Kate
After Alice's Christening in Windsor just after Easter, William, my mother, Alice and I all travelled back up to St Andrew's. William and I were going back to university and for the first few weeks, my mother was staying to help us figure things out with Alice. Alice was now four months old, she had grown, but was still pretty tiny. The last four months had been hard, but William and I were finally into the swing of being parents and had figured Alice out. Once she was fed, she was happy, tended to be the golden rule with her. We flew from London to Edinburgh on the Monday after Alice's christening at the weekend and when we arrived in Edinburgh, there was a car waiting for us to take us to our house. It was a student house, which we shared with our uni friends Olivia and Fergus. We had offered to move out, not many uni students would be happy to live with a four month old baby, but both of them insisted it would be fine.
Olivia was in the living room, watching TV when we got back to the house and I walked in, with Alice on my hip.
"Hello gorgeous girls, how are you?" she said, getting up from the sofa and wrapping her arms around me.
"We're good, I've missed you." I replied, before pulling away.
"Oh Alice, you really are a beauty, aren't you?" Liv said, taking Alice out of my arms. "You go and help Wills out, I'll watch her." I thanked her before going back out to the car to help my mother and William to bring in our bags. We seemed to have so much stuff, but most of it was Alice's. Who knew there was so much stuff for someone so small? My mother was staying at a B&B down the road. William and I thought it too much to ask of Fergus and Liv to share the house with her as well, even if it was for just a few weeks. So while William unpacked Alice's things upstairs, I walked along the road with my mother to find her B&B. She had been up to St Andrews before, so was familiar with everything but it was nice to have a little while of just the two of us. That had been one of the things I'd missed, since Alice was born. Because either Alice was there, or William, and I missed the time I spent with my mother on my own.
"I can't believe when you left you had no idea you were even pregnant." Liv said that evening while Wills, Fergus, Liv and I were all sat in the living room with a glass of wine. Alice was asleep already and my mother at the B&B.
"I know, can you imagine, if you hadn't have gone to Australia and then you would have had her here?" Fergus agreed.
"Then you would have had Fergus delivering her on the kitchen floor." Liv laughed, causing Wills and I to giggle as well.
"I was just glad to not have her on the plane on the way there. That would have been the worst." I told them.
"Will Alice be the Queen someday? I didn't see in the news." Fergus asked.
"We don't know. My grandmother hasn't decided." William lied.
"It doesn't really matter to us though. We're just so glad both of you are back and you've brought Alice with you." Liv said.
"We've missed you guys as well. It's been weird, not being here." William agreed.
"Well, you've missed so much, I'll have to fill you in on the gossip." Liv said, turning to me as she did.
"I look forward to it." I told her
The following day, my mother came by and looked after Alice while Wills and I went into uni to meet with our tutors. Both of us had tried to keep up with as much work as possible while we'd been staying with my parents. But it was hard, being in a lecture was so much easier than reading the notes at home and having Alice around made it even harder. William and I were both determined to not miss too much.
William's tutor was lovely about the situation. She asked about Alice and how she was and said that she was more than welcome at her lectures any time. My tutor was slightly less understanding and was disappointed about the amount of work I had done since Alice was born. I tried to explain that I'd been busy and having a baby and still doing a university course from the other end of the country was actually quite hard, but she didn't seem to care. My tutor had always been a bit of a battle-axe even when I first started, so I guess I shouldn't expect the treatment now to be any better. I felt awful, when William walked back from university towards the house.
"Why don't we go for a coffee? Your mother will be alright with Alice for a little bit longer." William suggested. I agreed and we walked over to the coffee shop around the corner from the house. I sat down, while William ordered us two coffees. And when he returned to the table, I had tears in my eyes. "Hey, don't get upset, she's just a bully." he said, reaching out and holding onto my hand across the table.
"I know, but she just had no sympathy at all. I don't want a pity party, but she could have cut me a little bit of slack." I said. William reached into his pocket and passed me a tissue which I used to wipe my face as the waitress brought us our coffees.
"She's just a grumpy old woman, I know how hard you've worked, and so do your parents, that's all that matters." Will said, once the waitress had gone.
