Ixora's heart flipped silently within her chest when she caught sight of Genya by her bedside, spittle trailing down her fair cheek and onto the pillow while her hands stayed firm around hers. She swallowed down the emotions as they came, desperate to be a little more normal - at least until she had spoken to Nikolai - her slight movement drawing Genya into consciousness.
The Tailor smiled sweetly at her, hands straying only slightly from Ixora's. She seemed to be thinking for a moment before she suddenly moved close, snuggling herself into Ixora's neck so she could breathe in all the scent of the woman possible. Ixora welcomed her with open arms, gently enveloping the woman who only wept quietly in response. It hurt to know she had caused her fiery-haired zowa any pain but there was little she could do. Taking down that drug-influenced, overpowered Squaller had taken so much out of her.
"You are alive. I- I'm glad you are alive."
"So am I. There's much to do. And one of them... Do you mind if I..."
Genya blinked at her as Ixora struggled with the words to say. It was tricky, truly, it was. She was unsure of how the woman would feel about being asked for something so intimate and utterly non-platonic so suddenly. The Tailor's cheeks warmed the more Ixora struggled for words until quite suddenly, she closed the gap between them and placed a feathery kiss to her lips.
Ixora's expression melted into a smile, whisking all of Genya's fears away. They shared a comfortable silence for a moment. It pressed upon them, the urge to try it again but Ixora wouldn't let herself. Not until she knew whether it was okay with Nikolai or not. Even now, she felt an urge to get them both together and explain everything but remembering Nikolai's shattered expression that painful night caused her some panic. Genya was watching every slight movement, taking a momentary wince of confusion as rejection and startled both of them when she sharply pulled away from Ixora.
"Gen-"
"I have to go! Umm... Help! With the wounded!!" With that, she disappeared. Ixora brushed her fingers over her lips and slowly stood, wondering how long Genya had waited for her to wake. She couldn't help but wonder how everyone was.
She walked leisurely about the castle, trying to avoid going to see the tsar and the difficult conversation to come. It was mainly silent - perhaps the Fjerdans were gone? They'd certainly been subdued when they were defeated in hardly any time at all. She heard the voices of Zoya and Alina quite clearly arguing, stopping herself outside the door where they stood side by side, a young, dark-skinned woman in a gilded cage behind them both.
"Zoya, she has spent a large portion of her life in captivity. She can hardly speak any Fjerdan, not to speak of our language but that gives you no right to call her that name!"
"Pet is a wonderful name, Alina. You like it, don't you, Pet?" Pet gave a gentle nod, unsure of what to do when Zoya reached a hand into her cage. At first, she seemed terrified of it but quickly realised she was not going to be hurt by the woman who had led her away from the battlefield. Leaning into her hand, a happy little squeak left her lips as she gazed at Zoya with a soft glow in her eyes...
Her eyes remained trained on the woman, keying into her every move and word. Not being able to understand didn't mean she couldn't stare. The stranger was not mean like the big, scary Fjerdan men... And she was rather nice to look at, too.
"Perhaps she's Zemeni? Should we get Ixora to take a look?"
"Not all Zemeni speak the same language, Zoya," she muttered with a clicked tongue. Zoya shrugged in slight apology, Alina huffing beside her.
"Ixora? Tell this woman not to call our new friend by that name."
"Pet likes being called Pet. Let it alone, Alina. It fits you perfectly, you dangerous creature." Zoya smirked and Pet nodded again in response, not sure of anything but the fact that she seemed happy. Ixora tried to speak a bit of her native language to her, giving up rather quickly.
"Well... That went as well as I expected it to. My village has our own dialect... It was quite unlikely and it is possible they held her in captivity for... Well, I would rather not think how long. I remember how relieved she looked when I lulled her to sleep. Like she hadn't had rest or peace in many moons... She might understand gestures instead of words...? But I think Zoya ought to spend more time with her. She's very tuned into you at the moment. It would be good to befriend her."
