Five Months Ago
Over the last month, my relationship with Alek has changed. The sexual side of it is less important to us, but we still care about each other just as much as friends now, as we did in the beginning.
Friendships, like all relationships, are fragile. And while I don't think it's likely that we'd ever get into relationships where we will have to lose touch entirely if we remain friends—I certainly hope not; he's been a big part in my healing process—I'm realistic about the fact that some people won't be comfortable with their partners staying in touch with someone they've had sexual relations with. So this may end up being something we'll have to address down the road because I respect and care about Alek too much to ever get in the way of his happiness. If the woman he gets with is uncomfortable with our friendship, then I'll step away or do my best to bring her into my fold and make friends with her so that she'll know I'll never be a threat to her.
It's the least I owe him after the way he's been there for me and helped me on my healing journey.
My head jerks back when something stings my face and my thoughts dissipate at the mixture of laughter from my two best friends.
"What the hell?" I mutter, glancing down at the Skittle that sits perfectly in the middle of my cleavage.
"Oh, hey. Let me grab that for you," Alek teases, reaching down to pluck it out.
"Perv. You just wanted to cop a feel," I sass.
"Obviously," he smirks, tossing it into his mouth.
Amelia interrupts us. "You were lost in space, so I'm guessing you didn't hear us."
I grimace, leaning up off Alek's chest. "Sorry. What did I miss?"
"We were talking about going to the bar tonight," she says. "Alek said David invited him and told him we better be bringing our asses with him."
She rolls her eyes, but I'm not stupid. I know she wants to see him as much as he wants to see her, despite the way her lip curls in a snarl when she says his name. Amelia doesn't really talk much about what's going on between them, but I know they're sleeping together. Sometimes she'll get this far-off look on her face and the pain in it makes me angry at him. Unfortunately, unless she talks to me about what's going on, I have no fucking clue what I'm angry at him about other than putting that look on her.
I shrug. "Sure. It's not like we were going to do anything tonight but watch movies and order in."
Alek makes a noise that has me turning toward him. The way he's rubbing the back of his neck and peering at me with a blank face tells me there's something he's debating on.
Sighing, I lean away and fold my arms across my chest. "Spit it out, Alek."
He blows out a breath. "Fuck. Okay. So, Keaton is going to be there with his friend Brock. He's going through shit too, and Keaton is trying to help him."
In a shocking move, or I don't know, maybe not so shocking, David and Keaton have hung out a bit. It's not something that happens every day, but from what Alek explains, it's a casual friendship.
I'm not upset about it. I'm happy that Keaton finally has people at his back. Just because he hurt me doesn't mean I want to see him out in the cold. I know that's what I should want. I know others would probably feel a lot differently if they were in my shoes, but I just don't have it in me. I thought it made me weak at first—the fact that I couldn't hate him or wish bad things on him—but after many therapy sessions, Rebecca has assured me I don't have to let what he did change me any more than it already has. Not hating him, not wishing him ill will, not even me choosing to forgive him—none of it makes my self-respect lower.
Something I've learned and am continuing to learn throughout this is that everything that happens now is my choice. Keaton took that from me when he disrespected me and my feelings regarding his friendship with Rihanna and he took it again when he fucked her. From that moment, I became the one in control of where my life goes and how I choose to process and heal from it. No one else.
Sometimes, I think it's hard for people to show compassion to others when they don't do things the way they would, but I think they forget that no one person is the same. We think differently; we love differently; we live differently, so we're not all going to do things the way someone else will. Just because someone does something differently than you doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. It just means they have a different approach.
So, no. I'm not upset that Keaton is finally making friends and that they're people I associate with.
I tuck my bottom lip between my top teeth and nibble on it while I debate on if I want to know more about him. Alek doesn't hang with him, not as much as David, but he's been around when Keaton has. He asked me a few weeks ago if it bothered me and I told him it didn't as long as he didn't talk about it to me unless I wanted to know something.
This time I want to know something.
Alek reaches over and pulls my lip from between my teeth. "Spit it out, Lollie-girl."
"Do you think there's something wrong with me that I want to see what kind of person he is now? I know it's only been five months, but it's enough for some change. Right?" I let out a sad laugh and push my head back into the couch cushion. "God. That doesn't sound pathetic, does it?"
