By mistaking another person’s back for Karlyle’s, it looks like his symptoms have gotten a little worse. When he saw the back in a suit similar to Karlyle’s, his footsteps had stopped. The projects are in the completion phase so the time immersing in thoughts has gradually increased. Till the end, it is too hard to concentrate. Mackenzie notices it without difficulty.
“I sent you to rest for 3 days, how come you have gotten worse?”
Raising her eyebrows, Mackenzie asks Ash, who is looking outside. They are in Ash’s office. Hearing her voice, Ash quickly relaxes his expression. Then he laughs.
“It’s just there’s a lot of work.”
“Even when the schedule is more severe, you have never been like this.”
“Must be because I’m old now.”
“Am I supposed to die then?”
Is that so? Ash smiles and apologizes. Furrowing her forehead like a piece of paper, Mackenzie sits down at Ash’s desk.
“I’ll just give you a vacation. You’ve finished all the important things anyway.”
“I’m fine.”
“But I’m not fine. Seeing you like this tires me out. What’s wrong? Are you feeling lonely?”
Ash makes a strange expression. He looks at Mackenzie quietly and shrugs.
“You know there are a lot of people around wanting me to introduce them to you, right? Choose from there.”
“Is that so?”
Seeing him asked with a soft smile, Mackenzie pulls out her phone. Looks like she is fully ready. It feels like he’s being forced.
“When you are single, all kinds of rumors run around the studio. There is no one with you for about a year, so people are lining up. Speaking of which, is Olivia no good? She has a good personality and she’s been in love with you for quite a while.”
Putting the chin on his hand, Ash smiles with his eyes wide open. Emotions cannot be one-sided. There is no reason to accept someone just because they like him. His smiling eyes turn to the outside of the window again. Then a question pops up in his mind.
“How about one of my acquaintances…”
If he had asked Karlyle what he wanted to ask…
“... Maybe this isn’t your taste? Then…”
And if Karlyle answered that question…
If so, would he accept Karlyle? Perhaps, maybe. But there is one thing he isn’t sure about. He doesn’t know if the feelings he has for Karlyle can be called love.
Ash’s love always starts with a certain intense attraction, just like when he first saw Nick. But he doesn’t feel that way with Karlyle. Maybe because of the bad first impression, he is not sure. It is totally different from the love Ash knows.
In Ash’s life, love is always accompanied by something passionate. As a child, Ash has learned how to love from his mother.
Sophia was a lively person with colorful emotions. She had dark chestnut brown hair and bright blue eyes. Ash, Natalie, and everyone who knew her loved Sophia. Maybe his father was like that, too.
According to Nat, their mother and father were not like that at the beginning. Nat, who is eight years older than Ash, recalled that even before Ash’s birth, mother and father had had frequent quarrels. That is all Nat knows. A child had no way to know why their parents didn’t get along. Everything has changed since Ash was born.
His father’s eyes are brown. His mother’s eyes are blue. However, the eyes of the newly born late child have one gray and one blue. His father regarded it as evidence of an affair. He suspected that this is the child of the man whom his mother loved a long time ago and maybe she was still in love with him then.
In his father’s eyes, Ash is nothing. As the child grew older, he began to have a soft appearance similar to that of Phillip Gordon. Because of that, his doubt had become even more certain.
Sophia consistently said that Ash’s eyes were a very pale blue. She also said that she loved his father and Phillip Gordon was just a good friend. Ever since she got married, she had never met Phillip in private. Those were what his mother had been trying to persuade his father. He still remembers all those things.
“Shane, I love you.”
When they fought, Ash would open the door and watch them silently. The mother saying I love you looked so tired, and the father denying it also looked so painful.
But the suspicion inside his father had become a disease. Once it had broken out, it would split the heart and erode the soul. His father wasn’t able to get out of that disease.
“Then throw that painting away!”
“But Shane, that’s… that is the painting that has greatly comforted me when my mother passed away. Shane, I…”
Their quarrel always ended with the painting given to his mother as a gift. Phillip Gordon was an outstanding artist. The man was handsome and even noble. He had endless money in his hands.
There was talk that they would have gotten married if his mother had not loved his father. But Gordon had a family-appointed fiancee, and while Gordon was dealing with it, Sophia suffered a lot. That was when she met his father. Love bloomed between them like that.
Everyone knew that the main character in the painting was his mother. The overflowing purple and blue really matched Sophia. But the painting has a secret. It is a secret that only Ash and Sophia know.
“Do you know, sweetheart, my dear Bonbon. Actually, the me in the painting was the me when I met your father. Phillip gave me this and tried to get me back to him. I appreciated it. But look over there.”
Following Sophia’s finger, the child raised his eyes. He could see the flowing of love in the painting.
