Last night, Karlyle didn't sleep in the same room as Ash. It was something he had never imagined. And predictably, the results were terrible. Karlyle didn't sleep a wink all night. He couldn't fall asleep.
It felt as if all his dignity and rationale had hit rock bottom, everything went out of his reach. He thought he was more confident than anyone else in keeping his poker face and his composure, but a fight with Ash had left him a mess. A fight that started due to his own foolishness, no less.
A fight with Ash...
Not only that, he even knocked Ash's hand away. He had always desired Ash's touch, but then he pushed him away. It seemed too preposterous to be true, but it's reality: he did push Ash away.
It was awkward being together so up until it came time to see the guests off yesterday, Karlyle didn't stay by Ash's side. Seeing how their attitudes were completely different from the previous day, everyone seemed to have noticed something. Ron the Omega, who said he had given Hazel Ash's number, looked at them nervously before going home. Natalie sent Karlyle an anxious look, then exchanged a few words with Ash. It was obvious that Karlyle had ruined the party's ending, so his self-blame reached its peak at this moment.
The housewarming party, which should have ended pleasantly, was a failure, and he told Ash that he didn't want to talk. The atmosphere in the mansion was the worst. He felt like he was choking on desolate air. Originally, after the party, they were supposed to go to Whipsnade, Bedfordshire, not far from London. Ash had suggested that they go to Whipsnade Zoo, which was famous for releasing animals on a large site.
So naturally, because of the current situation, the plan has been inevitably delayed. They mutually and tacitly agreed to postpone the event, and with a downtrodden, depressed heart, Karlyle thinks the day he goes to the zoo with Ash may never come.
The shock subsides a bit in the evening. Much to his surprise, he still has no appetite. Ash's words linger in his ears, saying he and Hazel were not like that. Now that he has had time to dwell on things more, it occurs to him that maybe the rumors he heard of marriage and bonding were untrue.
Still, the fact that all of Ash's acquaintances mentioned Hazel in the presence of Karlyle was not pleasant. It is natural for chit-chats and stories to come up at a gathering like that, but it doesn't change the fact that Karlyle has heard what they said. What bothered him was how important, how vital Hazel seemed to be to Ash, to the point that everyone naturally saw them as two peas in a pod.
After dating Ash, he has come to realize how difficult and complicated it is to maintain a relationship that is going well. He doesn't want to fight, but he is also unfamiliar with himself getting angry like that. Perhaps it's because this is his first relationship, nothing is going his way.
From one to ten, what to fix now? All he knows is that he doesn't want this situation to go on any longer. And after staying up all night poring over the situation and soothing his nerves, he knows he has to talk to Ash.
As soon as the sun rises, Karlyle sits down at his desk. The immutable, dark ebony looks particularly black today. He should organize what to say to Ash. He takes out a sheet of white paper. The hand holding a fountain pen writes neatly on the paper.
Number 1. First, he wants to apologize for being rude and for having pushed Ash away. After that, he'll ask what kind of relationship he had with Hazel.... But then what should he say after hearing the answer?
As he plots down his points, Karlyle is confronted again with his selfish self. He wants to be the most precious person to Ash. He wants to be his most precious person both in the past and in the present. Karlyle had never desired to take Kyle's place as the head of the family, and had always been completely satisfied with fulfilling his minor role. But with Ash, Karlyle feels so greedy it startled him-he wants to be Ash's first. He desperately wants to be the first and only one in Ash's life, not the second one after someone else.
He has to ask Ash whether he is qualified to be that person to him. What do you think of me? Do you see me as someone you can build a future with someday?
If he is allowed, he hopes to give Ash unforgettable beautiful memories, on par with the wonderful gifts and experiences Ash has given him. But Karlyle fears he has already dropped the ball on that one-isn't it contradictory to ask of such a thing when the tension is already so tangible they could practically touch it? It's entirely possible that Ash is fed up with him already, what with how shamefully he behaved yesterday.
