Tuesday September 12
The next morning I got home early. I put my things on the cupboard in the hallway and I take off my shoes. I walk to the bedroom and open the door.
Lando was in bed on his phone.
"Hey." he says when he looks up and puts his phone away. "Hey Darling." I say and I walk into the bedroom. "Can I lie down with you?" I ask and Lando opens the covers for me. I lie down in bed and Lando lies in my arms. He lays his head on my shoulder and he rubs my stomach.
"I love you Arthur." "I love you too Lando." I say and I kiss his forehead. "How do you feel?" "Unsettled." "Yeah, why?" I ask, tightening my grip. "I'm afraid Arthur." he whispers, pressing his face into the hollow of my neck. I caress his neck. "What scares you so much?" "I'm nauseous. If I eat now I'm going to puke." he says and I swallow. "We can also eat later? If you're sick it's not nice to eat. I can make a smoothie? Would that be something for you?" "Maybe." he says. "Did you throw up yesterday?" I ask. "No." "I am so proud of you." I say and Lando holds me tighter. "I don't want to dissapoint you." "You don't Honey. I see that every day is different, but that's okay. Some days are harder than others. But I'm with you, I'll stay with you." I say and a sob leaves Lando's mouth. "Hey." I say worriedly and I press him closer to me. "It's okay Mon Amour." "It's not okay Arthur." he sobs and I put my hand to his hair. "Take me in your thoughts." I say. "I hurt you." he sobs and I swallow again and I lightly push him away from me so I can look at him. Tears roll down his cheeks. "Look at me Love." Lando looks at me and I rub his cheek. "You're not hurting me. It's a tough time, but we'll get through it together. Right? Everything together." I say. "Everything together." sobs Lando. "I love you Lando." I say and Lando sobs. "Why, you can have better Arthur. I'm hurting you." "You're not hurting me Lando. You're hurting yourself and I'm sorry. I don't want you to think like that. You're not hurting me. Look at me Lando." I say as he looks away. I put both my hands around his face and he looks at me. "You're not hurting me. I know what's better for you. Sometimes you need some space and that's okay. I need that too." I say and I wipe away his tears. "But you don't hurt me, never. And what's our promise?" I ask him. "Say if you are hurt by yourself or somebody else." says Lando and I nod. "Exactly. Did I say those words?" "No." "Right. You're not hurting me. I don't want you to think about that." I say. "Okay." says Lando softly and I wipe his tears again. "Do you know what you make me feel?" I ask and Lando takes my shirt in his hands. He looks at me and waits for me to continue talking.
You make me feel happy, you make me feel loved. You make me feel like the most important person in your world. When I look at you I feel the butterflies in my stomach, I get a big smile on my face. When Charles introduced me to you in 2019 my whole world changed. At that moment it seemed like everyone around me disappeared except the two of us. Charles who?" a smile comes on his face. "When I see you I have to smile, I feel happy. And Lucky me, we've been together for almost 4 years." I say and Lando smiles wider. "4 years already." says Lando and I smile and nod. "4 years. 4 years every time seeing your pretty face. Jeez lucky me." I say and Lando chuckles. "I love you Lando Norris." "I love you too Arthur. Thank you for everything you do for me." he says and hugs me again. "If only you never forget how much I love you." I say and Lando shakes his head. "I love you so much Arthur." says Lando and he looks at me. "I couldn't do this without you. God knows where I would have ended up. Without you I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm doing better thanks to you." "Thanks to us. You search for help by yourself Lando, you maked sure that you always go one step further." "I could never take those steps without you." he says and I smile weakly and I rub his cheek. "We are so strong together." I say and Lando chuckles. "So strong." says Lando and I smile wider. "I say too little how much I need you." says Lando and I shake my head. "Your body posture and your eyes say it all, really." I say and Lando smiles. "You are so sweet Arthur." "I love you. I want to help you in everything you need to do. God if I could get in your car to help you I would have. Then we could have raced Charles and Max together." I say and Lando chuckles and hugs me again. "This is why I love you so much. You know how to say something that makes me feel better again. I love you crazy thoughts Leclerc." he says and I grin and I kiss his neck. "I love you." I say and I hold him close to me.
We stayed like this for a longer period of time. There is a moment of silence between us and I saw through the mirror that Lando closed his eyes.
My alarm clock had to ruin the moment.
Lando startled.