"Charlie, you love the dude. Even though he made choices that led him to the biggest mistake of his life—"
I open my mouth to tell him that cheating isn't a mistake, but he lifts a brow, warning me to be quiet and let him finish, so I snap my mouth shut.
"Cheating wasn't the mistake, Charlie. It was his bad choice. Doing something to lose you was his biggest mistake." Alek groans, scrubbing a hand through his hair. "Fuck, this isn't coming out how I want it to."
I laugh softly. "No, I think I get what you're trying to say."
He tucks a piece of my lilac hair behind my ear. "What he did to you changed you in ways that are easy for anyone who knew you from before can see. But you never let it change this," he says, putting his to the middle of my chest. "The core of who you are is still the same and the core of you, Lollie-girl, will always love and care for that man. There's nothing wrong with hoping he's changed or on his way to working on it because then it means he learned something valuable from breaking you.
"I don't know if I can handle seeing him around other women," I admit.
"That's nothing to be ashamed of, Char," Amelia responds quietly. "Him being around other women might be a trigger for you. Look, I don't like the dick weasel, but I can say you've not been around him much since it happened. So, you won't know how you'll react until you do." She scowls and her fierceness has me fighting a smile. "Don't take this as me advocating for that fuck head, because I'm not. I'm advocating for you, Char."
God. I fucking love my best friend.
Closing my eyes, I check in with myself and my feelings. They're right. My love for Keaton is always going to be there. He's been buried inside my soul since I was a little girl. I tried hard to hate him after he cheated on me. God, I wanted to hate him so bad. The way the pain beat under my skin every day, I wanted to tear it from my body just to have a reprieve. Just so I would have one fucking minute to breathe without his betrayal eating away at me. But then, with the help of my therapist and these two amazing human beings, the pain became less. Every morning I woke up breathing a little easier. I woke up every morning, and it wasn't the first thing on my mind.
That's not to say it went away or ever will. It's still there, sitting in the depths of my soul, a quiet and constant reminder that it's the deepest love that can do the most harm. His love left scores on my heart that I'll carry with me until I'm no longer a part of this world. They're so deep that it wouldn't surprise me if they followed me into whatever afterlife I face.
Do I see myself ever getting back together with Keaton? I wish I could answer myself definitively, but I really hate lying, even to myself. So, I won't. But I can say I haven't forgiven him. He's not really done much to earn it.
At least, not yet.
Am I willing to give him a chance to? I don't know the answer to that either. But I'm tired of always being scared to be in his presence. I'm tired of constantly being on guard anytime someone mentions his name.
The truth is, I'm just plain fucking tired.
"I think," I pause, blowing out a breath, "I think I'll be okay going with you all. You're right, Mel. I won't know anything unless I put myself in the same place as him in a similar environment to the night of the pool house."
My stomach clenches at the mention of it. I've come a long way, but not far enough. Rebecca, as she's told me, can only help get me so far. The rest is going to be up to me.
This is only the next step I need to take in my healing journey.
I wish telling myself that made it easier.
"It might end up being too much," I warn them.
"And if it is, then you let us know and we leave," Alek says. "You come first, Char."
I smack my palms against my thighs and blow out a heavy breath. "I guess I need to go get dolled up. No way in hell am I walking into this shit without my armor on."
Alek climbs to his feet and holds out his hand. "Then let's get you dolled up."
Sliding my hand into his, I let Alek pull me to my feet and follow him to my room, with Amelia trailing along behind us.
He leads me straight to my closet and swings open the door. "Mel, you're on hair and makeup. I got the outfit, shoes, and everything underneath."
I stand outside the door of my closet, twisting my hands together, as I watch Alek go through all the clothes hanging in it. He mutters to himself as he lifts dresses out, checking them over, glancing at me before shaking his head and hanging it back up.
My breath catches when he lifts out one I've never worn before. It's more risqué than anything else I have. It was one I found not long after I caught Keaton and Rihanna together but have yet to be brave enough to wear.
