warning(s); selfharm
I've split the original chapter into multiple parts, and I'm going to start making the chapters much shorter.. otherwise this would literally end up 10k words-
also, this is just a reupload, I've just added a few hundred more words to it.
———————
the sharp pains in my body woke me up, as i felt like something impaled my abdomen. i groaned for a moment before opening my eyes. An annoying expression fell on my face as I felt the materials of fabric caress my body uncomfortably.
i carefully sat up, making sure not to be careless with my injuries. although, i do believe i deserve to feel this pain, so perhaps i should let it hurt.
as i let myself wake up completely, i made it over to the bathroom. i found myself staring in the mirror, the bandages covering my body almost entirely. it made me worried, incase the burns were worse than i expected. i decided to check.
carefully, i uncovered the wounds, unwrapping the bandages slowly, as they seemed to be ever so slightly stuck to my body. just how severe were they?!
oh.. that.. i am a fucking pussy. holy shit, do i overreact. why the hell was i making such a big deal out'a it?? i groaned. it's true that my body felt like my entire skin had been ripped down to dermis.. but, the wound looked no deeper than the first layer, it's just, it was over my whole body. well, the pattern wasn't ugly, at least.
my body still wasn't healed completely, so i needed to wrap it back up again. fortunately, i had bandages in the first aid kit i had under the mirror, in the bottom drawer.
though i soon came to realise that i did indeed need to heal it. even a little bit. it was too painful to even move, as whatever material was over it would rub against it and feel like hell..
i had no choice but to use my Quirk. i wasn't gonna let anyone waste their time on me, this was my fault, so i needed to fix it myself.
i breathed in slowly, and out, gaining concentration. to help my focus, i bent slightly to lean on the sink. then, i closed my eyes, attempting to put my mind at ease for the moment.
"..." my breathing was audible, which pissed me off, but i needed not to focus on that. instead, i activated my quirk. fortunately, i was lucky enough to have a general healing Quirk. i needed key focus and attention on it for it to work though. it took a moment, but eventually, i felt my body go all tingly. like pins and needles pricking my skin.
i sighed out, letting my Quirk do what it could. i'd never tried to heal something as bad as this, so i had to focus more than i normally would. i had to stop my mind from racing, which was quite hard.
the tingling against my skin made me want to rip it off, but i had to stay calm and bear with it. as the static began to fade, i looked up. the burn marks were healing ever so slowly. my eyes saw static as they were turning to scars. though, before i could finish the process, my Quirk deactivated.
"ah.. oh well." i said after i tried to use it again. i must have used all of its ability for this.. i wonder when i'd next need it, if it would be working again. my healing Quirk was kind of weird. if i focused enough, then static would slowly cover the injury, and then it would gradually heal it. but i only had limited use before it ran out. if it did, then i wouldn't be able to use it for a certain amount of time depending on how long i used it.
the burns were healed enough, but it felt weird to not have any bandages on it still. so, i took out the ones from the drawer. it took well over 20 minutes to do so, because they were just not cooperating with me, and it was pissing me off.
Soon, my vision began to blur. I didn't notice it at all as I was zoning out, staring directly at myself in the mirror. Suddenly, a vision flashed in my head. a third person view of my laying on the ground, the villain from the other day hovering over me. i was sure to die. Katsuki was, he was covered in blood, slumped against the wall. that was because i was too slow.
its my fucking fault. it was all my fault. Katsuki got injured because of me. he got hurt because of my mistakes.-
knock, knock
"huh-?" i let out, and quickly looked around, not recognising my surroundings for a moment. i saw myself in the mirror, and saw my cheeks stained with a streak of tears. how great.. i must have zoned out.
knock, knock
i jumped, the sudden sound scaring me. i shook my head to stay focused on reality again, and made my way the door. opening it, i saw Iida.
"i thought to check up on you. you hadn't come to class today- how badly were you injured? your covered in bandages!" Iida spoke in a soft voice, then interrupted himself when he saw my body. i sighed, figuring i didn't have the strength to talk about it.
