PAST (2 YEARS AGO) -:-
“Hii Zehra!” His familiar voice sounded so unfamiliar when spoken with his face. He was not completely visible slowly, the light of the turned-on movie reflected on his face a new part of his face cleared upon it.
He had a mix of coloured eyes, he had a tattoo on his arm that I have seen often. He was looking ahead rather than seeing me, probably because I might have not had the chance to face this person I have been anonymously loving, he had.
He was a player, but I loved the pawn.
"Hii," I tried my best to sound normal but my voice pitched low even in a single syllable. I said as I kneaded my palms in my lap,
"How are you?" he asked me, the screen turned white as actors appeared, but yelled out behind us, and he turned to see them.
Before he came back, the screen was back to normal and his face was once again non-visible.
"I am good, what about you?" I said as if I was talking to my Fufi who lives in another state, he smiled, he smiled like he would conquer the world just with his thin lips.
His eyes turned to me, and I was left with a combination of thoughts, "Jisse be-inteha mohabbat karta hu, uske saath baitha hu. Kaisa mehsoos karna chahiye mujhe Zehra?" (I am sitting with the person I love with no limits, you tell me how should I feel?) his words rang in my year for a long while.
This was not the first confession, but those words on paper felt more empty now that his voice had blessed them with it.
I felt red, completely red, "My brother is selling me to Abid! He is getting income out of me. And I feel Abid has different plans, than what I have stumbled upon." I spat in utter pain, because of whatever I have come to know and he was the only man so far I have shared fragments of pain.
His eyes darkened when he heard my words, and his jaw clenched, "I will not let you get married anywhere else, Zehra! It's a matter of time. I completed my studies this year. I will find a job and take you away from here!" He said with so much commitment in his voice.
I don't doubt a single thing he said, because in years and years of this non-together-togetherness. I might have stumbled on various doubts, but his commitment has never faltered on me.
He always said the same thing, he will find a job far away from Vandigana and then will take me away from Murshad.
"What will you do?" I asked him, his face turned towards me, "I have a friend who lives in Chandravanipur and is well acquainted with a politician there. He said he will help me get through that man, and get a job. He will give me a stable income as well as a house to live in, as he did to all his soldiers." He told me his concrete plan.
I trust him.
I gave a nod. The silence grew, his hand on mine, as he clutched it tightly. "I will never let go of you, Zehra! Never!" he said as he kissed my hand.
My blush felt like an explosion on my face, a smile that I couldn't shrug plastered on my face.
The movie played, but dare had I seen a single scene in it! "You said you sing, sing for me!" I asked him, he blinked,
"Here? Right now? People will get distracted and get angry! One day I will sing only for you. And no ear could know that melody because it will only be for you."
~
PRESENT -:-
I watch him so peacefully when he tried to focus on his movie, he tried nothing with my hands on my body. And as much as I liked how he felt the need to make me feel safe.
I need him to do something so that when I don't pull back, I can successfully earn the money I need.
His eyes travelled me when he felt the gaze on his jaw for too long.
"Do you need something?" he implored quietly, and I shook my head, he gave a nod and went back on the movie.
He keeps asking me if I need something, since yesterday.
I closed my eyes and tried to rethink my decisions. But my mother's face appeared before my eyes, and all my doubts were flushed down in the gutter.
Suddenly, his phone started to ring in his hand, he looked at the caller ID turned to me, picked up,
"I am outside. Hmm. I am with my wife. I can't come. Is it important? Fine hand it to him. Yeah. Okay. Alright, I will look!" He said, as he hung up the call, his whole conversation such a monosyllable
"You need to go?" I said immediately, and he sighed, rubbing his hands on his pants, "It's just a brief work, come along with you. Stay at the Rajkot Haveli, I will finish it and we will leave again?" He asked me, I gave a nod.
He came to Chandravanipur, he started the life he dreamt of while studying in Vandigana. And even with all those promises, he did it alone and left me.
I was reminded of the fact that I should hate him. He stood up, extending his hand respectfully for me to take, I did, as he did not let go of it.
