Natasha's arm fled to her throat as she started coughing, still on the floor. Her whole neck hurt and she already knew it would get even worse later. God, she'll have bruises for sure. After the first shock passed, she slowly sat up, supporting herself with the other arm. She wiped away the single tear and coughed once more, before looking at him.
She thought earlier that the sight of him, while he talked about not remembering was heartbreaking. Yet it had nothing on the way he looked then.
There was anger, shame, and disgust, all at once pouring out of him. All directed at himself. It seemed almost impossible that one can hate themselves so much as Barnes did at that moment. Something outside lit up the room for a moment long enough that Natasha could notice that his eyes were red. But he didn't cry. He pulled his knees up to his chest, tried to hide in that corner, and blend into the wall, like a terrified child, not a grown man.
And what she couldn't notice was how close James was to start clawing at the line where metal met the flesh and adding even more scars to his shoulder. How much he wished he could rip that thing off. But ripping the arm off wouldn't be enough. At that moment he dreamt of getting his heart ripped out. If it was still there. He sometimes doubted it.
After a short mental debate, Natasha started to move. She didn't fully stand up, she was almost crawling, closing the distance between them.
She stopped when James spoke up. "Don't. Don't come closer."
She did what he asked. She stopped a few feet away from him.
"I knew it would end like this." his voice was quavering. "You shouldn't have stayed here. It's not safe. I don't want to hurt you again."
Natasha swallowed, carefully choosing her words next words. She didn't want to push him or say anything that might sound like she was blaming him. She kept her gaze on his face, but he kept avoiding hers. Too ashamed to even look her in the eyes.
"You won't hurt me," she said, staying in place.
"You don't know that, you can't be sure." he didn't look at her.
"I never said I am." she tilted her head, trying to catch his gaze. "But I choose to believe that you won't."
"How can you say that?" his voice was unsteady.
"Because I trust you."
James caught Natasha off guard by letting out a dry laugh. "I've almost killed you."
He shook his head slowly and swallowed. His gaze fell down from the wall to his arms.
She kept quiet for a moment. The pain in her neck was starting to change already.
"Do you want me to go?" she asked softly. He finally looked at her for a split second before returning his gaze to the floor. He didn't answer. "It's your choice. If you'll feel better if I go, just say one word and I'll be gone.
He opened his mouth but didn't say anything. Their eyes met this time for a little while longer. Looking at her and being aware that he hurt her again was torture. Yet imagining her gone... That was even more pain and heartbreak. And maybe that was selfish. He knew that she would be safer and better off without him. Over the last years, he brought her nothing but trouble. But in that few hours, he brought him more comfort and relief from his demons than he felt in years.
"Do you want me to leave?" she repeated her question.
But he didn't want her to go. He didn't want to be alone. So he shook his head.
"Can I come closer?" her voice was almost a whisper. So gentle, like she was talking to a child. Somehow he didn't hate it. It radiated comfort and a sense of security, like everything she did for him that day. Something he missed dearly.
James nodded and Natasha scooted closer. She reached to his face and brushed away a strand of hair that got into his eyes. He didn't even notice until she moved it away. Her hand moved slightly lower and then he caressed his cheek.
"I'm not afraid of you," she assured and wiped away a single stray tear.
Then her hand found the metal arm. Barnes noticed the delicate hesitation in her movements, how her fingers trembled ever so slightly. He instinctively clenched the fist like it could make that thing less dangerous. Natasha shook her head and proceeded to open it up, finger by finger before she placed a kiss on each knuckle.
"I trust you." she reminded. She put it on her cheek and leaned into it.
He wanted to rip it from her grasp and take it away from her as far as he could. He knew it couldn't have been easy for her. Part of this must have been an act. She was good at masking and hiding, but not good enough to hide from him. He knew her inside out. Well, he hoped he still does. Of course, she has changed, but from what he had seen, not that much. He was catching these tiny signs of distress and trauma easily enough. As fearless as Natasha was, he knew her well enough to know that when she was pretending. And she was doing this for his sake. Normally, he would get angry at her. He asked her before to always be real with him. He made sure she knew she didn't have to hide when she was with him.
But that night they both knew they needed some pretending. To stay sane.
So he decided to do the same for her and didn't take the arm away.
He didn't back away when she hugged him and stroked his hair, despite the fear that something might snap inside him again. Instead, he hugged her back. He let her lead the metal arm across her back, so he would embrace her with both arms. He didn't tense when she rested her head on his chest and chose to plant a kiss on top of her head. He listened to her rhythmic breathing as she was falling asleep again. How she felt this safe in his arms, was beyond him and things he was able to find a reasonable explanation for. Even after he moved them to the mattress, she held him close, nestling against his chest, giving him no choice but to lay next to her.
He wasn't planning on sleeping anymore that night. So no more nightmares and a little bit more safety. Yet despite that, the moment she rolled over, letting him move easily, he stood up and picked up the knife she left on the makeshift table by the door. He put it on the floor, next to her, within her arm's reach. Just in case.
⧗
"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Natasha asked for the third or fourth time making it hard for James not to roll his eyes.
"I'm sure."
