I love you as certain dark things are meant to be loved,
in secret,
between the shadow and the soul. -Pablo Neruda
I sat in the doctor's main room, his experiment lab, with Ujiko himself, and Shigaraki. The cold metal of the gurney against my hand brought back unpleasant memories, and I had to fight off the nausea I felt as Tomura Shigaraki walked over to it.
I remembered how it felt as the machines tore into my skin, the pain clear as day as I was wide awake. I remember the cutting and the slicing and the invasive surgeries, all on my conscious self as if I was a corpse. I remember screaming until I lost my voice and gripping the metal of the gurney until my muscles were too weak. I remember wishing that I'd go into shock sooner so I could pass out and avoid some of the pain.
I also remember consenting to all of those surgeries, just like how Tenko was about to, and regretting it the second the machines broke skin.
Tenko tugged his shirt off over his head, leaving him in sweatpants that hung low on his hips, the waistband of his boxers peeking out. Scars lined his arms and abdomen, almost running opposite of his ab muscles. Scratches and bruises and scars ran in all directions along his shoulders and back, and self-inflicted scars covered his neck from years of incessant scratching. He stared at the hand he was holding. It survived the Re-Destro fight, but it wasn't Father. I don't even know which family member it belonged to. I don't even think he knew either.
He handed me his shirt, avoiding my eyes. Tenko isn't stupid. He definitely knew how I felt about him going under the doctor's knife. There's always a catch with Ujiko and Master, it's never as simple as just one procedure. Sometimes procedures would take months or years to complete, and sometimes, after the surgeries and procedures, the subjects would have to be suspended in a coma in one of the tanks filled with fluids of unknown origin. I remember waking up in one of those tanks once, because my subconscious was too powerful after I was given my telepathy. It was terrifying.
I just hope he handles it all better than I ever did. I held his shirt closer to my chest, and Ujiko glanced at both of us.
"You're sure about this, Tomura? You are already so powerful. Why do you wish to gain more power?"
"If someone offers me something, I don't often refuse it." He grinned, and handed me the hand, too. I grimaced, placing it down on a table nearby.
"You're going to be in hellish agony for four months." The doctor shrugged, motioning to me. "And she will too. Of course, it'll be just a quarter of the pain you're feeling, but as I'm sure Y/N can attest, a quarter of the pain is still quite a bit of pain."
I shuddered.
"Someone needs to be with you at all times." Tenko said quietly, his gaze sincere.
"Yes, he's right." The doctor nodded. "You've been through worse, Y/N. But it will be bad. Someone needs to be with you in case-"
"-In case you drop." Tenko cut in. "Someone better be there to drag your ass back to safety when I'm gone."
"How about Hawks?" I asked. Tenko's expression hardened.
"Absolutely not."
"He killed Best Jeanist, Tomura. He's not dumb enough to go against us when we literally have proof of him having the body. Also, I trust him. I think he's really on our side." I said quietly. I shifted the jacket to the side, so he could see the feather in the inner pocket. Realization passed over his face. "And wouldn't it make the most sense for him to keep an eye on me? Considering the facade I'm keeping up with him?
Tenko was quiet, his eyes searching mine.
"Be careful. I know you trust him, or whatever. But he's a hero at the end of the day. And as much as you trust him, I never will."
The doctor put his hand on Tenko's shoulder, breaking up our conversation. I glared at him, and he shrugged.
"It's time to start. Y/N. I need you to go."
"Give us a minute, doc." My white haired companion waved his hand, dismissing him. Ujiko rolled his eyes.
"Fine. A couple minutes, and we start." He stalked out of the room, disappearing into the darkness. I heard a door click shut. Tears began to build in my eyes and I exhaled, glancing at the ground, hoping Tenko wouldn't notice. Of course, he noticed.
"Hey." He lifted my chin, causing them to spill down my cheeks, wiping away my tears. "Hey. It's alright, Y/N."
"Don't you remember how awful it was?" I whispered, my voice shaky. "Don't you remember?"
"Shhh, Y/N. You're safe. It's all over now."
"I remember. But I'm strong enough. I can handle it for both of us." His lips turned up in a gentle, very slight smile, his hand caressing my cheek. I'm sure Master and the doctor would both have an aneurysm if they saw how gentle and loving the "Symbol of Evil" was towards his girl. His queen, as he put it. "And remember, once I have all this power, it'll be yours, too."