Ash loves his mother so much. He loves the kind woman who always smiled in front of him, even when she was having a quarrel with his father. He loves the caring mother who swore that she would love him no matter what. Ash wants to be a person like her. A caring and strong person, always showing a smile at his loved ones.
Even in the eyes of a child, the painting shone beautifully.
“The reason I’m smiling is because I’m looking forward to building a beautiful future with Shane.”
Cupping the cheeks of her child and calling him Candy, Sophia said.
“You are me and Shane’s child. I’m happy. Shane is hurt. Yes, that’s what it is, Ash. It’s mom’s fault. When your loved one grieves, there must be a reason. I’ll try to fix it. So, Ash, don’t worry. I’m happy with you and Natalie.”
And Sophia did really try to fix things. She never stopped trying until she died. One week before she died, Sophia had collapsed.
His father had an affair.
The man himself was suffering, but he still tried to be confident. He told Sophia to feel the same pain. His mother Sophia had a very hard time putting up with it.
Every night when Ash fell asleep, she would go to the sofa and cry. Her small shoulders with round curves shook painfully. Looking out the window, she buried her face in her hands. Then, when Ash came in, her pale face with traces of tears would smile at him.
“Are you there, my Bonbon?”
Ash hated his father for making his mother cry, but he decided not to hate him because his mother loved him so much. So he tried not to show sadness in front of his mother.
The day his mother died, Ash was there. An unexpected and unforeseeable death. Terror happened frequently in London. And Sophia was caught in that unfortunate trap.
Hearing her son saying that he wanted to paint, Sophia took Ash’s hand and went out to buy art supplies. Sophia met Phillip there.
It was just a coincidence. Because the place Sophia knew was the place Phillip often went to. They shared some certain memories there.
And Ash witnessed true love that day.
Suicide bombs went off everywhere. Subways and buses were blown up, sweeping people on the roads away. Something collapsed with a big roar. Black smoke and painful heat emanated from the right side.
Phillip snatched him up first. Seeing the roof of a bus which was about to crash down on them, Sophia immediately rushed there. Pushing them out, Sophia called someone’s name.
His father thought it was Gordon’s name. But Ash could remember his mother’s blue eyes looking right at him. What she was trying to protect was the child of the man she loved.
Sophia’s small and soft body was caught in the heat. Her beautiful skin turned red and burned to black. Sophia died with broken bones everywhere.
Instead of mourning for her death, his father cleared everything that had to do with her. He left no traces of her behind, even her most cherished painting.
The love Ash knows is that intense. Gordon worried about the son of the woman he loved more than his own safety, and Sophia laid down her life for the child of the man she loved.
Ash knows why his mother couldn’t throw the painting away. She wanted to keep the moment she fell in love with his father. Above all else, those emotions shone brightly and beautifully. Whenever looking at the painting, she must have tried not to be eaten away by sadness and unhappiness.
Everything that makes up the painting is love. Even the name of the artist Phillip Whitewood. Whitewood is the first place Phillip and Sophia met.
Ash has grown up well. His father completely ignored him, but Nat, supported by their grandparents from their mother’s side since an early age, has become independent and taken Ash with her. His sister is his second mother.
Learning how to love from their mother, Natalie has raised Ash with the same love. Maybe that’s why he is able to grow up well. Having a lovely family, Ash has become a person who knows how to love.
So Ash isn’t sure what he thinks of Karlyle. If he calls it love, then it’s too different from the love he knows. Moreover, Karlyle’s personality is the type that Ash often avoids.
Ash has a hard time with people who hide their true feelings. It feels like seeing the scene of his mother and father again, and it also reminds him of his first love, when he was betrayed. All of those elements have made him avoid that kind of person.
Come to think of it now, even if the other person is not the type to hide feelings…
“Are you listening to me?”
Mackenzie, who is talking nonstop, cuts off his thoughts. Ash smiles and shakes his head.
“No.”
“...It’s been a while since I’ve seen such a pathetic sight.”
“I’m a little tired these days.”
Ash admits. Rubbing his eyebrows, he sighs softly. He frowns and looks out of the window again. Even though there is nothing outside, his eyes keep looking out there. Just like his mother used to do.
“What the hell is going on?”
Ash is silent for a moment. Mackenzie can be trusted. Ash’s private affairs is a topic of discussion, especially within the company, so he has to hide it to some extent.
Even when he once had an office relationship, both sides suffered a lot from the aftermath after breaking up. Everyone around knew their story.
It’s okay for him to be the topic of discussion. It’s something he has been through all his life. But he doesn’t like it when the other person has to suffer from it.
“Well.”
But Mackenzie is a nice person.
“Don’t be shy, tell me. You know my mouth is shut, right?
