After stroking his hair one more time Natasha slowly pulled back, much to James' displeasure. He wasn't planning on letting her go, so instead of taking a step back, all she managed to do was make him move his head from her shoulder to her forehead, putting his own against hers. She let out a chuckle and send him a gentle smile.
"I need to ask you a question," she whispered, trying not to break the magic of the moment. "But to do so I also need to show you something so you have to let me move."
He muttered something under his breath and let her go reluctantly. Natasha reached inside her jacket, to the pocket which contents felt weirdly heavy for the past half an hour. She unfolded the plastic bag first and then took the top photograph out, leaving the rest inside, for now, hoping she'll get to take them out later.
After all, Natasha had no idea what she was about to hear. To be honest she didn't even consider the possibility of James saying "no". If he remembered her, how could he forget his daughter? She looked at the small polaroid picture in her hand. It was the oldest one she had, the girl looked the most similar to the way she did the last time he saw her.
It was taken a few months after she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. The change was already visible, she put on some weight and wasn't as terrifyingly skinny as she used to be, but still was petite. Her hair finally had a chance to grow a bit after years of being cut short in a very boyish way. But what was most important, she was smiling in this photo. The smile didn't quite reach her eyes yet but the constant fear in them was very slowly starting to fade away. And back then it was the most sincere smile Natasha had ever seen on that face.
She looked around the tiny apartment and her eyes stopped at the worn-out couch. She came closer and took off her jacket before throwing it over the backrest. She sat down and waited for James to join her, ignoring his puzzled look. He sat close to her, their legs almost brushing. Natasha exhaled loudly, hoping everything will go according to plan, and handed him the photograph.
"Do you remember her?" she asked when he gently took the picture from between her fingers.
He looked at it for quite a while, in complete silence, holding it in both hands. Natasha was staring at his side profile, waiting for his reaction. Any glimpse of recognition on his face, anything. For a long time, his expression was completely neutral, maybe a bit confused. But then his finger skimmed over the paper, where the girl's face was, almost like he wanted to stroke her hair.
"You did it." he finally muttered "You saved her."
He took his gaze off the picture and his eyes met Natasha's. In them was the most grateful look she has ever seen. And they were glistening. With tears.
"I made you a promise, didn't I?" she reminded. That promise was like a sacred oath to her. She would save that girl and get her out or die trying. "Her name is Ekaterina. Ekaterina Yakovlyevna Romanova, but everyone calls her Katya. I couldn't give her your last name so the first of your choice and the middle one after you is all I could do."
James' breath caught in his throat. He shook his head in disbelief and glanced at the picture once again.
"How am I supposed to ever repay you for everything you did for her?" his arms started shaking, his breath quickened, and then Natasha realized he was trying to stop himself from crying. She reached out to stroke his back, trying to offer some comfort.
"You don't have ever to repay me for anything," she said softly. "I'm not here to collect a debt, Yasha. I wanted you to see your daughter and if anyone has any thanking to do, it's me that should be thanking you for trusting me with her."
She kept stroking his back and leaned closer to encircle his neck with her arm. Once again his head rested on her shoulder and she put her cheek against his hair, pulling him closer. Then slowly, piece by piece he let his walls down and broke down.
For a while, he was silent, aside from the rapid breathing sounds. Only after a while first, quiet sobs could've been heard. Natasha held James closely through all of it, constantly moving her hand across his back in a gentle manner, while the other hand stroked his hair. Not immediately did she realize what she was doing was the same thing she used to do for Katya any time she was upset for whatever reason. And it always worked. Sometimes few seconds were enough, another time she had to spend over an hour cuddling her frail frame until she was able to completely calm herself down.
"I've got some more photos if you want to see them."
Barnes sniffled and blinked a few times trying to regain his composure. Natasha still remembered how hard it was for him to express his feelings in front of anyone. It wasn't like he had many chances for that before. He wasn't supposed to have any of them. She only saw him cry twice before.
First, when he trusted her enough to show her his real self, everything that was hidden behind The Winter Soldier's exterior. He mourned and grieved for the life that was taken away from him, the one that he could barely remember.
Second, when he learned about Katya's existence and before he could tell Natasha about her, he found out about Hydra's and Red Room's plans for her. He was told all of this on purpose - for his handlers, it was just another way to try and break him.