"Sorry." I say and I grab my phone and turn it off. Lando sits up and rubs his eyes. "Your meeting?" Lando ask and I nod. "Yeah. I had set an alarm just to be sure before I forgot." I say and Lando gets a small smile on his face. "Lie down. When I'm done with the meeting I'll lie down with you again." I say. "I want to lie with you. Can you join the meeting via the laptop?" he asks. "Yeah I can, come." I say and Lando nods and smiles. I get up and get my laptop. I then walk back to the living room and I put the laptop on the couch. I look in the kitchen where Lando is standing. I smile and turn on the laptop.
"Arthur? Would you like some tea?" he asks. "Yes, please." I say as I put the plug in the plug. I sit down and put my laptop on the armrest. I start everything up and I grab my notebook and a pen. Lando puts the mugs on the table and I smile. "Thank you." I say. "Welcome." he says and he lies down on the couch. He rests his head on my leg and I smile and rub his cheek.
"How do you feel?" "Good." "Yes?" Lando nods. "Calm." he says. "That is good to hear." I say and I kiss his forehead. I put in my earphones and I look to the side where there is a blanket. I grab the blanket and I put it over Lando. Lando kisses my leg as he lifts the blanket and puts it against his face. "Thank you." Lando says and I smile and I kiss his forehead again. He closes his eyes and I rub his cheek before looking at the laptop.
The meeting started soon after. Lando had been sleeping the whole time. He woke up around closing time. He looks up and I smile. "Hey." I say and he rubs my leg. "Hey." he says. "It's almost over." I say. "Okay." he says. I look at the screen while I go through his hair.
When the meeting is over, I close everything. "Like this." I say as I take off my earphones. "Did you sleep well?" I ask and Lando nods. He sits up and hugs me from the side. I hug him too and he rests his head on my shoulder. "Special meeting?" "No. More about the previous race, the upcoming one and after that I had separately for Ferrari." I say, rubbing his collarbone. "Ah okay. And now? Vacation and rest?" "More rest, but I want to do more for Ferrari itself. I can watch Formula 1 and back in the factory even more." "Do you get a spare roll?" "Sort of. It's more to broaden my own understanding. Ollie's going to do it too. And you never know what the future holds." I say and Lando kisses my jaw. "That is definitely true." he says. "And otherwise you can always come to Redbull." he says and I chuckle and I pull him closer to me. "Ferrari is my home." I say. "I know that." he says and he rubs my stomach. "It's a good thing the color looks so good on you." he says and I chuckle. "I love you." I laugh and he chuckles. "What time are we flying tonight?" "7 am and then we arrive tomorrow morning at 10 am." I say and he sighs and nods. "Okay." he says and I rub his cheek. "It's going to be a long flight." I say and he nods. "Who are we all going with?" "Only Max and Charles. Max has his managers and stuff take a separate plane." I say and Lando chuckles. "Of course" he says and I kiss the side of his head.
"I have to tell you something." I say and Lando looks at me. "Yesterday I was with Charles and Max." "Yes? You were allowed to sleep there, right?" "Yes, but they asked what was wrong. I brought the food to them and I was upset. I told them Lan." Lando looks at me and then he puts his head back on my shoulder. "That's okay. They would know something anyway." "Yes, they had. Max heard something from the last race." I say. "It was expected that it would happen someday." "Are you mad?" I ask. Lando lets go of me and he sits up. I follow him and he takes my hands. "I'm not angry. It's what you just said. You were sad and you had to tell someone. You were sad because of me." "I didn't mean to upset you. I really thought I'd do it right the way I did. I hadn't thought about the pressure of making it myself." I say honestly. "It was sweet Arthur, but I can't. Not now. I saw all the food and I was overwhelmed. I didn't expect the food to be there. I had it in my head that we would sit at the table with a plate in front of us, not this And when you said you made it yourself the panic hit in, because you made everything Arthur. You put a lot of time into it and I don't want to waste your time so everything needs to be eaten. It's a shame if you put in so much work and I don't eat it." "But I would never force you to eat it. We could keep it in the frigde, I had thought about that." I say and he rubs my knuckles. "You made a summary with the calories." he says and I nod. "I wanted it to be as comfortable as possible for you. That way you could also write it down and you didn't have to worry about it. I wanted to make it a relaxing evening, but I did just the opposite." I say and Lando squeezes my hands softly. "Maybe next time it would be better if you told me before. I don't want surprises with food," he says and I nod. "I understand. I should have told you." "But it's really sweet Arthur. You look for everything to make me happy. You make me so happy. You think about everything and yesterday only proved that. I know I'm not easiest now, but still you stay with me." He says and now I squeeze his hands. "I would never leave you for that reason. I wouldn't leave you because you have trouble eating. But look where you are now Lan. You are going so well and I am so proud of you. When you told me yesterday that you had eaten, I was so proud. I didn't expect it." I say honestly. "Me neither." Lando chuckles softly. He looks at our hands and his smile disappears. "I didn't believe it either." He says seriously and then he looks at me again. "Last night I had the first time in a while that I wanted to make myself throw up." he says and I feel myself tense. "I didn't do it," he says and my body relaxes again. "I'm so proud of you." I say and I squeeze his hand. "I was by the toilet. I was on my knees, I rested my hand on the toilet seat. I looked at my fingers, but I didn't. I heard you in my head. I heard you say that everything will be fine, that I can get a warm jug that can relieve the pain, that I can take paracetamol. I heard you say how proud you were of me, actually all those phrases you always repeat. I heard them Arthur. I saw you Arthur. I walked out. I took paracetamol and made a jug and then called you. I really needed to hear your voice." "You are so strong. God I'm so proud of you Sweetie." I let go of his hands and I hold his face in my hands. "You can be so proud of yourself. You take such big steps Lando." I say. Lando puts his hand on my hand and I smile.