"Oh... Well... Fine. It's not like I've got anything better to do since our idiot tsar decided to release the prisoners back to Fjerda- oww- I meant our wonderful, beloved tsar of course." Zoya sent a glare Alina's way, the beautiful Squaller's expression actually softening by an inch when she noticed the number of emotions that crossed Ixora's face. She was clearly in turmoil. Zoya was relieved she didn't understand what it meant to be in love - she only wanted to keep an eye on their new prisoner.
Who was keeping an eye on her right back, it seemed, eyes glowing. She had the adoring energy of a wolf pup. Strangely, it endeared the Squaller who casually leaned close to the cage of a stranger who almost murdered the lot of them and tried to teach her how to pronounce the words "Mistress Zoya".
"Where is he, Alina?"
"Last I checked... His chambers."
Ixora gave both a slight nod, waved gently to the prisoner who attempted to copy the movement of her hand and fingers with little success - although Zoya's laugh felt reward enough for Pet - and went on her way. However, Nikolai's room was empty.
It took a single glance out of the window to find out why. The Fjerdans were leaving; Ravkans from within the castle and beyond gathered and eager yet suspicious of their departure.
Nikolai stood beside the Commander, staring down at the pit they both could have lost their lives in. He would get it filled as soon as possible. Perhaps put a fountain above it or a training range - something new to make away with the old. The wind caused ripples in Brum's coat, making him look even more the grand and frightful beast he was. The tsar was glad to be rid of him.
"You asked to speak to me, Commander but now that the war has been brought to a halt and peace talks may begin, I would like some time away from you. Let's make this quick so we can all go home and get some rest, alright?"
"Alright then. I'm rather eager to leave this wretched land myself. I wanted to inform you that I saw it beyond the smoke and fog. The darkness. You have the Dark One's power in you." Nikolai froze up a moment, then relinquished defeat, crossing his arms over his chest. If he was lucky, the man wouldn't tell another soul. If he wasn't, Brum would tell the world Nikolai had used it to cheat and win - what a messy end to things. Before he began to consider the many ways Brum could try to attack him right then and there, he decided he would try at the very least to explain himself.
Perhaps the bloodthirsty warhead would listen?
"I did not use any power whatsoever on you so you cannot put this against me. I fought you as myself. You would have died in a moment had I not, by its hand. I neither draw power from it - it's rather the opposite way around - nor did I purposefully have it attached to my skin in the first place. I am sure your spies in Ravka must know how this power was impossible for even him to puppet at will, that much less I - as mortal as you are."
I know, Lantsov. Yet, here you are. Here we both are. What I do not understand... It should have killed me. I nearly killed you so that should have been trigger enough. Why was I not cut in half? You could have simply told your people your blade had done it. I keep trying to wrap my head around the reason you spared me..."
"And risk sparking another war?"
"This is precisely what confuses me. You did control the beast. You forced it back to save my life... But how? I am genuinely curious, you know. Not foolish enough to tempt the fates and want such a dangerous beast capable of defying even the Darkling for myself but... "
"My answer is simple. Love is the greatest force in the world." He looked to the crowd, wondering if Ixora was among them. There were too many faces to tell... He would find her, though. As soon as it was possible. He couldn't wait to feel her skin, again. Perhaps then he would finally feel certain he had survived.
"I think you mean fear, tsar."
"It isn't fear that keeps you people in your murderous rages. It is a desire to protect. Even if what you are protecting yourself from are people who are just as scared and vulnerable as you are. Like the Grisha or like me during that idiotic fight. Even with that unimaginable power on my side, I was certain that would be my end."
"And instead, neither of us were slain... It is not what I deserve, you know. It was your victory and a deal was struck prior demanding blood. Because of you, I must go home and hide the details of our little tiff or risk my damn reputation, tsar."
"Yes, well... It is as it is. And here we are still, both shockingly alive. I do not ask you to owe me anything. You are free to hate me and all I stand for for the rest of our lives. I ask only that you honour your wish. An end to the Grisha hunt. Do as you will within your borders... Ravka is too busy rebuilding to stop you as of yet. But this war? This fight between us is over."
"...it is. A deal is a deal. You could have asked for money. Or power. Every other member of your family certainly would have."