He didn't shed any tears while begging Romanoff to save her. On the contrary, he was determined and confident in his decision. For Natasha, it seemed completely crazy at first. He barely knew the child but was ready for great sacrifices. He wanted a better life for her. Safe, normal, far from abuse, free from experiments, trials, and assassin training.
After James nodded, Natasha leaned back to access her jacket pocket and took the plastic bag out. She took all the photos in her hand and sat back down comfortably.
"The one you're holding was taken during Christmas," she explained. "Her first Christmas ever. She was so confused when she got presents but so happy afterward."
Katya was smiling. There was a bit of uncertainty on her face, but the smile was there. She was wearing a red sweater with a reindeer on it. In her arms, she clutched one of her gifts from that day. A stuffed, chubby seal that soon turned into one of her most prized possessions.
It was the same year they got out of The Red Room. Clint invited them over to his and Laura's house. They didn't know each other even half as well as they did now, but ever since he decided not to take his shot, there was this unique connection between them. Then he decided to let her into his life, into his family and that day was the beginning of something much more than usual friendship.
It was also Natasha's first Christmas. The first one were nothing was fake. Where relationships were genuine - created, not set up. Where people really loved each other instead of pretending only because it was needed for a mission. Where instead of empty boxes under the tree, there were real presents, where joy and cheer were sincere. For a while, she felt so overwhelmed that it turned into numbness, but after all the feelings settled down she felt nothing but gratitude. Mostly for Katya though. She still had to learn that her feelings are important too.
Natasha put the photo at the back of the stack. Now on top was one taken over a year after their great escape. The difference in Katya was already striking. Of course, every kid that age changed a lot, they literally grew overnight and the biggest difference was impossible to catch with a camera. The white-haired girl was sitting on her bed in her room at the Bartons. The first time she ever had her own room. Her eyes were a bit puffy and red, she was crying before but these were happy tears. And her smile was wide and sincere.
"This was after I moved her out of the S.H.I.E.L.D quarters. She's five in it."
"Where do you live now?" James asked, not taking his eyes off the picture.
"Technically I still live there. Katya lives in Iowa, with Clint's family."
"Clint?" he repeated, confused. Natasha sighed. It was a long story.
"Clint Barton, Hawkeye," she explained. "We first met in Budapest when we were running away. He was sent to take me out but ended up making a different call and gave me a chance. We spent three days hiding out there, but it was so worth it. I ended up with S.H.I.E.L.D. thanks to him. Later he became my work partner."
Natasha couldn't help but smile at the memories. Back then they certainly didn't seem like something she would smile upon. When the first arrow pierced the wall, the one that Natasha managed to duck by milliseconds, her first instinct was to protect Katya. Shield her with her own body if needed. There was also a second and third arrow before Clint came inside and they started fighting hand in hand.
At first, Katya listened when Natasha told her to hide and squeezed between the wall and a wobbly wardrobe. The girl looked terrified, but Romanoff was sure it wasn't about her safety. It was about disobeying orders and getting caught. Her fight with Clint was much longer than she expected it to be. He was good, but she would've won in the end if she hadn't noticed the girl was not where she was supposed to be. And then their struggle was interrupted by Katya's voice.
"Ya budu strelyat'!" she yelled. Her voice didn't sound like a child's at all. It was much lower than usual, cold, sharp even. "Ostav yeye odnu!'"
A four-year-old skinny girl holding a gun she somehow managed to snatch from one of them without being noticed, was enough to break their fight. The gun seemed bizarrely big in her pale, petite hand, which was surprisingly steady. The weapon's weight not bothering her at all, despite her hand being barely big enough to grip it. There was no trace of fear or even hesitation on her face. An average kid trying to give someone a death stare would probably be perceived as funny looking. But Katya was anything but average. She looked almost eerie, with a clenched jaw and an icy yet somehow empty stare.
For Clint, it was simply surreal to see a child like her. For Natasha, it was a brutal reminder of what she was dealing with. A reminder of everything Hydra and Red Room put inside this girl, what she was supposed to be and started to become. Dispassionate, and ruthless, with no remorse. The weapon in her hand was a trigger to all of it. What made this even worse was the awareness it wasn't her first time holding a gun, that she already had done more than this. More than just pushing the trigger. All to satisfy the sick curiosity of the people responsible for her. They wanted to see if she would do it. If they 'taught her well'.