"i-i had a run in with a-a villain yesterday.. uh.. it's a-alright though, it's not that bad." i stuttered with a quiet voice. i then apologized for worrying him, i didn't like to worry people. "are you sure you don't want to go to recovery girl?" he asked, inviting himself inside, and looking at my room with interest before focusing back on me.
'wa- oh, no- it's fine. i-i uh, i already healed myself enough.. i-it just felt too weird to not have the bandages on, uh,, yeah." i waved my hand Infront of me, my body language further showing that i was fine. "it's healed enough already, really, i-it's all good."
"right, well. if you say so." he said, his voice audibly showing his concern was still there. but he didn't try to push me on the matter any longer.
we then spoke for a few more minutes. Mostly Iida updating me on the work that i missed. turns out i missed a surprise test in mathematics. not so much of a surprise for me now though. other than that, it went like every other day would.
eventually, we found our way down the hallway, still talking, but separated as i made my way to the kitchen. i scanned through the fridge, not seeing anything advertising, and moved to the pantry. Again, not finding anything suitable to my taste buds.
"Yo!" A voice came from my left, and I made eye contact with electric yellow eyes for no more than a moment before looking at their other features. My brain soon recognised Kaminari.
"Hello." I said back, not to be rude and ignore him. I then turned back to the pantry, "yeah, I couldn't find anything I wanted earlier either.. hey, how 'bout we go out today? Oh, and how's your injuries? They look pretty bad.." he began bombarding me with questions.
"Uh, they're fine." I said, only processing the last question. "Oh, uh, yeah we can go out..." "F-for groceries." I quickly added on, realising it could have been worded better, but I didn't have the brain capacity to think correctly at the moment.
I lifted my hands up, feeling something heavy and assuming my headphones were there. But alas, nothing, which I then proceeded to remember my headphones were definitely crushed, broken, and sent to the depths of hell, seeing as I never actually took them off yesterday.
"You good?" Bugzapper must've notice my small sulk, though it wasn't too hard to figure out I how I was feeling.
"Yeah.. j-just realising my headphones are destroyed.. c-completely obliterated. hah" i chuckled out of nervous habit.
"Ah, that sucks... I'd totally let you borrow mine, if i had headphones. sorry hehe" Kaminari put his fingers together to imply shyness.. ironically or unironically, i really couldn't tell. i told him that he didn't need to apologise.
"Right, right.. so do you wanna look for new headphones today?" he asked, which peaked my interest. i nodded.
"Sure, I'm down for that. when s-should we get ready?"
"we can go in a few minutes if you'd like! we'll go shopping for the both of us!" Kaminari explained, and then added on after a moment of silence. "oh, but make sure you're taking care of your injuries! wouldn't want an infection, yeah?" his voice sowed clear concern and care, something I haven't heard for a little while.
I nodded, and we both got ready to leave. once we left, we spent the next 30 minutes looking around the grocery store for the food we wanted. we made conversation, and I even learnt a few things about Kaminari, I'm not sure when the conversation was brought on, but Kaminari told me he had ADHD and dyslexia. I shared with him that I had some form of anxiety, but it had never been diagnosed.
I also found some cheap headphones that I tried once I got home. they weren't as good as my old ones, since these weren't as expensive, but they were better than nothing. I just had to hide to my mother the fact that I broke my last headphones.. I'd never hear the end of it.
the rest of the day contained of me mostly keeping in my room. there wasn't really too much of a reason to leave, so I worked on home work or whatever I could in my free time. eventually, night few upon. I skipped dinner, since I already ate food once I came home.. I didn't have the biggest appetite.
11:02 pm
looking at the time, my eyebrows furrowed from the light. and because I didn't remember going to sleep. I looked around slightly, and it wasn't as if I simply passed out, I had a blanket over me and I was positioned like I'd gone to bed as normal.
as I got into a sitting position, I groaned slightly. my body felt worse, specifically my arms. they stung, and my mind immediately raced back to the last time this occurred. I pressed the palms of my hands up against my eyes softly, breathing slower to try and recall what happened before I went to sleep.. I focused in my mind.. but.. nothing..
it hurt to try and remember, and there was no memory.. I sighed, and opened my eyes again, my vision slightly impaired by the colourful swirls for a moment before going back to normal. looking back at the time, apparently 10 minutes had passed.. another tired breath escaped my mouth..