"Well... Perhaps I've learnt more from the friends I've made along the way. They're my family, now."
"Yes. Perhaps. You are naive, young king but... There is hope for you, yet."
"A compliment, o violent one? Perhaps our descendants will look back on the mistreatment the world has put fellow humans through and be amazed that their ancestors were ever so cruel. Perhaps they will marry each other and train together and find joy in being alive side by side."
Brum's laughter brought his daydream of the future to a staggered pause.
"You are truly insane, Nikolai Lantsov," spoke the great man with a painfully deft pat to his recuperating shoulder. He forced a smile in reply.
"There is no way else I would rather be."
The Fjerdans left, followed closely by some of the army in case they changed their minds about honouring their end of the deal. Djel was too important to be rebelled against, however. Nikolai had a feeling this was the start of a time of peace and that meant he could finally take up courting his butterfly without distractions. He decided on a detour into the garden to clear his head before he saw her. Frankly, he wasn't sure where to begin.
His heart thumped painfully against his ribcage the moment he sighted her - the top of her hair visible as she shuddered lightly to herself. His body moved on its own accord and he soon found himself beside her, despite not knowing what to say. Maybe he needed to do as he always did and have no certain plan in place. His words would be more authentic that way. She deserved his genuine thought, not carefully curated speeches.
She keyed into his heartbeat even as he had approached but it was much too late to hide the evidence of her breakdown. She let him come as close as he needed, shutting her eyes as his coat brushed against her arm. She wanted to hug him but felt frozen in place, overwhelmed by all the things she needed to say.
"Have they begun the process? That darkness inside of you must be removed as quickly as possible."
"They have. Alina nearly killed me all over again when she saw what I'd been dealing with... I tried to explain like I had with you but she's utterly immune to my charms and logic, I'm afraid. Thinks me a dunce in fancy linen."
"I should have been there... To make sure it was done well. No one could do it more carefully than I. I have too much to lose within this mortal shell of yours." she touched his chest, then pulled back as if she has been burnt, fidgeting silently by his side. Nikolai carefully took her hands, waiting patiently for her to respond in some way other than the unbearable silence.
"Sometimes... I would pick up a book, not because I wanted to read it but to hide my tears and panic behind."
"Why would being here scare you?"
"It didn't. But coming to the garden was a relief from being forced to pretend around people. A safe space, much like my bedroom in my kingdom. My emotions tended to crash down here. Until you began to join me, this was a spot to hide and to cry. And then it brought me joy, as well. So many lows have been witnessed by the leaves and blades of grass in this space. And highs as well... Many of those because of you."
"I caught you on several occassions, crying here or speaking with fervor to yourself. I'd see you and wonder how a book could move a person so. I'd read those books when you were gone and longing filled my heart, desperate to be close to you, Ixora. But I wouldn't cry. I wondered if I was defective. Or if the emotion I wanted to feel only mattered to me because it was a way to feel close to you. Sometimes I could tell, you know... That you were not doing well. I didn't know why, back then but the only thing I could think of to help was being your friend. Making you laugh... It was why I approached you, first with a ridiculous amount of banter and now... This. Us."
"Ah. His majesty had a heart. What a surprise that was."
"To you and me both. I once thought we'd spend the rest of our lives up in arms against each other."
"How sweet... You wanted forever with me then, too."
"I- I-"
"Ah... Apologies. I know you don't. I was merely jesting, Nikky." He arched a brow at her, about to move close when she stepped back and squeezed her eyes shut. "Genya and I kissed."
"...I see. And who initiated it?"
"She did. But if she hadn't... I likely would have... Saints, I'm a monster of a woman. I should have stopped it, I should have turned myself away, I..." Nikolai took it all in, his expression soft as she gave a muffled groan into her arms. He took her into his chest, ignoring the little pushes she gave against the comforting hold. Eventually, she gave in, allowing her tears to flow as she repeated within her mind that she didn't deserve this, that she was defective, that her emotions must be broken somehow.
"Shh, shh..."