The morning was the complete opposite of the rather eventful night. It felt almost domestic. The first thing Natasha saw after opening her eyes aside from the scratched back of the couch, was James's back. He was shaving over the kitchen sink, using a tiny mirror as his main guide. He explained that the light in the bathroom was too weak. She observed him for a while before getting up and taking the razor from his hand and finishing what he started.
It was unusual for him to get help with such a basic task. He almost refused, but changed his mind at the last second and let her guide him to the chair and lifted his head, giving her easier access. She turned it slightly so she would get better light and got to work.
Then they ate breakfast and talked about everything and nothing at the same time. They didn't go back to the previous night. There was no point in dwelling on that. It happened, there was nothing they could do to change it and the only thing they could do was hope that it'll never happen again. Natasha also didn't mention the knife on the floor next to the couch. It wasn't the first time he did that. What she also didn't mention, was the way James kept looking at her neck, where the bruises had already started to form. She'll have to cover them somehow to avoid being interrogated by Laura.
Romanoff never thought that something as simple as a morning spent together would ever feel so satisfying to her. She knew that she would cherish these moments for a long time or at least until she sees him again because all good things soon come to an end. It was time for Natasha to go back to the States if she wanted to avoid Clint sending a search party after her.
"But you'll call me?" she made sure and picked up her bag.
"I will," Barnes confirmed.
He didn't have a mobile phone. He didn't exactly have much money to spare to buy one but it wasn't too big of a problem since he didn't feel like he needed it. Modern-day technology was still a little bit unfamiliar to him. He didn't have much access to it while under Hydra's control and then had other things to worry about. And also it wasn't like he had anyone to call until now.
Thankfully, telephone booths were still a thing in Romania and there was one not so far from his apartment. So they made an agreement - he would call her at least once a week and if she didn't pick up, occupied by a mission or whatever, he would try the next day at the same time, until she answered.
Natasha also already planned to visit him again next month if things will go the way she planned. She was scared of how much work is waiting for her across the ocean regarding the new Avengers and the consequences of Ultron, but hopefully, she'll manage to get everything done and spend some time with Katya.
"Oh, and take care of my cat." she joked, hiding the knife under her jacket.
"Your cat?" James arched an eyebrow at her.
"You said you don't want a cat and that she's not yours, so let's pretend that she's mine and you're just taking care of her while I'm gone."
"No, I think I'll let her meow outside my door until she gets bored."
"I warn you, cats are stubborn." she took the stack of photographs out of the pocket and looked for the one with both her and Katya. "You'll lose that fight."
Barnes snorted and shook his head. He took a photo Natasha handed him. "Thank you."
"Just try not to miss me too much." she joked, trying to loosen up the atmosphere and put the rest of the photographs back into the pocket.
Leaving was harder than she anticipated. She wanted to stay longer and catch up more for the time they'd lost, but duty was calling. He also wanted her to stay. He wanted to pull her closer and beg her to stay. To not leave him alone. It was nice having other company than just his intrusive thoughts, to have someone to speak to for longer than a few minutes. He wouldn't say that out loud, but he already missed her, even though she hasn't even left the apartment yet.
Natasha put her hand on the door handle but didn't pull it down. She hesitated and looked at him once again. Her bag slid off her shoulder and landed on the floor with a quiet thud when she turned on her heel and pulled him closer by his neck. She pressed their lips together without hesitation. Barnes, even though taken by surprise, returned the kiss eagerly, and held her closer by the back of her head. Their foreheads met and only then she slowly opened her eyes.
"I have to go." she said "If I don't leave now, I might not leave at all and it's hard enough as it is."
"I wouldn't mind," he said quietly but his hand slid down, letting her go.
Natasha pulled away, with a wistful, one-sided smile forming on her face. This time she pulled the handle down and opened the door. She stepped outside and turned to him one last time. She didn't say anything. She just looked at him, trying to memorize as much as she could. Like every inch of him wasn't already engraved in her brain.
"Nat," James called after her when she reached the first step.
"Yeah?" she looked at him over her shoulder.
He had so much to say to her, yet had no idea how to put it into words. He wasn't sure if there even were words that could express his gratitude towards her and everything that she made him feel. So in the end he didn't say anything that he truly wanted to.
"Nothing." he shook his head. "Stay warm is all, be careful."
Natasha nodded and then she was gone. James closed his apartment door only after he heard the building's front door close after her. He turned and faced the inside of the room. He knew how depressing it looked but it never bothered him until now. Until she left. Without her, it somehow seemed even more empty than usual. In this short time, her presence made it feel more like home than it ever did when he was on his own.
He found his journal partially slid under his sleeping bag and started writing. About her, about the hours they got to spend together, writing down even the smallest details, everything he could remember. He knew he could never forget her. Many tried to make him and many failed. But he would rather be safe than sorry. She helped him open his eyes once again, she was a shield to that tiny flame of hope that was starting to grow inside him. His finger traced the last sentence of a few pages long entry.
"Never even realized how lost I was without her. But I always was. Just some lost soldier who forgot he ever had a home... Until she gave me one."
If there was one thing he was sure of, it was her. Natasha Romanoff was his home.
last chapter of this part, fourth one in 2 days :)