A little later I went to make breakfast and then we lay on the couch for a while. Then we packed. I walk from the bathroom back to the room and I stop when I see Lando standing with my present in front of him.
"I want to give you this. I can't be with you every day, but I hope this makes you feel like I'm beside you." I say and I put the present in his hands. "Arthur." Lando whispers and I put my hand on his knee. He opens the gift and he looks at me for a second and then he looks back. Lando sniffs and I squeeze his knee gently. I see a tear roll down his cheek. It is a wooden box in a heart shape. It is made of light wood. I had our names engraved on the front. Lando opens the box and reads the text inside.
Lift your chin, close your eyes, I'll be by your side
He looks to the side where I have glued photos of us . The box has mini envelopes that it can open. He opens one and takes out a small note.
When you look at me, all my worries disappear.
"You may not open everything yet. Each envelope contains a different message. If I am far away from you, but you are having a hard time, grab this box. Look at our photos and open an envelope." I say and Lando looks at me. I bring my hand to his cheek and I wipe away his tears. "Thank you Arthur." he sobs and he puts the box aside and he hugs me.
I walk over to him and I stand at his side and I put my arms around him. "Lift your chin, close your eyes, I'll be by your side." I whisper and a smile comes to my face as Lando raises his chin, closes his eyes and leans closer to me. A smile comes to my face and I kiss his cheek. "Are you okay?" "Yes." he opens his eyes again and he looks at the box. His finger runs over our names. "I'm still so grateful that you ever made this for me." he says and I smile wider. "I'm glad it helps you." "It helps a lot. Even though I've had all the notes several times. When I read it I get that extra motivation and peace." he says. "And that was exactly my intention." I say and Lando puts the box on the bed and hugs me. "I'm glad you're coming along this week." he says and I smile and I lay my chin on top of his head. "Me too. I know it has to be moments of rest, but I don't want to be without you. I'd rather fly with you, despite all the time differences." I say and Lando rubs my back. "You're sweet. Too sweet." "Only for the people I really love." I say and Lando smiles and he looks at me. "I love you too." he says and he presses a kiss to my lips. "Are you flying to Japan?" "No, not that. I have to go to Marcello." I say, rubbing his hip. "My busy boy." he smiles and I chuckle and I rub my nose against his. Lando giggles. "We're going to call a lot." "But there is a time difference." "Yes, but 7 am with me is 2 pm with you. So we have your afternoon and evening to talk for hours." I say. "Lucky us." he smiles and I chuckle and I press a kiss to his lips. "Lucky us." I say.
When we finished packing we put everything in the hallway before we lie down on the couch again.
"Art?" "Yes?" I ask, looking at Lando. He rests his head on my chest. "I uhm... I want to help cook dinner." he says and I stare at him.
A while ago, Lando was no longer allowed to help me cook food. He panicked at almost every step. He wanted to throw the butter in the pan and he barely cut anything off it. He made sure that it went in as little as possible in terms of high calories. At one point he had thrown away part of the pasta, so there wasn't much left and he could eat less. Then I decided that he could no longer help me. Since a few weeks I occasionally ask if he wants to help, but every time he didn't want to.
