This chapter will never not be painful 🥺
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Karlyle arrives home at 5:30 P.M. Mayam asks him how he is and he says he is fine. When asked what happened to the guest's arrival, he replies that the meeting was canceled, and there is no need to put out the refreshments that have been prepared.
He comes out of the bathroom a little after 6 o'clock. After that, he reads the schedule sent by the secretary and works until midnight. He reviews items that need approval and reinforces all ongoing projects.
Karlyle lays down in bed and closes his eyes at 1 o'clock in the morning. But he cannot sleep. The things he has consciously tried to suppress in his head come flowing out, spreading over and sticking to his whole body like a malady. He breaks into a cold sweat. His complexion turns pale. And a severe stomachache. It seems twisted and squeezed inside.
Taking a long sigh, he sits up in bed. Since he doesn't experience debilitating symptoms frequently, there is no prepared medicine. But it seems the root of his sickness runs deeper than the pain scorching his blood and bones. It's all because he is inadequate.
When the pain subsides a little, Karlyle leaves the room and walks down the hallway. He pads down the stairs quietly. The silence in the mansion, where he lives alone, has become incomparably huge and heavy.
Stepping into the darkness makes him feel like he is drowning in a swamp. Karlyle goes down the stairs and stands in front of the painting in the living room.
The painting dyed in the moonlight leaking from the terrace is still so beautiful even in this situation. Karlyle reaches out. Rubbing the frame with his fingers, Karlyle recalls what happened today.
Like a person who has committed an unintended act, a deep regret arises. It is an impulsive remark that doesn't fit Karlyle, and at the same time a defense mechanism.
In over 30 years of living, Karlyle Frost has never shared his inner thoughts or been sincere to anyone. It's not just a symptom of his education, but because he knows intimately well how painful it is to be rejected.
Karlyle has had several similar experiences as a child, including an incident where his mother dismissed his efforts to prepare a family dinner as a waste of time (this has been shown in the webtoon, his mom rejected his duck confit).
He is inexperienced in overcoming hurt, and it's left him dull and solemn. That's because it doesn't happen often. Becoming emotional so easily is a sign of weakness, that is the family's discipline over generations. Things like earnestness and affection have their place in the outside world, but not in the Frost family.
Moreover, Karlyle has never gone through the experience of being rejected with such vivid, painful and mournful feelings. If Ash had directly rejected him on that day, he might probably be...
Karlyle stands looking down at the painting for a long time. Though his heart was torn asunder, he's gone numb now. He's bled dry. The flesh was rendered and his bones exposed, and now he's hit a platitude where he can't feel anything at all. Karlyle repetitively reminds himself that,
He'll be fine.
He has lived a long time without Ash Jones. It's just that it was the first time seeing the light outside his gilded cage, he was fascinated by the beautiful sight, but it's okay. A man cannot have everything he wants. Karlyle has always lived a life not being able to own important things and can only get the other small useless things.
So he will endure.
Without certainty or confidence, Karlyle tells himself. The image of Ash's placid face, piercing right through him as he ended their relationship appears in his mind anyways. Karlyle sequesters it. He knows he can never be the same again, but he will move forward.
Karlyle stays up all night looking at the painting. His body sinks into the sofa, heavy and lethargic like he's descending into a pit of quicksand. Seeing the sun rising early in the morning, Karlyle stands up. Then again, he starts his daily routine as he did in the past without Ash.
Time passes unbearably slow. Like walking on a forcibly stretched axis of time, the things around him trudge on heavily and slowly.
His stomach pains come intermittently, making it hard to fall asleep. But he'd rather not sleep. Instead, he increases his working hours. If he focuses on the family business, all the things related to Ash somehow become a distant blur, so he dives into his work with more voracity than ever before.
During this time, he has one habit. Whenever he receives a call from his personal cell phone, the one he shared so much idle chatter with Ash on-he can't help but anticipate a call that isn't coming.
A day passes, a week passes, during that whole week, Karlyle waits for contact from a certain someone, despite his efforts to forget.
The longing reaches its peak when his rut period every 3 weeks comes. Based on the last experience, Karlyle decides to take the inhibitor to stave off his next rut.
He cannot bear the thought of meeting someone else to relieve himself. Just the mere thought of touching other people makes him nauseous.
When meeting Luther to get the inhibitor, Luther quickly notices his insomnia and gastritis. Dryly accepting the prescription, Karlyle says that he just has a lot to worry about.
Luther initially refuses to give him such a large quantity of inhibitors, but eventually surrenders when Karlyle says he will find another doctor to get it. He can't understand why Luther is so concerned.
He is not sick. Really, it's not a big deal. There is nothing for Luther to worry about.
It's just... he just needs some time.
Without Ash, the rut is more painful than expected. His body constantly longs for the other Alpha's pheromones. The stagnant heat in his belly, longing for Ash , can't be tamed with any palliatives. Sleeping pills do not work. After forcing down several pills, Karlyle throws his face into the toilet and vomits.
