Somewhere in the distance, there was a thumping sound. It was from such a faraway place that seemed to rumble down fast like rocks free falling down a cliff.
"...?"
Payu took a step back from the mirror, eyes still at his reflection, water dripping down the side of his face.
The thumping was getting louder. Faster. It was deafening him.
He raised a hand to the side of his head, over his ear as he searched for the thumping sound that seemed to fill the whole rest room.
"..."
There was no one else. Nothing in that room.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Payu drew a shaky breath. He planted his feet steadily on the floor as he listened to the deafening sound in his ears.
"..."
The sound wasn't coming from anywhere or outside. It was from him. Inside his chest. His heart beating wildly as though wanting to break free from his own body.
Payu slowly stepped back from the mirror. He stepped away, one step, two steps, wide strides out of the rest room towards the narrow hallway that seemed to close in on him.
He saw Saifa not faraway, as though waiting for him.
His twin was saying something. The man looked serious. He looked tired. But all Payu could hear was the loud sound of his heart to his ears. Nothing, not a single word Saifa said registered in Payu's head.
Payu kept on walking, steps that covered large distances until he was running out of the stuffy and dark police station.
"Payu!" Saifa called after him.
But Payu didn't stop. He was unsure of many things. He was unsure of his own identity. Uncertain of everything around him.
But that time, at that moment, that very second, he was sure of one thing. He had to leave. He had to go.
His instincts were telling him he had to. His whole body, down to the very fibers of his being said he needed to go to him.
At the parking lot, where the setting sun and the rays were a bloody orange-- a sign of an incoming storm-- Payu stood. He grabbed the car door hard, opening it as if he was ready to wreck it down. The whole car shook as he forced it open.
"Payu!" Saifa shouted, grabbing Payu by the arm. "What on earth is going on? There are things to still finalize inside."
Payu didn't hear Saifa. He just watched his brother's mouth move. The thumping in his ears not letting up.
"Give me the keys," Payu whispered.
Saifa, brows drawn together, let go of Payu's arm.
"Huh?"
"Give me the damn keys. Now!"
Saifa stared hard at Payu's face. Conflict and even irritation brewing in the man's eyes. After a few seconds though, he must have seen something. He must have felt it as well. In the way Payu's hand was shaking against the car door. In the desperation in Payu's eyes.
"Where do you think you're thinking of driving?" Saifa mumbled as he ran to the driver's seat. "You haven't renewed your driver's license yet. I don't want to see my own brother get pulled by the police," Saifa added as he grabbed the driver's door open. "Get in. I'll drive."
As soon as they got settled inside, Saifa revved the car on. They each moved swiftly, getting their seatbelts fastened. Payu pulled his phone out of his jeans, searching for a name with trembling fingers.
"Where to?" Saifa asked.
"Back home."
"What? To our house?"
"No, no," Payu shook his head. "My house, the house where Rain is."
Saifa immediately pulled out of the parking lot, stepping into the gas as soon as they hit the road.
Payu was stuck with his phone. Calling someone. Ending the call that the other line didn't pick up only for Payu to call again. With each attempt, Payu grew more impatient. With each unanswered call, the thumping grew louder in his chest.
Saifa reached out to the car monitor, pressing on a speed dial and putting it on loud speaker.
"Hello? Attorney, I'm sorry we have to leave suddenly. Can you wrap things up over there?
The man in the other line cleared his throat. "Did something happen?"
Saifa threw a brief glance over Payu, gripping the steering wheel tighter the leather protested. He then looked back ahead. "Hopefully none. Hopefully nothing."
"I understand. I'll keep you guys posted."
The call ended and an eerie silence fell in the car. Saifa pursed his lips shut, watching Payu by his peripheral vision cursing at the phone.
"He's not answering," Payu said, voice strained. "Not his phone, not the land line..."
"Maybe he's busy doing something," Saifa said, trying his best to lighten up the suffocating unease and tension in the car.
"Something's wrong."
Saifa glanced at Payu then back at the road.
"I can feel it, Saifa. Something's wrong. I just... know."