His brain is a mess. He puts his fountain pen down. Rubbing the paper with his index finger, he slowly gets up and walks out of his room. He hadn't noticed it while he was immersed in his thoughts, but it's already past 10 o'clock. Somehow, there is cool sunlight filling the hallway and the whole house streaming through the front window. On what should have been a pleasant holiday, Karlyle has to face a lonely morning without Ash's warmth. That fact creates an unbearable loneliness in his heart.
With quiet steps, Karlyle makes his way to their bedroom. Looking at the open door, something warm spreads inside his chest, a longing singing in his heart, so profound he can't hide it any longer. He misses Ash so much that he doesn't know how he dared push him away. If he doesn't say he loves Ash right away, he is afraid that something bad will happen.
He pushes the door open hastily. But the bed is empty. The room is quiet.
Looking at the large, lonely and empty bed, his eyes narrow. He immediately turns around and strides downstairs to Ash's studio, nervous.
Ash isn't even in the studio. Karlyle stands at the door and looks inside for a moment, then he starts searching the entire house. Impatience strikes through his heart like a needle. His pulse beats erratically.
Karlyle parses through all the rooms, bathrooms and utility rooms before going down to the kitchen. It is then that he finds a note. His hands, which have been shaking with his anxiety, slowly steady when he sees it. There is breakfast on a wooden tray with a note on it. Well-roasted beans, mashed potatoes and French toast with seperate syrup. Topped off with a small salad and half-cooked egg in an egg cup.
His fingers are tingling. His lips pressed tight together, he walks into the kitchen. On the note is Ash's neat handwriting. It looks beautiful like a picture.
'I need to go to work for a while. Can you eat some even if you have no appetite? You didn't eat anything yesterday. If you feel a little better, I hope you can listen to my story. I love you.'
It's strange. It's just a handwritten note, but there's a gulf of emotion that lies beyond that. He touches the corner of the note tenderly and turns his eyes to the tray, eyes stinging.
His heart sinks with regret. Karlyle pulls out his chair silently, sits down, straightens his back, and picks up the fork. Then, without wasting a moment, he slowly shoves all the things Ash has made, one by one, into his mouth.
He eats because Ash wants him to eat, of course. But he is also grateful that despite everything, Ash is always thinking of him, and still cooks for him. Karlyle quietly polished off the set, leaving not so much as a crumb behind.
But after lunchtime, Ash still hasn't come back. Has his work been prolonged? Today is Monday but it's also a holiday, so he doesn't think there would be so much work at the company. Karlyle contemplates doing his work, but instead decides he will wait obediently for Ash. There's no way he can get anything done in this state.
He sits in the living room right near the entrance so that he can see Ash as soon as he enters. But even after a while, there is no sign of Ash's car outside. Nevertheless, like an obedient pet, Karlyle looks outside, sitting still and waiting patiently.
Eventually, by 4 P.M, Karlyle comes to the decision that he should go directly to Ash's company. He tries to reason that it's because it's so late, but the reality is that he can't stand missing Ash so much, plain and simple.
It's only been a little over a day, they haven't seen each other properly at their home for just one day, but he feels as if they have been apart for years. Maybe it's because he has had a fight with Ash for the first time. The loneliness keeps creeping in his heart. Unable to bear that feeling, Karlyle leaves the house.
----------
London during the holidays is quieter than usual. The sunlight scatters over the concrete road like grains of sand. Looking at couples passing by on the street through the car window, Karlyle accelerates. He has always strictly followed the speed regulations on the road, but today he breaks it.
Thanks to the lack of road congestion, Karlyle arrives at Covent Garden fairly quickly, then parks the car haphazardly at some random place. Covent Garden, which is always crowded, is quiet today. Ash's company is the same.
Since it's a holiday, there is no one in the lobby. The door is open but the reception desk is empty so Karlyle hesitates for a moment before deciding to come in. Ash's personal office is on the fifth floor. He goes to the elevator.