His head is spinning. He cannot figure out what to do right now. Staggering to his feet, he grabs his cell phone. The whole house is filled with traces of Ash. An unbearable impulse floods inside. With a trembling hand, Karlyle dials the number he had memorized a long time ago.
The dial tone rings for a long time. Ash doesn't answer the phone. Only after hanging up does Karlyle realize how shameless he's been. To seek Ash out after the way he ended things. Instead of calling again, Karlyle buries his face in the sheet and endures.
I miss you.
So.
Much.
He misses him so much he's suffocating with it. It's scary to feel so empty, like the place Ash had occupied in his heart has been cored out. His eyelids tremble. Letting out a shallow breath, Karlyle opens up his phone. He scrolls through Ash's texts he couldn't bring himself to erase.
The cute smiling emoticon, the words telling him to come and meet him, the text messages to set the time and place for their meetings, the call log with barely 10 calls...
Karlyle reads all the casual texts, all the simple things that he has memorized since long ago and engraves them in his head. Gradually, he closes his eyes, trying to erase them. But he can't sear the image of the Alpha he loves from his retinas.
Ash's smile is everywhere. The soft, woody tones in his scent, Ash is everywhere in Karlyle's breathing space. It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that Karlyle can barely keep himself standing.
The dark corridors, the living room with the piano, the kitchen, signs of Ash linger everywhere. Despair reverberates in his chest. Passing the painting, Karlyle feels a helpless laugh bursting from his aching breast.
It's because of a sudden relief in his mind. He thinks... Kyle is lucky to be happy with Nicholas. Kyle is so amazing, so strong, to endure those painful feelings for so long before finally being able to be with Nicholas. This three-week love has already left Karlyle this devastated, he cannot imagine how agonized Kyle had been watching Nicholas meet and love others all his life. His younger brother is truly a different breed. Karlyle wouldn't have been able to last so much as a day.
So this situation right now is trivial. He has to endure. His pain is nothing. Love entails loss. Karlyle can't even guess what he has lost, in the end, all the pain he feels is only temporary.
Chest messed up a little, Karlyle slowly reaches out to the painting with a soft smile. He takes it off the hanging frame and takes it to the table. After putting the painting upside down, Karlyle stares at his cell phone for a long time.
The call he made before midnight goes unanswered until dawn. And perhaps the answer will never come. Of course, until the end, Karlyle was undignified and audacious. He knows that he is neither a good nor a kind person. And so he was selfish to the end. Regret arises.
Perhaps it truly meant nothing from the start. If Ash had remembered the kiss from six years ago that turned his life upside down, would things be different?
Probably not. Ash doesn't even remember, he made it explicitly clear he would never fall for someone like Karlyle. It is all Karlyle's fault for not taking responsibility and adhering to his own rule to not develop unnecessary feelings. It's his fault. Always his fault.
He glances at the garden where it is slowly getting colder and petals are starting to fall. There are no traces of blooming flowers, only leaves.
Summer is coming to an end.
***
"Instead of calling a musician from Philharmonic, I think it would be better to have a singer this time. Roman Milato and Satima Rajah both say they like jazz music very much."
Sitting in front of Karlyle is his younger brother Kyle and his father Jonathan. They are drinking tea on the outdoor patio in Karlyle's garden. Kyle is explaining the concept of the party. It's a party for co-investors of Vancouver's Fraser River basin development project which will take place a few days later.
Although detailed plans and composition are often implemented by professionals, Jonathan and Karlyle left the job to Kyle because they thought it would be good for him to experience planning themes or leading the progress at least once. Hosting a memorable social gathering is also a part of the family's education culture.
"Mr. Rajah is particularly fond of Julie London and Chat Baker."
Perhaps Jonathan is familiar with it, he lightly nods his head and agrees. The music floats from the speakers, and Karlyle freezes.
"Okay let's go with that for the music part..."
The conversation in front of him fades out. As if he's been pulled down by his ankles into oblivion, suddenly Karlyle isn't sharing tea and planning the gathering with his family, but instead been flung into the memory of Ash lying down listening to Julie London's music, the tender notes of music caressing them as he fell asleep in his arms.
Against the background of the beautiful woman's voice, Ash's handsome face had gazed fondly at Karlyle before turning off the lights.
Reflexively raising his head, Karlyle rubs his eyelids. He tries to erase the image, but it doesn't work. His heart thrums in his chest. Sharp pain runs through his veins. Like they are being pierced by broken glasses.
"... Karlyle?"
And suddenly he's back in his seat. Hearing Kyle's voice calling out to him, Karlyle lowers his hand. At the same time, something runs down his cheek. He blinks. He looks up at the sky.
"Just now..."
Kyle looks at Karlyle with a distraught and bewildered expression. The gray eyes of his father Jonathan are also staring at him. Silence passes. Ah, it looks like it is going to rain. The clouds hanging overhead are a similar color to his father's eyes.
