[ C H A P T E R 25 ]
LATISHA VALENTINE
Ayoko lagi na nakikita ang pagdududa sa mga mata niya. Because aside from doubt there is also fear. His fear that I might replace him, that I might choose someone other than him. Kahit sabihin at ipakita ko man sa kanya na hindi mangyayari 'yon, alam kong hindi niya agad mababago ito.
Aside from Annabelle's death that traumatized him, there was also something that made Roshan fear of being alone flourished. His parent's death made him lonely, and Annabelle did the same thing to him. He is afraid that I might do it, too.
"We are just playing, your grace," nakangising sagot ni Napoleon sa kanya. Napoleon suddenly made a bow conveying his apologies. "I didn't know you were pregnant, Madame. I must have lost my mind, and I will accept any form of punishment the Duke and Duchess may imply," he added.
"I am alright, no need for punishment," agad na sagot ko. Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Roshan at dahan-dahan tinungo ang posisyon niya. "I thought you were coming back tomorrow? Hindi ba't kakaalis niyo lang?" agad na saad ko nang makalapit ako sa kanya.
"I forgot something," he replied. He wasn't even looking at me, he was staring directly at the Lord. Bahagya kong hinawakan ang braso niya para pilitin siyang ikalas ang tingin sa iba at ituon ito sa akin.
"I have to go," Napoleon said and marched him away from us after giving a salutation. He must have sensed the aura that Roshan was emitting.
"It was a friendly banter," I explained. I was urging him to loosen his stiffness and relax with me. "He didn't harm me, and I was careful with my movement, your grace."
Hindi pa rin siya natinag. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko tuwing iniisip niyang kaya ko siyang palitan, kung sa totoo ay hindi ko naman 'yon magagawa. I could feel water forming my eyes as my vision blurry while looking at him.
"I love you," I whispered. I was hoping that could make him relax but it didn't. He still feels distant even when we are near each other. "Please, listen to me. Whatever you see, it was just a friendly conversation. Napoleon and I are just talking about you and the Duchy. He don't mean any harm—-"
"I know, I understand," he cut me off. His voice was low and cold. Napakurap ako nang dapuan niya ako ng tingin at agad nitong itinaas ang kamay para punasan ang aking pisngi. "I just realized something, wife."
Hinawakan ko ang kanyang kamay na nasa aking pisngi para maramdaman ko ang init ng kanyang palad. He wasn't wearing his gloves, making me feel his skin on mine.
"What was it?" I uttered. Despite my clouded vision, I saw pain lurking in his amber orbs. It was an ocean of despair drowning him into its depth, making him succumb into darkness.
"You never look that happy when you are with me," he replied. His voice cracked but he tried not to show how unbearable it was for him. Habang panay tulo na lamang ang aking luha dahil kahit hanggang ngayon, hindi ko magawang pagaanin ang nararamdaman niya. "Don't cry, it's breaking me when I see you cry because of me," he continued.
Hindi na lamang ako nagsalita bagkus siniil ko siya ng isang yakap. I buried my face on his chest and I felt how fast his heart was pounding. Sinuklian niya ang yakap ko kaya't bumagsak na ang katawan ko sa kanya. I just let my tears fall, and cry in his arms despite knowing this also breaks him.
Guilt, a relentless specter, clings to us, leaving no respite from the haunting echoes of the past. The weight of our transgressions denies us the opportunity to embrace a fresh start, as we remain trapped in a cycle of trying to mend a problem we desperately wish to avoid in the future.
With every step forward, our minds remain tethered to the burdens of remorse, preventing us from truly breaking free and forging a path towards true freedom.
Though I could never fully repair the shattered trust between us, I sensed his conscious effort to shield himself from its impact. In his presence, I witnessed a remarkable display of restraint, as he refrained from responding with aggression upon seeing us.
This act of self-control deepened my understanding of his character, illuminating the inner struggles he grappled with while striving to rise above the pain our past had inflicted.
Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap at tinaas ang aking ulo para magtama ang aming mga tingin. "Your grace, I yearn for your trust, even though I cannot erase the fear in your heart. But I implore you not to let yourself drown in perpetual apprehension and doubt. I am by your side, steadfast and unwavering. Redirect your focus to me, solely to me," I earnestly expressed to him.
Hindi niya sinuklian ng salita ang sinabi ko. He let silence be the voice of his words he cannot express. He just let me into an embrace again, and this time, he was relaxing. Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako dahil gumagaan na ang pakiramdaman niya. I was rubbing his back while waiting for him to fully relax.
