Days passed and the level of anxiety in this house only grew. No wonder Trent had been so stressed lately. He's been going through this much longer. My heart ached thinking about the Reed family. My heart ached everyday that passed without Parisa. And now today my heart ached for another reason.
Today marked exactly one year since my mom passed. One entire year since I had to say the ultimate goodbye to her. Looking back on the past year makes it feel like so much time has passed since she did, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday that she was here.
I sat in bed, afraid to let myself feel the weight of this moment. I hadn't even brought this up to Joe all week, for he'd barely left Daria's side, and it just felt weird... And not because he was doing anything weird or something... it just felt selfish to bring up someone we can no longer yearn for when the entire house is holding our breath to know where Parisa is. I guess it's like I'm realizing that mom is gone, and being sad about it isn't going to change it, whereas Parisa isn't necessarily gone... in a way that's harder. My mind wanders to whether she's been sold off to some sicko who's putting her through h3ll whereas, I know that Mom is at peace and resting.
A knock sounded at my door before Joe let himself in. As soon as he saw I was awake he made his way over to my bed with a small tray of breakfast food that I could tell he had prepared. He'd made enough for a family of 5, having been out of practice with his portions now that Daria and I can tag team on human sized meals. I looked down to see all of my moms favorite breakfast foods. The sight made my heart swell.
"I made too much, I know... I think it's easier if I make it in higher quantities somehow. Ha... Um.. how are you doing?"
"I'm okay... How are YOU doing?" I asked, looking up at his face. Joe looked like he hadn't gotten a very good nights sleep. Then again I don't think any of us have been sleeping too well since Parisa went missing... but I can imagine that last night he reflected on this time last year... I know I did.
I dug into the first pancake, proud to see Joe's human cooking had gotten even tastier if that's possible.
"Do you um... Do you know what day today is?" Joe asked.
"Yeah... I can't believe it's been a whole year."
"I know... I wanted to know if you wanted to do something together? No pressure, but I know that there's been a lot of stress all week, but don't think for one second I've forgotten what day it is."
And now the tears came. I cry way too much. Sometimes Joe is just so sweet that I can't help it... plus, I really really miss Mom. And knowing that Joe would even be aware of this while being such a support system for Daria, whom I recognize is going through the absolute most unthinkable circumstance.
"I feel so selfish," I admitted.
"What? Why?"
"Because I know we need to focus on Parisa. A-and I know that Daria has lost her husband and now Parisa is missing, a-and I'm sitting here upset about Mom, who we know is at peace,"
"Yes, but it's okay to miss her. We get emotional because we miss her,"
The two of us sat in mostly silence, until I finally returned to the delicious breakfast, giving Joe the rest of the food, which he ate in all of two bites.
"How do you feel about visiting her tree today? I thought that might be nice... "
"Just you and me?"
"Yeah. I think we can make that happen."
A few hours later Joe and I had finally arrived at our destination. Joe had lectured Jacob for 20 minutes straight before leaving Daria at home with him. Daria actually seemed happy to have Jacob around this week. It gave her someone to put all her mom energy towards. Speaking of mom... We were finally here.
I finally stood under the willow tree Joe had planted in honor of my mom. A willow tree is small compared to the trees that come from New Earth, for a willow tree comes from Earth. Just like Mom... kind of just like me. As I sat under the tree, I realized how many of my feelings about my mom truly being gone I'd pushed down this whole year. As I've suppressed finally feeling the ache of her passing, I've started to lose myself. I'm not this girl who doesn't stop to think about things from other people's perspective. I'm not this girl who sneaks out, or jumps into a fight... I feel like I've somehow been fighting my own happiness, because being too happy for too long is like having an emotion I shouldn't be able to have without Mom here... But that's not right, and I know Mom wouldn't want that.
