Since I've gotten back to the house I've looked through more pages of my brother's diary, I know it's wrong but I need to know what happened.
There are a lot of pages with dates before the fire and only a handful afterwards.
I skim through the front of the book and one of the first pages is around 2 years before he left.
'I joined a gang. That sounds more fun than it acctually is. I joined an illegal gang and I'm probably going to hell for it but I need to find out the truth. I can't stay in the dark for any longer. I've come this far and there's no turning back now.'
That's...odd.
I flip through some more pages and find an entry from about a year before he left.
'She got a cat today. I guess I technically got her the cat since I was the one who bought it. We were originally just going to the mall but she ended up convincing me into going in some sort of pet store, claiming that she just wanted to look around. We did just look around for like 30 seconds. Then she saw the ginger cat, who she's now named Frinkles. He was in a playpen and the lady invited her inside to take a closer look, I knew then and there that I was screwed. As soon as she took that cat in her arms I saw it in her eyes. The baby kitten was only 8 weeks old and she fell in love with him. When she give me the puppy dog eyes and asked to keep him I didn't have it in me to say no. So we bought a cat or I did since she's a minor. At first I was just agreeing to a cat, I didn't think of all the other expenses. We bought cat food, a cat bed, multiple toys (way more than necessary), food and water bowls, nail trimming things, brushes, a litter box plus litter, treats and an engraved collar. I swear this cat better appreciate this. Oh and get this, they made me pay for a carrier too. They're really bleeding me dry. The talk with mom didn't go over well either, it ended in me convincing her that it was my cat....and then she told me to take it to my dad's house. I hate when she does that. I said I would when I go round tomorrow but I have no intention of it, mom will have forgotten by then. She made me watch him while she went in the shower, she didn't want to leave him by himself at such a small age. The kitten rolled around her bed, I tried to stop him, I really did but he was just so cute and I didn't want to hurt him. When she was finished in the shower the three of us watched a movie, Frinkles first ever. She seemed really happy today with Frinkles, I really hope that continues. If anyone deserves to be happy it's her.'
I finally look at the page with the date July 6th. The day he said he was going to leave. It was also the day of his funeral, I was avoiding it as I know it will bing back bad memories.
'It was sunny today, it felt almost peaceful when I woke up. I went to see her today. I stayed far away and out of sight though. I couldn't risk it. It was horrible seeing her like that, knowing I was the cause of it. She looked completely devastated. This is how it has to be though, I can't drag her down with me. She'll get over it eventually, at least she's safe I keep telling myself. I'm going to miss her, I hope she's alright without me. I know she's strong and can get through this. After she started speaking at the ceremony I left. I couldn't listen to her wishing for me to come back, I just couldn't do it.'
I let out an annoyed scoff.
He couldn't listen to me beg for him to come back? How did he think I felt?
I never got over his death, ever. The feeling of grief became my new normal. I had to live with the loss of him everyday.
And he just what? Skipped over the hard part?
I wish I could've done that.
That day I lost my brother, my friend. On top of all of that shit, I tried everything to get my mother to come with me to the funeral but she refused. The last thing I remember of her is her screaming at me.
She didn't go to the funeral that day.
When I got back to the house it was empty. The lights were off and I just somehow knew she was gone.
I checked anyway, hopeful that she was still there but deep down I knew she wasn't. The first place I checked was her room and I could see straight away that it was empty. I thought I had no tears left after the funeral but I was proven wrong. I immediately started sobbing when I realised she left because now I had no one.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay in our house for much longer, especially alone.
One day she had two children and the next she had none. Just like that.
I was still here but she forgot about me and left me to deal with everything alone.
I remember thinking Sidney had been ripped away from me but my mother left of her own accord. I now know that it was Sidney's choice to leave too but at least he has a better reason for it.
I thought I had no one but it turns out I was wrong. A few hours after I got home my friends, who had been at the funeral supporting me all day, came by to check on me. They're (including Frinkles) the only thing that got me through.
It just hurts to know that all of this could've been prevented.
The hard truth is, if he hadn't have found out about me living with Blaine, Sidney never would've told me that he wasn't dead.
Even though I'm extremely pissed at him right now, I can't find it in me to hate him. I still love him and I know for a fact he didn't set that fire. He doesn't deserve to be wrongfully accused for it. The Sidney I know wouldn't hurt a fly.
♡♡♡
"Hi." I say as Vincent walks into the kitchen.
I hastily toss the flour in the mixing bowl. I'm stress baking again in an attempt to feel more like myself.
"Ooo cookies." He says picking up one of the many plates filled with cookies. "I've had the worst day." He says sitting at the kitchen table and setting the plate down while I continue mixing and baking more batches.
"Oh, yeah?" I say urging him to continue.
"So we were going to raid this warehouse for a mission, it's not a secret mission so you're allowed to know." He states, pausing to take another bite out of one of the cookies. "Nathan was meant to bring the map of this warehouse place because it's in the middle of nowhere and when we got to the part where the map was needed we realised he didn't have it because he thought I was bringing it. Which to be fair, I was originally meant to be bringing it but things switched up and then he was in charge of it."