There were no words that would comfort Payu as he sat there helplessly trying to contact Rain. The thumping in his head had gone so deafening. His hands shook as he gripped his phone, his eyes outside the window watching the sun hide behind tall buildings.
The veins in his arm and neck were straining as Payu kept his best to stay still. His left knee wouldn't cooperate as it bounced steadily with his foot against the car floor. They were zooming past barely staying within the speed limit yet things felt awfully slow.
"Saifa, hurry up."
"I know," Saifa replied, the man's nervousness becoming obvious in his voice. "I know, Payu."
Payu gritted his teeth, glaring outside at the darkening sky painted in remnants of deep orange and red.
He called Rain again. But it was no different than the first time. Neither Sky nor Prapai was answering his calls.
Payu gripped his phone with both his hands, his flesh hurt from his own strength and pressure. It was like a boulder was lodged in his throat. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't swallow.
He turned to the passing scene all around him and he knew Saifa was driving as fast and carefully as possible. But to Payu, every second felt like an hour and every minute felt like months as they sped into the highway.
It was almost impossible yet the thumping in his ears had grown even louder. Every single sensation of the air from the vents, and of his clothes to his skin was so intense it was like his senses had tripled.
He couldn't understand why, under his skin, with the deafening chaos in his ears, if he listened closely, it was a weird sound but not a voice telling him he had lost Rain.
The sound, the sensation, was so horribly familiar.
Payu sucked a breath when finally, finally after a torturous almost an hour drive, the gates to the subdivision became visible. The car entered the gates and got into the wide roads, into the smooth path towards the house.
"..."
Payu had long since removed his seatbelt. His feet itching to jump off the car. The neighborhood was so quiet. Drenched in the remaining traces of orange from the setting sun, the scenery was like something from a postcard. Quiet. Still. Almost unreal.
It made Payu even more nervous. As though it was setting him up for a reveal he wouldn't like. Or couldn't take.
"The fuck?" Saifa grumbled under his breath. "The gate is totally wide open?"
The gate was unclosed, free pass for anyone who had no good intention. Rain's car was parked at the side, not quite fixed at the designated parking spot, almost as if Rain was in a hurry and he may have just gotten in the house without looking back.
Saifa maneuvered into the open wide gates. Warning bells joined in the rattling sound of Payu's heartbeat in his head.
Before Saifa could even park, Payu was out of the car. His leather shoes sending pebbles all around as he ran into the house.
He stopped by the door, barely managing to enter the pincode. The beep and the green light at the keypad barely registered in Payu's mind as the door clicked free from being locked.
"..."
As soon as he stepped into the house, he was hit by a chilling silence. It was so strong and almost tangible like an invisible force stopping him from going further in.
Payu drew a shaky breath and got into the hallway, shoes and all.
"..."
Pushing his fear, anxiety and whirlwind of what ifs, he walked swiftly, almost running into the living room.
The orange-red tinge from the setting sun seeping through the huge windows had been reduced into a bluish color of uncertainty.
Payu's heart sank to his stomach upon finding a silhouette laying on the sofa.
He quickly crossed the distance in three strides, stopping right in front of Rain's motionless body on the huge seat.
"...Rain?" he called, barely above a whisper as he slowly knelt on one knee.
Payu gently patted the man's cheek. Rain was cold. Abnormally cold.
"Rain?" he called again, hoping somewhere in him that Rain was just napping normally.
But the more seconds passed, it became clear that it wasn't the case.
It was clear that nothing in there was okay. Nothing there was fine.
Payu's heart was nearly exploding in his chest it was a miracle he was still steady and upright.
Gently grabbing Rain's arm awkwardly dangling on the side of the sofa, Payu called him again. He tucked both Rain's hands over the man's stomach.
In a desperate voice, he whispered Rain's name again and again.
"...?"
But Rain just kept on sleeping. Unaware of the fear widely spreading from Payu's core towards every fiber of his soul.
The dim from the early night had totally swallowed the living room. Shadows accompanied them while the silence lingered. It intensified this massive ringing in Payu's head. A ringing so loud yet somehow as though he was hearing through a tunnel. Distant and garbled. A screeching nail against a metal kept going louder and louder together with Payu's own harsh breaths. He winced at the pain and shook his aching head to brush it off.
