hyunjin returned to his room after driving hari home. he sat on his bed, the warmth left over from them kissing remained under the blanket.
he didn't even know why he kissed her. he was never so impulsive like that. and this only complicated his feelings about felix more.
did he want felix to himself? but if that was also how felix felt about him, he just denied him of that by kissing hari. was he allowed to want felix just to himself and also allow himself to have someone else?
it wasn't like it was his fault. something about hari was just so suddenly captivating. hyunjin honestly kind of regretted how he treated and avoided her before. if he knew he would end up liking her anyways, he never would've lied to her about felix. it was doing so much more harm than good to everyone involved.
that, too, bothered him. how was he gonna keep up with his lie? felix was the closest person in his life. and now he has to act like he hates him.
hyunjin absentmindedly reached to the base of his finger to fiddle with his ring as he always did, until he noticed it wasn't on his finger. he had totally forgotten that he took them off. he looked in his pocket, but they weren't there. panic set in, and he started looking all over the apartment. in the kitchen, in his bathroom, on his desks, and in the nightstand. he even dug through the trash in his state of desperation. he laid back onto the floor and sighed. he had to shut his eyes tightly and clench his fists to hold back his frustrated screams. how could he have lost the rings again? he sulked back to his room and buried himself in his blankets.
hyunjin blamed himself completely. there was no reason for him to have taken the rings off.
he went to bed with the hope that maybe he just forgot to take them home, and that the rings were still safely hidden in his locker at work.
~
after just a few days of completely losing contact, felix seriously rethunk his decision of waiting for hyunjin to talk to him first. anger slowly dissolved into an empty sadness. he cursed himself for jinxing their relationship. he knew that him and hyunjin's relationship was special, and because of his fear of losing him, felix denied his feelings for so long. how was it that when he finally admitted to himself that he was in love with hyunjin, he also finally lost him.
he should just text him. maybe hyunjin was just too scared to reach out first because he thought felix was mad at him.
"hey hyun" - felix
"oh felix im so glad you texted me" - hyunnie🥟
"i thought you hated me for a second" - hyunnie🥟
"i was too scared to text you" - hyunnie🥟
felix felt reassured. he still knew hyunjin's habits and way of thinking, and he knew him and hyunjin's relationship remained intact.
"yea me too :c" - felix
"i was going to wait for you to text me first" - felix
"but i got impatient" - felix
"i'm sorry" - hyunnie🥟
"it's okay" - felix
"i'm still sorry" - hyunnie🥟
"i shouldn't have blown up on you like that" - hyunnie🥟
"i was just really upset because of minho and i took it out on you which isn't fair of me to do" - hyunnie🥟
"i know hyunnie it's okay" - felix
"what's not okay is putting soap in my tea😒" - felix
"??" - hyunnie🥟
"what? soap?" - hyunnie🥟
"why would i put soap in your tea lixie" - hyunnie🥟
"you don't have to lie it's okay" - felix
"it was kind of petty but it's okay i'm not mad anymore" - felix
"felix im serious i did not put soap in your drink that makes no sense" - hyunnie🥟
what? who else would've put soap in felix's tea?
"oh my god." - felix
"kang hari." - felix
it all made sense now. seungmin was talking about how close the two were being. when hyunjin recognized felix's order, she probably got jealous or something and tried to kill him with soap poisoning! okay, maybe not kill, but the fact remains.
"no way. she wouldnt do that" - hyunnie🥟
"who else could've done it then" - felix
felix was not enjoying how hyunjin was taking to her defense.
"maybe we just didnt fully wash the kettle and there was still soap or something" - hyunnie🥟
"why would she even do something like that?" - hyunnie🥟
'because she wants to get rid of me so she can have you'
"i dunno" - felix
"we both know she doesn't like me" - felix
"yea but putting soap into someone's drink is a little excessive no?" - hyunnie🥟
"she wouldn't do that" - hyunnie🥟
how would he know that?