"I am sorry. I am so sorry, Nikolai. So sorry it makes me want to run away. Because the way I feel about you and about her will not change. But no matter how far I go, I am still stuck with myself. Still stuck with this psyche that cannot simply choose and be done with it-"
"You don't have to torture yourself this way, Ixora. Please. Not for anyone, my brave tsarevna."
"Until I returned to this castle, after spending so much of my life mainly in isolation, I had forgotten the pain that comes with being lonesome. The thought of ending up alone did not scare me because my mother raised me on her own and she is the strongest person I have ever known. She loves until she is drained, she loves even when you hate her, she loves like a woman who has never been loved before. And no matter how much of it you try to give her, it never feels enough. She carries herself with such selfless strength... Forever humble in her constant sacrifice... I hoped I would simply takeover her role as I am meant to and drown in it like she does day and night until my end. It never felt right but I saw no other option. And now, here I am... Out of control. Bothering you when all you've ever done is-"
"Love you."
"...Nikky, please don't say anything to me that you aren't sure you mean."
"Why won't you just listen to me, Zora?"
"Because it will hurt. And I cannot bear any more emotion, of late. It is okay if you need some time away from me to process this... To decide how you feel about who I am. Please... Don't be upset. If you wish, I shall try to fight the feelings I have for her and remain with you alone. I can, I promise. I suppose I just wanted you to know honestly that I had them. But I swear to you I will find a way to let it go if that is what you want- though of course, you likely do not want me at all, anymore... Why would you after-"
"Wait... Wait, butterfly." His fingers clasped around her wrist, enough pressure that she felt the warmth seep quite suddenly into her skin like a fuzzy bolt of lightning. "My mother... Never loved my father. But she was queen. And so, she remained happily married to him. The man that she had me with? The rare few moments she has spoken of him at all, it was with a... Gentleness one would never think she was capable of. While she didn't want to leave my father, she was happy with the two, rather than the one. One gave her luxury and one gave her love and that was enough. But after he died in some sudden, unfortunate accident right before I was born, that was the end of it all. He tore the heart right out of her, he did."
"Why tell me this story, now?"
"When I left the castle before my duel with Brum began, I went to see her. My mother. She's done despicable things in the name of keeping my father happy and spoiled my brother throughout his short life of cruel revelry. But she... She was the only family I had left, I hers and she did not know I was nearly certainly to die that day. Perhaps I should have sent a messenger but I went to her personally. I wished to see her a final time, bid her goodbye and be far from the castle for a moment, all at once.
"We cried together. Despite my grievances against her, I let her hug me for the first time since I learnt of the depth to which the cruel apathy of the rich had sunk into her. I told her about you, of course." Nikky glanced her way, his expression shy and Ixora squeezed his hand, urging him with a gesture to carry on. "And she told me of him. Her lover. The one she lost. The one she has been too pained to ever mention. My father. She told me of how wonderful things had been in that time. Of how much kinder she was when he'd been around. And of how my father's violent, narcissistic, riches-fueled jealousy stole away one of the very few things helping her stay afloat in this world. So, my butterfly, know I would never force monogamy on anyone. Male or female."
"Err... Sorry. Just a moment so I can process everything at once- is that your way of telling me you might be capable of liking either gender, too...?"
"Well, I don't know, really... Malyen is rather beautiful in an annoying sort of way but I hardly think-"
"I bet he feels the same about you."
"Stop it, Zora, my goodness. You're as bad as the girls! And so good at flirtatious banter that you can do so on another's behalf, it seems. I am trying to tell you I accept you. All of you... If Genya is who you want, too then go to her. After all she's been through, she certainly deserves the kind of love you're capable of, butterfly. And you deserve as much love as you'd like. Just... Promise me... You will not leave me."
"Oh, Nikky... I don't know what is coming for either of us. But no. Never. I didn't think it would get this far. I didn't think you would say yes. I was prepared to leave if that was what you wished but now... What shall I tell my mother? She will have my head!"
"Whatever happens, I am by your side every step of the way. I'm with you."
"And I am with you."
