SILVIO
New York. The city that never sleep. Giant billboards. Ridiculous skyscrapers. Loud honks, toxic fresh air injected into your bloodstream like drugs and the thrilling adrenaline from glancing down at the bobble heads below which were probably arguing about something nonexistent.
Insignificant in comparison to the inner tumoil inside of me.
Three letters words that'd been floating inside of my head, playing over and over like a broken record. Flashes of the scene washed over me like a rerun of my favorite show.
I'd gone through a pack of Marlboro just in the last four hours, needing the buzz and every bit of high to prevent myself from slipping into my car and fucking driving till dawn because that would be idiotic.
Not only was I drunk and a little high on the inner turmoil bursting through me like unconfined rage but I was running on nothing but pure adrenaline and deep hated from my past nightmares.
Soft brown eyes flashed in my mind, my chest aching with longing and I pushed it away. Just like I'd pushed her away back at the penthouse like a fucking coward.
Logically, deep down inside of me, I knew the answer to her statement. I knew I couldn't love her back and I knew that whatever fucking feeling she'd slapped a title on and labeled love wasn't real. It was a figment of her imagination because that wasn't possible.
"Silvio. Buddy. Don't tell me you're thinking of jumping?' Familiar, deep voice called out and I heard the door to the rooftop slam shut.
A deep ironic chuckle left my throat. "Nah, not the suicidal type." I shifted my head slightly, blowing out a thick line of smoke and watching mischief bloom in those icy blue eyes. "How'd you find me?"
"Your girl told me what happened." He stated. The corner of my lips tipped at the words your girl. "And Octavius."
Irony filled me at the nickname because I was ninety-nine percent sure that the woman wanted nothing to do with me anymore. The one percent came from my deluded sense of daydream hoping she would brush this under the rug.
I nodded in response. Of course. I wasn't surprised that Beast showed up especially since they were close friends and I knew the woman was probably worried.
After the fucking terror I had when I returned home earlier, I knew she'd seen everything. Every single part of me, and I still didn't understand what she was doing with me. Why she didn't pack her fucking things and flee the minute I didn't respond to her love confession.
I couldn't love her back, didn't understand the fucking feeling and the thought of her loving me was hell. Didn't want it, didn't need it, couldn't see it happening.
I love you.
The word left a cooling ache in my chest that moved outward without prohibition and gripped my heart with icy fingers.
"She's worried about you." He told me as I handed him a cigarette and fished out the Zippo lighter from his jeans pocket. A tight smile appeared on his face. "You gonna tell her you love her back or what?"
My jaw clenched. "I can't."
"Right." His tone was dry and had traces of sarcasm like he saw right through my bullshit. "Explain this to me though? You care for the woman, almost put a bullet in her fucking ex because you saw her laughing with him and would do anything for her? Even bought her that expensive ass pink Valentino bag. Is that not love, no?"
"Beast." My gaze hardened as I shifted my head to him, my voice low and cold telling him to fucking drop the topic of love.
It didn't matter what he said and it didn't matter what anyone said because I didn't understand. I wasn't sure if I would ever understand why she confessed or why she thought she could love me because I couldn't see how anyone in this world could.
Especially when the woman who brought me to this world never could.
He blew out a thick line of smoke with a shit-eating grin like he had all the answers in the world. "Are you ever going to explain everything or you gonna keep driving her away?"
When I didn't respond, he had the audacity to continue. "You know what I think?" No, I really don't want to know.
A blank stare crossed my eyes as I gave him my attention hoping he would drop the goddamn topic but he continued. Yet again.
"I think you love her, Silvio. I think that you want to love her even if you don't understand what you feel and I think the thought of her being with anyone else but you is killing you."
"Beast." My voice was groggy and thick as I drawled in a cold breath of toxic air. "You know if being an assassin doesn't work, you can always fucking go for the job of cupid."
He laughed, shaking his head to himself. "Fine then but I won't let you keep hurting her. I'll take her off ya hands."
A muscle ticked in my jaw as my heart froze still and I glanced over at him. "You asking for a death wish or something?"
A deep trickle of laughter rumbled down his throat and a sinister look glowered in his eyes. "Tell your girl how you feel and stop being scared. She loves you, and you love her. End of discussion."
My first instinct had been to put a bullet into his fucking mouth just to have some fucking peace and silence on the rooftop which was what I'd escaped here to find but then I heard it. The ring of my phone.
