"I have."
"No, that's not - " He took a nervous inhale of his cigar. "You asked before. Tell me to tell you what happened."
Matthew turned his eyes to him. "Why is Eli here?"
"Eli's dad – John – he was between jobs. I invited him and Lin – my sister – to a work event. I wanted to help them. I wanted to help them. Eli was still young, and I wanted to make sure they were okay. I even invited them to move into the house when Pippa and I were done renovating. But that night was...awful. It was dark, and foggy, and something had happened before they arrived. They were distracted, and Lin and John wanted to leave early. They wanted to go home to Eli, but I wanted them to stay for a little longer. Just a little longer. I thought I was helping them, and we – my last words to them were angry and I wanted them to stay." Jun's jaw trembled. He inhaled his cigar like it was the only air he could possibly breathe. He held it between his lips, jaw tensing before he let it out. "If I had just gotten them to stay. If I managed to convince them to stay for a little longer, they could be alive."
"Why is this fucking house - "
"Pippa was angry. She was depressed, tending to a baby, and we now had Eli. My parents didn't want him – they were too far away, and I wanted Eli to stay close to where he was growing up. I started working from home to help. I tried to learn to cook. I did as much as I could. I tried to keep track of doors that needed to be locked. I – I was trying, and I was so tired. I had to go into the office sometimes. Pippa wanted to go back to work. She wanted it so badly, but I didn't want her to. I thought...we were going to get through this, and we were going to be happy by the end of it. So amazingly, stupidly happy that people would look at us and wonder if something was wrong. We were going to get a nanny. We were..." He trailed off, and for the longest while, emptiness was the only sound between them. "And then...I came home from work one day. Summer. The house was so hot. It was like...stepping into an oven." He paused again. The pace of his words were sluggish, as if saying them out loud was such a shock to his system. "Lilliana was...she was almost two. She was screaming. Covered in spit-up and...diaper so overflowing that she'd gotten a rash." He let out a shaking, nervous breath. "Elliot had gotten into the liquor cabinet. He'd...he'd downed a bottle of chocolate liqueur and half a limoncello. Smashed two bottles of wine." His eyes were wide, glowing with tears. His hands shook. "I...called her. She wasn't in the house, so I called her. So many times, but she didn't pick up." He swallowed thickly, covering his mouth to hide the obvious horror and pain in his voice. "They...I thought something happened to her." Jun wiped his face with his hand, finally turning his eyes away. "They almost took them. Elliot's stomach was pumped, Lilliana was treated, and I...almost lost them." He covered his mouth.
Matthew turned to Jun, still silent.
"She called two days later. Two days. Two days of trying to reach her, of her daughter and nephew in the hospital. She asked for her things. I asked why she left our children alone. They...she must've been gone for hours before I came home. Maybe it had been some kind of breakdown related to her postpartum. I don't know. But she told me she'd gotten her job back, and wanted her things." He glanced to the horizon, wiping his face with the back of his hand, trying to compose himself but failing. His posture was curved and his expression was still too messy. "We divorced shortly after. She didn't fight for custody. As soon as it was over, she left." Jun turned back to Matthew, his eyes tinted red and his face contorted, stretched, and glossy. "I was so angry. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my entire life. I don't remember being so angry and so suffocatingly sad before. I thought I couldn't breathe at times. My parents – they arranged the goddamned marriage, and I thought we were well-suited together, but they blamed me for it falling apart." He looked away, holding the cigar to his lips but not taking a breath.
Jun suddenly laughed, the sound broken. A moment later, silence settled between them again. "I should've seen it coming," he whispered. "She had no interest in Elliot. She could barely touch Lilliana after she turned one." He inhaled slowly, his jaw clenched. "I don't want a 'happy family' anymore. I want a 'comfortable' one, because I know the chances of being happy again are...slim, to say the least. I don't spend enough time with my daughter. I barely understand my nephew, who I can't spend time with because it is my fault his parents are gone." He turned away. "At this point, their happiness is what matters. Not mine."
Matthew sniffed and turned away, not sure if he felt disgusted or disappointed. "Why this house?"
