By the time Ixora had reached Genya's quarters, the door was bolted shut. She shouldn't have been surprised and yet, she felt a little hesitant now, knowing this was a clear demand to be left alone. But then she thought of the many nights she'd spent by herself, battling the darkness within her and smiling sunnily to her mother the next morning.
She at least had to try.
"Genya...? I... I know we haven't seen each other properly in some time. Not such a great period but... Enough to cause cracks when you haven't been friends for too long. If you even consider me that. I... I don't know whether I'm welcome or not. But if you do want to let someone in... Why not a person you hardly know? Sometimes, it is easier to pour out your heart to a stranger. And I only want to make you feel lighter."
Silence. Ixora was about to continue when the door swung open, revealing a gorgeous red-haired creature with glistening eyes. "My... Even when you sob, you are beautiful."
"Oh, stop. Don't pity me."
"I'm not. I'm just- I'm stunned... Here. I'll prove it," Ixora whispered when she noticed the faraway expression on the woman's face. She took her hand and pressed it to her chest, locking eyes with her. Genya felt her accelerated heartrate and flushed, taking a step back and giving further access into her room. Even then, Ixora wasn't sure whether it was alright or not. Carefully touching her chin, she put on a smile to hide her worry and asked, "would you like a hug, conversation or space? These are all genuine offers. Whatever may help."
"I... I have had too much space. The first one. Please."
"Alright, then." Ixora took her in her arms. Genya felt small this way, shuddering like a lamb and yet, her strength remained intact. There was beauty in the fierceness she held inside and Ixora found herself relieved that her courage burned brightly enough for her to not fully give in to grief.
"I am in awe of you, Tailor."
"And I of you, zowa." Ixora felt her heart thud in her chest and knew at once that her lingering feelings for the slightly smaller woman were beginning to return. It made her smile, despite everything, that Genya was willing to let her be there at all. They hardly knew each other, it was true but they shared a connection. Perhaps because they both knew all too well what it was like to feel powerless in the world and out of control over their lives. The trauma of the feeling that they were nothing binded them, somehow.
"I'm very happy to be in this ball with you, gentle one but tell me... Why the distance? Why so much space all this time? I- I've needed y- I mean, I w-would have liked to- if- I wanted to get to know you a bit better."
Genya swallowed and shook her head softly, wishing away the thought that perhaps Ixora meant that in any sense other than platonic. "I... Well... I'm sorry. It's just- David. It's David's birthday and I- he's gone and there's nothing- I have nothing to give him f-for it. I've been so busy that it slipped my mind until the last minute... I always used to work so hard on his gift. And he always loved it so much. He treated everything I ever made him with such gentle reverence - and he cared for me the very same way."
"I see," Ixora muttered softly, her eyes twinkling. Genya hurriedly wiped her eyes, trying to shake away the feelings pouring out of her.
"I apologise. You do not want to hear this- any of it. Your Tsar is in quite the situation-"
"As is my Tailor. I can care for you both, can I not?"
Could she? Genya felt her face flame, refusing to meet Ixora's eyes. The Zemeni was slightly amused by this but held her even closer regardless, her soft chuckles ringing across Genya's skin in waves. Ixora waited patiently for her heart to cool, gently playing with her hair all the while.
"...I should go, Genya. My mother, she expects a letter from me soon and I have yet to write one to give her any recent news. We've been exchanging correspondence... It's not quite enough when we've spent so many years in shared company but it must suffice. Thank you for reminding me... We sometimes forget about death. I certainly do. But it is important. To hold it in thought with every step of life. That way... Chances may be taken, rather than abandoned to some future or never at all."
Ixora was filled with a sudden urge to kiss Genya. It struck her as odd - not because the Tailor wasn't exquisitely attractive but because the tenderness she felt for her went beyond the kind that was merely friendly. It made her feel guilty; holding her like this and knowing that these feelings were pressing against her heart, begging to be released. And so, with the genuine excuse uttered, she detangled from Genya's fair arms and took a bow.
Genya smiled softly and nodded her head, a sparkle in her eyes as she followed her in a small rush and thanked her once again. Ixora couldn't bare to turn back, yet she froze at the doorway, forcing a piece of her fears out of her lips. "I don't know how it will be possible to leave this place behind... And all the people I have met."
"Don't. Please. We would never chase you away! You could stay, you could... Work with the Healers more or in the garden or be a member of Alina's court w-with me! There's so much to do at the palace, you'd never be bored!" She stumbled over her words, flinching when Ixora gave a slow sigh. It heaved out of her like a weak wind, making Genya dizzy with confusion. She'd forgotten, with all the news and craziness, that Ixora was not from there. She had her own home, too. But maybe things could change. They always do, don't they?
"Yes. But I have my own kingdom to look after, as you do yours. And my people..."
She thought of the devotion that would fill the eyes of all those strangers and recoiled into herself, shaking her head and sending her friend a glanceless wave before hurrying off to her chambers. Genya pouted softly, cursing at life for being so bizarre and unpredictable. When Zoya noticed her talking to herself in the hall and asked her what was wrong, she raspily replied, "if Nikolai doesn't marry Ixora, I will" and shut the door behind herself.