"whatever" - felix
"can i come over tomorrow?" - hyunnie🥟
"i need to talk to you" - hyunnie🥟
"you don't work tomorrow right?" - hyunnie🥟
"no" - felix
"okay i'll be over around one or something" - hyunnie🥟
"i'll bring food" - hyunnie🥟
felix didn't know if he felt better or worse.
on one hand, him and hyunjin did make up. but on the other, it really bothered him how close hyunjin and hari seemed.
~
felix woke up to his phone buzzing in his hand and someone knocking on his door in short rhythms of two. he looked to his phone through squinted eyes. "hyunnie🥟" was at the top of his phone. he opened his phone to check the time.
7:38?!
why the hell did hyunjin show up this early?
"hello?" felix's very groggy, and very deep, voice broke the ambience of the morning.
"i'm here, bokkie~" felix shoved his face back into his pillow, still holding the phone next to his head.
"whyyyy?" hyunjin made a suprised snort on the other side of the phone.
"i told you i was coming over," hyunjin hung up and could now be heard yelling from the door instead of on the phone. "now let me in!"
felix begrudgingly got up and took his time getting to the door. he unlocked and opened it, staring up at hyunjin with a dead look.
"it is so early." hyunjin bit his lips to prevent his laughter from escaping. felix had a deadly look on his puffy morning face. his tousled hair and his pajamas not sitting properly on his body contrasted so deeply with his morning voice and terrifying expression.
"i know, i have plans later, so i had to come early." hyunjin looked down to avoid felix's hilariously scary glare only to be met with something much worse.
felix was wearing miffy slippers.
hyunjin couldn't hold back at this point and almost buckled over in laughter.
"heyyyy, what's so funny," hyunjin was practically wheezing on the floor. "do you think i wanted you to see me like this?"
"is this seriously what you wear when i'm not around?" hyunjin wiped tears from his eyes. this couldn't be real.
"leave me alonee!" felix whined and stomped away in his little miffy slippers.
once felix returned from his room in a white tee shirt and a pair of sweats, ditching his slippers for socks as well, the two settled down. hyunjin had brought breakfast pastries from a nearby bakery to fulfill his promise of bringing food.
"what did you need to talk to me about?" hyunjin choked on his bread. he was in fact the one who wanted to come over to talk.
"right," he lowered the bread and dryly swallowed the remainder of what was in his mouth. "so you remember how i told hari we were dating?" felix nodded vigorously.
"yeah, how could i not?" hyunjin bit his lip nervously.
"i told her we broke up." now it was felix's turn to choke. hyunjin offered him a glass of water which was quickly downed.
"oh!" felix said, still coughing and rubbing his chest. "okay.. does that mean we have to.. act like.. you know.. broken up people?" hyunjin looked down, not wanting to make eye contact with the younger.
"like we hate each other? mm.. maybe.." felix nodded slowly. he was wringing his hands tightly, his knuckles turning white and fingers starting to hurt.
"okay.. well why did you tell her that?" hyunjin seemed to hold his breath for a second before inhaling sharply and blurting out the entire story.
"okay, well, when you got mad at me, i was upset and felt really bad, so when she texted me, i was glad that there was at least someone talking to me. then we actually had some stuff in common which made me start to actually like her a little, so when she brought you up, i said that we broke up. we talked at work and everything felt kinda different, and i think i seriously like her now."
wow.
felix looked at hyunjin with wide eyes, meanwhile hyunjin couldn't even look up to face him.
"oh, uhm," felix cleared his throat. he felt like throwing up. his hands were tightly entwined in his lap similarly to how twisted his stomach felt. "that's great that you like her," no, it wasn't. "but i don't think i can act like i hate you.." hyunjin nodded. he understood it was strange and a lot to ask. "maybe you should just come clean to her about everything. i'm sure she'd understand.." hyunjin had considered it, but he didn't like the idea.
he'd rather keep lying than be honest about being a liar.
"i dunno.. i don't really want to admit to her that i was lying." felix finally let go of his own hands and reached for hyunjin's.
