CHAPTER ELEVEN . Illicit Affairs
October always knew that it was going to end at some point.
Elijah wasn't looking at her, jaw clenching as he tried to remain expressionless, as she sat next to him hands firmly to herself. She wanted to comfort him, place a hand on his shoulder, but she knew that it wouldn't help. He was pretending that he was fine, pointing out that she could that he wasn't would only make him frustrated. They both weren't emotional people in the sense that they didn't cry a lot. Elijah didn't feel sad, he felt numb - October wasn't mad, she was tired. She knew she wouldn't be able to keep it up for much longer. Pretending that they hadn't woken up next to each other, kissing her shoulder to wake her up, when they saw their friends later that day - acting like they were seeing each other for the first time.
The magic of the situation had faded away and she no longer felt excited. She knew that she'd just be left feeling empty afterwards. It was impossible for her to ever hate Elijah, hating him would be hating herself. She didn't blame him - she didn't blame herself. They just weren't designed to work. There was an error in their machinery and they couldn't fix it - they didn't function together. October was simply done with pretending that everything was fine, she didn't want to ignore the problem anymore. She couldn't continue to subject herself to his charm and let herself be burned by his flame even if the warmth was inviting. She wasn't delicate, she could handle a lot but she couldn't handle that.
Maybe if she didn't have feelings for him it would be easier - she'd be able to treat the situation like he did.
The air of the morning felt crisp that day, the sky seemed clearer. The brightness of the sun was rejuvenating - like it had a greater meaning. Maybe that's just because she liked English and looked for hidden messages in things as simple as the illumination of golden rays, when really the only explanation was that it was the end of August. Even if the weather didn't have a subliminal effect she still felt enlightened.
She went over to his, they didn't talk until they were in the safety of his room. They hadn't even said hello. She guessed that he could tell by her demeanour that something was wrong - he always was able to pick up on it. The silent warning that something coming, the raincloud hanging over their heads waiting for the storm to break.
They sat down on his bed, she sat further away from him than usual. He looked confused, she said they should stop whatever it was that they had going on. He said that was fine she gave him an unimpressed look, "Fine?", she repeated bitterly. She wanted him to care, to try and fight for it - she knew he wouldn't. She couldn't hate him but at that moment she was angry with him.
"I don't know what else you want me to say.", he told her - they both knew that there was a list of things she wanted him to say.
He couldn't do it. He didn't care if that made him a coward, he was terrified of how much he liked her. He didn't know what love was, he had never experienced it. He knew platonic love, he had that with many people. He knew whatever he felt for October wasn't platonic. He knew that it scared him. That even if he tried he couldn't put into words what she meant to him. That with her everything seemed to make sense, that she made him better. It would torture to say that, to tell her that he slept better when she was there, that the jokes seemed funnier when she was laughing at them. He hated that he couldn't tell her that she was peace and excitement and everything right in his life.
He didn't know why, he hated himself for it. He wished he was different. That he was strong enough to accept the pain of confession and be with her. That even if she didn't want to be with him that he still was able to say it and not feel ashamed. Not feel like his heart was being ripped out of his chest to be laughed at. Ever since he met her it never felt like she was a stranger, talking to her was like speaking to someone he had always known. She was familiar to him. Like he had always belonged to her.
She made him alive but what could bring you to life could also kill you and he didn't want to give her that power. He thought that it would be fine, that it would hurt less because he kept his feelings to himself. It didn't. She told him that she wanted to stop and he felt everything begin to collapse. He agreed, he couldn't think of anything else to say. He didn't know how he felt in that moment. It felt easier to pretend that he didn't feel anything.
She didn't shout at him, she was angry but it was fired towards herself. That she had ever thought that it was anything more. She gave him a smile despite him not seeing it, he was looking at the floor. "I don't regret any of it.", and strangely she meant it. She wouldn't change a thing. Despite any pain it brought he still have her a once in a lifetime experience - feelings that she didn't know she'd ever feel again but happy to discover she was capable of. He didn't reply, he did regret it. She carried on she hated the silence, "It makes sense anyway, I'm going to uni next month - you've got the band. You'll probably be too busy for me anyway."
"I'll never be too busy for you.", be sincerely told her. Quiet and not moving his head but she could still tell that he meant it.
She took a deep breath, "Suppose I should be on my way then.", he didn't argue - he wanted to, he wanted to tell her to stay . . . to stay with him. He led her to the door, they didn't talk. She hugged him and he hugged back knowing it would be the last time. He didn't let go for at least five minutes, he'd let himself have that. He breathed in the scent of her perfume, she never liked floral or overly sweet scents - she smelt fresh like summer. She laughed when she pulled away, he memorised the melody. It sounded better than any song he'd ever write. "Cheer up.", she told him with a sympathetic smile before leaving. She walked home - wanted to spend the journey thinking.
He cried when he closed the door. He got frustrated at himself for doing so. Groaning and angrily rubbing his eye. That night he couldn't sleep, she wasn't there. She was gone and took a part of him with her. He knew that he shouldn't but he called her after an hour of not being able to sleep, he thought that hearing her voice might be able to bring him some comfort - she didn't answer. He sent her a text saying that he was sorry - she didn't reply. He was being genuine, she thought he was trying to make himself feel better (admittedly, he was - hoping an apology would make him feel less guilty).
He hadn't left his room since, he felt pathetic. He knew it was too late to try and fix it. He hid under his covers hoping he would drown in them or suffocate. He wanted a different pain than the one his heart was experiencing. There was no point going outside, not when it just feel dull without her. There was also the possibility that they'd run into each other, it felt like that would happen to them. Their paths always had a way of crossing. She had made the sun feel cold, took the stars of the night with her. Everything felt a little less beautiful without her around.