I dropped my head against his chest, and his hand came up to stroke my hair.
"Please be strong enough."
He kissed my forehead.
"I will be, love."
Love.
"Alright, time's up." The doctor called, and I took a step back, nodding at Tomura Shigaraki and turning to the doctor before he passed me to get to Tenko. I placed a hand on his hand, smiling at him, but the thoughts I projected into his head were anything but friendly.
"If you fuck something up and he dies or gets hurt, I will use the power you gave me to end you. Don't ever forget who your most powerful creation really is."
The doctor's face twisted up in horror, his mouth dropping open and I saw him start to shake in fear as I tightened my grip on his shoulder. He's always been a scaredy cat.
I released his shoulder, not dropping my smile.
"Y/N. Go somewhere safe with Hawks by the end of the day and stay there until you start to feel the pain." Tenko said from behind me and I nodded, walking away, wrapping myself tighter in his jacket.
"Good luck, Tomura."
.
.
.
"So, the heroes are none the wiser about the Front!" Hawks said cheerily, the only light in the room aimed at him. Myself and the rest of the Paranormal Liberation Front lieutenants sat in the biggest conference room, mostly hidden in the dark. My seat was directly in the middle, as the acting Grand Commander of the Front for the next four months. "They think the League is just a few members in hiding. Also, I've been spreading the good word about the Front. I even gave Endeavor and some of the UA trainees Destro's books!"
We all looked down at our screens, watching the footage from the micro cameras on Hawks' wings and feathers that Skeptic had installed. Izuku Midoriya, Katsuki Bakugo and Shoto Todoroki were all about to stop a couple street thugs, but Hawks was way faster, taking the thugs out before the kids even hit the ground.
"I guess the kids haven't really grown too much." Dabi grinned, and I knew exactly who out of the three boys he was looking at.
"Yeah, but I mean, give 'em a break. They're kids." Hawks shrugged.
"You can see yourself out, Hawks. Thank you so much for the information." Re-Destro grinned at him, and Hawks hesitated, glancing at me.
"I'll be out in a minute." I said gently. He smiled back, sweet as ever, and left the room. The non-League lieutenants looked over at me, confused.
"Y'know how Tomura and I had that weird energy thing? When we fought Re-Destro?" I asked, voice quiet. "Same thing with pain. And the pain he's going to go through before he reaches his ultimate power throughout the next four months is unlike anything any of you can imagine. I won't feel it all. But I'll feel enough. So I need someone with me at all times to make sure I'm okay."
"And that person is Hawks?" Dabi groaned. "Don't tell me you're starting to trust him."
"I'm not starting to. I do trust him, Dabi. How is all this not proof enough for you?" I motioned to the monitors and screens. He scoffed, ignoring me.
"Anyway, once he's done, Y/N will be back to normal, and, you know, destruction for all. Courtesy of Tomura." Toga elaborated, making an explosion noise. I laughed and stood up. "Be careful. If you need help from a girl, just call me."
"I will, Himiko. Thank you." I pushed in my chair, shooting Dabi a glare, and walked out, noticing another one of Hawks' feathers was caught in the door. I grabbed it, opening the door and handing it to the winged ex-hero. "Here. You left this behind. Does it hurt, when they get caught and pulled out like that?"
"Not really. A lot of times they just accidentally fall out. Like shedding!" He tossed the feather in the air and it floated down to the ground. "I can feel my feathers like they're limbs. But I guess that makes it weirder since then that means I lose limbs all the time."
"Wait, really?" I giggled. "You can feel through them too? Can you hear and see through them too?"
"Oh, no, not at all." Hawks shook his head. "I wish, though. That'd be pretty cool."
"It would be." I smiled at him, until I got an idea and grabbed the loose feather from his hands, running my fingers along it before shaking it in the air. He shuddered, grabbing it back from me, cheeks pink. "Ah, nope. Nope. That feels so weird."
I looked at him, confused.
"Are your wings hypersensitive or something?"
The pink to his cheeks darkened to a red.
"Shush."
My eyebrows raised, and I shrugged, keeping that teasing smile on my face.
"Good to know."
