John 14:27
Peace I leave you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
The Bible verse hung at the entrance on the door of the apartment. I didn't understand exactly what the verse meant when it said not as the world gives do I give you. It reminded me of all the times I read my Bible but couldn't understand. Why didn't they write it in plain English? And why did the Apostles and Jesus and everyone have to speak in riddles and parables?
Stepping into his home, I felt my stress leave me instantly. I wondered if it was the peace of God covering his home because I felt...safe. To be honest I had started to feel the fear of being alone, after all I've spent my life under someone and now relying on myself only made me anxious of messing up.
Just like the man, his home was decorated simply. Aside from the furniture and essentials, he had an array of paintings and Bible quotes scattered around the walls.
"Make yourself at home," he said.
I took that as an invitation to walk around. My hands trailed each painting and cursive writing on the wall in admiration. One particular painting enchanted me. In it was a blurry image of a figure with its arms covering the people in it. The people themselves had their arms out in a way that showed that they were fighting to be let go off. They didn't want to be held yet the arm still covered them.
"My wife painted it, most of these paintings are hers. She used to love interpreting her ideas of the Bible and the relationship of God through them."
"Oh," I had nothing to say. He talked in past tense so I could sense his wife may not still be alive. "They're nice."
We were silently observing the painting. I had an idea of what message it was supposed to relate to but I didn't want to admit I did. The brewing anger in me made me like this.
"Do you know what it means?," He asked.
I shook my head, "No."
"I think it's weird how I met you today and am inviting you into my home so easily. I guess something possessed me to go out and check on you. And you could be a thief or generally an untrustworthy person but I still let you in. That's because I want to put into practice what I've learned and that's to help others. I was once like you Daniel, at least until I met my wife. I thought it was too late for me to turn back, my life wasn't the best and I let my own anger simmer in me for too long. You're still young, don't let your anger take control of you."
What was I supposed to say in response to that? The voice in my head was telling me to leave. Isn't it for this same reason that I left my own home? Now I'm back in another home of a person who thinks the only hope for me is a deity that doesn't exist. It's worse since he thinks he understands me. No one does.
I felt trapped.
The following morning I woke up startled from a dream I had. I was covered in sweat and my fingers were shaking uncontrollably. My breaths were also shallow as I tried to take control of myself again. It was when a wet substance fell on my palm did I realize that I was crying, the tears came out of my eyes out of my own will. I really felt like I was losing myself to so many things at the same time. My mind felt torn and I desperately needed to ground myself on something, I needed some kind of comfort. When so many voices were speaking in my head at the same time all I wanted to do was smash my head against the wall to quieten it down.
I inhaled a deep shaky breath and made my way to the window near me. The room that belonged to the man's son is smaller than my room back at my mother's place but I still liked the safe way it made me feel. Only a few boxes were scattered around after he took away some of his belongings to create space for me. Seeing as I didn't have much to begin with I was fine with whatever I got.
The window overlooked the silent city before me with the sunrise just at its peak. I wasn't curious in the least about my whereabouts nor did I care for finding out. The beautiful orange lights helped calm me down for only a short while before the haunting thoughts from my dream came back to taunt me or should I call it a nightmare instead, it's more befitting.
In my dream I was walking down a narrow path, each step I took made the walls more narrow. There were harsh whispers all around me that shook me to the core with anxiety. The ground beneath me became wet and sticky so I bent down to touch it which I shouldn't have done because it turned out to be blood—one that's been there for a long time based on the strong metallic scent. At that point I was filled with fear so I started running but the more I ran the more the sticky liquid rose. I began to see more people walking in the same direction as I was. I called out to them, shouted for help but they couldn't hear. It was like they were out of their senses, as if they were brainless zombies being controlled by someone else. They were walking deeper into the narrow path covered with blood all over their bodies.
The next thing I heard were screams, lots of them as they fell into a gaping hole ahead of me. The brainless people were literally walking into their destruction and so was I. My feet couldn't turn back because I'd lost control of it. I was scared and didn't know who to rely on. "You chose this path, remember," a distant voice said.
This is the way to a world with no consequences
The answers to all your questions lie ahead
Don't you want to be accepted by your friends and all those around you?
The voices were many.
I did want all that but when it came up to it I was gripped with fear and the next thing I knew a face appeared behind me. I can never forget that rotten face that smiled at me with dirty brown teeth and a hole where an eye should've been. It pushed me into the hole until my screams filled the place.
That was when I woke up shaking.
The words I wanted to say were stuck on my lips. I knew who I should've called out to at that moment however I was ashamed and feeling unworthy. I was angry that I needed his help. I was angry that I had to face all these problems. I was angry at my own confusion. Anger was all I felt and it consumed me once more. My hands started shaking again as I held onto the window sill.
Maybe if I convinced myself that it was just a silly dream the fear would go away. There are no monsters waiting to take me away and no darkness creeping in on me.
During breakfast that morning I said nothing, my focus was on my toasted bread with eggs my helper was kind enough to make for me.
"Do you want to join me in morning devotion tomorrow?" He had asked. No
"How was your night?" Dreadful.
"It's a lovely morning isn't it?" I can't imagine.
"You're going to love my special toasted bread with eggs."
Of course those were the responses I would've said, however, I chose to ignore his questions, directing my focus to the food in front of me.
He sighed, rubbing his temples then placed his spoon down. "I don't know what else to do now, why are you being silent?"
"I'm fine."
He murmured something under his breath which I couldn't make out. "Do you want to follow me to work? Maybe being outside will help clear your head."
I shook my head.
"Okay if you insist. There's food and snacks in the fridge and the TV is there so you can watch any show you want. There's a spare key in the kitchen cabinet just in case. What else? There are also video games in my son's room somewhere behind his drawers. You can check later."
I nodded. Not once did I look up at him. I was sure he wanted to say more but he didn't. After making sure I'd be fine alone he left and locked the door behind him. That action reminded me that I didn't belong here, I don't deserve his charity and I should be grateful he's giving me a roof over my head even if it's temporary.