But despite hisurgency, the elevator rises frustratingly slow. After what feels like a millennium, the number indicating the floor changes to 5, and the door opens. Karlyle immediately looks around. There's no one in the hallway. Ash's studio is separated from the corridor by a glass wall. Scanning through a row of desks and large monitors, Karlyle soon sees two men standing in the center of the wide floor.
And he can recognize them at once. There is one person he has never met before, but in his heart he knows instantly who it is.
Ash is talking to the man. His back is turned, and Karlyle can't see his face clearly, and he's bathed in sunlight so bright that it hurts his eyes. However, he can see the face of the man standing on the side looking up at Ash.
At a glance, the man looks vulnerable in the sort of way that begs protection. His figure, smaller and more delicate than Karlyle's, matches the beautiful Omega archetype that society depicts. His neck is white, straight and thin. And his hair is a lovely sweet brown color just like his name.
He can tell that the man is a great beauty from his side profile alone. The man's height is perfect for him to bury his face in Ash's chest as they embrace. Standing still, Karlyle stares at them talking.
Is this why Ash went to the company?
Then he remembers Ron said that he had given Hazel Ash's number. John's words saying that "Wouldn't it be okay since it's Ash?" doesn't seem far off at all. Ash has answered the call from his former lover, who took all of his firsts. Even though he has Karlyle.
It only takes a few seconds for a whole novel's worth of unpleasant scenarios to flash through his head. Although Ash loves him, it's possible Ash still has lingering feelings for Hazel, perhaps Ash will soon get tired of him and his ugly attitude, and whether. And then Ash will choose Hazel again. His blood runs cold in an instant.
Having been explaining something desperately, the man reaches his hand out towards Ash's face. As soon as that hand is about to touch Ash's cheek, Karlyle turns away. He doesn't want to see it. He doesn't have the confidence to endure seeing his Ash being touched by someone else.
He jams the elevator button. This time, the door opens quickly. He goes inside without looking back. Hearing the door close, he turns around. Then he presses the button to the lobby floor.
The disturbing images hiding somewhere in his mind once again erode him. Ash said that Karlyle was the reason he decided to date Alphas. But no matter how you look at it-logically a life with another alpha is simply unfeasible. Karlyle can neither relieve the symptoms of his rut nor take his bite and imprint. As long as Karlyle is an alpha, he will never be able to give Ash what he needs.
He looks at the reflection of his face on the elevator door. Never in his life has he looked so pathetic as he does today. The door opens. Karlyle gets out of the elevator mechanically. His steps are slow.
However, just before leaving the company, Karlyle remembers something important he has forgotten. It's what Ash said during his first rut with Karlyle.
Ash said Karlyle was the first one he knotted.
He stops. If Ash loved Hazel so much, imprinted him and wanted to marry him, wouldn't he have already knotted Hazel before? Condoms for Alphas are made in preparation for unexpected knotting, so even if you want to use contraception, there are chances that knotting happens. But Ash did not knot.
Pausing in his tracks, Karlyle looks ahead. His hesitation doesn't go away easily, it makes him waver. But Karlyle manages to turn around and go back to the company. He doesn't want Ash to be taken by someone else like this. Ash is his.
Ash is the only thing Karlyle has. The only thing he wants to have.
He can't let Ash be taken away. Even if parts of Ash's heart for him has gone, if Karlyle somehow clings on to him, Ash won't leave him, right? Karlyle is prepared to do whatever it takes to keep Ash by his side. His pride or keeping face don't matter.
Ash is everything to him.
Karlyle runs back to the elevator and quickly presses the button. However, the elevator does not open right away. Its number stops at 5. Then, soon after, it starts to decrease one by one.
Karlyle frowns slightly. The slow-changing number soon marks L. Then the door slides open. Behind the open door, Ash is standing there with a hardened expression. Beside him is the man at his studio just now. He can feel the sweet scent of Omega. Seeing the two of them looking like a pair just by standing together, something inside him breaks apart, but at the same time, something else burns red-hot. He doesn't want Ash to be next to that person.
"Did you come all the way here just to leave?"