"hari is very sweet, right? i can't imagine that she would be unreasonable or upset.." felix's voice trailed off when felt how bare hyunjin's finger was. he looked down and the reassuring smile on his face faded. he looked up at hyunjin who met him with a confused look.
"what is it?" 'what is it?' is he kidding or what? there's no way he didn't notice. felix didn't even respond. he just looked down to hyunjin's empty ring finger and back up. he held his own hand up and pointed to his rings. hyunjin's face grew into realization. "ohh.." oh? oh? that's it? just 'oh'?
"did you lose them again?" felix tried to keep his calm. hyunjin had lost them before, and he was the one who had to keep hyunjin from losing his mind over it. truly, it wasn't that big of a deal. but right now, it hurt.
"i took them off because hari wasn't convinced of our break up," felix dropped his hands and scoffed. he took them off.
no, he took them off for hari.
"so what? you threw them away just to keep up with your stupid lies?" felix didn't care to comfort him anymore.
"no! i didn't throw them away, felix." hyunjin furrowed his brows and his face turned into an expression of hurt at the accusation. "why would you even ask that?"
"so where are they? did you misplace them after taking them off? because honestly, hyunjin, i don't think that's much better." felix spat venom in his words.
"i had them, i swear to god, i thought i just left them in my locker. i didn't even realize they were gone before-"
"you didn't even realize they were gone?" felix couldn't help but laugh. ridiculous.
"felix, you know that's not what i meant."
"so what did you mean then?" hyunjin was at a loss for words.
"lix, what do you want me to say? i don't know what to tell you okay?"
"how about a sorry? sorry, felix, i lost our couple rings that i pretended to cherish so deeply. i'm sorry that-"
"i did not pretend to cherish them." hyunjin took on a harsh and serious tone. he couldn't take it anymore.
"oh really? i almost couldn't tell there for a second! you had me fooled! i wonder if this is how hari will feel when she finds out you lied about everything just to avoid her." hyunjin was taken aback.
"why are you acting like this?" hyunjin's voice sounded exasperated, but felix just crossed his arms defiantly.
"like what?"
"like a bitch." hyunjin stared bitterly at felix. felix's face twisted with disgust. he couldn't even recognize the boy in front of him. he stood up and grabbed hyunjin's arm, pulling him up and towards the door.
"get out." hyunjin stumbled as felix shoved him towards the door.
"w-what? felix, i-"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, HYUNJIN!" felix screamed at him. when hyunjin still didn't move, felix pushed past him and forcibly opened the door. he grabbed the taller boy and practically threw him out.
"wait, felix, i'm sorry. i didn't mean that. just let me try to explain better. i can tell hari about everything and-" felix walked closer to hyunjin. although he was apologizing and trying to get back in, hyunjin backed up when felix approached him.
"you don't have to tell her anything. everything you said is perfectly fine. at least now, i don't have to act like i hate you." felix returned to his apartment and slammed the door loudly. he didn't even turn back to give hyunjin a last look before shutting him out from his apartment. hyunjin stood staring at the door.
what the fuck just happened?
~
over the course of the next week, the boys had completely stopped talking. no texts, no calls, no museum trips, absolutely nothing.
hyunjin had debated trying to talk to felix again a few times but ultimately couldn't get over his anxiety or swallow his pride while he was at it.
felix's anger had been fading into depression, but while recovering from his rage and new distain, he didn't want to talk to hyunjin either. he had already been the one to talk first the
last time. if hyunjin really wanted to see him, he could be the one to reach out.
instead of hyunjin, felix decided to text changbin to come over. he wasn't really specific with the details, but it was clear to changbin it was pretty serious. changbin arrived promptly and almost immediately took felix into his arms when he saw how puffy faced felix was. he had obviously been crying. felix started sobbing in the comfort, and he consoled felix through his tears.
"what happened?" changbin finally asked once felix's cries had subsided. felix pulled away from changbin and leaned against the backboard of his bed frame.