"...Oh. This... Might be a problem. But I do have more important things to worry about at the moment."
Alina was busy hounding Nikolai about what he'd said to the general. He was too tired to respond much and she soon realised he wasn't paying her any attention, leaving his room with one last frustrated huff and worried glance. He waited some time for Ixora who was usually rather early, rising to his feet when he realised she would not come. This would all be a lot easier if they simply shared a room. If only. She'd probably smack him over the head for even thinking about it.
"Zora...?"
His butterfly looked as tired as he felt. Moreso. She had parchment scattered about her feet, dozing off at the desk. He creeped up to her, a soft smile flooding his face with light when he noticed she'd drooled onto the one under her head. Wondering what she'd been scribbling, he picked up a few from the ground to read through but the rustling alerted Ixora, her slow blinks turning rapid once she noticed what he had in his hands.
"Nikky... I... It's not what you think. N-not truly- please... Please let me explain this, first."
His expression was unreadable but the glisten of tears in his eyes caught her notice under the moonlight. "A... A discarded draft of a letter to your mother, asking if one could feel the kind of depth of love which the poets and planets themselves describe for more than one. And a poem. Directed to someone with red hair. And this," he whispered hoarsely, snatching the one that had rested beneath her head. "This... 'I am confused. I don't understand. I feel like I must be wrong but if I am, why do I know in my heart what I am trying to deny?' I am at a loss, Ixora. Explain yourself to me."
She couldn't. She didn't know how. Her eyes watered as she hung her head, trying to piece together what words to say. "...I didn't want you to find out this way."
"Find out which?! That you are in love with me...? Or that you are in love with another? Am I even one of them? One of these people you wish to give your heart to-"
"Of course you are." He scoffed, turning his head away. Yet, he didn't leave. He couldn't. Escaping Ixora was impossible once you fell too deep. The pain and pleasure that came with her hand on his cheek proved this much too well. "Moi tsar... Please. Do not tread upon my feelings just because I cannot fully explain them. I only just realised this some hours ago. I do love you. I swear it. But the feelings I have for her-"
"I see. It is a woman."
"Does that change anything? The fact that I may have space within my heart for another does not steal away any of the love I have for you, moi tsar. Since we were young... Ours began so long ago. And I do not deny it. I cannot deny how I feel for you any longer. But I will not lie to either of you. Pretend that I am utterly enamoured with one and not the other. Not when I've know so little of this kind of emotion all my life and now; two? You should not have known yet. I need some time to give these emotions a name."
He had always know he wasn't good enough for her. But it had been better when this was only a thought in his head. It had been better when he couldn't be fully certain. It was all over, now. He would never be able to get that piece of ignorance back. Lost with it was the glow that had filled him, watching his Zora rest her tired eyes.
Everything hurt.
He wobbled where he stood, his eyes a saltwater spring, struggling to breathe as the words forced themselves from his throat.
"That you would betray me like this, Ixora..."
"That is not what-"
"You should not have come. At all. Not into this country. This palace. Not into my life, only for me to lose you again. I have no room left in my soul for grief, Zora... Do you not see that? Can't you see how weighed down I am by sorrow? Couldn't you have had some pity on me? But instead... To give me hope and dash it all to hell in one fell swoop...?"
"Nikky... No. This won't work. Not now. You are too upset for this conversation and I am too overwhelmed to quell your fears, tonight. I've told you, Nikolai, I cannot explain what I do not yet fully understand-"
"Nikolai, now? Not Nikky? Not bird? Have we fallen so far?"
"I know how ridiculous it may sound to you but I really do feel deeply for you both and I cannot deny or change it! I just want a moment! Just give me the night and I will have an answer for you by the morrow. I swear it, moi tsar. I just need you to wait for me... Wait a little longer. I had to for so many years... Can you not give me some hours, bird?"
"You may have all the hours in the world, butterfly. But do not look for me at the end of it. I am not there. And I will not come."
With that, he swept out of the room. And Ixora was once again left to silence. The world was still as she cried to herself with a heartbreaking familiarity, picked up her efforts at self-comprehension and burnt them all. The confrontation had left her utterly exhausted but she knew she had to do better the next day. Nikolai deserved to know that she loved him just as much as she always had, even if he had decided that he wanted her gone for good. She'd been living them, burdening them all only so she would be sure her old friend was okay. And once the Fjerdans were gone, she would feel a lot more certain of that.
If he liked, she would leave the moment they had. But not until she made him understand the feelings growing in her soul, making a mess of her life. Not until he knew for a fact that her love for him hadn't wavered in the slightest.
Ixora fell asleep while untangling the wool in her mind, searching for all the words to say to make everything right. She woke to the loud blow of horns outside. Forcing herself to get up, the Zemeni princess moved to the window, only to find a large crowd gathered. As she neared the group, the hard, gruff voice of Commander Brum finally gave the cause of all the commotion, to her horror.
