#% HWANG HYUNJIN <3 !!!
my blood boils.
my blood fucking boils as i walk away from jaemin and the rest of his group members.
the staff member on the other side of me points me towards a large door in the very corner of the stage, where all the dressing rooms and stage entrances are.
when we go behind a big, black door, my manager is waiting there for me. his arms are crossed over his body and his posture is the straightest i've seen it in a very long time. usually he's hunched over.
"what was that?" he asks me, angrily. his face is red beneath his white mask. if he was a character in a cartoon, there would be steam blowing from his ears.
i don't say anything , i just walk towards my dressing room a little ways down. i ignore him as he speaks loudly at me from down the hall.
i don't have the time to listen to him and his nonsense right now.
i'm too angry.
the door slams behind me when i reach my dressing room. as soon as it is fully shut, i pace. i pace like i do when i'm at home, in front of the big open window. i pace back and forth as i let some of my pent up emotions leak out that way.
how could they win best new group?!
they're amazing, yes, their skills are something crazy. but with a controversy so soon after their debut? are you kidding me! i just think and think as i walk back and forth across the white flooring.
is moonie watching?
did she see that?
i hope she didn't.
my anger got the best of me. when i whispered in yeri's ear about jaemin and his scandal and how i know the girl. she just went wide eyed and whispered something along the lines of, "holy shit."
i didn't hear cause i was too busy working on keeping my breathing manageable. i couldn't punch him on stage. that would cause a complete scene.
and a lawsuit.
something i don't need right now.
i sit down on one of the chairs, huffing and puffing and letting all my anger seep out of me. i want to punch something.
i know i shouldn't.
but i want to.
i dont have the patience to write nor the energy to put it into any other physical form, dancing or singing.
just sweet contact between my fist and another hard object.
i would prefer to hit jaemin's face or the version of myself that stood at prom and uttered harsh words to the only girl that i will ever truly see.
every day i wish i could go back and slap myself in my stupid face.
the door swings open with a quick burst, taking my attention from the idea of sending my fist flying.
i expect it to be my manager, but when i look up and see jaemin and his big bodyguard behind him, my blood boils even more. i am completely seething.
"what the fuck was that?!" jaemin says to me, walking in and shutting the door behind him and the buff man.
my eyes look up at him.
he doesn't deserve moonie. he never deserved moonie. no one deserves moonie.
not any single person that walks this plane of existence deserves the beauty that is illiad moon. anyone who is lucky enough to cross her path should feel like they have won the god damn lottery.
"you're an asshole" i say and jaemin's face contorts to give me a look. "i'm the asshole," he points at himself, "i'm the asshole?! wow. so we're doing that now. you know what? at least i'm not the one that ruined moonie on the one night she looked forward to."
how dare he bring that up.
"you're right, i'm an asshole for that," i stand up and take a step towards him causing his guard to shift slightly, "but you, you're the one that ruined her fresh start in new york."
he shakes his head, looking over at the wall.
"you left her, jaemin, high and dry with nothing. you didn't give her a single explanation to anything" my voice raises at him and he flinches slightly.
"you left her and the rest of the boys for a bitch that did nothing but ruin your life when you were a kid. you left all of them. you treated them, and especially moonie, like they were scum on the bottom of your shoe" jaemin says.
i notice his bodyguard look at the ground uncomfortably as we exchange our words. he doesn't want to be hearing our conversation.
"i've owned up to my mistakes, jaemin! i know what i did. i see how i absolutely ruined moonie and i's relationship. i'm able to see how fucked i was! i live in my mistake, every single day" my palms start to sweat and i feel like i could burst into tears at any second.
"you could've made it, jaemin! she loved you so much!" i shout and a tear comes rolling down my cheek, his as well.
"you could've had everything. you could do no wrong in her eyes. you were perfect. the way she talked about you, on her instagram, on her twitter, everything. you were an angel in her life when i fucked up. when i treated her and the boys like they were nothing" both of us are crying at this point, noses running, tears falling.
"and then YOU left her. with nothing, just like i did. i know for a fact, that she spent hours calling and texting you. trying to get a response from you. trying to hold onto you and every little bit of you she could because i left her and she didn't want to lose you either. and then look what you did. you up and left her."
jaemin doesn't look at me, his eyes are fixated on the wall to the left of him. the tears are spewing down his face now, falling all down his neck and wetting the collar of his dress shirt, his light makeup softly stains the white shirt.
"and then," i scoff through my tears, "you pull the stunt at the cafe. saying she was a crazy ex-girlfriend and that you couldn't believe her craziness did such a thing when you know that is the farthest from the truth."
his cries are audible now. he tries to say something but he can't get it out so i continue.
"she got death threats, jaemin. death threats. people threatened to shoot her on the street if they ever saw her. you put her life in danger."
the thought of moonie being harmed by a crazy sasaeng makes my heart explode inside of my chest.
"you could have killed her" the words feel like poison in my mouth. i can't bear the thought of her death.
he shakes his head but not a single word leaves his mouth.
he just stands there and sobs. until he's finally calmed down enough. i think he's going to say something but he looks in the mirror, takes one breath in and one breath out.
then, he just turns on his heels and leaves.
when the two of them are out of my room, i sit back down on the couch.
i just think about everything.
everything.
her. him. them together. ara. the airport. the boys. her god blessed man back in new york. all of it.
i think about all of it.
how different it could've been if i would have just seen those stupid letters were hers. how couldn't i tell that that was my best friends writing. her beautiful words coming from her beautiful soul.
i was so stupid to not see it.
how could i have ever thought that ara gwan wrote those. ara gwan. the girl who had me beat up when i was 12 for correcting her in class. the girl who tripped me in the lunch room when we were just kids.