"me and hyunjin.." a frown snuck back onto his face as his tears threatened to come back. changbin pulled him back into a hug and patted his hair.
"shh, it's okay," changbin rocked him slowly like a baby. "take your time. i'll be here all night if you need me to be." felix sniffed back tears. aside of powering through work, he'd been crying practically all week since him and hyunjin fought.
"i said that- well he lost our-" his sentence was cut off as he choked out another sob. "we had a really big fight and i think we hate each other now!" felix struggled to get his words out between sobs. even just the memory of the fight stung him like a slap on the face.
"heyy, it's okay.." changbin kept shushing him and rocking him gently. "why don't you just calm down first and then you can tell me what happened later, okay?" he let go of felix and let him sit in the corner of his bed against the frame and the wall. changbin left the room and came back with a glass of water and some snacks.
"why'd you bring my turtle chips in here?" felix pouted while taking sips from the water, trying to slow his breathing and take full breaths.
"i like to snack when i'm sad," felix narrowed his eyes at changbin. "what? i thought maybe it would help!" when felix continued glaring, he shrugged and opened the bag for himself. "fine, i'll eat them." the younger just rolled his eyes and continued drinking from the glass. his throat felt raw from the days of crying he had endured.
"me and hyunjin had a fight." changbin nodded slowly. this wasn't new information, but he wanted to encourage felix to keep talking. "he had already been acting like an asshole, but i texted him about it and he apologized." changbin popped another chip in his mouth, crunching loudly while humming to tell felix to keep going. "he wanted to come over the next day, so i said sure. he shows up and everything's fine. then he tells me that he told hari that we broke up-"
"WOAH!" felix glared daggers at changbin's interjection. "ahem. sorry. it's just, who's hari and when did you and hyunjin date?" felix sighed in exasperation. he forgot that barely anyone knew about the situation. after catching changbin up to speed, felix continued his story.
"so he told her that we broke up because he suddenly liked her soo much or something.." felix was oblivious to his tone, but changbin could easily sense the heavy jealousy in his voice. "and then i asked him if we had to stop acting like we were close, and i told him he should just tell her about the whole thing because how the hell were we going to just stop being friends around her? like he's literally such a big part of my life, and i know i'm a big part of his, too, so realistically it wouldn't even make sense or work, right?" when the boy suddenly turned to look at him for agreement, changbin jumped and nodded quickly. the look in his eyes and the sharpness of his words shocked changbin.
felix had gone from inconsolable sadness to rage.
"and then, i found out he lost our couple rings! can you believe that? the couple rings that he bought for us! he bought them, he lost them, he hated himself for losing them, he bought new ones, and then he lost them again!" changbin didn't quite understand why it mattered so much, but under felix's scrutiny, he acted like he did. "and then he told me that not only did he lose them, he actually willingly took them off himself and couldn't find them! he didn't even realize they were gone!" changbin's expression of worry only deepened when felix laughed.
"so now you hate him?" changbin finally dared to speak up when felix's incredulous laughs turned into silence and an expression of hurt.
"well i'm sure he hates me, too, so what does it matter?" felix refused to look at changbin. "i told him to get out. i pushed him out my apartment and basically told him i hated him." felix wiped away a tear as it fell down his cheek.
"it matters because.." changbin hesitated. he didn't know what words to use to explain what he was trying to say. "it matters because even if he hates you, if you still love him, you can't just shut him out."
felix froze.
"i don't love him." felix finally met changbin's eyes. "i'm not in love with him."
"i never said you were in love, felix." felix's glare faltered. "but i think you just admitted it to the both of us."
