Porsche couldn't shake the conversation he had with Big a few days ago. Something rubbed him the wrong way, more than usual.
Defending Kim was one thing, but the way Big exploded was new.
He crossed his arms as he looked out of the windows.
"I'm not Pete and Kim isn't Vegas! No matter how convincing Tankhun sounds!"
Denial? Or did something happen?
He let out a sigh
"What the hell is going on with you?" he muttered to himself
"Did you say something?" Kinn sounded from the lounge set, and Porsche turned with a small smile "No, I was just talking to myself"
"What's wrong?" Kinn asked, gesturing for his love to sit down, and Porsche sat down with a sigh, then fell silent for a moment.
"I'm going to talk to Chan about Big" and Kinn straightened up in his seat
"About what exactly?"
"He needs help. He needs counseling, I think"
"Porsche, are you sure?"
He didn't answer for a moment. To Kinn, he probably seemed to be overreacting, but Kinn hadn't seen the broken Big that he had seen.
"Yes," he answered with confidence.
Big needed help, and if Porsche had to force it on him so be it.
"I trust you, Porsche, if you believe he needs help, he needs help" he caressed Porsche's cheek, a loving expression in his eyes
"He does," Porsche added, leaning into Kinn, who played with his hair.
Kim looked at the mics from across the table. What was he going to do with them? What would be the best way to get back at Tankhun?
He didn't usually feel this much hatred, or frustration towards his brother who raised him, who looked after Porchay, and who was kind and fun. Lately, though, something had resurfaced, something had rekindled inside of him, slowly burning brighter the more Tankhun forced his way into a place he shouldn't be.
So far he had;
Sent a therapist to him together with Kinn
Compared him to Vegas
Ordered Kim's bodyguard to plant bugs so he could listen in on his therapy sessions. Even if he should be the one in the seat.
Tankhun was his brother, and he loved him, but even family should respect boundaries,
He let out a sigh as he thought for a moment.
Then, something lit up in Kim's eyes, and he got up from the table. He went to the cabinet, finding Dr. Park's file. He took out his phone and dialed the number on the paper.
"Dr. Park, it's Kim"
"I need to talk to you about something,".
"Chan!" Porsche called out, as he walked up to the brooding man, who was keeping an eye on the new bodyguards.
"Porsche" he greeted with a nod
"We need to talk about Big" There was a slight change in Chan's posture, and he gestured for them to step a bit back before continuing their conversation.
"What's going on?" he asked, glancing at the bodyguards shortly, ensuring no one was listening in.
"Does he have a counselor besides you?" Porsche asked, and the older man exhaled.
"No, just me for his lessons" and Porsche was quiet for a minute
"How often do you see Big?" Chan was quiet this time, and there was a hint of concern in his eyes.
"Mostly just at his lessons, since he can't participate in the monthly tests" he replied
"Why?"
"Have you noticed any change in him?" Chan thought for a moment
"There's been some episodes" he admitted, but didn't elaborate further on.
"I think he needs to see a therapist or some sort of counseling because he's not well. He's changed a lot. I don't think he's processed Ken's death yet" Chan nodded in understanding "Perhaps so"
"I'll take a look at it" He assured, and though Porsche wasn't convinced he accepted it, and left Chan again.
"Sir, Porsche has raised some concerns about Big and his progress, and his health" Chan paused for a moment, and Korn turned to him "Is that so?"
"Yes sir, and there's something I want you to hear" and Korn gestured for him to sit down.
"You need to separate yourself from your emotions. You're their body, their protection" Chan's voice sounded from a recording. It was one of Big's previous lessons after he was released from the hospital.
"You're supposed to protect them, but stay calm while doing so"
There was silence in the recording.
"My life is theirs though. Rather I die than them" Big could be heard answering.
"How will you protect them if you're dead?"
Chan paused the recording, looking over at Korn
"How long ago was this?"
"almost two months" Chan replied, looking down at the floor
"How is he doing now?" it took a while for Chan to reply, out of concern, or guilt?
"Worse than I thought" he finally answered and exhaled
"I can't decide whether he said it because he's loyal, or because he still feels guilty"
"This way of training him isn't helping"
Korn was silent, thinking.
"He wants to break himself for this family, that's why we assigned him to Kim. He needs to find his balance again" and Chan nodded at his words.
"What do we do?"
"Wait. He needs to heal. Obviously, it doesn't help training him while he's still broken inside and out" Then he paused.
