The winter in the capital was always dry and dark, later than youshi (5-7pm), even couldn't see figure in the courtyard clearly.
Gu Cheng Yao sealed the letter with the sealing wax and set it aside. He stared at the majestic and solemn Yan Wang Mansion emblem above, and suddenly fell into a deep sense of melancholy.
It had been three years since his father returned to the fief, and he had been wandering alone for three years.
On that day of departure, he followed the crowd to send off Yan Wang Mansion's carriages from far away. The banners were flapping around, after Gu Hui Yan said farewell to the palace envoy, he mounted Zhao Xue and lead great number of retinue from the imperial court to the north. There were so many eyes, Gu Cheng Yao certainly didn't have the opportunity to talk to Lin Wei Xi, he didn't even see her. He saw her carriage slowly started, and then merged into Yan Army torrent, and could no longer be recognized.
The carriage had moved for a long time, but Gu Cheng Yao seemed to still able to see the tassels on the carriage curtain swinging from side to side, lingering in front of his eyes.
He had this kind of thought about his stepmother, the righteousness and propriety of the past two decades had become a joke. Gu Cheng Yao struggled painfully for a long time, and he even thought about receiving other women to divert his attention. He took Yun Hui first. Later in half-awake and half-drunk state he saw a person who looked like Gao Xi, from then on, he seemed to be possessed and disregarding anything asked her from someone else's house.
But all the efforts he made in the end pushed the situation in a worse direction. He accepted Yun Hui, aroused Gao Ran's jealousy, and planted the root that cause a series of family disasters. He took Lu Niang, but Lu Niang's impetuous and foolish character made the house restless, even made disturbance in front of Lin Wei Xi
Lin Wei Xi, he chewed over these three words, slowly called another name in his heart.
Gao Xi.
He discovered that this matter purely by accident. In fact, he had never verified the authenticity of this idea. Perhaps everything was his wishful thinking. But Gao Ran's death gave him an unspeakable feeling.
This is real.
The two of them are really one person.
After the news of Gao Ran's death came out, the entire Yan Wang Mansion remained silent. Gu Cheng Yao didn't say anything. The servant asked him if he wanted to see Shizi Consort's body, but Gu Cheng Yao said no. He didn't know what he should do if he went and saw some traces that were too late to cover up, and not belong to the signs of a serious illness.
Although he knew that his father would not leave such a handle, he still did not want to face this scene. In the fourth year of Yuanjia, he watched Gao Xi leave, and now Gao Ran was also dead.
His feelings for Gao Ran were very complicated. When he first searched for her with the jade pendant, he was really caught up in the fanaticism and love at first sight idea. He felt that he had fallen in love deeply with this woman. This was their destined marriage, so no one could stop them from being together.
Many years later, Gu Cheng Yao thought, maybe at the time he was not in love, he was just moved by himself.
He found this woman and got married with enthusiasm and expectation. However, Heaven's Will was just like that. If Heaven didn't want him to find her, then don't give him hope from the beginning, he wouldn't receive the jade pendant, and he wouldn't send the jade pendant to his father. Why after he found his wife, he was told ruthlessly that he found the wrong person.
This truth was undoubtedly a big deal for him at the time. Although Gao Ran was standing in front of him, Gu Cheng Yao couldn't hear anything anymore. He didn't even know how he left Duke Yingguo Mansion and how he returned to Yan Wang Mansion.
That night, he went to find his new wife. He asked her, why are you lying to me?
Gu Cheng Yao didn't know what kind of answer he wanted to hear. At that time, Yan Wang's Shizi was young and his life was always smooth sailing, could not bear any sand in his eyes. How could he tolerate his new wife deceived him like this? At that time, he thought, maybe Gao Xi also had difficulties, maybe she would cry and admit her mistake. What if she cried? Women's cry was always troublesome. If at that time Gao Xi could not be coax, maybe he also could forgive her...
However, he didn't see any scenes he imagined. Gao Xi just looked at him strangely, with unspeakably calm and confident expression: "What are you talking about?"
She deceived him, but didn't have any remorse.
Gu Cheng Yao was furious, and since then he deliberately ignored Gao Xi. In the beginning, Gao Xi often sent people to invite him, the maid, the young manservant, the cook...all kinds of names were there. But didn't know since when, this kind of things disappeared.
Gao Xi began to erect thorns all over her body. She rectified the rules of the mansion, aggressively replaced the old slaves, and repeatedly targeted Yun Hui and Bu Mama, deliberately confronting Yun Hui. If such words were passed on to Gu Cheng Yao's ears, naturally it could only add more dislike. Indifference and misunderstanding had the tendency to remain unchanged. Once the gap was opened, then it would be more and more impossible to return, and the two could only become more and more unfamiliar.