"So what did you do?" I ask, still tossing ingredients into the mixing bowl.
"Well lucky for us Nathan said he remembered some of the map so we eventually got there after taking the long way but by that time some of the stuff we needed was gone. It was better than nothing, I guess, because without Nathan we wouldn't have gotten there at all."
"Hey, what's going on?" The man in question walks in.
"I was just telling Cassie about what happened earlier." Vincent says, still munching on the cookies I made. It fills me with great joy when someone likes my baking.
"Don't even get me started- can I eat some of these?" Nathan asks pointing to a plate of cookies.
"Yeah, go for it."
"Thanks." He says with a smile before taking the plate and sitting next to Vincent. "We spent ages trekking through the mud and everyone was in a mood because we were basically lost. I could've sworn you were meant to bring the map." Nathan says.
"I was, at first." Vincent says. "Anyway it's your fault."
"At least I remembered some of the map, I didn't see you leading us around." He says sassily. "You seem to bake a lot at once." Nathan says, looking around.
"I normally don't notice until my kitchen is full because I'm in the zone." I explain. "I tend to go a little overboard."
"I want you as my personal chef." Vincent states, I'm not even fully sure he's joking.
"Cookies for breakfast, diner and lunch." Nathan states. "I don't think we should tell the others, we should keep them all for ourselves."
"What was that?" Francisco says, making his presence at the doorway known.
"Nothing." Nathan replies with a sweet smile.
"Something smells good in here." Vanessa says, coming in a moment after Francisco.
They both share a brief awkward glance as Vanessa passes him.
"Where did everyone come from all of a sudden?" I ask.
"I'm here too, hi." Reyna says also coming into the kitchen.
"It's Nathan's fault, he jinxed us." Vincent claims.
"You always find a way to blame me, maybe it was your fault." Nathan counters.
"As a doctor, I think that you should all know that too many cookies are bad for you." Reyna says. "So I'll save you all the trouble and take them for myself."
Vanessa picks up a cookie and her face lights up in delight as she takes a bite. The happiness is short lived though because Francisco swipes the cookie from her hand and takes a rather large bite of it.
She flicks him on the arm for stealing her cookie and he nudges her back with his elbow.
Vanessa tries to pick up another cookie from the plate before Francisco also swipes that from underneath her hand.
There are many other plates of cookies that she can choose from but the fact that Francisco purposefully stole from her is what makes her extremely annoyed. She tries to take them back off him but he swerves her grasp and takes off running.
5 minutes later more and more people pile in the kitchen for cookies. I assume they've seen Francisco running around with a plate and Vanessa chasing after him.
I continue baking for hours until I'm tired out and there's no more ingredients left to use.
I head off upstairs and back to my room.
I pick up my book and read it for about half an hour before I start thinking about Sidney's diary again.
Blaine and everyone in the mafia knew Sidney Marshall as Rowan Grey. After further reading the diary Sidney explains why, it's to protect me. Although we don't share the same last name he said he wanted to be absolutely certain that I had nothing to do with this. Look how that turned out.
What I don't understand is if Blaine's men knew him as Rowan and he didn't tell the hospital his name....who called me that night?
Who knew to ring me? Who knew that I was his sister? Who told me he was dead?
I don't understand.
Something is missing here.
The person on the phone asked if I was his sister, Cassie before telling me the news. I don't remember much but I remember that.
Did Sidney tell someone about his real identity? Did he tell someone about me? Surely not, he wouldn't risk it. In one of his entries he even wrote that he was referring to someone he cared about as 'she' so that if anyone found his diary they wouldn't have a name. To me, it's pretty obvious as to who he's referring to but that's only because I've lived it. While I might not agree with all of his choices, he's done everything possible to protect me.
But who could've rang me?
I guess it could've been a paramedic. If Sidney was planning to run, he probably had his real ID on him, he could've dropped it along with his phone and someone's just assumed he died in the fire. It seems unlikely that they wouldn't check first though and I'd assume Blaine would've found out his real name if that were the case. Which, no doubt, means he would've already known that Sidney is my brother and based on his reaction, he didn't.
Something feels really wrong.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I think I should talk to Blaine about this. Yes, that's what I'm going to do.
I stand up from my place on my bed and feel extremely light headed and dizzy. My breathing is shallow, it feels like I'm breathing extremely slowly.
I'll be fine in a minute, I probably just stood up too quick.
I start walking before coming to a sudden halt.
My eye sight is blurry and my hands are shaking like crazy.
I'm going to throw up.
I take a step towards the wardrobe that leads to the bathroom before I feel the earth slip from underneath me and everything goes dark.
♡♡♡
A/n the triple meaning title...
1. Taylor swift...yoyok. Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned 🎶
2. Turning the page of the diary.
3. Pages turned means moving on, she's moving on from her grief.