"Ano ba ang nakalimutan mo?" bigla kong tanong habang yakap niya pa rin ako. "Did you already go to get it? Or should we get it together?" dagdag ko. Kumalas muli ang yakap namin at tuluyan ng nagkaroon ng distansya sa aming pagitan.
Roshan just fixed my hair that seemed to get tangled from his embrace. Hinintay ko na lang ang isasagot niya. His lips were forming a thin smile, while his amber orbs were devoid of spark. It is making me confused but I didn't hold onto the thought and just waited.
"After I get back, can I have a word with my wife?" he suddenly asked.
Mas lalo lamang akong napakunot dahil hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko. Even with my surging confusion, I just gave him a nod. Roshan kissed my forehead and started walking away. My lips even parted, making me feel like something was amiss.
"Roshan," I called. Tumigil naman siya kaya naglakad ako papalapit. "You didn't tell me where you and the Clovers are going. Which town was it again?" tanong ko. Bakit parang kinakabahan ako.
"I am going to Denver," he replied.
My lips parted even more. "What...? Why?" I asked.
Roshan turned around and looked at me with a subtle hint of assurance. "You told me before that I have to try talking to my Uncle with peace instead of aggression," he replied. "I forgot that was today, so I came back to personally tell you I'll be gone for a while."
"But, Annika's birthday is next week," I uttered. Panicked surged in me like a waterfall. "If you travel right now, you will miss her celebration."
"I won't," he replied. Roshan's lips formed into a thin smile, like he was just forcing himself to give me assurance. "I will come back, I promise. Isa pa, kasama namin si Blessime. You will have Napoleon, Hasan, two of the Four Clovers and Erwan to protect you and the Duchy. We will return before the day of my daughter's birthday."
Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko at niyakap na naman siya muli. This time, my embrace was tight. Hindi niya sinabi sa akin 'to kaya mas lalo lamang akong kinabahan.
"Take care," I whispered. "May pamilya kang uuwian," dagdag ko.
"I will, wife. Don't worry," he replied with assurance.
I was reluctant to let him go, but I have to. Hindi ko man alam kung bakit kailangan ngayong araw ang kanilang alis, pero panatag ang loob kong makakabalik sila agad. Denver is far, but I just hope he will keep his promise to come back before Annika's day.
It was the first time that the Duchy felt empty, or was it my heart that longed to see him. I have no choice but to direct my attention at the upcoming birthday celebration of Annika. Hinihiling ko na lamang na sana ay walang mangyaring masama sa kanila.
"Madame, may palaka sa tabi mo—-"
"Tangina!" bulyaw ni Logan ng bigla ko siyang nasapak.
"Pasensya na," paghingi ko ng paumanhin bago ko siya daluhan. Sinamaan ko na lamang ng tingin si Erwan dahil siya naman ang nagsabi na may palaka sa tabi ko kaya ang bilis din ng reaksyon kong manapak.
"Kanina ka pa nakatulala, Madame. Bawal sa buntis ang magpalunod sa iniisip at stress," sagot ni Erwan sa akin. Bigla niyang hinablot ang kamay ko palayo kay Logan at binigay sa akin ang isang maliit na bowl na may lamang grapes. "Kumain ka na lang, your grace," dagdag niya.
Napabuntong hininga ako. "Logan, ipatingin mo 'yan kay Sir Hasan, baka mamaga pa 'yan," pagpapaalala ko sa kanya. Hawak niya pa talaga ang mukha niya at napangiwi ako ng makitang bakat ang kamay ko sa mukha nito. Humingi na lamang ako muli ng pasensya bago siya tumayo.
"Ang gwapo kong mukha ay hindi na gwapo, Madame. Ang init kasi ng palad niyo," mangiyak-ngiyak niyang sabi. Naglakad na lamang siya paalis habang sinusundan ko siya ng tingin.
"Bakit mo kasi ako ginulat!" bulyaw ko kay Erwan.
"Kanina pa kita tinatawag," sagot niya. Umupo siya sa bakanteng upuan bago may nilapag na folder sa mesa. May tinuro siya na isang folder. "This is the narrative report of the Dukedom under the winter season. Total, natutunaw na ang nyebe, sumakto rin na kailangan na natin ipadala ito sa Capital. You can read them when you're free, your grace."