the girl i let completely manipulate me into leaving my best friends.
i bury my face in my hands and let tears seep out, running down my arms. my breathing is quick and it's hard for me to catch my breath.
i hyperventilate, on the verge of throwing up and passing out. why did i do this?
why couldn't i have been at least a little bit smarter?
why did i have to leave them for her? why didn't i come back sooner? why did i say those awful words to moonie? why didn't i make it to the airport in time?
my knee bounces quickly and i struggle to find my breath. my lungs try their best but they exhale as quickly as they inhale. it's hard for me to breathe.
the room feels like it's spinning and with every passing second, the spinning gets faster.
i feel like the world just upped its rotation by 8 million percents
my eyes shut and i lay onto the small couch i'm on.
i haven't had a panic attack in years.
my hands shake and tremble in the middle of the comic shop. i sit on the couch in the corner, every single part of my skinny body shakes.
the room feels like it's spinning, slowly at first and then faster and faster.
my head feels woozy and at any second i feel like i could pass out onto this floor. i would crack my head open for sure but maybe that would stop the spinning.
i think about earlier, when ara said she would ruin my life if she ever got the chance.
how can someone be so evil?
i hear the little bell at the front of the shop chime and i try my best to get myself grounded. i can't let a random stranger see me like this.
"jinnie?" moonie's voice echoes throughout the small building.
i open my mouth to tell her that i'm here but i can't get anything out. my mouth is completely dry, i imagine it feels much like the sahara with the lack of moisture that runs through it.
my knee is bouncing and this only makes me more anxious. my heart is beating out of my chest, am i going to die? right here? right now? on this couch.
"jin?" i hear moonie's voice get closer, i see the outline of her body but can't see much more, she's clouded by the tears that cover my eyes.
she rushes to my side, sitting close to me and staring at me.
her hands grab my face and turn it to look at her. "are you okay?" she asks, her voice is riddled with concern.
i shake my head, still nothing comes from my mouth.
"calm down, i'm here" she says, taking me into her arms with a warm embrace. my head rests on her shoulders and she grips me tightly as i sob.
i hyperventilate even more and shake beneath her grip.
she continues to tell me that, "she's here", "i'm safe", "it's okay."
i don't know what i would do without her. all of her comforting words and the tight bear hugs she gives allow me to fully calm down. i'm able to get my breathing back to normal, calm down and look at her.
"thank you."
i wish she was here. she was the only one that ever got me out of my panic attacks. the only one that allowed me to fully relax. i felt safe in her presence and i imagine, at one time, she felt same in mine as well.
i'm able to fully calm down by the time the show has ended, i enter the blacked out suburban and lay my head back when i'm in one of the backseats.
my manager's assistant is with me, nari. a nice woman, only a few years older than me. she tries to talk to me about the damage control they're going to do about the situation.
i don't listen to her though, i pretend with nods and small, "mhms" but nothing more.
i don't have the energy to give her more.
when we pull up to my house, a light sprinkle falls from the sky.
i open the car door and get out. right as i'm about to shut the door behind me, nari speaks.
"get some rest, hyunjin" she says to me and i nod. "thank you, nari," i say, "have a good night."
she nods and i shut the door, turning away so i can walk to my front door. i unlock it and by the time i enter, the large suv is pulling away.
my hands still shake as i go upstairs and change out of my clothes. i need to see moonie, is all i think while i change from the suit to a nice pair of pajama pants, topped with a black hoodie that will keep me protected from the rain.
i need to ask her if she saw the television. if she saw what had happened.
i exit my house as quickly as i entered and walked the short way down to the moon residence. i hope she hasn't seen it. i hope she isn't mad at me.
i press the doorbell quickly. not a single sound is heard from the house. i see the lights are on so i know they're awake but nobody answers. i wonder if they heard it. there's a faint conversation but nothing i can make out from this side of the door.
my finger presses it for the second time and this time, i hear some commotion as someone comes to answer the door. there's a soft yell and another conversation before the door opens.
i expect my head to go down and to be staring at moonie or mrs. moon but i'm taken aback when a male stands there.
around my height, black hair, pretty face. he could be an idol if he tried.
i look at the features and recognize them from moonie's instagram. my heart drops to the bottom of my stomach and i feel like i could throw up on this guys shoes.
why is he here.
"uh, who are you?" is all i can get out as i stare at the man.
i hear mrs. moon say something as the man and i just stare at each other. we don't move, don't say anything, we're actually much like statues.
"uh, yeonjun" he replies to my question and my worst fear has come true.
fuck.
why is he here?! where is moonie. i need to talk to her.
"well, uh, is moonie there?" i ask, continuing out awkward encounter. he looks back for a second before turning back to me and opening his mouth to respond.
"n-" he begins but he's cut off by the pattering of feet running to the door.
both of us look in the direction of the running. moonie stands there, looking flabbergasted as she glances between the two of us.
a girl runs up behind moonie. the girl in her instagram pictures, the first girl friend she's ever made.
penny, i believe her name is.
penny looks at me in shock. i look back at moonie.
nothing is said.
we stand in silence.
until it's broken.
AUTHORSNOTE.zip
LONG CHAPTER GIVING THE
GIRLIES WHAT THEY WANT AND
WHAT THEY NEED. except not
rlly bc i left u all on a cliffhanger and
ik u wanna see jealous yeonjun and
jealous hyunjin but.. you're gonna
have to wait another chapter. sorry!!
i gave you a little bit of jealous jinnie
but not much more. sorry again. i hope
you enjoyed this chapter though! i
wrote about how my panic attacks are
so idk if this is really universal but
it hit close to home. love you guys so
much! my favorite loyal readers 🤭
thank you so much as always! your
reads mean the absolute most to me!
vote and comment for mooooore!!