I couldn't tell if I was already used to this, or if I was just.. too tired to deal with it.. I really hoped this wasn't going to become a normal occurrence, but I feared it would.. two times, so close to each other in time, too..
eventually, I looked down to my arms, the bandages were lazily wrapped around.. not like how I left them, so it proves that I was doing it, seemingly in a worse state of mind.. I just didn't remember it.. so, why? why couldn't I remember it? why was I cutting involuntarily? was I unconsciously just cutting, or was I doing more that I was unaware of?
oh, it was all confusing.. I was tired.. I didn't want to deal with it. I tried laying back down, but I accidentally ripped open one of the cuts while roughly getting under the covers, and I could feel blood seeping through, not to mention it hurt enough for a loud grunt to leave my mouth.
god dammit.. fucking... hell..---
I got up finally, realising I'd stain the blanket with blood if I didn't move. and I walked to the bathroom. I could already tell from in the corner of my eye that there was a lot of blood draining the bandage covering it.
untying the bandage, I realised that these cuts were.. much worse than last time.. it made me sick to look at.. there were layers upon layers of split skin. the cuts so deep that my skin wouldn't even close... some were bleeding still, but the rest were fresh, with dry blood pricking it.. ow..
I checked my other arm, and luckily it wasn't nearly as wrecked.. but jeez what the hell did my right arm do to deserve that-
I was about to make my way next door to Bakugou's door, however I had to do a double take at the time, which was now somehow 12 am.. its going strangely fast.. I held my hand up to my head, trying to grasp what has happened in the past hour.. I woke up, and there were new cuts.. I tried to recall anything, but I couldn't find anything in that dumb brain of mine. not even now, as I sit on my bed trying to remember again.
seriously, what the hell?
retying a new bandage took a while, I had to hold a cloth to it for another hour just to make sure it was completely and utterly dry. I can't imagine what I'd do if randomly, blood starts seeping from the bandages on my arms in lines.. oh I would not be able to explain myself..
eventually, the bandage was tightened again.. but then I realised that I hadn't had a shower.. so I'd have to take it off again.. Jesus Christ, nothing is going well today, is it..
after a long battle of finding motivation, I got in the shower, completely forgetting just how badly hot water and fresh cuts go together.. oh wow.
the hot water irritated my cuts badly, and the pressure of the water has just reopening all the work I'd done an hour prior to get it to stop bleeding. my right arm was bleeding again, it wasn't heavy, but mixed with the water; it was a bit disturbing.
I bit my lip, trying to stop all the groans from leaving my mouth. they pain was almost unbearable that my brain began to ignore it.. it was numbing itself, which I was forever grateful for.
however, it brought the pain back when I accidentally got soap in the deepest cut. "ahgh~!" I slammed my hand over my mouth, oh hell naw. a loud groan left my mouth which.. sounded.. wrong..
my cheeks became red in embarrassment. I knew it hurt, but.. that sounded more like a moan, than a groan.. luckily though, the embarrassment distracted me from the pain again, and it had numbed itself. maybe my healing Quirk had something to do with that.
it was only 2am when I decided to get ready for school. I remembered that I awoken at 11pm, so I must've went to 'sleep' way early. insomnia wouldn't allow me to get a decent amount of sleep, and unfortunately I had no idea just how little sleep I got. I figured it was somewhere around the three hour mark, given I was no completely awake without a problem.
subconsciously, I'd found my way searching my contacts in instagram. Mina, offline. Iida, offline. Katsuki, of-online?.. what's he doing up-
You:
hey, what are you doing up? (read 2:34am)
blondey (baku..:
none of your business.
why are you up
you:
could say the same to you.
I just slept early, same as always.
blondey (baku..:
it's 2 am
you went to sleep at 9
now much sleep could you have possibly gotten-
me:
uh.... :)
dw
blondey (baku...:
I'm not worrying just go tf to sleep
me:
well, you're up at 2 as well, so I prefer you go to sleep as well
actually, I need to show you something.
blondey (baku..:
what is it
me:
uhhh, do you remember the other day? when those cuts appeared?
blondey (baku..:
oh, did it happen again?
me:
yup- much worse
blondey (baku..:
yeah, right
I'll come over and check in a minute.
me:
👍👍
I heard a knock on my door soon after, and before I could get up to open it, Katsuki let himself in. his eyes immediately darted to my arms, then back to me when he realised just how bad it was. I didn't put any bandages on in case it started bleeding again.