Sometimes in the dead of night, Gu Cheng Yao asked himself, just because of one sentence, why did their husband and wife get into such a situation? Since he asked that question, he never said a complete sentence to Gao Xi again.
However, when the sun shines in the east the next day, Gu Cheng Yao still couldn't pull down his face to find Gao Xi. Indifference was the best mask. Gradually, the mask and the flesh become one, and even its owner couldn't take it off.
Countless times Gu Cheng Yao wanted to return to that time, to tell himself at that time, because you have never experienced loss, therefore so ignorant and fearless. Cherish the present and never squander other people's love. Because it's very likely that after such delay, you will never see it again.
When Gu Cheng Yao saw Gao Xi again, it was the day she was buried.
He thought he didn't care, he thought he loathed and hated her, but when he saw Gao Xi's face, his heart was caught off guard, violently pulled out into a lump.
Gao Xi has died, she has died. But how could she die?
She had let him down, she occupied the position of his destined wife, so she should make up for him for the rest of her life. What's the point of her passing away early like this?
Later at the funeral, his father-in-law, Duke Yingguo Shizi, made a cryptic apology to him. Perhaps everyone thought that Gao Xi was competitive, her woman's virtue was lacking, so she could not invite her husband's love. Even Gao Xi's father was able to apologize to his son-in-law with a sad expression at his only di daughter's funeral, and then offered to marry another daughter.
Gu Cheng Yao didn't know who he should be angry to, who he should blamed. At that time, he really thought it didn't matter who become his wife. Gao Xi was dead, so what was the difference if it changed to someone else? Perhaps getting everything fixed was the best solution.
In the first few days Gao Ran married him, her gentle and considerate nature, her agreeable and cautiousness were indeed very suitable for Gu Cheng Yao. No one would dislike this kind of woman who was in line with the scholar's ideals, and Gu Cheng Yao gradually got used to it. He deliberately treated Gao Ran very well, and his patience was far higher than the previous marriage. Everyone said that the new Shizi Consort was very favored by Shizi, but Gu Cheng Yao knew it was not.
His kindness to Gao Ran was a kind of deliberate kindness. He was like a clown on the stage, he pampered his wife, and accompanied his wife for a chat or a walk according to the arrangement of the playbook. But when he did all this, his heart was calm without any ripples, and no longer tried find the happiness, anger, sorrow and joy like when he married Gao Xi. His anxiety and excitement as he waited for the wedding, the nervousness when he lifted Gao Xi's veil, and all his enthusiasm for marriage had been exhausted at the end of his first marriage.
Although he could not ignite the enthusiasm for Gao Ran, he always told himself that Gao Ran's heart was kind and pure. She saved people in the moonlit night and stand aloof from worldly affairs, so it was his blessing to have Gao Ran as a companion for the rest of his life. But when Gao Ran and Yun Hui rushed to beat each other that day, Gu Cheng Yao stood at one side and couldn't even react.
In his mind, the gentle and virtuous older sister, the kind and indisputable wife, would actually do such a shrew-like thing. Later, Lin Wei Xi put the yin yang pot in front of him and told him that Gao Ran had planned to kill Yun Hui with this pot of wine.
When impressions turned from good to bad, the consequences were far more serious than always bad. If originally he didn't like a person, even if that person done a heinous thing, he would just say "oh". But if a person who had always have a good image suddenly burst into a scandal, the backlash in people's heart could swallow them alive.
Gu Cheng Yao's evaluation of Gao Ran plummeted because of this, and he also doubted Gao Ran's previous words.
When Gao Ran was alone with him, she always faintly discredited Gao Xi. Although she always said that Gao Xi's status was high, and the brothers and sisters in the family respect the eldest sister very much, but Gao Ran's words meant that everything about Gao Xi was just because of her identity. She, Gao Ran, was the one that everyone really loves.
Some matters, the person involved were always the one that confused, Gu Cheng Yao could easily hear, Gao Ran very much cared about Gao Xi. She kept saying that she was free and at ease, but Gu Cheng Yao, as a bystander, knew that Gao Ran should felt very inferior to Gao Xi. Not only her, the other member of Gao family talked about the eldest sister Gao Xi with awe, not dare to rushed, even more in front of this eldest sister not dare laughing freely.
Gao Xi thought her temperament was unpleasant, actually it was not. Love revealed a man's male instinct. Gao Xi was well-versed in all Four Arts, excellent in poetry, and her identity was also unapproachable. Her aura would unmasked the true image of most men. Even if many cousins admired in their hearts, they unlikely had any thoughts about Gao Xi, they more likely wanted to find a woman who was not as good as them and could satisfy their male self-esteem.