"Not now," Payu gritted as he hit the side of his head a little too hard. "Not now, please."
Payu bent, carefully picking up Rain from the sofa. He was gentle but firm and fast.
There was a blinding flash of light that Payu couldn't tell if real or not. It sapped the energy from his knees they almost buckled.
He forced himself to stand upright, he couldn't afford to drop Rain. But the searing pain in Payu's head intensified with each step he made.
He shook his head one last time, willing away the feeling that his head would explode.
"..."
And then total silence. As though two deep rivers met and melded into one. Like a switch had been pressed, his mind and body fell in a synchronized quietness.
He carried Rain out of the living room into the hallway where Saifa was about to get to him.
"Oh my god..." Saifa whispered. "What--"
"Get into the kitchen," Payu said in a low voice. Clipped but clear. "Take a picture of everything you see there no matter how insignificant."
"Huh...?"
"We might get an idea of what he ingested. Hurry up."
Payu, without looking back, headed out of the house. Saifa, confused, was left standing by the hallway for only a beat before he scrambled to get into the kitchen.
Saifa felt cold, goosebumps marred his flesh. But he did what he was told.
He took a shot of the sink. Of the drink bottles on the table. Of the open medicine kit. Of the unfamiliar pill bottle close to the dried up flowers in a vase.
It didn't take him that long at all. Saifa was running out of the house in a heartbeat. His own chest tight, his own blood rushing a mile per second in his veins.
Saifa quickly got into the driver's seat after, maneuvered the car he left on out of the gravel into the road.
"..."
Saifa threw a glance at the back seat through the rearview mirror. Payu was cradling Rain in his arms, eyes unblinking as his twin just stared off in front. Saifa couldn't even tell if Payu was seeing anything in front of him.
"..."
Saifa stepped into the gas and didn't care anymore for any traffic lights they passed. He just drove. Out of the subdivision. Into the road. Into the highway.
Once in a while Saifa would look at the rearview mirror. Payu hadn't said anything. Hadn't moved at all. The man's entire face was blank as he held Rain close to his chest.
"..."
The only sign of emotion, the only sign that Payu was still there, was the tears at the corner of Payu's eyes that refused to fall.
There was something bizarre in Payu that Saifa could feel. Something new but actually old. Something different yet strangely familiar.
And all Saifa could do was to hope that no one, not Rain nor Payu, would come out of this totally wrecked and broken.
--------------------------------------
When they arrived at the nearest hospital, what came after was all a blur. As though Payu was moving all automatically, his body responded to the things at hand but his mind was having a new silent storm of its own. It was so chaotic that in the end, he was utterly blank. And drained. And exhausted. And frightened.
So frightened the shaking in his hands wouldn't stop. His panic was a constant, invisible chains tightened around his neck every second that passed. Yet all he could do was sit on the plastic chairs outside the emergency room.
There were numerous people that passed. But they all looked like blurred images in fast motion walking in front of Payu. Voices from speakers echoed in the hallways but not a word Payu could understand.
His pulse-- his heart-- rattling inside him were the only things he could hear.
Payu continued sitting at the farthest end of the blue chairs outside the emergency room. His eyes were fixed at his hands. The same hands that carried and held Rain all that time in the car.
"..."
Rain weighed absolutely nothing. As if with just a mere gust of wind, Rain would be taken away to a distant place. The feel of Rain's damp skin, how he immediately felt the bones in Rain's waist. How dry and cracked and bluish his lips were. They all haunted Payu whether his eyes were widely open or tightly shut.
"..."
He closed his hands into fists, biting hard on his lower lip as he glared on the white tiled floor in front of him.
How did he ever let Rain end up like this?
It was all his damn inexcusable fault.
"..."
He wasn't angry with himself. He was furious. He was terribly furious with himself; he couldn't even cry. He had no right.
"Who's the guardian?"
Payu's head lifted quickly and in seconds, he was approaching the doctor in scrubs that came out of the ER. Saifa also walked closer, a step behind Payu.