As fast as she could, without startling the girl, Natasha close the distance between them and took the guy away from her. It turned out to be Barton's. She tossed it across the room and then Katya's started to turn back into a normal child. Her muscles relaxed, shoulders slumped, and emotions showed back on her face with something on the brink between fear and shame taking over.
Romanoff started to calm down the girl, trying to offer her some comfort when she heard Clint mutter in the back "What the hell is this kid?"
"You don't want to know," she replied quietly without facing him.
Despite the initial confusion, two days later he was teaching Katya how to play tic-tac-toe in the vents where they were hiding. Explaining that nothing will happen to her and that no matter the score she won't get punished, took them both a while but it was Clint's main goal during the days they spent hiding - to make Katya show any sign of trust towards him. He succeeded - before they went to sleep, the wall was covered in scribbles.
He also admitted to having kids then. Looking back at it now, while knowing how secretive and protective he was about his family, it was weird for Natasha that he trusted her with that information so early, but she never asked him why.
"You know, I have two like her. Around her age too," he said then, looking at the sleeping girl, covered with Natasha's jacket like a blanket, and her head resting on Romanoff's lap. Clint was sitting by the wall opposite them. The shared space was so small, their stretched legs would touch if they sat directly opposite each other. "How old even is she?"
"Four," Natasha remembered how cold and dry her voice was. He was extending a hand to her, yet she remained dubious and closed off.
"She yours?"
"Not really."
"Doesn't seem like it." he tilted his head, a smile playing on his lips. "But she means something to you, doesn't she?"
She never answered that. But Clint realized the truth faster than she did and he actually helped her with doing so. Back then Natasha convinced herself that she was saving her because James asked her to. She cared because she was his daughter, a part of him. She had no idea how quickly that would change. Only a small part of her knew then. She spent that night thinking about what he said, while subconsciously caressing the girl's hair and letting her hold onto her fingers for hours, no matter how numb they became.
She came back to the present and continued explaining, "That Christmas photo, it was taken at his house, he invited us over for Christmas. A few weeks later he came up with the idea of taking her in. Clint has a wife and two kids, around Katya's age, and they're about to have one more. They are protected and kept off radars. Katya wasn't doing so well at S.H.I.E.L.D. anyway. Too many people, too strict and busy environment. It wouldn't be a good place for any four-year-old, let alone one like her, so I agreed."
"You gave her away?" James asked sudden betrayal flashing across his face.
"No, I would never do that." Natasha shook her head. "I go there as often as I can, when Clint goes home, I go with him and visit every chance I get. I spend most of my free time with her. She's thriving there, she gets to be a child. She's happy. Here, look at this one."
She flipped through the photos to find a specific one and then handed it to James. It was newer than the previous one, taken two years before, with the caption at the bottom saying 'August 2013'. Laura took all the kids to the lake when Natasha and Clint were gone for another mission. She captured a candid shot of Katya, Lila, and Cooper jumping together into the water while holding hands.
"That's Lila and Cooper, Clint's kids," she explained. "They treat Katya like their sister."
Natasha gave Barnes a moment to take a look at it and in the meantime started looking for the next one she wanted to show him. All the candid photos were taken by Laura, photography wasn't even a hobby to her. She just happened to have that old camera, a soft spot for stopping time with it, and a perfect intuition for choosing moments to do so.
The next photograph Romanoff decided on was one with Clint, which captured a moment from Katya's tenth birthday, captioned 'February 23rd, 2014'. She got a ukulele as a present and in the photo, they could see Clint helping the girl adjust her fingers on the fretboard. Archery wasn't Barton's only talent, he also knew his way around a few musical instruments. Katya was mesmerized when she saw him play the guitar for the first time and wanted to try too. Then the idea of the ukulele was born and turned out to be perfect. Two days later she learned her first song.
James didn't pay much attention to that one. Instead, he took another from the stack Natasha was holding. The photo Barnes picked up was one of the older ones, Katya was almost six. It was the only one with Natasha in it. The girl had her arms around her neck, a wide grin on her face, and eyes lit up with joy. Not long before they were wrestling each other and the girl was trying to take her mom down but ended up jumping and then holding onto her. Natasha was also smiling, beaming even. She didn't have many pictures of herself and definitely not ones like that.
"You look happy too." James noticed while trailing his finger along the edge of the picture.
"I was." she agreed. "She called me mama for the first time that day."
