over and listening to him rant about mafia related business. Normally he speeds but he's actually driving quite slow, almost as if he's trying to prolong the experience.
"Here we are," He announces, pulling in front of the house I've never been in before. I watch him analyse the rundown house, trying and failing to hide his distaste.
"Thank you," I reply quietly, grabbing my backpack. "And thank you for err.. not killing me," I blurt out awkwardly, causing him to laugh.
"You're welcome," He snorts, his eyes glued to mine. I nod at him before climbing out, anxiety filling me as I slowly shuffle towards the door.
"Wait," He calls out, causing me to turn my head. He extends his hand out of the window, clutching a phone.
I smile when I see the familiar pink phone case, reaching out to grab it. "I've put all our numbers in there so call me.. I mean us," He corrects himself.
I hum in agreement and nod my head, turning back around. I walk up the small stairway and step onto the creaky porch, turning my head to see if he's still here.
Sure enough the Lamborghini is still there, poking out like a sore thumb.
"You can go you know!" I shout to him, trying to hide my desperation. "It's fine I'll wait until you go in," He calls out from his window.
"For fucks sake," I mumble to myself as I turn around. "Here we go," I whisper under my breath before knocking on the door.
I can hear the faint sound of music from inside as I wait, until I eventually hear the sound of feet thumping in my direction.
The clanking of numerous locks unlocking echos from behind the door before it finally cracks open.
"Who are you?" The teenage boy questions, skepticism visible across his features. "Listen I'll give you ten quid if you let me wait inside your house until that car out there drives off," I grit through my clenched jaw.
His eyes drift from me to the car then back to me again. "Let me see the money," He demands in between bites of the sandwich he's eating.
"It's ten quid I promise I have it," I roll my eyes. "Fine," He agrees, pushing open the door.
I turn and wave at Emilio who had been glaring at the boy before walking in and shutting it behind me. I let out a sigh of relief as I stand in the hallway, reaching into my bag to pull out the money.
"Here," I say, handing it to him. "Sorry I know this is weird but I just-" I ramble. "I don't care," He interrupts me bluntly, disappearing into another room.
I wait there for a few moments, awkwardly shifting on my feet in this stranger's house as I wonder what series of bad decisions led me here.
"He's gone you know," The boy calls out from the other room. I quickly stumble out of the house and back onto the street, briefly searching the area to confirm that he actually left before starting my short journey down the street.
It takes me only five minutes to get to the hostel, the walk slightly bearable because of Emilio's cosy jacket that I forgot to give back.
"Hm yes we do have a spare bed but I don't know if I should give it to you after the disappearing act you pulled," The lady at reception who I used to get along with says, her tone judgemental.
"I know and I'm so sorry it's just that I got caught up in something and-" I ramble, the desperation evident in my voice.
"Calm down," She sighs, interrupting me. "Here," She says, pulling something out from behind the counter.
"I held onto it for you," She reveals, handing me the backpack I left here. "Thank you so much," I tell her genuinely, grabbing the bag and heading towards the bunk room.
It's just the same as I left it, the walls still coated in mould, the sheets still stained and the same questionable characters here.
I exhale heavily, dumping my stuff next to the empty bunk. I climb under the scratchy sheets, still wrapped in Emilio's jacket as I close my eyes.
I don't want to be awake, I know all I'll be able to think about is the fact that just an hour ago my life was so much better.
I eventually drift off, my head flooded with thoughts of him.
I tap impatiently on the steering wheel, a blunt in hand as I drive back home.
Smoke fills the car as I think, my brain clouded with thoughts of her.
I sigh, frustrated with myself.
I should have told her how I feel, how I love being around her and how in the short time I've known her she's genuinely made me care about her.
But I didn't, instead I bottled my feelings like a coward.
I know nothing I could have told her would have made her stay but at least she would know and maybe she might actually call me so I can see her again.
"Fuck it," I mumble, recklessly turning the car around. I'll just tell her that I still want her in my life so at least she knows and can make her own decision.
I floor it, speeding in the direction of her house.