"No, not good to know." Hawks groaned. "C'mon, let's go to a conference room or somewhere else quiet." He began to walk, and I took a step forward to follow him, but indescribable pain seized up my body and I was on the ground in a second. He spun around on his heel, chocolate eyes wide and concerned. "Fuck. I figured we'd go there before the pain gets too bad so you'd be on a couch. Not on the ground."
I gasped, my fingers ripping along the carpet of the hall. Front members all watched as Hawks kneeled beside me, his hand on my back. He was speaking to me, but I couldn't hear him. Each one of my bones felt like they were breaking, horrible aching pains radiating through me. I bit back a scream, trying to imagine the fact that Tenko's pain was worse than mine right now, but I couldn't ignore how my body began to spasm. Hawks gently picked me up, I didn't see it but I felt myself get pulled up and into a pair of arms, and he carried me into a conference room down the hall. I could hear in everyone's thoughts how confused and worried they were. A few people were wondering where Shigaraki was, but most people were just curious as to what the fuck was wrong with me.
Not only was the pain indescribable, but my body and mind were also clearly having a trauma response from the surgeries and procedures and experiments since the pain was similar. My mind wouldn't stop spinning, wondering if the pain would get as bad as it did before. I felt like I had no control over my limbs or my expressions or even my words as I struggled against Hawks' hold on me, rejecting any touch whatsoever. His gloved hands against my skin felt like the doctor's, and being held against a muscular frame reminded me of Master. He used a couple feathers to shut the door behind him and he finally let me push away from him, scrambling back on the couch to get away, writhing in agony. All I could feel was fear.
So why could I hear laughter in the back of my mind? There's no possible way Tenko could be laughing through that.
Hawks reached out for me and I dodged, shaking my head, and his hand fell. His eyes looked sad as he regarded me, and I continued to writhe in pain until my body exhausted itself and the pain subsided for a little while, allowing me a little bit of sleep.
Dabi
I stepped into the conference room where I heard cries of pain coming from and saw a feather by the door. I shut the door behind me, regarding the scene in front of me.
Y/N was curled up into a ball, eyes wide, and Hawks was sitting beside her on the couch, his hand gently rubbing circles on her back. She lurched away from his touch, mumbling something about gloves repeatedly.
I'd never seen her like this before. Even after stitching her up on multiple occasions, seeing her sorry state after All For One fell to All Might, and walking by her bedroom while she had nightmares, I'd never seen her this terrified and weak looking. I watched Hawks, my palms beginning to buzz with heat, unsure of what he would do. He was watching her, eyes intense.
I knew she trusted him. I could see it on her face when she was near him. She was faking the romance angle to get close to him, but she was fully honest in how she regarded him other than that. Y/N saw Hawks as a friend, as someone to turn to. She wouldn't have wanted to be with him during this pain.
I, on the other hand, did not trust him in the slightest. I think he was fucking with her head while she was vulnerable.
He slowly took his gloves off, placing them on the table nearby, and sat beside her again, carefully touching her back again. Y/N's expression relaxed a little, the gloves clearly triggering her for some reason. I stepped closer, and her E/C eyes shot up to me, still bright somehow despite the pain.
"Hey, Touya." She projected into my head and I couldn't help but smile a little.
"What's all this, Y/N?" I motioned to her crumpled state as she tried to sit up, Hawks helping her up a little. She laughed, even though it ultimately turned into a coughing fit.
"The 'perks' of being number two." Y/N giggled, then glanced at the actual number two, Hawks. "Well, the villain number two." He rolled his eyes with a grin, handing her a bottle of water. I glared at him as he brushed his bare fingers along her hairline, making sure none of her H/C locks were stuck to her face from the sweat building on her skin. She looked at him gratefully, her expression genuine and trusting. I wanted to gag.
Don't be stupid, Y/N. I thought, my mind no longer occupied by her quirk. I couldn't prove that Hawks wasn't lying, but I refused to trust a hero, especially one who works so closely with the trash that Endeavor is. The fact that he hid his real name, Keigo Takami, so protectively, also raised some alarm bells for me. The only other person I know who does that is me.
"Do you need me to take over?" I forced a smile in Hawks' direction. "So you can take a bathroom break or something."
"Yeah, actually. That'd be good." Hawks slowly stood, glancing back at Y/N before nodding at me and exiting the conference room. I sat beside Y/N, where he was sitting, and she immediately shifted, head against my shoulder. Her body was twitching and spasming.