She remembered that moment very well. She came back from a mission a few days early and managed to surprise Katya. The girl was overjoyed and in the heat of a moment, called her mama for the first time. She got pretty nervous at first, unsure about Natasha's reaction to that slip of the tongue, but it was completely unnecessary. It meant the world to Romanoff and from that day on, Katya called her only that. Somehow, no matter how many times she heard it, it sounded special.
"Can I keep that?" Barnes asked after a moment of hesitation, where his lips moved but nothing came out.
"It's old." Natasha pointed out. "Wouldn't you rather have a newer one?"
"She has grown on each one since I saw her last, so it doesn't really matter." he shrugged and sighed "And it's the only one with you too."
She turned to face him and their eyes met. She had many hopes, dreams, doubts, and fears about looking for him and going to Bucharest. Yet everything that she already saw and heard, had surpassed her wildest expectations. She hoped that he'll maybe remember her. That she and Katya won't be strangers to him. She didn't dare hope for more. Not only did he remember both of them but he seemed to care. As strong as he used to if not even more.
"Moya zvezda" he whispered.
Natasha felt chills go down her spine. God, how she missed hearing that. How many times had she heard it in her dreams? She didn't realize that they started to lean into each other until their foreheads were touching once again. She could feel his breath on his face. It all seemed too beautiful to be true. While looking into his eyes, she couldn't control her smile.
"What?" he asked quietly, noticing her wistful smile.
"Nothing. I'm just happy." Natasha said and closed her eyes.
They sat like this for a while, relishing each other presence, the warmth radiating from the other person's body. James cupped her cheek in his palm and stroked it with his thumb. His movements weren't so hesitant anymore. He was starting to feel more and more comfortable. After all, this wasn't exactly a new situation to them. The setting, of course. They both went through a lot and had new experiences. Natasha's were rather better than what she was used to. James on the other hand... Well, for him it couldn't probably get worse than it used to be.
But they knew each other, like no one else. For sure some things changed but they'll have time to catch up on that. But deep down, whatever was hiding in their hearts, their souls, what made them fall for each other - that stayed the same.
They used to spend hours like that. Sneaking out, meeting each other in secret, no matter the consequences, no one could stop them from that. Hours of caressing and tracing every inch of each other's body to the point every curve and every scar were engraved in their brains, so deeply no brainwashing could take that away. Before none of them had no idea that such a simple thing as the feel of another person's steady heartbeat beneath the palm of your hand or meeting their gaze, so full of affection, could mean so much.
Especially Natasha was avoiding calling it what it really was for a long time. She knew what it was, but felt like admitting it would make it real. Of course, to them it was real. But it was something about saying it out loud that would make it real for the rest of the world, even though of course no one would hear it. And if it became that real someone could take it away from them. Because of that, she never said it. He said it once. The last time he consciously saw her.
Yet no matter how much they tried to hide it, even from themselves, they both knew what it was. It was love. Love, in its truest, purest, and strongest form. It was love that gave them the ability to save each other. Funny, that from a place like The Red Room, which was supposed to spread only pain and death, came out also something completely opposite, like love.
And it was not only that intimate bond between Natasha and James, full of unspoken words. There was the one that slowly grew between Natasha and Katya and became something extraordinary, something that made sure they both kept their hearts. And last but not least, the unusual love between father and daughter, Katya and James. They didn't know each, that chance was taken away from them, yet they loved each other. Thanks to the sacrifices and promises, they carried each other in their hearts.
Natasha slowly opened her eyes when she felt that Barnes' hand stopped moving. She met his gaze, so similar to the one she remembered. This time her hand crept to the back of his head. She let her fingers tangle in his hair. It was a bit shorter than it used to be, but still long enough. Her eyes darted lower. At first, that thought seemed crazy. She just found him, they had the first conversation in seven years. Yet, when it came to James, logical thinking never was her strong suit so the sudden want to kiss him drowned out her common sense.
With her hand still positioned at his neck, Natasha started to pull him even closer. Slowly, giving him time to realize what's planning to do and a chance to back out.
Suddenly her phone started to vibrate in the back pocket of her jeans.
Natasha jumped away, suddenly brought back to reality, and shook her head. What the hell was she thinking? Then she reached for her phone. She was sure she put it on silent. Must have changed the setting by accident. The screen was lit up with an incoming call from Clint.
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