Later that day, Genya and Nikolai were seated on Ixora's mattress, the trio speaking together honestly about their feelings and searching for a way forward. It wasn't going to be perfect or easy but they both loved her deeply and she only wanted to care for both of them just the same. Meanwhile, as they joked around and cleared the air together, there lay Ixora's most recent letter to her mother to be sent out by the next morning:
Dear Mama,
I know you worry. You always do. And my silence has not helped. I will visit three sunsets from today and tell you all about it for I know of your fear of losing me and love for gossip well. I can tell you there was a coronation gone wrong at first but with some garden banter later, we had a better reunion.
You remember Nikolai, don't you? You used to complain of how reckless I became around him... Although, I will always prefer the use of the term 'liberated'. As you can expect, we made a little game of things at first but I soon found myself sucked into him and this wonderful place again, just as you'd feared. A letter from Fjerda brought a brief period of panic to us all but it's over now, I promise.
I met someone other than Nikolai as well, mama. Someone new and quite different from when Captain Sturmhond makes an appearance, ha! Anyway, feelings blossomed like I wouldn't have expected. For Nikolai. For someone else, too.
And suddenly, to kiss or not to kiss was a constant conflict within my mind when around them, my gorgeous Tsar and stunning Tailor. I was lost in-between the choice of him... Or her. It was a war on my mind, certainly. Genya is her name by the way... Pretty, isn't it?
As it turns out, they both care for me, as I do them. And we have agreed to try and build a relationship together on the foundation of this love and trust. I believed my honesty would cost me everything... How wrong I was.
It's what has given me the courage to share all this to you. These parts of me I always thought I would take to the grave. But here we are. And I am in love with two wonderful people who want me, too. Be happy for me, mama. Because I am. I truly, truly am. I am all light and cheer and peace these days... You wouldn't recognise me. I would like to remain in Ravka and experience life and the world elsewhere for a while. I never did like being seen as a Saint or blessed descendant of. Here, I am just Ixora. Stranger, friend, lover.
I will return home to visit soon... If you wish it. I miss you dearly and gossip is sweeter when properly shared... I hope it will not be a frigid feast. I'm well aware hell hath no fury that could ever compare to yours but please remember me as I have always been. Your child who loves you as much as you do her.
Do not forget the me you have always known from my very first breath, mama. You have not lost her. But you have gained two lovely potential in-laws which I hope excites you! I will bring them to visit as well if and whenever it may please you.
Your favourite flower in the world,
Ixora.
A few extra little parts baby boo author forgot to add in and likely never will heh... Heh:
"When you went out onto that battlefield, half of my heart went with you. You denied me happiness not by keeping your woes to yourself but by taking them with you, then never speaking to me again. For a time, I was scared you were dead, Nikolai."
^her upset he joined the army and distanced himself back then..
"It's always been a large fear of mine. To be spoken of cruelly."
"And?"
"And now that it's happened, I have no space in my mind to care. What matters to me is you. This. Us getting through this."
"You are too kind, Ixora."
"No. I am selfish. Because I need you alive and I would do anything to make sure I get my wish."
"Ah, demanding, are we? How attractive..."
^after the whole stuff.. Shoulda been in this chapter but well... Didn't happen 🙃 half-ff-canon?
"Zora... Remember when you told me to strip in front of you?" He purred, batting his lashes at her. The girls all gaped at them, alternating from his smug expression to her indignant stutters.
"I'd never - I would never-"
"Please don't rule it out... We'll have to find some way to keep ourselves busy once we've dealt with the Fjerdans, after all. It would build my morale, butterfly, please...?"
"Leave. Just... Get out."
"That wasn't a no I heard!"
I'm messy 😘
And now, ladymen and gentles and every wonder of magic that is humanity in-between; another message nobody asked for from the writer: hi stranger! Well... So... It's done now? Sorry if it was a bit long and ran on at times... I wanted to try(?) to tie up loose ends? Little things I felt needed addressing. I honestly feel I probably missed something to add cos I ALWAYS do.. However. I think I'm satisfied with it as is. The letter is something I keep editing but gosh I need to stop myself soon. I hope you liked this... My Shadow and Bone fixation is sort of over now but I have a bit of interest in writing a book about Pet and Zoya XD idk just seems like it would be fun..
K baibai~