"The little prince has finally agreed to our little wager! Come; witness the loss of your great ruler, Ravka. The arena is being prepared. We end this at noon." With a flourish of his thick, furred cape, the giant walked away, leaving behind a babble of confused, terrified citizens. Surely the man had to be jesting... Surely Nikolai would not be foolish enough to agree to such a dangerous battle.
Ixora couldn't help a tired sigh, knowing the impulsive blond would no sooner forgive her for her "betrayal", as he called it, than would he reject a challenge. So much ego still guiding his hand in such a weakened shell.
While searching, Ixora bumped into Alina whose expression was more grave than ever. Nikolai wasn't anywhere. They'd looked through the castle and been returned with only hushed whispers of a similarly lost populace. The man was in the wind - but Ixora didn't doubt him for a moment. He wasn't about to desert them and leave the Fjerdan a chance at certain victory. She almost wished he would. There was a sour sort of sweetness to the image of Nikolai sailing off to a place no one would find him, far away from the duties of a burdened king.
He returned with barely any time left. The people gathered around his carriage, their cries falling on sown ears. His eyes looked more weary than ever and swollen from too many tears shed. Still, he felt this was the right thing to do. He thought, for some reason, that risking his life in this way would prove that the Ravkan people were made of more than Brum believed.
It might have given Alina a fighting chance at some understanding and respect if he were to die that day. At least, this was what he hoped for.
Ixora thought he was a fool and didn't hesitate to proclaim it as he got dressed. Nikolai remained silent all through her raving, his cold mask only cracking when he noticed she was doing so to keep her tears at bay. The moment the shouting came to an end, the streams began their journey downwards and neither the Zemeni nor the Ravkan could stop it.
"If this is to be the last of the moments we shall spend together, butterfly... It would give me great relief to see you smile."
"You would leave me behind in this horrid, horrid way and ask me to plaster on pretence? Are you jesting, Nikolai? Would you like to make yourself feel better, your majesty? With your foolproof plan to leave the entire nation without its rightful ruler? To bereave me- to bereave us all of your presence? Am I to thank you for the grief you wish me with a smile on my face?! To lead you on gracefully to the bloody afterlife?!"
"...I did not say that. I only said I wish for it. You are under no obligation t-"
"Nikky... Why? Just tell me why...?"
"It seems the right idea, I suppose. I cannot fully explain it. It's like... When you're privateering and the slightest whiff of the air can tell you where a storm is coming from and how far it is. I thought about it long and hard. I studied all the possible courses this might take us. I don't believe there is any other way to prevent the general from starting a war unless I am to get him to accord this country a bit of respect. And he will not do that unless I prove to him that I would die for my cause, just as he would."
"...you know, I always get behind your crazy schemes. I let that demonic thing remain beneath your skin, even knowing it will kill you, because you managed to guide my mind to it. Even as young ones, you and I both got in a load of trouble for skipping the feast to look at the stars together that one cold night. Do you remember?" Nikolai's smile turned soft, even with the grim undertones beneath. Pieces of an apology flitted on his tongue - remained stuck between his teeth. He would not let it out. He would not give her the satisfaction of admitting he was jumping into this blind as always with no way back in sight.
"Bird? You should know that it is still one of my fondest memories after years of doing and being whatever my mother desired of me. Your charm is a powerful skill, I'll give you that. But what makes you think I won't use my gift to turn you faint and take you away from doom, right this moment? What makes you think I'll give you the choice to get yourself killed?"
"I may not die, moya tsarevna."
"You're a dying man, Nikky. It's not that I don't think you could beat that arrogant bastard on a regular day. But this... You may not be replenished enough to overcome this. That creature still resides within you and it's feeding off of you every single second, draining you of your life force-"
"I know, Ixora."
"So then why? Why do this? Are you punishing me? For yesterday? For something I still struggle to explain, something I do not have enough time with you left to explain because you choose to deprive me of it?!" Nikolai turned away from her, focusing on a small insect crawling on the wall. "Or is it... You... That you are punishing?"
"That's ridiculous-"
"Is it?! Because there is no one in this world you care for less than yourself, Nikky. I know this because I know you. And it haunts me. That you would cause us all- cause me so much suffering because you cannot see in yourself the many reasons why my love for you was always destiny."
"Please don't say that," he whispered forcefully, his eyes flitting left and right as his chest ached a little stronger than it usually did. Nikolai hadn't even realised his knees gave out; only felt strong arms wrap around him as he was pulled into her chest. "It is warm here... I will miss your warmth, Ixora."
She wiped her eyes, ignoring the way he rose his hand to carefully trace her face, the way his eyes drifting over her features like he might never witness them again.
"No. You won't. Because you will win this, Nikolai. Because there is no other option left. Loving you is just one piece of my destiny. I do not know all of it - I never knew it would lead me back here. To you. To this pain I feel, now. But your destiny has always been to be king. You were the rightful ruler even when your brother was alive, running things in whatever foolish way he deemed fit. Perhaps I should not speak ill of the dead but I am no saint. And neither was he."
"Ixora, I... You have to let me... Listen, Zora. Please. I have to tell you what I should have, last night, instead of being bitter and jealous and leaving you no room to-"
A bell rang from somewhere far off. And he suddenly knew. They both did.
It was time.