Ryan had come over after three days of silence. Elijah had his back facing him - lying under his covers, duvet pulled up to his neck. He didn't move, didn't acknowledge his presence. Ryan didn't say anything just comfortingly rubbing his back. He stayed there for three hours. He told about what had happened whilst he had been hiding away - not to make him feel guilty but to distract him with mindless conversation. Elijah didn't reply, Ryan didn't need or expect him to. He brought Elijah water and some snacks, Elijah felt too sick to eat.
He'd come over at least once a day. One time Elijah even said goodbye to him. Ryan forced him to take a shower and finally change out of the hoodie he had even wearing all week. He thought that the water would help clear his mind.
Then after two weeks of Elijah not leaving the house and ignoring their calls, all three of them decided to go over. It took Rob some convincing - he was mad at Elijah because now October wasn't talking to him. He wasn't choosing sides, he loved Elijah but he found it very difficult to accept that he had to have one or the other. He loved them both equally. No one knew what happened, they didn't need to. All they knew is that two of their friends were hurting and it killed them. They had stood outside his house planning what to do.
"Hear me out-", Rob began.
Ryan cut him off, "Already no."
"We fill up a bucket with ice cold water-", Rob continued ignoring Ryan's sigh and shaking head, "-and we throw it over him."
"I mean that would technically force him to get up.", Josh shrugged.
"We're not throwing ice-cold water over him!", Ryan exclaimed.
"It's two against one.", Rob said.
"I never said that we should do it, I just says that it would technically work.", Josh corrected, "How about we save it as a backup option if the first one doesn't work."
"Fine. Then what's plan A?", Rob gave in.
Ryan looked defeated - he wanted to help but he didn't know how to make it better. "Think we just distract him for a bit. Take his mind off it."
"And what exactly is 'it'?", Josh asked. Rob and Ryan looked at him, "What?", he said in defence, "Are we just never going to talk about it?"
Ryan exhaled sadly, "I mean, they definitely had something going on.", they all nodded in agreement, "Well, I'm guessing they don't anymore."
"And what do we do about Tobey? We can't just ignore her because of Elijah.", Rob complained.
"We don't have to ignore her, I just doubt that we'll be seeing them at the same time anytime soon. We'll just have to make time for both.", Ryan decided, "But right now our friend needs us. So promise to not be mad at him."
"Of course I won't be mad at him, I'm not completely sadistic.", Rob argued, Josh laughed - Rob rolled his eyes.
They all have each other nods of preparation and then knocked. His mum let them in, she asked them to let her know if he was okay and if he needed anything - it was obvious that she was worried about him too. They all agreed and then rushed off upstairs. Ryan knocked, Elijah didn't reply. He was in the same position as the last time Ryan was over, it was like no time had passed at all. "Get your lazy arse up, we're going on a walk and you're coming.", Rob announced - Josh hit him.
Elijah just groaned and pulled his covers up over his head. Ryan walked over and pulled them back down. "Ignore Rob, we don't have to go outside. We can just watch a movie or something.", he suggested. Elijah knew they wouldn't leave, he loved them for it. He sat up, and they all smiled.
"I'm choosing the film though.", he muttered. They didn't argue, they nodded their heads and laughed. They bought pizza and made sure he ate some of it. He even laughed, only once but it had been the first time in two weeks that he had done so. He felt guilty when he had - he didn't think he deserved to feel happy. Though the feeling passed when Ryan smiled at him and he let himself relax, he let himself forget for the time being. He knew she shouldn't be allowed to feel happy but he always was with his friends.
October felt awful for not feeling awful. Don't get her wrong, it was tearing her up inside. She missed him more than she ever thought possible but she also felt lighter. The burden of the secrecy gone. October loved the weather, she felt like it was made for her. It was foggy with rain the next day, she laughed. It always seemed to know how she was feeling and dedicated itself to representing it. That the hazy white clouds and rain that looked soft were made just for her - that it was a beautiful display of her emotions that only she could relate to. That it was in her honour and only she could relate.
She was sad but she didn't cry. There was strange peace that came along with the loss. He felt like the sun in the dark. He was the moon shining through the window making the night feel less lonely. Though, she feels like she had already come to accept their fate - that she always knew that they'd eventually break. The signs were there from the beginning.
She had reached acceptance and yet still grieved.
She truly felt like she didn't know anyone better than she did him, that they were cut from the same cloth. She knew her friends - she knew them but she didn't just know Elijah. They were always thinking the same thing and had the same motivations. She didn't have to learn anything about him, she already knew everything. One look in his eyes and she could that they were the same, that she'd never understand anyone to the same extent. She wasn't sorry for running away, she was saving herself from a burning building. She was sorry for not leaving sooner - that maybe if she did it would hurt less.
She had gone out a week later, and for the first time wasn't a happy drunk. She kissed someone, she didn't remember who. She was hoping it would feel the same as when she kissed Elijah - it didn't. Then she threw up, she rushed to the bathroom and was sick - Maeve holding back her hair and soothingly rubbing her back. October cried then, not because she missed Elijah but because she felt awful for kissing someone else. She didn't drink for a while after that.
Then before she knew it she was getting ready to go to college and she had a distraction from the pain. Elijah always told her that he wasn't surprised she was going to Trinity - said she'd be the smartest one there, that she was the smartest person he knew. She didn't feel very smart, he could make her feel awfully naive. That she wasn't smart enough to walk away because she liked the feeling.
AUTHOR'S NOTE ━━
yes Trinity is a normal people reference 😇 short and devastatingly sad chapter to end the first act on but it's kinda bittersweet. hope you all enjoyed act one!!! i love you all and as always i'm sorry