"Yeah..." I mumble.
"that's... a lot worse, you weren't kidding." he muttered, moving closer as the door shut behind him. he had small eyebags under his eyes, only visible due to the yellow tinted light.
"I honestly don't know what's happening.." my voice grew quiet, and slightly shaky as my attention drew back to my arm. something about Katsuki being in my presence made me feel a sort of guilt. my heart ached slightly, and my heartbeat grew faster. my head spun slightly. I didn't know why I was acting this way.
"Oi. calm down." Katsuki whisper-yelled, bringing my attention to him: in response made my breathing calm down.
"sorr-"
"don't. don't apologise." he interrupted me. now that I focused on it, his voice felt soft. I'm not sure if it was because he was whispering, but it truly did feel different. it wasn't gravelly, or threatening, hell- it didn't even feel aggressive or defensive. this felt like I was about to see a totally different side of him.
Katsuki's skin was soft as he touched my arm, his eyes carefully looking at the cuts. his eyebrows shaped slightly in dismay, it looked like there was a tinge of sympathy behind those glassy eyes... His eyes.. I could get lost in there. The way his crimson eyes could show a strong passion, but right now only exerted a soft glow of care. I saw my cuts in the reflections of his pupils as he scanned them delicately.
"how badly does it hurt.?" he muttered.
"u-uhm.. just.. a bit." I glanced away, earning a "tch" from Katsuki before asking for the truth. "well.. maybe just a-a bit more than.. a bit." I swallow with an audible guilt laced around my voice. my vision stayed looking at the details on my desk until I turned my head to my right arm, then to Katsuki. his hands were wrapped around my arm, caressing the cuts, which somehow made it feel better. his palms held it carefully as his fingers touched my cuts.
"we need to figure this out.." he began, taking a moment to collect his words then spoke again. "i.. don't want to see you hurt like this again... and if we can't figure out why this is happening, you'll keep getting hurt, you'll keep getting cuts. deeper, and deeper. and before we know it, you might go too deep." he rushed his words out towards the end of his speech.
'you might go too deep.' it echoed in my head for a moment as my heart dropped. what if I went too deep? how long would it take until that happened? I mean.. I wanted to kill myself, but do I really? am I fine with it..?
"you don't.. want to do that, right?" he muttered, his eyebrows furrowed more than before.
"n-no.. no.. I don't." I shook my head slowly, avoiding eye contact because all I'd see would be concern and pity.. I don't want pity, pity makes me feel worse. Katsuki was frowning, he could tell my body language wasn't helping his suspicions. he stared intently at me, I could feel his eyes on me as I became more fidgety.
Katsuki sighed, taking his eyes off my face, and towards my arm again. he gulped silently as he felt the bumps on my skin. he leaned in closer, his face faltering from it's slightly scrunched up expression. he looked closely at my cuts, trying to feel how deep they were as his thumbs subconsciously rubbed my skin.
"tch." he let go of my arms and straightened his back. "just- just go to the recovery girl." he muttered before his body became strict again. he turned away from me and walked towards the door. before I process what happened, he had already left.
3rd pov;
"..." He stood leaning against Y/N's door, trying to focus on his breathing. whats wrong with me..? Katsuki thought while his heart raced, he could feel it beating inside his chest. Katsuki huffed as he tried wrapping his head around it. he walked back to his door with an upset feeling as if he did something he shouldn't have. he didn't like they way he was beginning to feel towards Y/N. it was confusing, and it made his chest hurt. he couldn't pin the feeling down, nor could he control it. it was unwanted and he didn't like it.
he didn't want to leave Y/N, but he got too distracted when he felt his skin. it was soft and calming to touch, despite it covered in cuts. he let his feelings slip through for a moment, but only a moment. Katsuki really hated feeling vulnerable.
( was 4396 words )
(now 3577 words )