"I'm Rain's guardian," Payu began. What an utter lie, he thought. He hadn't done a thing for him to be called that. "How is he?"
The doctor didn't have an ounce of expression on his face. "Sleeping pill overdose."
Payu tightened his hands into fists as he let the words sink in horribly in his head. Saifa took a couple steps back as if he was hit.
"Did he intentionally...?" Saifa whispered.
The doctor turned to Payu. "The photos you showed us earlier helped. It seemed like he took his pill and had an overdose because of something he drank."
"...?"
"Concentrated grapefruit juice could massively enhance the sleeping pill's depressive effects on the body. It is never recommended to drink this while taking sleeping pills."
After everything that Payu heard all he wanted to know was if Rain was okay.
"How is he?" he asked again.
"We'll transfer him in the ICU."
"What?"
"We'll be able to monitor him best in ICU. I'm sorry but he's currently in a..."
Payu felt all the air in his lungs leave.
The doctor left and Payu staggered his way back to the chair where he was sitting a while ago.
"Coma? A coma?" Payu whispered under his breath, repeating the last word the doctor said. "Rain?"
The two words have no business being in the same sentence. Payu wished he was dreaming. But the pain as if someone had just gouged his heart out of his chest was too severe for it to be a dream.
"..."
Everything was a massive confusing succession of events. Nothing just seemed right as Payu found himself walking and climbing the stairs up to the 3rd floor where Rain was transferred.
In the end, Payu just found himself sitting again at one of the chairs outside. He'd lost count how many times he'd walked over the door to gaze at Rain through the glass.
He couldn't take it. The tubes in Rain's mouth. The continuous beeping of the machines. How small and frail Rain looked in the middle of that huge bed. How his eyes never even fluttered open once. He was just closed off to the world.
"..."
Rain was so close. Hell, Payu carried him and cradled him to his chest. But this was by far the farthest they've been. Even farther than all those wasted five years.
It was far worse than a nightmare.
He had no idea how long he'd been sitting there. But the loud footsteps that came from somewhere in the hallway became louder and closer. Until shoes passed by Payu's gaze as he stared at the floor.
"What the hell?" Sky croaked as he looked through the glass. "What the fucking hell is he doing there? How?"
Sky's eyes landed on Payu. But he turned to Saifa instead. "Why? How I don't--"
Saifa sighed and gave the short version of the story.
"Sleeping pill overdose?" Sky almost shouted. The man's lips trembled as he threw another glance at the ICU door. "Sleeping pill? But we had a sleepover just a while ago. He never mentioned once that he..." Sky trailed off.
Sky's knees were about to give out but Prapai steadied him by the shoulder. Prapai's own face contorted in what seemed like regret. His expression said he hadn't done enough and he regretted it.
Saifa rubbed his face. "Apparently, he overdosed because he took a pill with concentrated grapefruit juice."
"A what?"
"Do you think he did it intentionally?" Saifa asked.
Sky shook his head. "That's bullshit. No matter how tough it is, he wouldn't kill himself to leave his mom heartbroken. If he ever had an inkling of doing something like this, he would have the same day P'Payu disappeared."
Nobody wanted to ask that question but someone had to. Saifa lowered his gaze and pulled his phone out of his jeans.
"We got a photo of his sleeping pill brand and the bottles on his kitchen table."
Sky was tearing up as he snatched the phone out of Saifa's hand.
"Why would that idiot not tell me anything? All this time I was sleeping fitfully and what, Rain? You were lying wide awake staring at the ceiling?" Sky mumbled brokenly.
"..." Payu gritted his teeth.
"I'm so mad he was beside me but alone wide awake that night," Sky hissed. The man wiped the tears off the corner of his eyes as he swiped and zoomed in at the photos.
After some time, Sky paused at the photos of the bottles on the table.
"I recognize these bottles. I was with him when he bought these. He's obsessed with that lychee flavored water."
"..."
"But that one..." Sky whispered. "Shit."
Prapai rubbed Sky's back. "What is it?"
"I vaguely remember that bottle. The color is slightly off. But it's a bottle a kid had put back on the shelf when we were shopping. And Rain picked it up along with the other ones."
