ZEHRA
My eyes went to the box in his hand, my eyes blurred, cheeks heating up, as I stepped back immediately from him, my eyes travelling in the whole house before they rest on his face,
I was here to ask him something, but I watched the words and my voice running miles from where I was standing,
And a new question gripped me, I was ashamed, I shied away, turning around, as I traced my steps back into the bedroom, to behave unaware of whatever happened there.
I was unsure if the box was still before my eyes, or is it I couldn't shake it out of my head. I have seen these boxes and the unchaste ads on television, but I was not a cavewoman. I know where and when they are used,
The question I had starting to deflect me, I stopped at the threshold of his bedroom, turning around, my eyes blinked at him, who hadn't taken his eyes away from, or my open back that he just unzipped.
Did he ask Devakshaya to take Divya and Maa away?
"Did you-"
"I didn't, Dev did it and it was surprising to me too, and this box he did it as a tease!" He was straightforward, maybe he saw the discomfort behind my red face.
I gave a slow nod before I shut the door in his face.
I rested myself on the door, staring at the ceiling,
He wants me to love him, accept him, want him, trust him. And I have been standing at a place, where I have forgotten how to do all these things.
Love was the word, I lost when I was sitting in front of the drape and waited hours for him to show up and take me away from that misery.
Accept him? I had accepted so many things, I don't have the power to accept something else, something new.
Trust? He lost it once, and I lost my heart. I don't have it to give him again to break or keep.
And I have learned my lesson early in life. You don't get what you want. You never do.
But if I remove the pressure of these words from our life? I am ready to live my life the same way I have been living for almost a month now!
If he forgot that we are not married, it's nothing new, because days went by and I forgot that we have a fake marriage.
I heard the nod, stirring out of my mind, "You did not eat or drink at the party, I will and bring some take out?" He asked me,
"Why unnecessarily! I will cook!" I said when he groaned on the other side,
"No, you will not." He said, as I felt something by my feet, he shoved the phone to me, at his perfect time.
I took the phone, changing in, I dialled the number,
"Zehra!" Ammi was so cheerful on the other side, her words on and on, her usual concerns in the middle.
She doesn't know where I am, she doesn't know what I have been through. All she was told is my husband died, my in-laws married me to someone else, and I am living with that someone else.
My in-laws did not bother to tell her who I was married off to, what he does or his photo at most, and completely shunned them from my life, it is no doubt to me that my in-laws and old man made the pact and distributed the money of my soul with each other.
I sent her money from the brothel every month, something that my husband promised to Murshad when he married me. And now, they think the money was my now-husband's doing but, it was the penny of me breaking my soul every day behind closed doors.
And the month's end was approaching, the time when I sent her money, and I don't have anything to give her,
What should I do?
"Zehra!" She called me, and I replied in a hum again, again telling me about the medication bills and the needs of the house. How the rooftop has cracked and water is dripping from the sides. She was hoping I could ask my husband for little extra money.
Extra money? I don't have a husband.
"Ammi, I will try," I said, as she told me to be fine and good before she hung up the phone. I kept the phone on my lap, hearing the front door open again, Daiwik walking inside the house.
"Zehra! Food!" he called me, I heard him clattering in the kitchen, bringing plates, and I stepped out of the room.
I can't ask him for money, not when all I have done is taken from him!
The market, he bought all those things for me, how selfish will I be, I don't even give him what he wants and ask him for money?
I just shrugged the thought of even asking far away, what if I do give him?
If I do ask him to just, sleep with me and give me the money? It will be less and maybe Ammi will have to live in the moulded house a month longer, I can try it often, and collect more money next month.
He wants me to want him. I can do that. I can pretend that he wants me to do it! I can act like that.
Well, I'm again, where I was,
Back to being a whore.
And it won't be so bad, because it will be Daiwik, I don't despise him.
I wondered, he looked at me from the distance as he ate,
"Everything fine? You look tense?" He asked me, I shook my head in response. He leaned forward, elbow on knees,
"Are you still hung on a condom? I swear it is not mine!" He said, but I just chuckled.
"I know! I trust Devakshaya can do it more than I trust that you will not." I said, when he nodded, eating the noodles he brought today.