~
while felix had been crying almost nonstop, hyunjin had been smiling a lot. not to say hyunjin wasn't upset about their fall out, he was just preoccupied.
kang hari had quickly burrowed her way into his heart.
hyunjin had cancelled plans with her the day that him and felix had their big fight, but she could tell he was upset about something, so she came over with ice cream and comforted him. after this, hari spending time at hyunjin's became a pretty regular occurrence. she often came over after work, and sometimes on random days they both weren't working. hyunjin didn't mind it. he liked her company, and kkhami seemed to as well.
today, they planned to go on a picnic. hyunjin had suggested it, and hari excitedly agreed. a nice sunny day, sharing foods and sweets, and hari even asked him if he could bring things for painting, so they could paint together. it seemed like the perfect date. which was why hyunjin decided it would be the best time to ask her to be his girlfriend.
hyunjin and hari happily painted together in the park, occasionally stopping briefly to eat some of the food they had prepared or look at the other's progress.
"do you like roses, hyunjin?"
the question struck him. he realized just how little him and hari had known each other.
she didn't know if he liked roses.
while felix had it down to the type of roses he liked.
he shook off the feeling. this wasn't about felix.
"yes, they're my favorite flower." hari smiled.
"quite the romantic." hyunjin laughed, and hari took the opportunity to leave a soft kiss on his lips. hyunjin leaned into it, but hari pulled back with a smile.
"finish painting your pretty rose." she whispered before returning her attention to her own painting.
"i'll finish it later, i have something more important to do," he started rummaging through his bag in which he had brought the art supplies. hari still hadn't looked away from her canvas.
"what could possibly be more important?" she finally looked to hyunjin only to see him now holding a bouquet of tulips. "aww," hari melted into a warm smile. "what's this for?" hyunjin set the flowers into her lap and took her hands into his.
"hari," hari smiled but was still confused. "will you be my girlfriend?" hyunjin smiled wildly after finally asking. the weight of anxiety finally lifting off of him once he asked. hari returned his uncontrollable smile with one of her own and nodded her head excitedly.
"yes!" hyunjin released her hands to hug her and practically pull her onto his lap. "hyunjin!" she squirmed and giggled in his hold while he kissed her face all over. "jinnie, we're still in public!"
the whole ordeal was sickeningly sweet.
once they got home, the two decided to sit around and watch a few episodes of a drama and the newest episode of an anime they had started.
"do you want to.." bit his lip in hesitation. he didn't want hari to get the wrong idea, or feel pressured. "maybe stay over tonight?" hyunjin rushed the second half of his sentence out. hari simply smiled at him giddily.
"i'd love to actually."
however, there was obviously only one bed in hyunjin's house.
"i can sleep on the floor," when he saw hari still didn't look convinced, he changed his offer. "if you still think that's too much, i can sleep outside of the room on the couch!"
"oh, wait, nonononono!" hari was sitting on the bed, but stood up now. "it's just i don't want you to not sleep in your own bed.. this is your house and your bed, so you should be the one to sleep in it.. i can sleep on the couch instead-"
"no! that's so rude to ask you to stay over and make you sleep out on the couch!" hyunjin and hari both looked at each other, neither wanting to be the one to say it.
"i mean.." hari finally decided to be to one to speak up. "we could just.. ahem." she cleared her throat. she really didn't want to be the one to suggest it, but she knew if she didn't, they would be standing here rocking on their feet for the rest of the night. "we could both sleep on the bed.." she spoke the last part very quietly, but that was all hyunjin needed.
hari let out a quick yelp as he quickly lifted her up and laid her down on the inner side of the bed. he kissed her on the nose before turning around to turn on a dim lamp next to the record player and turning off the main light of the room. right as he began to get into bed beside her, he stopped.
"do you need music to sleep?" hari shook her head.
"actually it's kinda hard for me to sleep unless it's really quiet."
"oh," hyunjin couldn't sleep without music. instead of returning to the record player like he desperately wanted to, he crawled into bed next to hari.
hari hugged him once he got into the bed next to her. he was cautious of making her feel uncomfortable, but once she hugged him first, he completely gave into his urgent need to cuddle her. he hummed softly. even when he couldn't listen to music, his mind could only think of the soft melodies that usually accompanied him to bed.
"what song is that?" hari asked sleepily. he could tell she was tired.