"Philippa and I bought the house when she was pregnant. She was hesitant about it, but I convinced her that it was a beautiful place to bring up our kids. She wanted something closer to her parents, but I insisted that it was all an adventure to tell future generations someday." Jun glanced down. "Her depression was not bad, then. She missed work and traveling, and did not enjoy being pregnant at all. After Lilly was born, it..." Jun plummeted his hand down towards the terrace. "I was being promoted and I could only – I was sparing every moment I had to be with her. I wanted her to know I was there."
"But why this house?"
"It sounds ridiculous," he said, "but I walked through the front door, and I felt this...warmth. I didn't know houses could do that. And I wanted our family to live in a house that had warmth to it. And the view. I'd never seen a view like it."
"...did you love her?"
He took in a breath. "Yes," he answered. "She made me feel steady. Comfortable...and steady." Jun turned back to Matt, expression still pained. "I don't know. Maybe it's been too long, and I'm remembering everything..." He bobbed his hands like a scale, back and forth. "...extremely, if that makes sense. Maybe I was just naive about all of it. I don't know."
"And now? After what she did?"
Jun took in a shaking breath, cigar burning closer towards his lips. Tilting his head back, he let the smoke billow from his mouth, only to catch on the wind and vanish.
"What the hell are the weekly calls Lilly has with her, then?"
"I don't know." Jun shook his head. "Lilliana started asking about her a year or so ago. They...started out of pity for her, but they just kept happening." Inhaling, he finally turned his eyes back to Matthew. "The best part of it all, is that Lilliana doesn't seem that interested in her, anymore." He paused. "Yet she keeps calling."
"Why don't you end them, then?"
Jun's eyes, glistening under whatever scant light there was, lingered on Matthew for the longest while before he turned away, frowning. He offered no explanation.
"Why did you do that to me?"
"I was angry," he whispered, "which means nothing to you, I know. I knew you were right. I knew you knew you were right, but I was angry, still." He paused, the moment thoughtful. "I admire you, Matt. A lot more than I would like to admit. You remind me of so many bright things. I thought - there were times when I..." He huffed, lips downturned. "I-I thought you...shared those thoughts. For me, I mean." His ears were red, as was his face. He turned away. "It was a little confusing, but I didn't want to do anything. It just felt wrong, out of proportion, a dynamic like that, if we were to pursue..." He coughed, clearly uncomfortable. "But that day, I was seething. I was so angry I couldn't see straight." Jun met Matthew's eyes again. "And I...I just stopped."
"'You just stopped'?"
"'Stopped' is the wrong word," Jun sighed, wiping his face. "I did not want to be reminded, again, that I was a failure. I wanted to succeed at something for once, outside of work. I wanted to do something that made me feel good, that made me feel as though I was..." He grunted. "I don't know the word."
"So you assaulted me?"
"I said I wanted to give you an explanation," Jun said. "I did not say it would satisfy you, or excuse my actions. I'm not going to stop you from leaving. I hope you stay, for the children's sake. Not for me. Not at all for me, but I cannot make you do that. That's your choice." He leaned down, tapping out the cigar on the terrace. Jun straightened up and looked in Matt's direction. "You can have him back, now."
Matthew turned. Audrey was standing solitary, holding herself against the wind the same way Matthew was.
"Sorry to keep him so long. Don't make anything for me, Ms. Culpepper," Jun sighed. He turned and moved back to the doors to his office. He closed them with a click.
Matthew's eyes wandered, his chest heavy and head spinning with angry and confused thoughts. He wiped his face and looked at Audrey. He was glaring - he knew he was but couldn't stop it. "How long were you there for?"
"Are you - "
"No."
"Do you...want to talk?"
"Not with you."
Audrey said nothing. She stood there, waiting. Watching Matthew with eyes that screamed concern.
He hated them. He hated the pity in them, the degradation underneath it. "Stop it."
"Matt," she started, but he cut her off.
"What do you want me to say? 'Oh, the closure I wanted, I got. It's bullshit and complicated in so many different ways it makes me second-think everything that's happened since he assaulted me. But now I can't breathe with all this sadness and no part of me can stand the idea of leaving because I want to fix everything.'" Matthew seethed again, his skin crawling in rage that he didn't recognize anymore. "Is that what you want?"
Again, Audrey fell silent.
"I..." He swallowed, glancing down. "I just..." Matthew sniffled, wiping his eyes. "God dammit, Audrey. I just wish things weren't so...fucking complicated."