"That odd one bottle is the concentrated grapefruit juice that Rain had drank," Saifa whispered.
Sky carefully gave the phone back to Saifa.
"Wouldn't Rain normally know the difference of his flavored water against that odd one?" Saifa asked as he tucked his phone away.
Sky sighed and dragged himself to the seat across Payu.
"Rain wouldn't know," Sky replied bitterly. "He's got a cold. He's been complaining of his taste and smell being on and off. Knowing him, he'll just chug whatever he pulls out of the fridge."
Prapai sat beside Sky, still rubbing Sky's shoulder to calm him down.
"If only I pestered him more. If only I just dragged him to our apartment and watched over him instead. I already knew he's been feeling sick at that time..."
"..."
"This accident wouldn't happen if only I..." Sky continued.
"Stop it," Prapai said. "It's no one's fault. It's an accident."
"An accident that could have been prevented had any one of us paid even more attention to him," Sky hissed. "He's been trying so hard to make it seem like everything's fine. Damn it."
Sky was right, Payu thought. Sky was absolutely right.
"P'Payu," Sky called in a clipped voice. "You lived with Rain the past months, you didn't know he's taking sleeping pills? That he's having trouble sleeping so much he had to take meds?"
Payu looked up and met Sky's eyes.
Sky almost laughed when their gazes locked. "I wanted to blame you so much, Phi," he said, a look of hurt in his eyes. "But look at me. I'm no better. I have been with him for the past five years and never suspected he's suffering to this extent."
"..."
A silence fell all around them. Sky and Prapai on the other side of the hall. Saifa by the windows, gazing outside. And Payu just staring at the white tiles too hard it was enough to hurt his eyes.
Minutes have passed. Hours came and went. Prapai and Sky had gone home, with an angry Sky that didn't want to leave.
The world went on and time continued to tick away. But all Payu could do was just sit there blankly.
A portion of him still couldn't believe that he was sitting here and Rain was there.
"..."
Like an empty husk, Payu dragged himself to the rest room. He splashed ice cold water on his face. His eyes were bloodshot. His hair was a mess. His white long sleeves were crumpled and creased.
He stared at his face. He hated everything that was reflected there in the mirror. He turned away, glancing at his watch.
It was past one in the morning. No water, no food. Saifa tried to make him eat. But he had no appetite. How could he when he couldn't even swallow?
His footsteps were dragging. As if all the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
At the end of the hall from the rest rooms, Saifa ran over to him.
"Payu," Saifa said softly. As though he didn't want to disturb the ghosts of the night. "Rain's mom is here. She just arrived. She took the earliest flight from the province."
Payu's back straightened. His silent gaze to Saifa lasted for so long until he pushed himself to walk back the hallway to the ICU that his mind had memorized so quickly.
Payu ran his fingers through the hair strands that broke free from the bun behind his head. His breath picked up as he took one heavy footstep after another.
When he made a left turn, she finally saw her. Dainty. Had gotten smaller with age but still graceful. Her eyes were glassy. Standing outside, separated from her son by a door, she touched the glass in an attempt to be closer.
"..."
Payu gritted his teeth. He hadn't noticed he stopped walking. He just stood there watching the woman who raised Rain so preciously.
He had no right to face her. His gaze dropped to the floor.
And then he heard her. A voice he hadn't heard in a long while.
"Payu...?"
The voice was like an electric shock to Payu's whole being. It brought him back to reality. Of how useless and incompetent he'd been.
"..."
All he could do was stare at the floor as he resumed walking.
He was so ashamed. He was so embarrassed. He couldn't look her in the eye. He had no right to even face her.
Payu stopped when he saw the tip of her light brown sandals. He looked to the side again just to catch a glimpse of Rain inside the ICU. The sight just stabbed him all over.
He brought his gaze back at the floor, still unable to lift his gaze to face Rain's mom.
"..."
He attempted to bring his gaze a little higher after a while. The silence between them was beginning to suffocate him. He stopped when he noticed she had lifted her hand.
"..."
Payu braced himself. He was ready to receive anything from her. Be it a hit, be it her blaming him. Be it a brutal slap against his face.
"...?"