"places we won't walk, by bruno major."
"i like it.. let's listen to it tomorrow.." her voice trailed off, and hyunjin knew she meant for him to be quiet.
"alright, sorry." hyunjin felt distant from her again. pushing down the regret he started to feel about asking her to stay.
felix loved listening to music with him before bed.
but she's not felix.
~
hyunjin looked down at felix. his freckles shined under the wet tears running down his face.
"it's okay, lixie.." he held him close. felix's tears stifled for a second. hyunjin let out a single breath while staring into felix's teary eyes. after a moment of hesitation, both of them moved to meet in the middle. a sweet touch of their lips lasted barely longer than a second.
"hyunjin."
but when he opened his eyes again, no longer was the blond boy in front of him.
"good morning, sleepy," a voice laughed as his eyes readjusted to the morning light. "sorry to wake you, but we have work soon." hari placed a kiss on his nose and sat by his legs on the bed.
"hmm," hyunjin hummed as he stretched. "what time is it now?" hyunjin looked to hari.
this was real. not the dream.
"5:10," she patted his hair. "i made some eggs to eat before work. get ready and come eat." she left a kiss on his cheek before getting up and closing the bedroom door behind her.
5:10 is already later than hyunjin usually got up for morning shifts, but hari wouldn't have known that.
after a quick cold shower, he got dressed in a simple black shirt and washed out jeans. walking out into the kitchen, his mouth started watering slightly from the smell of eggs. looking eagerly onto his plate, he was disappointed by the sight of a messily scrambled egg.
scrambled was one of his least favorite ways to prepare eggs. his egg of choice was over easy; something that felix had made for him one morning and something he had immediately fallen in love with.
but hari wouldn't have known that.
he politely accepted the eggs. he ate them quite slowly.
"thank you, hari." he stood up with his plate, leaving a kiss on her forehead as he walked past her to the sink.
"oh shoot, we're gonna be late for work, jinnie."
"i'm sure minho will understand." hari just shook her head.
"i'm sure he won't. i don't think he likes that we're dating.." hari pouted, and hyunjin just kissed her again.
"well i do," hyunjin hugged her, putting her head to rest on his shoulder. "that's what matters, right?" hari hummed in response and released his arms from around her waist.
"let's goo," hari tried to drag him towards the door, but he easily resisted.
"hold onn, let me get my bag at least!"
~
"minho! we're here!" hyunjin shouted once they entered the employee room. hyunjin and minho had been speaking on a need to basis ever since their last altercation. hyunjin avoided him other than that, and minho didn't care to speak to him either.
minho eyed them when they came in together. the couple noticed, but tried to pretend like they didn't.
"i already took care of preparing everything," minho spoke bluntly, no longer caring to look at the couple. "just put your things away. we're already ready for open." minho walked out into the front, leaving hari and hyunjin staring awkwardly at the curtain which he exited through.
"i told you he didn't like us dating.." hari whispered. sure, minho was in the front of the cafe, but the curtain wasn't soundproof.
"it's okay," hyunjin left a quick kiss on hari's head before going to his locker to put up his things. "he ignores us most the time, anyways." after putting on his apron, hyunjin walked over to hari's locker. he leaned against the locker next to hers.
"you look like the main lead in a sappy western high school romance," hari put her apron over her head, but hyunjin went behind her and started tying it for her.
"how about the main lead in a sappy cafe love story?" hyunjin whispered into her ear. hari threw her head back to look at him.
"you fit the role perfectly." she smiled up at him. they leisured in the back, making stupid conversation until they heard the bell ring.
"welcome to mosii cafe!" minho's voice rang out, finally pulling the two back to the reality of work.