"Clearly not hard enough." I told him, picking up my coffee and taking a sip.
"Remember though, she has nothing to do with the marking of your work. Your tutor is just there for support, if you need it. I bet that nice lecturer you told me about will be more understanding, and she actually teaches you, so she knows what's going on. You could send her an email to ask to meet with her." Will suggested.
"You're right. I'm just being stupid. I haven't been able to get a proper hold of my emotions since Alice was born." I said.
"And that's ok, your body went through so much. It still is going through so much with feeding her. Maybe you just need a good night's sleep. I'll do Alice's late feed tonight, give you a chance to get some proper sleep." he said, holding onto my hand again.
"I'd really appreciate that." I replied, squeezing his hand in mine. We chatted for a little while longer as we finished our coffees before walking back to the house. Liv and Fergus were both out at their lectures, and my mother wasn't there either. She must have taken Alice for a walk or something. The post had been delivered and there was a card for me. I recognised the handwriting on the front as my father's. I opened it and inside was a card, which read Good Luck on the front. Inside he had written,
Dear Kate,
I wanted to write to wish you the best of luck as you return to university. I know the past few months haven't been easy but it has been my life's honour to see you grow up into such a kind and caring young woman. I know that Alice is so lucky to have you, and you shouldn't ever forget that.
Love always, Daddy xxx
I smiled, once I'd read the letter, wiping the tears that came to my eyes. William put his arm around me.
"I told you, didn't I?" he whispered as he hugged me, and I smiled.
"I know, you're right." I said.
"Just say that again, what was it?" Will joked as he pulled away from me.
"You were right, there I said it. Don't get used to it." I giggled.
After a few weeks of having my mother in Scotland with us, it was soon time for her to go home. It was both lovely and rather strange having her come to my university house every day and look after my daughter. She met my friends and we drank wine together and it made me feel like an adult, whilst at the same time, making me feel like a child again. I desperately wanted her to stay, she was so amazing with Alice and it was reassuring to have her there, but at the same time, I wanted to live without her looking over my shoulder, sometimes hypothetically. I knew she was doing it because she cared. It had only been in the last few weeks that I've come to understand that love she has for me, the burning desire to keep me safe, while also wanting me to be happy and free. I understood that, now I had Alice, because as much as I wanted to wrap her in cotton wool, I also wanted her to live a life that she would enjoy without the constraints of her mother around her. I had found that so far, motherhood had been filled with difficult this or that decisions, some more serious than others. Like do I let Alice cry a little when she's trying to go to sleep, or do I go in as soon as she does, in fear that she's traumatised for the rest of her life. Even the smallest decisions, like how many layers to put her in when we went out, I found difficult.
"I got this framed for you." My mother said, as we stood in my bedroom on the morning that she was leaving. She was holding a white shopping bag, which she handed to me. I opened the bag and pulled out a photo frame with Alice's official christening photo inside. William and I were sat on the sofa with Alice in our arms, with Will's father, brother and grandparents around him. As well as my parents and siblings, were all six of Alice's godparents too.
"Thank you Mummy, it's beautiful." I said, placing the picture frame on the chest of drawers in my bedroom, before hugging my mother. "I love it, thank you."
"You're welcome." she said as we pulled away from each other. "Hey, what's with the tears?" she asked, using the sleeve of her jumper to wipe my face.
"I'm just sad you're going I guess." I told her.
"Oh Catherine, you knew that I had to go at some point." she smiled. "Come here." she pulled me back into a hug. "It won't be long, before you're back home for the holidays, leaving your stuff all over the kitchen and winding your sister up. And you know why you're here, don't you?" I shook my head as I rested on her shoulder. "Because you are going to work hard, so that you can get a great job, to live an amazing life for your little girl. You aren't just working hard for you anymore. But I don't need to tell you that. I know that you're doing everything you can for her already."
"But what if I can't do it without you?" I questioned as she stroked my hair.
"Catherine, you're already doing it, you don't need me, you never did. You were just scared, and I held your hand for a little while, like I used to when you were little, at night time, and now I know you're safe, and I can let go." she said. "I promise you, I wouldn't let go if I didn't think you were ready."