Water drips down his cheek. Instead of falling on the table, on his shoulders, or anywhere else, the rain peculiarly falls on the corner of his eye.
Expressionless, Karlyle raises his hand. He brushes away the water under his eye. He dazedly dabs away the moisture on his finger with his napkin. He looks up to find two pairs of eyes staring at him.
"I'm sorry."
Jonathan's lips open, then close. Kyle looks at Karlyle with a look of helplessness. It seems he has soiled the mood. Karlyle drily brings up another topic.
"Uhm... I have something to tell you."
In a beat of silence, Karlyle comes to the conclusion he has been agonizing over for several days.
"I'm thinking of selling this mansion. I know it doesn't belong to me, so I'll need to have your permission first."
Karlyle grabs his teacup, waiting for his father. Perhaps the rain has stopped, there are no more pesky droplets of water running down his cheeks. Jonathan looks at him with a serious face, then slowly opens his mouth.
"Can you tell me why?"
A concerned voice he has never heard before. Karlyle puts the rim of the teacup against his mouth for a moment, then puts it down again, unable to swallow anything. It's hard to swallow past the lump in his throat.
"There's no special reason."
Kyle frowns as if he has something to say. But Karlyle beats him to it.
"Now that I've decided on the person to get engaged to, I think it would be a good idea to organize this place and find a place to spend time with the person who will be my fiancée."
After having fun for a while, it's time to get back to reality.
"Karlyle."
Kyle calls him, wanting to say something. Jonathan turns his gaze to Kyle. Without a change of expression, Karlyle ignores Kyle. Instead, he asks his father again.
"Will you give me your permission?"
Jonathan rubs his forehead. Then lets out a serious sigh and asks Karlyle to confirm.
"Have you decided on a fiancée?"
"Yes. I have chosen from among the list selected by grandfather. There are a few people I know."
He answers in a clipped tone as if he's simply discussing work reports. Jonathan stares at him as if something has gone badly wrong.
"Let's talk about that later."
"Next week when I meet grandfather, I'm going to announce it."
"... Do what you want with the mansion."
Jonathan says finally. It seems that something is bothering him. But Karlyle knew that his father would not oppose his decision.
Neither Jonathan nor Alice has once expressed concern in regards to Karlyle obeying grandfather.
"Thank you father."
Even if he can't sell the mansion, preparations to leave this place need to be started anyway.
Karlyle leaves his seat for a moment on the pretext that he has a phone call to make. It is to tell the family's broker to handle the sale as scheduled. Kyle immediately follows after him.
"Brother. Let's talk for a second."
Kyle grabs Karlyle by the wrist. It is the first time Kyle has touched him this way. Karlyle glances down at Kyle.
"I'm listening."
"What do you mean by engagement? Ash Jones?"
An expected question. But hearing his name is painful nonetheless. He had avoided talking to Kyle during the meeting, but now he has nowhere to run. Karlyle tugs his wrist free and turns around.
"I don't think this engagement has anything to do with someone whom I owned for such a short time. Give my thanks to Nicholas, as for Mr. Jones, I will thank him in another way..."
"Weren't you trying to date? You like him."
Kyle grabs Karlyle again. Karlyle stops in the living room, staring blankly at Kyle's hand clenched around his wrist. After finishing talking to the broker, he'd have to direct the secretary to set up a new phone.
"Kyle."
It's time to erase everything related to Ash.
"It is not your concern."
Karlyle yanks his hand away with more force than before. To Ash, Karlyle is nothing more than an arrogant and ridiculous Alpha male with unpleasant memories and strange behaviors. Karlye is not the right person for Ash.
It's been like that from the beginning. The two live in different worlds. Unable to grasp this core fact for a while, Karlyle had a dream beyond his reach. He has to go back to his original position.
"Then... what about the painting?"
At that, Karlyle turns his gaze to the table. Seeing him look at the sealed thing on the unused table, Kyle turns his gaze to that as well.
"It's a beautiful painting..."
Karlyle says quietly.
"You, too, had a lot of trouble finding it."
But the person he really wants to give it to is now gone.
"If it's okay with you, I want you to take it."
Kyle and Nicholas will surely be able to appreciate the meaning of the painting.
"You have someone to give it to. You have to give it to that person, Karlyle."
"Kyle."
His beloved younger brother seems to want confirmation from Karlyle. With a face in pain as if having been stabbed, Karlyle tries to affect his normal solemnity in his expression and says resolutely.
"It's over."
Shaking his head at Kyle who is about to open his mouth again, Karlyle looks away from the painting.
"Don't ever bring this up again."
The four seasons are constantly changing. Karlyle's life consists of only two seasons: autumn and winter.
Familiar temperatures, unsaturated colors, heavy silence and cool air. And the hoarfrost that permeated his everyday life is slowly creeping back into his heart.
That is the form of loneliness Karlyle has to get used to again.