"Rebuilding his spirit is harder than I expected" he added, then looked at Chan
"Get the recording to Kim"
"Yes, sir"
"Anything else, sir?"
"No, that's it"
Big was down by the shooting range. Perhaps he only had one healthy arm, but he still needed to pull his weight. He's a bodyguard after all. He let out a relaxing exhale. It was quiet. No one else was there, as it was in the middle of the night, and he didn't have to worry about anyone looking at him, or seeing him.
He walked to one of the booths, a gun, and bullets ready on the small countertop.
He had been avoiding the two brothers since he last talked to them. He couldn't take any more questions from them about Kim when he had no answer. If they wanted to know, why didn't they ask him themselves?
Did they fear their brother?
He shook the thought away, and loaded the gun with one hand, aiming at the target's chest.
Did it have something to do with Kim leaving the mansion?
He took a deep inhale, telling himself to calm down.
He held his breath and pulled the trigger.
His heart sank.
His aim was off, hitting the shoulder instead of the chest, the heart, where he had aimed.
"Come on" he muttered to himself, aiming again, trying to ignore the thoughts in his head. "Calm down" he muttered, taking a deep inhale, when the conversation with Porsche resurfaced. "Calm down" he repeated, but his heart kept racing, as Porsche's words kept repeating in his head "Can you even recognize yourself?!"
He didn't want to think about it, not now. He just wanted to be okay for a moment and forget everything that was going on, but the thoughts kept racing on.
"I'm Big" he muttered, his voice shaky, but stern. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling his heart speed up. "I'm a bodyguard" but his voice was thin and unconvincing.
He tried to ignore his heartbeat, his unsteady breathing, as he opened his eyes, fixing his aim.
His arm was unsteady, the gun shaking in his hand. I'm fine. I'm a bodyguard.
He took a deep breath again. I'm fine.
He pulled the trigger, drowning out the thoughts, and anxiety.
"I'm fine" he muttered, his heartbeat getting faster, the shaking worse, his breath hitching from anxiety.
"I'm fine" he whispered and pulled the trigger again.
"I'm fine" but he could hear his voice shake, and his fingers started to tingle. He could no longer drown out the sound of his heartbeat.
"I'm fine", but he could barely focus his eyes on the target and as the fear and anxiety
took hold of him, he pulled the trigger.
He fell to the ground, the gunshot echoing in his head. All air left his body in a shaky exhale, his hand still holding the gun on the countertop, being the only thing keeping him from fully collapsing.
Tears were forming in his eyes, and his breath hitched in his throat. He couldn't move, couldn't calm down, only listen to the sound of his rapid breathing and his heartbeat.
His shaky hand let go of the gun, grabbing onto the ledge instead, to keep him from losing grip of reality.
"You're okay" he tried to comfort himself "You're okay". His eyes burned from not blinking "You're okay". He let go of the ledge, and fell against the wall of the booth, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath "I'm okay", tears falling from his eyes in silence.
Kim put the USB in his laptop and opened the file "Big Training xx/xx"
"Your father sent this for you, sir" Big held out an envelope, and Kim looked at it, before taking it.
"What is it?" he asked, looking up at Big, who shrugged
"I don't know," he replied, then left the apartment.
Something was off about Big. Usually, he would be curious, or eager to stay. His eyes were tired but empty. His body language was of one who had given up, who didn't care.
He shook his head and played the recording.
"You need to separate yourself from your emotions. You're their body, their protection"
"You're supposed to protect them, but stay calm while doing so"
"My life is theirs though. Rather I die than them"
"...How will you protect them if you're dead?"
"I.."
"Big, of course, our job is to protect them, even if it means we die, but you do notice how you tend to forget all rationality don't you?"
"Sorry sir"
"Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Kinn, who you were supposed to protect!"
"How do you expect to stay a bodyguard, to work again, if you can't act rationally?!"
Big didn't say anything for a while, but it was evident even through the audio clip, that Big was falling apart.
Kim paused the recording and looked at the date again. It was from 2 months ago.
"Why did he want me to have this?" He mumbled, looking through the envelope for any note or file that could tell him anything, but there was nothing.
"Interesting," he muttered, ignoring the tugging in the back of his head, telling him something was off. Ignoring the part of him, wanting him, taunting him to look into it. He ignored it, telling himself it wasn't interesting.
NOTE: A lot of the process when writing this story involves making concept art of Kim and Big and quotes that are either internal thoughts or scenes. If anyone is interested in seeing them, I'll post them somewhere, cause they can give some more depth/new sides of the two