Father was right, Gao Xi, or Lin Wei Xi had a high spirit and strong ability. If it's not a powerful man, he would not be able to subdue her.
Perhaps because he was afraid that people would not believe it, later father really practiced this sentence himself.
The more Gu Cheng Yao wavered, the more he could hear Gao Xi's news from all directions and corners. For example, Duke Yingguo Shizi actually felt guilty towards his di daughter. For example, even if Duke Yingguo old madam liked Gao Ran because of her strong desire for control, but subconsciously her evaluation of Gao Xi was the highest. For another example, Gao Xi did not bully others or snatched Gao Ran's marriage, and Gao Ran was not a weak and harmless little white flower.
Gu Cheng Yao finally understood his heart. He had always loved Gao Xi, but when he was young he didn't know how to cherish it, he had already lost her. When she appeared before him again, the person she depend on, trusted, and admired had changed from him to his father.
The maid beside her, Wan Yue, thought that he had some bad intentions, because he was overwhelmed by Lin Wei Xi's outstanding beauty and could not extricate himself, but Gu Cheng Yao always knew that he loved Gao Xi. When he looked at Lin Wei Xi's charming face, he also thought of Gao Xi's face.
The Buddha said that there are seven sufferings in the world, birth, old age, sickness, death, resentment, separated from the loves one, and not able to get what one asked for.
Perhaps, could add one more suffering, able to get it but lost it.
He knew clearly that he had lost Gao Xi forever, that she had married his father, and that when she looked at his father, there was obvious adoration and happiness in her eyes. During the few years when Yan Wang and Lin Wei Xi were still in the capital, he felt pain every time he saw Lin Wei Xi, like his heart has been cut, trembling pain to the bone marrow. But he couldn't control himself from seeing her, so that one pain was not over, and yet he went to see Lin Wei Xi again, and was bloodied again by the interaction between her and his father.
He knew that he was sinking deeper and deeper on a road of no return. Such thoughts were not only against the norm, but would also consigned her to eternal damnation. He couldn't face his father's gaze. When Rui Yang was born, when his father looked at him with a deep gaze, Gu Cheng Yao almost knelt down to beg for forgiveness.
How could he have such thoughts, but how could he not have such thoughts.
Of course because of her.
Later, when the whole Yan Wang Mansion returned to the country, he stayed alone in the capital. Political reasons accounted for only one reason. But more than that because he could not face Lin Wei Xi, let alone face his father.
Probably after he made such a decision, his father was also relieved.
In recent years, the capital had been turbulent. He has experienced many thrilling moments. Political training had allowed him to grow rapidly, but it was precisely because of his maturity that he knew what he missed. People always understand the value of barriers only after they met and smashed their head. He was so, and the little emperor was also so. How vigorous the emperor when he settling accounts of Zhang Xiao Lian, but after First Assistant Zhang completely collapsed, the emperor was forced with nowhere to go by the deformed group of court officials he previously indulged. Managing a country had never been easy, only after he was severely beaten with two hammers that he finally understand First Assistant Zhang's toughness. Back then, he was ambitious to be like Emperor Qin and Han Wu, but now he had become passive and evasive, ignoring government affairs.
Every time he retreats from a dangerous situation, his desire to talk was particularly strong. He wanted to share his thrills and tensions with his wife, and later when she worried, he would lightly say "It's actually nothing." But looking back around, where is his wife?
On the Dragon Boat Festival in Yuanjia's fifth year, he and Lin Wei Xi took shelter from the rain in the water pavilion. The sky was dark and there was no light in the room, only the rain reflected on her face. At the sound of rain, Lin Wei Xi's outline was vague, but her black hair, snow-colored skin, and red lips became more vivid. Gu Cheng Yao almost thought he was looking at a painting. Her voice was accompanied by the vastness of rushing rain from the sky, fresh and mocking, but mysteriously carried a prophetic rhythm in it. She said: "You always take it for granted. When you made this decision, did you talk to her frankly? Did you really know the truth? Sooner or later, you will pay for your idealization."
What did he say at that time? He just shook his head amused and helplessly, his tone could not hide his carelessness: "Then I wish Miss Lin all the best."
A prophecy.
He really paid the price for his self-righteousness, and he paid for the rest of his life.
Birth, old age, sickness, death, resentment, separated from the loves one, not able to get what ones asked for, able to get it but lost it.
He knew that she would live a very good life, with both children and husband-to dote on her. He also often heard from Yan land's people the news about Wangfei and Junzhu, his father really cherished her, and she and Rui Yang were also happy and peaceful.
But after all, these things have nothing to do with him.
He couldn't get what he asked for, his had lost it.