"Is your mom okay then?" he was reading through me, and I gave a jerky nod.
"Yes! She is very okay," I tried to rest his curiosity, but he frowned. "I heard you made plans with Sarisha?" He asked me out of the blue,
"How do you know?"
"Vidyut texted me, asking me for your number, Sarisha wanted it."
"Oh," I said and he nodded, and kept the plate down, "So," He said, and picked out the bag from the side and handed it over to me. "Here is the number I gave him." He said and blinked at the bag.
When I took it and looked inside, it was a box of brand-new phone.
All my life I have been standing under the pressure of a rock, and all the kind things Daiwik does adds another, and right now this phone was running my capacity to hold on.
He has a problem right now! He lost his money on his dad's gamble and the house. And now what should I do?
I took the box and opened it looking at the shiny screen fitted well in the rectangle cuboidal, I picked it up, and it turned on itself, he must have pulled in my network card and required items.
"I love it!" I said when he just shrugged it. "It is nothing!" he said and turned his attention to television.
I stood up, to take the plates but he followed me behind, taking the other and cutlery, which he kept in the sink with me. "I can do the dishes today," He said,
Because his mother is not here, he doesn't want me to act like his wife. Is this supposed to dagger through me like that?
He started to do the dishes, but I did not want to leave the kitchen,
So I randomly re-arranged the things in the kitchen that I don't like when Divya shifts them here and there.
"You do know you can tell me whatever problem it is? Zehra?" he asked me, I can't, there is a limit for someone offering, and there is a limit for someone asking.
"I know," I said, as honestly as I could, he returned to his silence. I know he has not trusted me on this yet, his eyes were carefully following my every mood that he to understand me. In the same way, he is always down when he wants to evaluate me.
I was done and he was at the same time, but he went into the television room rather than the bedroom.
Coming back to the room, keeping the jewellery and clothes back in their places, I waited for him to arrive in the room, and sleep. It was very late at night, but he did not move. The television running,
I went over to him, leaning my front on the door frame dug my head down, "Is something interesting on tv today?" I asked him, he looked up from the phone he was operating. Not even looking at the television.
He narrowed his brow at my open approach, he was doubting me, and anyone will, after the condom my usual personality should be me hiding in a double duvet.
Not leaning on the door, "No, do you want to watch? Take control!" he offered, but I shook my head.
"No, because it's one right now! Both of us should sleep?" I pushed, hoping his suspicion won't grow. "I know," he said and went back to the phone. But looked up again the next minute.
"Is the volume bothering you?" he was trying to make meaning out of my approach like this, I need money. I want that money for my mother, my brother and my dad. Living in the mould will sicken my family.
"No!" I tried a casual tone,
"Sorry, Zehra!" He said, I frowned entering the room.
"Why?" I implored,
"I don't know, but are you mad at me?" he asked so innocently, I shook my head,
"I am happy! About the phone," A great cover-up, he scowled again, before nodding and back to his screen. "Are you not going to do it?" I said clearly meant the intercourse.
"Fine!" He said and then turned the television off. He thought I was still talking about volume.
"I will sleep outside. Maa is not here so you sleep comfortably," He said, I shook my head immediately. "No, you should sleep inside the room. You should sleep on the bed today! I mean..." I was too straightforward, it left him with bigger distrust.
"You are already there when I wake up." I taunted, and he bit his lips, jaw clenching.
"I don't mean to... it wasn't a problem. I just mean you can sleep on the bed." reserving my words, I turned and went into the room, leaving the lights on, I went in the duvet and closed my eyes, maybe ten minutes later I felt the bed sinking another side.
You can do it Zehra. It is nothing new than what you did always. I rolled myself when I found his face staring at me already.
I kept my hands on his cheek, not light but not the very best stubble caressed his cheeks so well, and my thumb moved back and forth to feel the roughness, I met his beautiful eyes before I leaned in forward to kiss him.
He was taken aback, actually pulling himself back, "What are you doing Zehra?"
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Just to clarify dear readers! I am not pushing Sarisha's character she was meant to be the best friend part of Zehra's new life.
The short story part was my random guess to do!
DROP YOUR OPINION OF ZEHRA's plan and act, and what she should have done!?