"You're warm." She mumbled, the pain clearly exhausting her. Warmth helps pain sometimes, right? I know her and Toga used to steal hot water bottles to put on their lower abdomens during certain times of the month. I hesitated, before putting my arm around her shaking body and carefully pulling her against me. I do run very warm because of my quirk.
"Does that feel nice?" I asked quietly, a little uncomfortable with the close proximity. I had completely moved on, accepting that I had no chance, and she made it very clear she does not feel that way about me.
"Yeah. Thank you." Y/N said quietly, curling up against my side, fingers curling into my jacket. Her voice was weak when she spoke again. The shaking was getting worse, and tears were welling in her eyes. I couldn't even imagine how badly she was hurting, and I almost burned to death. "I love you like a brother, Touya."
I froze, glancing down at her, but she had shut her eyes.
Fuyumi. She loves me like Fuyumi loved me.
I looked back up at the ceiling, my chest feeling heavy. I didn't respond. I didn't see a reason to. I still loved her, but not like how I did before. I saw her as more of a friend now, or maybe I did see her as more of a sister but refused to admit it. I let myself close my eyes too, and relax, even though I could feel her trembling against me. The door opened again after not too long, and I glared at the hero. He held his hands up.
"I'm just trying to make sure she's safe." Takami snapped. "I'm not going to hurt her." I laughed coldly, shaking my head and carefully removing my arm. Y/N groaned and I motioned for him to take my seat.
"I'll see you soon, Hawks." I spoke quietly, but I knew he heard me. I walked out the door and quietly closed it behind me, exhaling.
If he isn't trustworthy, and he's doing this to her to mess with her head, I'll kill him.
Y/N
The next three and a half months crawled by. I pretty much didn't leave the Villa, only stepping outside with Hawks there to make sure I didn't collapse, and it was starting to get humiliating. You'd think that since I've dealt with the pain at its full capacity before, I'd be able to handle this fraction of it now, but I couldn't. It was debilitating, and I wondered if what Tenko was dealing with was worse than all the shit I went through. It sure felt like it.
I wasn't able to do anything without someone being near me, because if I was left alone and fell, I could get seriously hurt. I fell once in my room and slammed my head against the corner of my bed and ended up with a crazy bad concussion. The agony pretty much erased any ability I had to fall properly or maintain an upwards position. Whenever Himiko was free and I needed to shower, she would sit beside the shower and she just wouldn't look unless I needed help with something. If Himiko wasn't free, Hawks would sit on the toilet with the seat down, completely turned around so even if he turned his head he couldn't see me, since the frosted glass of the shower didn't really conceal much.
I didn't sleep alone in my room. Hawks, Jin, Himiko or Touya would always be there with me at some point, to make sure I was physically okay, but to also make sure I was getting enough sleep. Jin often kept Hawks company, and it made me happy to see them getting along and becoming friends. Jin also had a constant eye on me too though.
Like I said, it was incredibly humiliating. I hated feeling like I needed to be watched and doted on like a child.
You can imagine my joy when I woke up one morning with absolutely no pain. Not a single bit of it. About an hour later, the doctor called me to let me know that Tenko was done with his procedures and would remain in his tank until he was completely ready. He wouldn't answer any of my questions, just told me that the pain wasn't going to return, and I was hung up on. Anxiety knotted in my stomach, but I shook it off, exhaling. Tenko had survived his procedures, and that was what really mattered. Now he was recovering and maintaining his power in that tank, which would be peaceful, as long as he didn't wake up in it.
Hawks watched me, amused, as I stretched my legs and arms, bouncing on my heels.
"I'm glad you're feeling better, Y/N." He shot me a soft smile. "It was hard to see you like that."
I couldn't help myself. I grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, my head against his shoulder. I would love to say that I was still playing the role of being all hot and heavy for him and faking all my emotions, but in reality, that hug was genuine. He had been my primary caretaker for the past three and a half months, and I couldn't be more grateful. He really was my friend.
His arms wrapped around me as well, hand against my hair. He kissed my forehead and didn't let go.
"Thank you, Hawks." I whispered. He just nodded, and we stayed like that for a little while longer. If I could go back in time and smack myself for being so gullible, I would. But at that moment, I was in my friend's arms and I couldn't ask for anything more.