"Ano naman 'yang isa?" tanong ko habang nilalantakan ang prutas na binigay niya. Erwan opened it and two black envelopes were inside the folder. Napansin ko kaagad ang seal sa sobre kaya napatingin ako kay Erwan.
"A Royal Banquet," he replied while looking at me.
"And the host is the royal family?" I asked. Base kasi sa seal ay tiyak akong sa maharlika nanggaling ang sobre. Erwan just nodded to answer my question kaya napaismid ako. "We are not going to attend," dagdag ko.
"Actually, Madame. That is also what the Duke said, and the rest of the Knights agreed, too," he replied. Erwan clasped his hands and went into a deep thinking. "But, this will also be a celebration for the newly elected Lord of the States. If Napoleon wins, he needs the ducal couple as shields."
"If Napoleon wins, the plan of my clan's mutiny will not commence in Edinburgh, Erwan. 'Yon ang pinag-usapan natin lahat, hindi ba?" tanong ko. Bakas sa boses ko ang pagkairita. "I can't go out in this state, so if Roshan disagrees, why are you showing these to me?" dagdag ko.
Erwan let out a sigh. "The Duke didn't tell you about the depletion, didn't he?" he asked, making my eyebrows cross as confusion kicked in.
"What are we talking about?" I asked.
"The Duke is leading the Phoenixes and going town after town, depleting your clan's forces. His brutal and inhumane nature is spreading across Edinburgh, Madame. If he said he was just campaigning, partly that was true, but it was more than that," mahabang salaysay nito.
"What are you saying?" I asked. I almost let go of the bowl I was holding because of the shock from hearing his words.
"Noong natutulog ka pa, marami ang nagbago, Madame. He wasn't stopping, even Laphel got compromised. Hindi niya sinabi sa 'yo dahil buntis ka, at ayaw niyang nag-aalala ka. We keep this from you, but I don't think I'll keep my silence for too long," sagot ni Erwan sa akin.
"Roshan is fighting alone," I uttered in disbelief.
"Yes, he is trying his best," he replied instantly.
"At anong kinalaman ng imbitasyon na ito?" agad na tanong ko.
"We recently learned that your clan is being protected by a high position in the Imperial Court. If we attend rather than post our hostility, we might know who is the real owner of the chessboard."
I can finally see now where still is going, and why Erwan is seeking my support instead of the Duke. I have been clueless about his whereabouts because I was fooled. I thought it was just campaigns. Even Blessime didn't tell when the fuck did they join alliance.
Para akong napag-iwanan. Pero hindi 'yon ang nararamdaman ko. If Roshan is depleting the forces on his own on behalf of me, it also means that he was uncovering something connected to this pursuit.
"Erwan," I uttered. I settled my gaze at him, having his full attention fixed on mine. "Does Roshan know who he is against?" I asked.
Hindi agad sumagot si Erwan sa sinabi ko. I let him think, although I don't like letting him plan an excuse. Pero base sa tingin ni Erwan sa akin, parang inaalala niya kung may sinabi ba si Roshan sa kanya dati.
"I heard him talk to Napoleon," he replied after a while. "He said he was going to bring justice to Annabelle's death. That is also why he is protecting Napoleon and bringing him here."
"Do you think he already found out the real truth about it?" tanong ko. Umusbong ang kaba sa aking sistema at kahit gusto kong agad siyang sumagot ay kailangan kong maghintay. Humihigpit ang hawak ko sa bowl dahil sa tensyon.
"He just said Moore Clan has something to do with it," he replied.
Umiwas na ako ng tingin at napatahimik. I shouldn't have come back. Dapat kasi tinapos ko na lang lahat bago bumalik. Dapat hindi na kami nagkita at dapat tumakas na lang sana kami noong dumating sila.
I felt fear entering my system. Nanghihina ako dahil sa narinig ko. Parang hanggang ngayon, gusto ko na lang tumakbo nang tumakbo hanggang wala na akong makitang nakasunod sa akin.
"Your grace, are you okay?" Erwan asked.
"Kailangan ko munang bumalik sa kwarto ko," saad ko. Agad akong tumayo at nilandas ang second floor ng bahay. Hindi ko na hinintay ang gustong sabihin ni Erwan at derederetso lang ako ng lakad.
When I got in, I locked the door and went towards the edge of the bed and sat there. Dala ko pa rin ang bowl pero nabitawan ko na ito ng makaupo ako. If Roshan continues on killing Moores, he must have reasons aside from doing it for me.
If he continues, he will know who killed her.
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