~
time flies. days turn into weeks, weeks into almost three months.
hyunjin finally started adjusting to the life he was having with hari instead of felix.
hyunjin hasn't run into felix at all. not once. and he doesn't try to either. it's as if the two boys never had a relation to one another at all. hyunjin didn't think of him as much anymore, and when he did, he pushed the thought out of his mind immediately.
hyunjin had ben fighting to move on.
he hoped felix was finally staying in his mere memories.
he had only thought that he was in love with felix. he thought, and he was wrong.
he had to be.
because what he felt with hari and with felix were two different feelings completely.
and he loved hari.
right?
"jinnie!" hyunjin's thoughts were interrupted by hari coming out of hyunjin's room.
"yes?" hyunjin looked up from his book, although he hadn't been doing any more than staring at the words on the paper, not reading.
"my parents need me to come help them with something at the shop," hari didn't talk about her parents very often. hyunjin knew she lived with them, and that they owned a shop of some kind, but nothing very specific. hari seemed private about it, but not secretive, and hyunjin didn't want to pry. "i don't think i'll come back tonight, so don't wait for me, okay?" she pressed a smile and gave him a kiss before walking to the door. hyunjin barely got up from the couch in time before she had a foot out the door.
"heyheyhey, slow down. what's going on? is everything okay?" hyunjin held hari by her shoulders, trying to look her in the eyes. hari avoided his gaze, and just looked down.
"it's nothing i just.." hari paused, biting her lip. "it's family stuff, and i love you, but i just don't know if i should tell you about it."
'i love you'
hyunjin pulled her closer and hugged her tightly, resting his chin on her head.
"i love you." hyunjin said it simply. hari kissed him once more and left.
~
hari told hyunjin not to wait for her, but after what she confessed earlier, he did anyways. if she didn't come home, then maybe she would call, or text, or anything, and hyunjin needed to be there for her when she did.
his worry only grew when he heard the rain. he could tell it was pouring.
after long hours of waiting and fighting not to fall asleep, a knock finally came at the door. the tiredness and drowsiness left him immediately as he darted up to open the door. hari needed him, and he would be there for her. because he loved her.
"hari, i know you told me not to wait for you to come home, but-" but at the door was not hari. "felix?"
hyunjin was not greeted by hari, but rather by felix. his hair was drenched and sticking to his face and neck. the area around his brown eyes were red and puffy. hyunjin could've sworn the streaks on his face weren't from the rain.
"can i come in?" felix voice was low and raw. even if they hadn't spoken in months, hyunjin didn't forget how that was a tell tale sign that felix had cried. hard.
"oh, uh yeah. yeah, come in." hyunjin cleared his throat and stepped aside to let him in. after months of not seeing him or even talking to him, being around felix felt tense but somehow still familiar.
felix sat down on the couch with hyunjin following him and sitting on the opposite side.
as far away as possible.
"felix-"
"hyunjin, i know i probably shouldn't have come, and i know i'm also probably not wanted here anyways, but i just needed to say everything." hyunjin choked down the words he was getting ready to say.
"okay."
"when we fought, i admit i overreacted. even then, you were not in the right either." hyunjin nodded. he couldn't seem to look felix in the eye. "you know how much those rings meant to me. they meant so much to us. so when you said all that stuff about taking them off, i just," felix cleared his throat and quickly wiped his hand against his cheek. "i just felt like you didn't care about us anymore. and that on top of you telling me that you liked hari, i felt like i was losing you. i mean, you wrapped me up in your lies to avoid her. i bent over backwards to help you, and then you just changed your mind and threw me under the bus when it didn't serve you anymore." now it was hyunjin's turn to wipe a tear. "i went along with it for you! and then you dropped me like nothing. you didn't even try to talk to me after! i was waiting for you for three months! three months, hyunjin. and i didn't hear anything from you."
"felix, please-"
"let me talk. i cried for weeks. and once i was feeling like maybe things would be okay without you," hyunjin finally dared to look up from his lap. felic looked him dead in the eyes, tears now fully coming down his face again. "i saw you and hari in the park." hyunjin stomach dropped.
the day that hyunjin asked hari to be his girlfriend.