My gaze coasting over the screen to identify the caller, and when I slid a hand across the screen to answer the call, I was already expecting the words that floated through the phone.
Nevertheless, my heart dropped, slammed into shock and something nigged inside of me like someone had stuck their hand into my chest, grabbed a hold of my beating heart and squeezed a little too tightly.
I inhaled sharply, nodding in response to Tommaso's words and then ended the call. "She left you?" Beast's irritated voice broke over the silence that'd consumed me.
I met his gaze over the gleam of the glass tumbler and nodded. "She found the documents. She knows everything now."
He scoffed lightly, sarcasm filled his voice. "You planned this to drive her away? Couldn't tell her yourself?"
A dark smile tipped the corner of my lips as I downed the scotch in one go. "Too much of a fucking coward."
"I'm glad you're aware." My gaze narrowed at his comment but I said nothing because he was fucking right. "You gonna go get her back?"
"Nah."
"Silvio." His tone was hard and held a warmth of disapproval but that was too fucking bad.
If I wanted a fucking angel on my shoulder advising me about choices and what was right from wrong, I would have taken a turn into Octavius' mansion and searched for his wife but I didn't need that or her.
I knew what I was signing up for the minute I brought out those documents and planted it right where she could see it.
If I was a logical man or even a good man, I would sit her down, apologize and earn her trust back but I was neither.
Neither logical or a good man.
The only thing I had to my name was being a fucking coward. Couldn't love her back, couldn't bare the thought of her staying with me when I couldn't return her advances, couldn't lie to her any longer.
"You're an idiot, you know that?"
Understatement of the year.
I ran my tongue over my teeth and scoffed lightly even thought this was killing me. Driving her away was gutting me raw inside and flashes of those brown eyes threw me into the very center of a fucking hurricane, leaving nothing but scorching heat burning right through me and setting me ablaze.
My head was spinning, heart pounding and pulse leaping in my throat every time I lit another cigarette, glancing down at the bobbleheads down and wondered if everything would simply be quiet if I jumped.
If I slowly disappeared like placing a feet upon the lake and walking into thin ice only to slip and fall carelessly, never catching my breath and dissipating into nothingness.
Nothing would ever know but she would. Would she care?
I knew I was a goddamn bastard for making the choice to push her away after she'd told me she loved me.
I knew I was an even bigger bastard for leaving her cold on my couch when my cock had been stuffed into her, and she was giving me those warm smiles and soft whimpers.
But I didn't care not one bit because I knew that as long as my past haunted me with each recurring nightmare and abhorrent thought, there was no way she could be happy with me.
I couldn't make her happy, couldn't love her and so what kind of bastard would I be not to let her go?
"You got a spare bed or something?" I asked Beast as he passed me the Zippo lighter back, the golden flame spurring the butt of the cigarette.
He raised a brow, silently asking the reason. The corner of my lips tipped as Tommaso's earlier words rushed into my mind. "She set my couch and clothes on fire."
A soft laughter left his throat and those icy blue eyes sparkled with mirth. "Damn. Remind me never to make her mad."
"Yeah."
"But no." The fuck? "I'm on her side here, Silvio so that means I can't help you in any way. You were a fucking ass to her and she deserves better so go stay with Octavius."
I was silent for a moment, shaking my head at the irony of his statement but I knew he wouldn't change his mind anytime soon. And I also knew meant subjecting myself to Finley's questions and silent wrath which I didn't need right now.
I'd only seen her truly mad a couple of times and it was like watching a little kitten get violent with claw marks and bite marks.
I inhaled a sharp breath as I lit another cigarette and poured myself another drink, watching the glow of the moonlight as it cast a soft glow on the skyscrapers and wondering how the hell I ended up here tonight from the beginning credits of waking up with her body wrapped around me.
- || -
A soft rumbling sound woke me up, sloppy kisses on my face and a wide, angelic smile shoved into my face.
Glancing around, I took note of where I was and flashes of memories slammed into me from Beast carrying my drunk ass through the front door and throwing me on the couch only to leave promptly.
I groaned lowly, reaching out a hand in front of my face to prevent the greeting of the Rotties who were always so excited and a little too energetic whenever I was concerned.
My gaze coasted over Finley who was towering over my body on the large armchair, watching me silently but she hadn't said anything.