He didn't dare.
But now he wanted to try.
"Yeah, of course." I say and rub his cheek. He looks away and bites his lip. I study him for a few seconds.
He's tense.
"Hey." I say softly and I put my thumb on his lip and I gently pull it aside as a sign that he should let go of his lip. He lets go of his lip and he looks at me.
"When it gets too much you tell me and then you can stop, okay? You're under no obligation." I say. "Okay." he says and I rub his cheek. "I'm proud of you. You dare to take the step. And if it doesn't work, that's okay. You've taken another step Lan." I say and I see Lando thinking. After a few seconds, he nods and lays his head back on my chest.
"Hey Lan." Lando looks up again and I put my finger under his chin and I kiss his lips. Lando automatically slides up more and I slide my hand to his hip.
We share several kisses and I feel Lando relax under my hands. I rub his hip as we kiss.
"Okay, what are we going to eat?" he asks as we walk to the kitchen. "Lettuce with potatoes." I say, rubbing his knuckles. "Meat?" "Didn't bought it. Forgot." I say and Lando nods. Lando lets go of my hand and he takes the pans. I take things out of the fridge and put them on the counter.
"Okay." says Lando softly and he takes a deep breath and exhales deeply. I look at him. He unscrews his bracelet a few times while looking at the pans. After a few seconds of staring, he shakes his head and walks over to the faucet. He washes his hands and I walk over to him. I squeeze myself against him and put my arms around his waist. I kiss his neck as he dries his hands. He leans closer to me and I lean my head against his.
"I love you." I say. "I love you too." he says. There's a few seconds of silence where Lando can think. I listen to his breathing, which fortunately remains calm.
"Okay. Let's cook." he says and I kiss his temple. "Then I wash my hands. Would you like to turn on the stove?" "Yes." he says and I let go of him. He slides away and I turn on the tap to wash my hands. I grab some soap as I look at Lando. He turns on the stove and takes out the packet of butter. He bites his lip and takes out a knife. I put my hands under water and I wash off the soap. I dry my hands while Lando cuts off a piece of butter. He puts the piece in the pan and he puts the knife on the counter.
I didn't expect him to want to do this already. When he saw the amount of butter going into the pan, he became nervous. You saw how his hands started to shake. The butter melts and Lando takes a step back and bites his nail. He stares at the butter. You just can hear him think. I walk over to him and I put my hand on his hip before I open the potato bag.
I know I can't say anything to Lando right now. Everything I say goes right through them. But the little touches actually help him. I don't say anything, but he knows I'm there.
Lift your chin, close your eyes, I'll be by your side.
He comes to stand next to me and he takes the spatula. I put the potatoes in the pan and Lando starts met stir. I smile at him and he smiles back softly. He stirs the pan while I grab a container for the lettuce. I'm getting the lettuce ready.
"All two bottles in it?" asks Lando softly. "Not all. Little bit." I say and Lando nods softly. I spray some of the dressings in it and I see that Lando is watching me. "And why both and not just one?" "That doesn't make it any better. Jon also uses this when you get salad. I've checked it all out." I say and I look at Lando. "Really?" he asks and I nod. "I want you to be as comfortable as possible." I say. "Thank you Art." he says and I smile.
We finish the meal together and we sit down at the table.
After dinner, Lando lays down on the couch while I tidy everything up. Then I lie down next to him.
"We have to leave soon, right?" he asks and I nod. "Half an hour." I say. "Okay." he says and he takes my hand. "Thank you Arthur." he says and I look at him. "I am so incredibly proud of you." I say. "I could never have done it without you." he says. "You've done so much Lan. You've taken steps yourself. I didn't have to ask, you already did it yourself. I'm so proud of you." "I found it hard." "And that's okay, really. It's hard, but you went through it Lando. You did it in one go and that makes me so proud." I say and Lando smiles softly. "I am proud of myself." he says and I get a big smile on my face.
He is proud of himself.