But all Payu ever felt was a feathery brush of warmth against his cheek. Rain's mom patted him gently on the face with both her hands, carefully bringing his gaze to hers.
"Look at me, Payu."
When their eyes finally met, something just crashed inside Payu. Walls. Pretences. The tears Payu had tried so hard to stop couldn't be contained anymore. They fell one by one. Almost unending as he looked at that sweet, patient face. His lips shook as he slowly held on to her dainty wrist.
"Payu," she said softly, a tiny trace of smile on her lips even though her eyes were glistening. "Have you rested at all? Look at you..."
Payu continued holding on to her wrist, undeserving of the warmth in her eyes. He looked at her, unable to form words out of his mouth. His chest hurt so bad. He could barely stand.
"Ma..." Payu began, his voice breaking.
"..."
"Ma," he said, trying to form words past the pain in his throat. "I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry..."
He broke into sobs, not letting go of her wrist, of her hand cupping his face.
He couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand everything. His entire being was being pulled in all different directions and his shame and guilt and anger towards himself was consuming him so much.
"I'm so sorry, Ma," he went on and on. "I promised to look after your son... but all I've been doing for more than five years... and then he ended up like this..."
"Payu..." she called, forcing Payu to look at her.
"I am so sorry..."
"Payu," she said a touch too sternly, still fondly.
He searched her eyes and he only saw kindness in there.
"Why do none of my sons ever listen to me when I talk?" she whispered. "Listen to me Payu..."
"..."
"I... for one second... never blamed you for anything..."
"But I..."
"You did your best."
"..."
"You did your best with or without your memories. You did your best to accommodate Rain's demands. You went with him despite not knowing anything. You entrusted yourself to him. You cared for him the way you can at the given moment."
"..."
"That's all I care about."
"..."
"Nobody wanted this to happen," she said, her own voice breaking, her own tears welling. "Nobody wanted this at all. But there's a reason for everything and I want you to look at me proudly as you always have been doing."
Payu's throat hurt so much as he held on to her like a lifeline. He swallowed but his throat just bobbled from the hurt of his own emotions trying to break free from him.
"Take a rest," Rain's mom said, gently patting Payu's cheek again. "Freshen up. Rain would be all giddy to see you handsomely first thing when he wakes up."
Payu gritted his teeth. Nobody could tell when that would be.
"I'll watch over him. Then you can come back in a few hours."
"Ma..." Payu whispered before completely allowing himself to hug her, connecting with her warmth, connecting with her strength and incomparable understanding.
Rain's mom looked up at the ceiling, her tears flowing down the side of her face. She rubbed Payu's back gently.
"You're making me cry too, son."
"..." he just hugged her tightly.
"Welcome back again, Payu. My son's other half."
"...?"
Payu slowly broke free from the embrace, his eyes questioning.
"The first time you returned after five years, you looked at me distantly..." she said. "I could still remember how you tried to be polite even when all you can see in front of you are strangers."
She chuckled a little and fondly held on to his shoulders, squeezing gently before letting go.
"It's all in your eyes, Payu," she said. "Somehow, you remember everything now, don't you?"
"..."
"You're whole now?"
Payu shook his head. "I'm not whole, Ma..." he glanced at the closed ICU door. His other half was not missing but not with him after all.
"But you remember now?"
Payu nodded. He nodded, affirming, admitting, that he in fact had recollected all the memories he'd lost.
It was a bittersweet feeling. Why did he have to remember now? Why not a little earlier when he could have prevented this?
"Maybe if you are subjected to the same situation that happened five years ago, the deep seethed emotion that made you shut down will resurface and make you remember again..."
He lost his memories so grandiosely and it returned in just a snap like nothing.
This was why the avalanche of hate he had for himself was too strong. It was only Rain's mom that somehow centered him, avoiding self-destruction that nobody needed right now.
"Rain would be so happy to know," Rain's mom whispered. "He'll definitely be bouncing around if he knew."
The picture in Payu's mind of a happy, healthy Rain bouncing around him was painful.
"Rain waited for you Payu," she said patiently, almost begging. "Please wait for him too, na?"
"..."