My voice came out in a deep guff. "Yeah?"
"Uh.."
"You're sitting on her fuckin' blanket so fuckin' move." Another deep, masculine voice came from behind Finley.
I tipped my head back slightly, ignoring the kisses from Growl to take note of the tall, brooding figure standing protectively over her. Ah of course.
With a roll of my eyes, I reached underneath me and tugged the thick fabric she'd been looking for. Finley smiled softly, murmuring a word of appreciation and then took a seat right beside me.
I couldn't help but sigh as I rose into an upright position, running a hand down my beard and watched silently as she turned on the television and started another season of Grey's Anatomy.
I knew nothing about the fucking show except the few times I'd come home to see Presley passed out on the couch with the show playing.
"It's a medical show." Finley explained in a quiet voice when she caught the look of confusion on my face.
I rubbed a hand down my jaw, nodding. "Ah."
Octavius disappeared for a few seconds, returned with a bowl of popcorn and brownies and placed it on the round table I'd extended my legs on.
With a hand, he shoved my legs to the side forcing me to drop my feet on the carpet-covered floor.
He raised a brow, running a palm down his jaw and shook his head. "You have nothing better to do than watch tv?"
I shot him a dirty look towards him then slid an eye over the show Finley was watching. "Fuck off. I'm going through a breakup."
"What happened with you and your girl?" He asked me.
A soft voice responded before I could say anything. "He broke her heart and pushed her away because he's scared of loving her." I stammered at a loss for words as I glanced at Finley who was still smiling widely. "Beast told me."
Fuck.
Can't keep shit to himself.
Octavius let out a deep laughter shaking his head to himself like there was something oddly familiar and hilarious about this situation. "I see. I'll be back, Topolina. Finish your snacks, hm?" His dark eyes filled with a certain softness when she smiled at him.
He bent down, placed a small kiss on Finley's forehead and disappeared into the kitchen. For once in a lifetime, the principessa was quiet.
She didn't say anything else about the situation or tell me how to fix the shit I'd created but instead, she slid the bowl of popcorn towards me and extended the blanket over my long legs. Confirming all my assumptions about how she was too fucking nice for this damn world.
I raised a brow. "You're not gonna give me shit about your friend?"
A small shake of her head with those brown eyes still fixated on the screen. There was some cruelly, explicit scene of blood splattering over the screen and it seemed to consume her whole focus.
"You know what you did wrong so it's up.. up to you to fix it. Pres can handle herself and besides I'll need to teach you how to grovel so you can win her back."
"Grovel?" The words spat out of my mouth like I was chewing fucking dirt. What the hell was she talking about?"
"Uh-huh." She nodded, chewing on a brownie and I watched her legs silently bobbing up and down like she couldn't sit still. "Beast told me that you don't know how to love her but that's not true."
"It's not?"
"No. You're so silly, Sil. Why would you believe that?" A soft giggle left her lips and she narrowed her eyes slightly at me when I reached forward and grabbed a fistful of popcorn. Stingy ass.
"She won't leave you if you acknowledge to yourself that you love her, you know?"
My heart throbbed at her eerily accurate accusation and logically, a part of me recognized that she wasn't the woman with the Machiavellian mind who haunted my dreams at night.
No, she chased them away.
The knowledge of someone loving me wasn't hard to believe, it just physically ached because the first woman who was supposed to love me set me on fire with a nonexistent regard for my life.
"Do you like it when she smiles?" She asked all of a sudden, dragging me away from my thoughts.
"Yeah." A serious fucking amount. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Do you think about her a lot?"
I blew out a deep, heavy breath as I focused on the content of the screen. "Yeah. A fucking lot."
"Hey! Bad word." She let out a soft gasp, reached over beside her and grabbed a mason jab, gesturing it towards my face. "You owe me five dollar."
"What?" I shot her a dirty look. There was no way this was fucking real, and there was no way I was going to get robbed by a woman who had the ability to bump into walls and dare apologize. "You're fucking kidding me."
"Ten dollars now, Sil."
A low grumble left my mouth as I dug into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out a ten dollar bill, tucking it into the jar.
Pair of curved dots appeared in the side of her cheek and lit her face with softness. It was bait, and I fucking knew it.
"Continue."