"And you can be, really." I say and rub his cheek. "I do have a stomach ache." he says and I nod. "It will give a different effect yes. But remember what you just said. You are proud of yourself. Look what you just did. You made another step Lando." I say and he nods. "It was hard for me to see what goes into the lettuce and the butter from the potatoes. I found those two things really hard." "I get that. Those are also the most difficult moments, but even those you did so well Lando. You did the butter yourself. You made the decision yourself." I say and Lando nods. "I'm so proud of you Honey." I say and I kiss his lips. "Thank you Art." "And your stomach ache is it because you were so nervous or is it because of the food." "I think both. I was nervous and I was also less able to eat because I was so nervous." "Okay. Would you like some paracetamol before we go?" "Wait a little longer. Maybe it will be over soon." "Alright my dear." I say and I kiss his shoulder. We cuddle together until we have to go. We put everything in the car and I grab two paracetamols for Lando and a bottle of water. I lock the house and get in the car. "Look is Mon Amour." I say and I give him the bottle of water and the paracetamol. "Thank you." he says. I start the car and I start driving.
"What if Charles and Max start seeing me differently?" asks Lando softly and I look at him. "That they treat me differently." "No, they won't. They might just ask about how you're doing. They've had a clue what was going on, have they been different to you?" "No." "Exactly. They've always been protective of you. It won't be any different now. Do you mind if they start asking questions?" "No, I don't think so. Of course they have questions."
Arriving at the airport I park the car and we walk to the place where we need to be. A man takes us there to Max's plane.
"Hey." I smile when we get to the boys. "Hey Art." Max says and I hug him. "Everthing okay?" I ask as I let go of him and he nods. "Yes it's going well." "Good." I say and I turn to Charles. Lando walks to Max and I walk to Charles. We give each other two kisses on the cheek and I look at him. "How are you?" "I'm fine. You too?" I ask and Charles nods. I look at Max and Lando. Max has his hand on Lando's arm and he nods softly while Lando talks.
"How is he doing?" asks Charles and I look at him. "It's going well. He took another step today. Only now he has a bad stomach ache. He went to help with cooking and that is really a big victory." "He didn't dare anymore?" Charles frowns and I shake my head. "He panicked. For example, about the amount of butter or sauce. And so on. He thought that was very bad. He was no longer allowed to help me with cooking at a certain point, but after that he didn't dare anymore." I say and I look at Lando again. "I didn't think about those things being involved." says charles. "You think that about a lot of things, believe me. I still come across them." I say. Charles puts his hand on my back. "Lando is lucky to have you. You do everything for him and look out for him. You know what you're doing and accept his feelings." "It's not always easy." I say honestly. "And that makes sense. This must be tough for you too." says Charles and I nod softly. "But I will do everything for him, Charles. I'd go for the fire for him." I say and Charles squeezes my side gently. "I know Art. And he would do that for you too." he says and I nod softly. Lando looks at me and I smile at him. He looks at Max again and he says something to him and Max nods. They walk towards us and I stab out my hand. Lando takes my hand and looks around. "We can already board the plane. Charles and I wanted to wait for you." says Max and I nod. We walk into the plane and sit down.
"Do we have to go straight to the track tomorrow?" asks Lando and Max nods. "Unfortunately yes. When we land tomorrow it will be 4 o'clock there." "Okay." says Lando. "Couldn't we fly sooner?" I ask and Max shakes his head. "It just came back from repair. They had an error message on the dashboard." says Max. "Ah okay." I say. "I have already notified the team." "Okay, great." says Lando and he lays my head on my shoulder. I lean my head against his. "A lot planned tomorrow?" I ask and Lando nods. "Track walk and meeting. Not many things, but long ones." says Lando and I nod. "And that's why I never do a track walk." says Max and Lando raises his middle finger to him and Max smiles.
Then we all talk for a longer period of time. We had already taken off in the meantime. Lando and I had unfolded the seats completely so that it was a bed. Lando is lying with his head on my chest. He rubs my stomach while I rub his arm. As we talk, I feel Lando shrinking more and more. I look at him and I see his arm hairs standing up. "Hey." I say softly and he looks at me. "Are you cold?" he nods. "I have blankets, I'll get them." says Max and he stands up. In the meantime, I pull Lando closer to me and rub his cheek. You could feel how cold he was on his face. It wasn't anything new. Since Lando has lost a lot of weight, he gets cold quickly. Sometimes I'm sweating in a T-shirt and Lando is lying on the couch with a sweater and blanket.
"Here, I have duvets for you. Do you want under it too Art?" "Yes that's okay." I say and Max puts the duvet over us. "And here's an extra blanket for you." says Max and he puts the extra parts over Lando. "Thank you Max." Lando says. "No problem. If you're still cold, tell me later. I have more blankets." he says and Lando nods. I kiss Lando's forehead. Max also puts a blanket around Charles.
It wasn't long before Lando was asleep. We had turned on a movie in the meantime. We all went to sleep around 1am.