"When he wakes up, it's not me who he's gonna look for," she whispered. "It'll be you."
"..."
"Please wait for him..."
Payu grabbed her hand. She didn't have to say it at all.
"You don't have to worry, Ma..." he whispered. "I may be late because I've been stupid..."
"..."
"...But even if my memories didn't return, I'm very much his."
-----------------------------------------
The next morning looked awfully bright. The rain that Payu didn't even notice last night only left its traces through the puddles on the ground and wet leaves of trees and earthy fresh smell of grass.
The sun was high, the sky was the bluest blue. Birds flocked the surrounding hospital trees and they made a show of flight for anyone who was watching.
Everything looked too... peaceful. As though nothing was amiss. As though Rain wasn't laying in the ICU, asleep. So deep asleep he may be somewhere else Payu couldn't possibly reach.
"..."
He sat again outside, eyes just fixed at the sky through the window. Rain's mom had gone with Saifa. It was his turn to watch over Rain.
No one was advised to get in the ICU still. And so all of them taking rounds of watching over Rain could only wait outside.
Sometimes Payu would just stand in front of the door. He would call Rain even though he knew his voice was unlikely to carry over inside the room.
"..."
He would just watch the small rise and fall of Rain's chest. And it offered a little relief at least to know that Rain was breathing.
"..."
He wanted to hold him. Touch him. Lace their fingers together.
But he couldn't.
After sometime, Payu noticed someone else by the hallway approaching.
The man glanced at Payu briefly but passed him by. The newcomer went straight away to the ICU door, mumbling underneath his breath. His body language screamed annoyed and dumbfounded and ultimately in disbelief at the same time.
After a few more minutes, the man walked away and sat on the same row of chairs as Payu, leaving one space in between them.
Payu had seen him before. Just in passing back then at a different hospital. Rain was with this guy.
The man sighed tiredly. His wavy hair was in disarray and his clothes looked like they had seen better days.
"I heard visitors can start getting in later," the man began. "My medical mission was a lot farther this time. I only heard from Sky when my team got down from the mountains."
"..."
"You probably don't know me. Although I know a lot about you. Mainly because Rain liked to tell tales about you. I'm Hima."
Hima threw his head back, his tired eyes behind his eyeglasses fixed at the ceiling.
"Rain's been messaging me about his cold. I regret not being able to answer when it was so urgent."
Payu watched the passing puff of clouds outside.
"Are you aware of Rain taking those sleeping pills?" Payu asked after a few minutes.
Hima expelled a long sigh. "I am. I prescribed those to him."
"Since when?"
"A few months after you disappeared, five years ago."
"..."
"He would go for months without it. But would come back for longer with it."
"..."
"When you returned, he was so happy to tell me he didn't need those pills anymore. Because he could sleep again."
"..."
"Whatever happened between you two shortly, he came back asking again for more. It was on and off for him. But each time, it was harder."
"..."
"He knew all the things he couldn't take with it. I made him memorize it. Yet here he is."
"..."
Hima sighed again with resignation. "It's just so frustrating because I know he didn't mean this. He's far too eager to live to keep chasing after you. The dimwit."
"..."
The two of them continued sitting there, both occupied in their own minds.
The next thing that Hima said made Payu tense up.
"Six times. Six times I asked Rain out. I wanted to date him."
"..."
"Each time he politely declined. He's an interesting fellow. That one."
"..."
Before Payu could even ask why suddenly Hima was saying this, the doctor chuckled.
"I asked him out. I got rejected. It's safe to say most attraction I have for him is gone. Mostly." Hima smiled a little. "He's become a little thorn in my thumb that I learned not to mind."
"..."
"So you don't need to glare at me again like you did back at my hospital."
"..."
"I know a losing fight the second I see one."
Hima stood from the seat and rolled his left shoulder. "I'll be visiting again later."
"..."
"Once you get in, talk to Rain."
"..."
"Just talk to him. Let him hear your voice."
Hima glanced at the ICU door, a worried look passing on his face that somehow made Payu on edge.
"He's been having a hard time sleeping for so long. He's been constantly worried and stressed and tired. Who knows what kind of happy dreams he's having at the moment?"