“Right. That’s why you show my pictures everywhere…”
“It’s on your social media! If you don’t like it, why don’t you keep them private? It’s not hard to find one in the world these days. Don’t you remember when we looked through client accounts?”
He pretends to agree. Seeing him nodding and rubbing his chin, Mackenzie gently urges him.
“Just say it and this senior of yours will give you advice on your concern, huh? You won’t be able to get this for free anywhere.”
Nice effort, Ash eventually has to open his mouth. Actually, he wants to share his feelings a little bit. He doesn’t want to make time to meet a close acquaintance because of this story, but Mackenzie in front of him wouldn’t be bad.
When it comes to dating and love, he thought he knew them well, but there has never been a case where there is no answer as much as this time.
“Someone seems to like me…”
“I knew it!”
Ash raises an eyebrow. Mackenzie closes her mouth and waves her hand.
“If a person suddenly asks to stop meeting, what do you think is the reason?”
“Is this your story?”
Ash looks at Mackenzie again. Mackenzie shakes her head quickly. At times like this, sometimes he is confused about who is the senior here.
“Let’s see… maybe because it’ll be difficult if they continue meeting?
“For example?”
“Things like this happen often. First of all, it depends on the person’s personality. For instance, a kid like you would say I love you no matter what the situation is. But if it were me… well, maybe I would step back because I wasn’t sure whether you’ll accept me?”
Slowly rubbing his chin, Ash lowers his gaze. There is one thing in Mackenzie’s words that bothers him.
Before asking to stop seeing each other, Karlyle had asked a question. Did he? It was a small voice asking for confirmation. He seemed to have overheard Mikaila and Susan questioning their relationship.
But in that situation, Ash couldn’t find anything strange. To be exact, Ash and Karlyle have no relationship. The relationship between them is not defined in any way.
They are not friends, they are not just acquaintances, they are not lovers. They are not even dating.
If he let rumors about Karlyle circulate here and there, wouldn’t it be rude to Karlyle? Moreover, Ash was still trying to confirm his heart about Karlyle.
Only when that is defined can their relationship change.
“I’m not sure…”
He hardens his mouth. His mind is intricately tangled. He cannot make out Karlyle’s intentions at all.
The moment Karlyle said he didn't want any unnecessary feelings to arise in this relationship still remains unforgettable in Ash's mind. The expressionless face was so determined, as if there was not a slightest tremor at Ash's actions.
But that man... still has a vulnerable side.
Karlyle's crying face pops into his mind. His heart felt suffocated to the point of throbbing pain. Red cheeks and red eyes are clearly depicted. Karlyle's voice choked up in his ears, asking why he kept referring to other Alphas. His heart sank when a line of tears streaming from the cold gray eyes and rolling over Karlyle's cheeks. So painful and lovely.
Yes... so lovely.
And then suddenly another thought comes to his mind. There's no way to know what Karlyle is thinking. Then isn't it important what Ash himself thinks of Karlyle?
Can we really move on?
Or was it just a one-time thing?
It doesn’t seem like a one-time thing at all. He keeps chasing the man’s back. It is difficult to concentrate on work. And it doesn’t seem like this symptom will go away until he meets Karlyle again.
He has made the decision. The problem is not that difficult to fix and free his mind. Not sure if Karlyle wants to see him again, but Ash thinks he deserves at least one more meeting.
“I’ll call you later.”
“Is that how you say thanks to the senior who solved your problem by just a few words?”
“Thanks.”
Replying half-heartedly, Ash quickly opens the phonebook on his cell phone. Then he finds the saved name and presses the call button.
The time is five o’clock in the afternoon. Chances are that the other person won’t pick up. Karlyle has said the end words with determination, and some time has passed since then.
[... The number you are dialing now is a non-existent number. Please confirm the number and call again…]
What, not this kind of situation.
Ash blinks. He looks down at his phone with puzzled eyes. He slowly raises his hand and rubs his lips. Then he hangs up the phone. He checks the number again. Karlyle’s number is correct. Until a month ago, they still exchanged calls and texts through this number without any problems.
But when he calls again, it is the same woman’s voice. Hearing the voice saying that this is an unused number, Ash laughs faintly. A feeling that is difficult to define rises up.
“Mac.”
“Hm?”
Calling Mackenzie who is looking at him with a serious expression, Ash stands up.
“I have to go out for a bit.”
“Right now?”
“Please check the mock-up for me. Sorry.”
Ash says, grabbing his coat and car keys. Mackenzie is about to say that the employer and employee’s positions have changed when she sees the look on his face. Then she nods simply.
“I don’t know what happened… but go and take care of it well.”
Ash smiles. A certain impatience that is unfamiliar to him seems to overwhelm.