It's full of black leather and lace, and so fucking short I doubt I'd be able to bend over or squat without flashing someone the goods. The lace covers the slits that crisscross up the side of the dress, leaving very little to the imagination. It also doesn't leave room for any type of lines, which means if this is the one he picks, there will be a great possibility that someone will see what the hell I have to offer. And it's probably not going to be anyone I want to see.
But, oh man, can I just imagine Keaton's reaction to me in it.
"Alek," I warn weakly.
The smirk that glides over his face lets me know just how much trouble I'm in. "You already know, Lollie. Hell, my dick is getting hard just thinking about you being in it, so I know you'll have that man dropping to his knees and begging to pray at your altar."
I roll my eyes with a huff. "You're ridiculous."
He ignores me and peruses my heels, grabbing the one pair I cherish the most. I've only worn them once or twice because I'm terrified of wearing them out. The red sole pleads with me as they swing from his fingers.
"Woman, I almost want to throw a fit that I never knew you owned these things. Because, holy fuck, the things I'd have done to you in them alone. I already know your legs look sexy as fuck in heels, but something tells me that these beauties are going to make one hell of an impact with that dress."
Considering Keaton bought them for me with money he saved from pulling all the extra shifts at work, he's probably not wrong about that.
Alek gently pushes the dress and the shoes into my arms, then turns me by my hips and marches me to the middle of the bedroom. "Shower and shave, and then get your ass back out here and get dressed."
"You're being really bossy right now," I tell him, aiming a glare his way.
"I'm always bossy, babe." He smacks my ass, causing me to jump. "Now, get your ass in the shower."
The shower doesn't take long since I had taken one last night and shaved then, but I run my razor over my legs and armpits just to catch any stubbles.
I make sure all the moisture is off my body, otherwise, I'll never get the dress on it. It's already tight enough that I have to wiggle and hop about trying to get it over my hips and boobs. Any moisture is only going to make it that much harder to get into.
Once I have the damn things on, I stand tall and stare at myself in the mirror. I twist one way, then the other, before turning around and looking over my shoulder.
Holy shit. The dress is a lot sexier on me than I imagined it would be.
I'm hot as fuck in it, and the longer I stare at myself in the mirror while wearing it, the more my smile and my confidence to face Keaton grows.
Amelia and Alek both widen their eyes and take a step back when I walk out of the bathroom. Alek's eyes light with appreciation, and it's nice to know that even though things have cooled between us, he's not hiding something like that from me.
"Well," I demand, propping my hands on my hips when neither of them says anything.
Alek clears his throat and gives me his cocky smile. "I think you look hot as hell, Lollie-girl, and Keaton is going to have all his regrets smack his ass in the face when you walk in the door."
I take a seat at my vanity so that Amelia can do her thing. Alek pulls up another chair beside me to keep me company while she works on my hair and makeup.
But then his phone goes off and a notification pops up with a text message. Jerica's name stands out to me when he opens the message thread. I'm not jealous. I actually don't give a shit if they're texting. There are a few things regarding her and him I'm curious about, though. Mainly, his feelings toward her. I can't ever get a good enough read on them. There was a time when I thought he had a thing for her back before we started ours. But I don't know. He runs when she and David need anything. He smiles when he's talking to her, and he's always hanging out with her and David when she's in town. All those together would normally have someone concerned, but because he's my best friend and I know him as well as I know myself—intimately at least, because that's about as far as Alek ever lets anyone in—I'm not sure he so much as has feelings for her as he uses her. I don't think he realizes it either. He doesn't do it in a malicious way, but in a way that would help keep other women at a distance.
"Jerica?" I ask.
His eyes jerk to mine, something akin to guilt and remorse flashing in them before he blanks them and smiles at me. "Yeah, just seeing if it's cool for her and Reggie to come hang out this weekend."
Lifting a brow, I state, "Let me guess, you told her it was okay."
I purposely keep my voice flat as I try to get a bead on my best friend's feelings.
He grimaces and runs his hand through his hair. "Did you have something planned?"
"No. Just curious. Does it bother you that she's bringing Reggie?"
His brows draw together like he can't figure out why I'm asking that question. "No. He's her boyfriend. Why would it bother me?"