"i saw you, and i saw your painting. and it was annoying but i didn't care." hyunjin didn't flinch, but it hurt when felix said he didn't care. "until i finally got a call from the museum to pick this up." felix opened his bag and pulled out something like a frame wrapped in brown paper. he handed it to hyunjin, who accepted with a very confused look.
"what is this?" the museum? what did the museum have to do with this? felix didn't answer and just watched as hyunjin carefully unwrapped it.
for a while after he completely unwrapped it, neither of them said anything.
it was so quiet, felix could hear the tear that fell down hyunjin's face hit the glass of the frame.
in his hands was the rose painting the two had seen at the museum the very first day they met hari.
"felix.." hyunjin's voice was below a whisper but still threatening to break. "when did you-"
"i bought it the same day we dyed your hair. i was supposed to get it the same day and give it to you as a surprise, but the artist wanted to keep it in the exhibition until it was over. it ended last week. that's when they called me to pick it up."
hyunjin looked up to felix. his face a mix of pain and disbelief but also love and admiration. felix couldn't tell if the emotions were directed towards him or the painting.
"hyunjin, i still care about you a ridiculous amount. i bought this for you because you loved it so much. because i loved you so much."
"loved?" hyunjin looked up from the painting to meet felix's eyes.
"god, hyunjin. yes, i was in love with you!"
felix shocked himself. he hadn't been planning to confess that. but as much as felix was surprised by his own words, hyunjin was unfazed.
"no, felix." no? felix was confused. did hyunjin just say 'no' to his claim of love?
"hyunjin, i've thought about it more than you think. i loved-"
"loved." hyunjin spoke with a new sharpness. "you loved me. no longer, right?" felix couldn't speak.
no longer, right?
felix wasn't in love with him anymore. how could he be after they hadnt spoken for months?
"i dont know, hyunjin." felix was past what he could take. his cries finally came out in broken noises. "i don't know."
"please, don't ruin this for me," hyunjin clenched his hands around the frame. "please, don't make it harder than it already is." his voice was shaking now too. "i'm trying to get over this. i've been trying, but i can't get over you. everytime i think i'm finally good with hari instead of you, somehow you come back. in a dream, in my fucking apartment! you should've told me earlier, felix."
"would," felix swallowed down the lump in this throat. "would it have made a difference if i did?"
"it's too late for that to matter, isn't it?"
"no, i'm here now," felix spoke back defiantly, "i'm here now and i'm asking you. would it have made a difference if i told you?"
"god, can't you see that's the issue? you are here! why are you here? i wish that you would stay in my memories, but you showed up today just to ruin things. i just want to put you in the past, but you're not letting me!"
"do you think this has been easy for me, hyunjin? you want me in your past? i've been needing you in my present! you were one of the few constants i had in my life! you were the one thing i knew i would have at the end of the night! and suddenly you were gone!"
"you pushed me out!"
"DO YOU THINK I WANTED TO?"
they were silent for a while.
"i don't know if i loved you, felix. but i do know that love hari now." hyunjin finally spoke, and felix's heart hurt in a way he'd never felt so intensely.
"be happy with her, hyunjin," felix stood up from the couch. "paint her more roses." he grabbed the painting from hyunjin's hands, and before hyunjin knew what was happening, the painting was thrown to the ground. glass shattered all over the floor, the wooden frame was broken and splintered, and the precious painting inside was ripped, bent, creased, and completely unsalvageable.
~~
author's note
r u guys screaming yet ? this chapter took so unbelievably long to write and even longer to beta read,, i think i reread and edited this chapter like four times ToT this chapter was so hard to write because the emotions are so hard to properly express and portray,, honestly i still dont think i did my mind justice since i had such big ideas for this chapter ! i hope i wrote it well for u guys ! the response to chapter ten was crazy,, i didn't realize i hurt so many of u guys with what i wrote,, the end is nearing on this story, so i hope in the end u can understand my writing process ! i truly love u all so dearly,, thank u from the bottom of my heart for reading and caring about my story so much ♡
xoxo mosii~