He walked out of the screen, strolling in the mall before he went down to his car, he opened my door for me before he finally did release my hand.
He drove the car silently. "What is your work?" I asked him curiously. He shrugged simply, "Everything that goes in Abhiraj's head is executed by me. He got an idea, I search for the roots to support it. He wants to sign a deal I go to make the offer. He creates trouble I resolve it." He said clarifying for me and I acknowledged his words.
"Do you like being the executor for him?" I asked him.
"It doesn't matter. I am just paying him back," he said, his words confusing me. But the car already pulled before the gate of Rajkot Haveli.
I was baffled by his words, but he parked the gate and stepped outside the door. His eyes shifted to my side, he walked over and knocked on the window asking to slide down the window, "If you want you can stroll in the garden, and get engaged it is small work but it might take time." he offered.
"Okay," I replied, he opened the door for me,
"I will try to come back as soon as possible!" he told, as his eyes briefly scanned my face, something torn in them, but he kept his one hand on my side cheek, as he leaned forward and kissed on the left. "Sorry!" He felt so guilty about leaving me.
Shouldn't he have been this guilty when he had stranded me out in the world as he rejected my marriage and went on with his life?
I don't understand where all this unrest was coming from. Maybe the little flashbacks have started to affect my mind now. I was mad at him, it's weird because I am never mad at anyone.
Was this type of emotional allowance part of a rowing relationship?
My head was on everything, I have accepted him, body and soul. And I just never realised it. I already was ready earlier, my body permitted him before he ever asked for it. And my soul? Well, a heart that even in its unconscious state is only reeling the past of the same man.
Can you say your soul doesn't belong to that one person?
I should be angry at him for the purse! That he doubted me,
I should be mad that he left me with the promise he never fulfilled.
I need money I need to be sleeping with him.
But why? A mere 1.23 minutes of the movie time I spent with him, made me accept all the I denied earlier.
Am I just on the headrush? Or am I faltering on the idea of sleeping with him for money?
When his beautiful eyes refused to look away even when he walked backwards on his steps after kissing me, I can feel a sense of lust in me, that wanted to hold onto his collar myself.
I am whore who has slept with a man for money and has been raped multiple times.
Am I a lewd person to dream of things like this after all I have been through?
I turned to the beautiful flower garden on the backside of the haveli, I sat across one zinnia, it was a hard plant to maintain, but it's a flower that can return people's love and feeling and care by flowering most beautifully or dying if felt less loved.
It wasn't the best flower in the bunch, but its oftenness to failure makes it rare.
I wonder if Daiwik is a zinnia, my honest care wouldn't matter if he doesn't feel loved. What if his heart dies eventually?
My lust or my given soul is not the perfect epitome of shared love. Love that he demands and love that I am incapable of.
I heard the ruffles, when Taara appeared, "Hey, I heard you are here!" I heard a familiar voice. She appeared dressed in a black appealing saree.
"Hi! Sorry if I am stepping in your comfort zone?" I honestly apologized, and she shook her head.
"No! I am glad," She said and I nodded in response. She sat beside me, "That is my father-in-law's field! He like growing plants!" She said, "It's beautiful!" I complimented in response.
She coughed, "I know you must be thinking why I am sticking up your ass so much. I will just tell you the truth! I have a sister and she is not here, so I am trying to use you! It's sick being in this huge Haveli with only people who are entitled to bow for you, and maybe not even respect you. Plus I see Daiwik around more than I see Abhiraj I like his personality so I felt as you are his wife I should be bonding together!" Her words were so kind.
It is almost hard to see her as a woman who people feared and wanted at the same time. The Almighty Kalipari.
It was a brief while of conversations with her, and I started to love her! She was so sarcastic with the right amount of companionship. She was the person you know she will be there when you want to dig a grave and she will be there when you want a shoulder to cry.
I instantly love her, and here I was making plans with her for the weekend to go to the market I couldn't stop talking about.
It was like settling here, this Chandravanipur where I was brought for dread, became a place where I feel I am growing a life.
I and her were practically pulled apart! When Daiwik came back and he sat me down in the car.
"What are you paying back Abhiraj for? What did he do for you?"