Without time to answer, Ash leaves the building. He puts the car key in, steps on the accelerator and drives towards the road he remembers. His black Range Rover heads off to Karlyle’s mansion.
Arriving at the destination, the mansion in Hampstead Health is empty. Karlyle is not there.
What greets Ash is the sign saying the sale has been completed. Staring at the broker’s name and number written on it, Ash stops.
In a moment, his head goes blank. As if he has just been hit on the head by something.
Stopping the car, Ash grabs the steering wheel. He blinks while looking ahead. Slowly, the heat rises from the inside. His hands holding the handle gradually clench. His long fingers stiffen, veins stand up on the back of his hands.
He can’t believe things would happen this far.
Ha, he lets out a small laugh. Ruffling his hair, Ash closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them. His mind is numb. As if witnessing an unbelievable scene, Ash quietly stares to the front.
It’s like there is something boiling stuck to the tip of this throat. His internal organs are burning hot. He is angry, and confused. However, above all else is a great sense of uncontrollable loss.
Not being able to contact is totally different from not being able to meet even after contacting. Just like the day he realized that he would never be able to see his mother again, a great sadness floods over him. Even though he hasn’t entangled that deeply with Karlyle.
Karlyle has always done things beyond Ash’s expectations. The pretty red eyes, the appearance of asking him to stay, and the quiet figure standing and looking at Ash’s back, Ash has never expected those things would come from Karlyle.
He thought he was getting to know more about Karlyle, but in fact he knew nothing. Ash Jones knows nothing about Karlyle Frost. His words, saying that they have no relationship, are ridiculously correct. He doesn’t know anything about the man.
But… Ash knows one thing.
Yes, he knows that Karlyle is a very lovely person. Whoever Karlyle really is will not change this fact. It has already been engraved in Ash’s eyes.
He wants to know more about Karlyle. Before, he thought their relationship was not that suitable yet, so he didn’t ask. He wants to ask what Karlyle was thinking, why he looked at him like that, why he acted like that. Ash will patiently wait for his answers. As long as Karlyle allows, he wants to listen to the other person’s heart.
Ash acted like he was treating the person he liked, but those actions were not right. Maybe, Ash himself has vaguely distorted this relationship. Karlyle is the type of person Ash has never met before, that’s why he is Ash Jones’s only exception.
He quietly rubs his lips and taps the handle. With a thoughtful face, he looks ahead for a long time, pondering. There is a way to find Karlyle. The question is whether Karlyle wants it.
Normally, he will not do something the opponent doesn’t like. He doesn’t want to force other people’s emotions that way. Not sure if Karlyle wants to see him now. But he will not know until he meets Karlyle again.
The sky, which is tinged with a faint orange color, suddenly becomes dark. After thinking for a while, Ash picks up his phone.
Karlyle’s image is drawn over and over again in front of his eyes. Under the bright sunlight, Karlyle stood there alone among all the people walking along the street smiling. His well-groomed face looked somewhat lonely, it was captured in Ash’s eyes and made him come back.
His heart aches.
Ash squints his eyes slightly, brushing off his hesitation. Taking out his wallet, he hardens his lips and finds some business cards. Among them is Nick’s business card.
It feels strange to be the first to contact someone he thought he would never contact again. The signal doesn’t ring long before the opponent answers.
[This is Nicholas White… Ash?]
“Nick.”
After letting out a long sigh, Ash says calmly.
“I have something to ask.”
After a moment’s pause, Nick answers.
[I’m listening.]
“Can you help me see Karlyle one more time?”
“Uhm...”
With a voice that seems a little worried, Nick whispers softly as if telling some secrets.
[I think it’ll be difficult if I’m the one asking to meet. Because of things. Maybe it’ll be possible if I ask Kyle…]
“Please, Nick.”
[It’s my responsibility for making you two meet, so I want to do something, too. But…]
A brief silence follows. Seems like he has made up his mind, Nick says firmly.
[Do you remember where my house is?]
“The mansion in Russell Square?”
“Yes. Just come here for now.”
Ash slightly rubs his forehead. He remembers having the address before. But it was erased at some point. Maybe when he deleted all of Nick’s text messages that he had been keeping for over half a year.
“Then, can you send me the address one more time? I remember the way, but just in case.”
[Of course.]
Maybe it was the day Karlyle coldly said harsh words and made him clean up his relationship with Nick. That day, Ash erased all of Nick’s text messages. He erased everything. Having this business card left was unintentional, but it’s good in this situation.
He can barely breathe after finishing the call. His heart aches, he wants to meet Karlyle right away. His quiet figure standing alone doesn’t fade away at all, instead, it begins to dazzle his eyes.
After one last glance at the empty house, Ash starts the engine.