She nodded and then pressed pause on the remote to give me her full undivided attention. "Do you smile and laugh when she's around like your heart hurts but in a good way? Oh! And you want to buy her anything she wants just to make her happy, and you want to cook for her and do nice things because you care about her? She might not make you a better person but you want to be better for her. If all of this.. this is true, say aye."
I swallowed hard. "Aye."
A soft smile consumed her features like she already knew the answer to all the question and was just fucking baiting me. "Last question and this is a hard one, you ready?"
I clapped my hands together and blew out a heavy exhale of breath. "Hit me."
"Do you think that Pres would ever hurt you like your mother hurt you?"
My heart thrummed out a hard, deep rhythm with each blaring thought that slammed into my mind.
I knew the answer loud and clear, and maybe I always did but now as I sat on the armchair, chewing on a piece of popcorn and being tugged towards the clear blaring answer by the woman who sat beside me, an uncomfortable ache radiated in my chest at the answer.
I couldn't explain it, something soft gripped on my chest and surpassed obsession. Warm, unfiltered, igniting love bolted through my rib cage.
"No." The words flew out of my mouth in a startling confession. I let out a bitter laugh, shaking my head as I stared at the ceiling. "She wouldn't."
"Yeah, you know that." She smiled, rubbing her stomach gently. "Then that's love, Sil. You love her."
"That's love." I repeated, my voice thick with a mixture of sarcasm and shocking realization. "I fucked up, principessa."
She smiled softly almost like she'd experienced the waltz of emotions before. "Yeah but you can fix it."
God, I was a fucking idiot. Everything that'd happened within the last few days came crashing into me like a flicker of memories flitting through a kaleidoscope.
I closed my eyes at the delicious aching sensation ripping through me as images of her soft face appeared. Those dark brown eyes filling with tears at the pain I'd caused her. That's love.
Perhaps it'd taken me a long time to realize it because I'd sworn off the word love but I knew I would do anything for that woman. Anything she wanted, anything she needed. It didn't matter what she asked me because all I wanted was the look of happiness on her face.
I would kill—I had killed for her, and if she wanted another man, I would kill him and make her forget him.
I'd slapped the label of obsession on it for so long because I was in love with her and that scared me more than any fucking thing in the world.
When I came back to reality, blowing out a deep breath and coming back to terms with my fucked-up decisions and regrets. "It's that simple? That's love?"
"It's supposed to be simple. Like it or not, you love her. Do you want her to be with another guy?"
I shook my head, taking my bottom teeth between my teeth. "Fuck no."
"Good. That means you love her. You're so silly." Her soft voice chipped the silence between us and wormed its way through the conflict brewing inside of my mind. "You owe me twenty dollars by the way."
A raised brow. "The fuck?"
"Forty now."
"You set him straight, baby?" I heard the husky sound of Octavius' voice from the hallway.
Finley laughed, nodding slowly even though he couldn't see her. "Yep!" She turned to me with mischief blooming in those brown eyes. "Now, I have to teach you how to grovel so you can get her back."
I raised a brow. "Grovel?"
"Yeah, you know buy her flowers, apologize and do everything to get her back." She explained, gazing at me with a bewildered thought like I was an idiot for not knowing what the hell groveling was.
"Did you think she would just get back with you if you apologize and tell her you love her?"
"Well.." I clicked my tongue and sighed with a hand rubbing my beard. "Maybe not in that pattern but I was going to start with the truth about everything and then apologize."
She gave me a blank stare and slowly chewed on a piece of popcorn like she couldn't believe what I was saying. "No."
"No?"
"No." She repeated and I scoffed lightly. What the fuck. "You have to start slow first. Apologize, admit your wrongs then you need something big to win her back. How do you feel about buying another dog?"
My gaze narrowed. "Absolutely fucking not."
"Well, do you want her back or not?"
"Ah, shit." The forbidden words flew out of me in a momentary haze of irritation and misunderstandings.
My gaze narrowed when she gasped softly, gesturing the mason jar towards me. "Fifty dollars?"
She raised an arched brow like I said something idiotic. "No, it's a hundred dollars now and because you said no to my dog idea, double it."
"You're a fucking thief, princepessa."
author's note:
hi i hope you enjoyed this chapter :)
also i will be going back to college by the end of this week & starting classes at the end of the month so updates might be once a week like before, i'm sorry for this but i'll try my hardest to finish diavolo before school starts.
we have about 8 ish-10 chapters left!
all my love,
dee