Joe towered over the tree as he sat criss crossed on the ground next to me. I don't normally see him from this angle and he of course looked absolutely enormous. And to think such a big man could love someone as small as Mom and I... It's amazing. Joe is amazing, and seeing how hard he was trying to keep it together right now filled my heart with a warm ache.
When I look back at this past year, its clear I've had one CRAZY roller coaster of a ride. But when I look back on this year from Joe's perspective I realize he's had just about as crazy of a time as I've had. He's had to move, take on being a single father while running a global company... he's been put through the ringer by me, from the amount of mood swings I've had at him, or the amount of times he had to go to the principal's office because of me. Then there's the time he went to jail for saving me... Had to be on trial to fight for me,.. And then abruptly got married to save someone else.
I want Joe to have happiness and be able to live his life, the same way that I want to have happiness once again. And don't get me wrong, there's been moments this year where I've been happy, but I want to have unapologetic, guilt-free, unadulterated happiness just as I had when Mom was alive. This is what Mom brought into our lives... She would want Joe and I to be whole again.
"Joe?"
"Yes?"
"I feel like we've both been broken all year,"
"Ha, that's one way to put it,"
"I don't want to hold onto all this sadness about Mom anymore. I want to live and grow just like this tree, and just like Mom would have wanted. A-and I want that for you too,"
"For me?! Oh Morgan, I've done plenty of growing, trust me-"
"I don't know why being truly happy has made me feel guilty, but mom wouldn't want that... right? I don't know... Being here right now... I feel her. I feel her power and strength she always carried. She'd want us to be like that, right?"
"Yeah. Very true,"
"I know you haven't really like dated Daria and stuff... but you have my blessing... Mom gives you her blessing too,"
I looked over at Joe, and he was fully crying! While I've seen a couple of tears shed from him before, I don't think I'd ever seen a full crack in the brave front that is Joe. And while we will never under any circumstance forget Mom, I think it's going to be open, and ready to receive the good that has to be coming after the year Joe and I have had.
"Hey, I didn't mean to upset you," I said, making my way over toward Joe's massive legs. Without asking, he scooped me up and brought me to his chest in a tight hug. It wasn't too tight, to the point of pain, but it was getting a little hard to breathe.
"Morgan, I feel so guilty everytime I even feel friendship between Daria,"
"Hey, it's okay,"
"I don't love Daria. Not like I did Mel. Never like that... I.... Daria lost her husband too. It feels like she gets me, that's all. Like she understands how this feels... it's so hard,"
This time I tried my best to hug him back which is pretty impossible to do, but I think he got the picture when our hug shifted to me being pressed to his cheek.
Grief is not a short journey that people snap out of in a few weeks. Not when you lose someone so close to you. Grief is a road. It is a long winding trail that Joe and I have been on for this past year. And while the journey is not over, we've made it through some of the most difficult portions. And I know for certain, that if we could get through this past year, we can get through anything together.
Joe's phone buzzed, making him place me on his shoulder so that he could check to see who was calling. It was Daria, so Joe answered immediately.
"Daria?"
"Joe. I-I-I you need to come back!"
"Oh no! What's wrong?" Joe asked, clearly panicked. I could hear Daria's voice since Joe's phone is so loud compared to human phones. Daria sounded like she was in tears.
"They found Parisa!!! She's alright! We need to meet them at the station!!"
Parisa was safe!!!! Joy shot through my entire body, and I felt Joe leep to his feet ready to return home so that he could take Daria to the station. Before turning to leave Joe turned back, I suppose looking down on the willow tree, which was more like a bush from his angle.
"Thanks Mel," Joe said, before turning and heading home. I will forever agree with Joe that Mom gave us that win. Somehow I feel like Mom brought Pariss back into our lives, as a blessing to form a sort of new family. A family with a giant for a father, and a human for a mother. A still getting her sh#t together teenage older sister. And then two younger siblings who despite having an enormous size difference, are actually the same age, basically growing up like twins. Life wasn't exactly easy, but as long as we had family, and remember to stay brave, life was looking like it would be alright.