I stare at him while Amelia styles my hair, watching his face as he messages Jerica. Alek does his best to remain stoic most of the time, but when he's comfortable around the people he's with, he's usually not as...blank. So, his expressions are one of the easiest ways to tell how and what he's feeling when he refuses to speak.
Those facial expressions try to tell me one story, but my gut, and the look in his eyes when he glances at me, tell another. My gut has never really steered me wrong before, so I believe he's serious when he questions why it should bother him. Maybe he really doesn't care for her the way he tries to make people think he does.
"I just figured it would because of the feeling you have for her."
Alek looks confused for a second before his face clears and a smirk settles on it. "Babe, I told you before that there was nothing there between me and her."
"What happened that weekend you went away on business with her and David?"
"You're talking about the weekend I asked you out, and you wanted me to make sure there was nothing there between me and her first?" he questions with a lifted brow.
"Yeah. I mean, it was never really brought back up between us. I know you're not a cheat, so when you came back and we hooked up, I just assumed you never said anything to her."
"You asked me to be sure, Char, and I cared enough about you and what you went through to respect that. I pretty much knew what I was feeling, but thought that maybe there was something I was missing since you asked me that. She and Reg were split up that weekend so we got lucky she was single for a change, I guess. Anyway, I put myself out there to her despite my gut warning me it was all wrong. That I really didn't want to go there with her. And when she told me friends only, a big brother, you know what I felt, Charlie?"
"What?" I murmur.
"Relief. I felt fucking relief because it wasn't what or who I wanted."
His openness surprises me because it's not something he usually does. Oh, the man can fuck, and give sage advice all day long, but in laying himself open on the table, he treats it like a trip wire and steps over the line carefully.
The thing is, one day Alek is going to meet someone and if he continues to use Jerica as a wall between him and anyone that might cause him to feel anything more than surface-level emotions then it's going to ruin his chance at true happiness.
"All finished," Amelia says. "Now, stand up and turn around so we can get a look at you all together."
My eyes tear up when I glance at myself in the mirror. The last time I fixed myself up like this was...
I swallow hard when it hits me.
The night of the pool party.
My hands shake and even underneath the makeup, I can see the way my skin loses color in the mirror.
"I don't think I can do this," I whisper.
Alek moves over to settle behind me, and his hands anchor at my hips. "Talk to me. What's going on in this beautiful head of yours?"
"The last time I got fixed up like this was the night I caught Keaton cheating on me," I admit in a watery voice.
"Ah, hell, Charlie." He drops his face to the back of my head. "We don't have to go. We can stay in and watch some movies, play cards, whatever the hell you want."
Closing my eyes, I lean back against his chest and allow him to lend me some of his strength. It takes longer than I'd like for my panic to settle, but once it finally does, I blow out a deep breath and open my eyes, moving out of his arms and turning to face them.
"No, we're going to go. I'm going to face this and him head-on. I'm going to make new memories because I refuse to be held down by the ones that try to break me." I smirk at them. "What do you think?" I ask, propping my hand on my hip and angling my leg so that it pops my hip out. Just for the hell of it, I give them the stupid ass duck face Rihanna was always making in her damn pictures and holding up the peace sign the same as her, too.
Their eyes widen before laughter fills my bedroom, breaking up the melancholy that was nearly choking us.
Alek smirks, walking up to me and holding his hand out. I slide mine into his and laugh when he spins me around so he can check me out properly. A whistle of appreciation passes through his lips.
"Lollie-girl, you're the finest piece of ass I've seen in a long time."
I crinkle my nose at the crudeness, but snicker anyway. "I'll take it."
"Good." He gives me a friendly peck against my lips and smacks my ass. "Let's go blow the roof off this fucking place then, what do you say?"
As I stare at him and Amelia waiting patiently for me, peace works its way through my body, stealing away the worry and pain from my thoughts of facing Keaton again.
The smile forms slowly on my face and theirs mimics it until we're all three grinning at each other.
If it wasn't for these two, I truly don't know where I'd be right now. They've played a huge part in my healing journey. In some ways, they'll still continue to be a part of it, but from here on out, my journey is now mine to take on my own.
And I think I'm finally ready to do that.
No matter how painful it'll sometimes be.