"..."
Hima slowly turned back to Payu, eyes serious. "He may be creating happy dreams right now. Happy enough that he may not want to come back."
------------------------
For the rest of the day, Hima's words kept surfacing in and out of Payu's mind. He and Saifa couldn't even talk properly as his twin made sure things were going well with the lawyers and Ple's case.
Payu was pretty sure Saifa had a bunch of questions. Questions about his memories. How. When.
"..."
But they had no time yet to sit and talk.
Prapai and Sky dropped by after lunch and spent a few hours watching Rain. No words were said. Just silent thoughts they hoped could reach whatever realm Rain was at.
Around past five in the afternoon, the doctor in charge of Rain had allowed visitors in the ICU. Protocols, what not and what to do informed by the nurse.
"..."
It wasn't like Payu had no idea where he was going. Still, the nervousness and slight elation from finally being able to be closer to Rain made his heart pick up.
Wearing all protective clothing, hands fully disinfected, Payu was finally allowed inside the room.
The nurse left with a final click of the door. Payu waited until he could no longer see the nurse's silhouette even from the door's glass.
"..."
The weight of the room and the fact that they were finally alone, him and Rain, was heavy. Payu stood in the middle, just watching Rain on the bed.
Those machines were much larger and heavier than Rain. Drips going through his veins. The bruising from where those needles had gone in were such a contrast to his pale, sickly pallor.
"Sleeping pill overdose usually has to do with the central nervous system. It drastically slows body functions, breathing, and almost everything," the words of the doctor in charge rang in his head.
"..."
"Rain almost had a respiratory failure. We have done tests, administered everything we can and now... we observe..."
"..."
Payu swallowed and carefully, slowly, made his way beside the bed.
"..."
There was a chair beside the bed facing Rain. He sat on it, trying not to make any noise.
"..."
Rain's face looked peaceful as he slept there. Despite the many foreign things surrounding him, he looked just like someone sleeping off a tired day. If one would disregard the chapped lips and the dark circles under his eyes, Rain would look like he was just napping.
Payu opened his mouth and tried to say hello. But no words came out of his mouth. He cleared his throat and just found himself sitting there silently for a long while.
"..."
Cautiously, he then reached out to Rain's hand. It was cool and unresponsive to Payu's touch.
"What kind of dreams are you having?" Payu asked quietly. Making his tone conversational and light, even when all he was feeling was the opposite. "Are they fun?"
He began gently pinching the tips of Rain's fingers. He did so over and over before finally lacing their fingers together, hoping that he could transfer his warmth and Rain wasn't feeling cold.
"Am I in them, Rain?" he added. "Am I in your dreams right now?"
Rain's long eyelashes didn't even move.
Payu bit his lower lip and held Rain's hand with both of his.
"I'm so sorry na?" he mumbled, holding on to Rain's hand. "It took me so long to come to my senses."
A tear fell at the corner of Payu's right eye.
"You can punish me all you want. You can do anything I wouldn't even retaliate."
Payu brushed a strand off of Rain's forehead.
"But if this is your revenge... please pick something else."
Payu brought his brows together, watching Rain's face closely.
"How will I ever be able to make it up to you if you're just... there?"
Rain showed no sign of response. His chest rose and fell the same way it did earlier. His hand, his fingers remained still in Payu's hold.
"..."
For the first time in years, Payu bowed his head in prayer. As he held Rain's cold hand, Payu lowered himself to whatever god or deity was listening.
"Give it to me. His pain, his sickness. Give me all the bad things. I will endure them for the rest of my life. Please give them all to me."
Payu prayed so hard. So hard his heart ached.
"I'll gladly take them if it means he's gonna wake up fine and with no complication... I'm begging you..."
He held on to Rain's hand, wanting to believe that even for a tiny bit, Rain would know he wasn't alone.
"He's had enough... please."
Payu swallowed the sob threatening from his throat.
"Let Rain..." he whispered. "...please let my Rain wake up..."
Tbc.
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Notes:
Thank you for waiting! So sorry for the long wait for this one!
See you in chapter fifteen!
twitter: @master_siomao