Let it hurt until it cant hurt anymore.
-Liam Ryan
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......I will back soon I promise, I needed to take this trip Mama, stay strong please.
A letter from Elizabeth to her mother while on a trip to Amsterdam.
I woke up with a silence in my head that was too loud. Rain fell hard from the sky. I sat up and rubbed my eyes that were sore from crying. They were red and puffy. The time was eleven o'clock. Much past my time I usually wake. I heard a soft knock at my door, Joy opened it with a tray.
"Thought Id bring you breakfast." She sat it beside me, "Thank you. Has mother noticed my absence?"
"No, Ashton told her that you were tired and had a headache from last night." I took a drink of the peach juice that sat on the tray. I realized I needed to get over this. There was nothing I could do. Nothing at all. I would simply have to marry Martin and create a new life without her.
"Ashton has made your wedding for this coming Sunday, he thought you'd might want to get it over with. I can come with you to the modiste for your dress." I nodded, "Yes please, lets do it today. It might take some things off my mind." I looked out the window as the rain fell. I took a deep breath.
"Your strong Liz." Joy put a hand on my shoulder. I glanced over to my bed, where Eloise laid before. I needed to escape those memories, for they would never happen again.
"I will be downstairs when you are ready." She opened the door, "Joy," I took a breath. "Thank you." She looked at me, "It is what sisters are for." I smiled tightly. She closed the door and I heard her footsteps down the hallway.
I pulled out a dress too wear, I looked over at the missing spot in the bookshelf again. I needed to find something to fill the space. I grabbed my clock that normally sat on my desk and put it in the space. It still reminded me of her, but I think everything would.
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I stood on the stool at the modiste as Madame Delacroix did her measurements. She asked me too pick a pattern for my wedding dress. They were all stunningly beautiful.
"Ill go with this one." I pointed at the one with gold flowers on it. She took it out of the stack, "Ahh good pick mademoiselle. Eloise almost choose this one." I looked down and over at Joy. She lightly smiled.
"She has good taste." Madame Delacroix noted, I nodded with a solemn smile, "Indeed she does." Seeing her in the wedding dress yesterday took my breath away completely.
I stepped off the stool and walked arm in arm with Joy out of the shop. The street was busy with the usuals. We walked up before I saw Martin coming down. He saw me and his face lit up. I suppose I was happy to see him too. I needed a positive person in my life, now that Eloise is gone.
He rushed down and hugged me, "Hello my fiancé." He kissed my hand. I smiled up at him. He was sweet I do admit, but I don't know if I could ever truly love him, I don't know if I could ever truly love someone who wasn't Eloise Bridgerton.
"I am excited for Sunday." He had the brightest smile on his face, "So am I." He looked at Joy, "It is nice to see you. Both of you, but I won't keep you waiting, have a lovely day dear." He kissed my cheek, we walked past him and Joy muttered, "He really is smitten with you." I laughed and saw the Bridgertons walk down the street. Some of them at least. Benedict saw me first and ran over. All I could see in any of their faces was Eloise. They all looked remarkably similar.
"Hi Liz..." He saw Joy as well, "And Joy." Colin crossed the street as well. "Ah hello ladies." He said, Penelope was still on the other side of the street. She offered a small wave and out of kindness, I waved back.
Benedict cleared his throat, "Is Daniel at your house Liz?" I looked back to him, "He doesn't go anywhere so yes he probably is." Colin looked at Benedict and smiled, "Great! We must see him now. Good bye." Joy and I laughed as they walked away, "Awkward." Joy said trying to control her laugh.
I would miss Joy when they went away. The day after my wedding, Ashton and Joy will be leaving for a while to go to the south of France.
Thomas will be leaving for Scotland, Daniel will be doing God knows what and Samantha will be sitting in the same boring house everyday while I live with Martin.
I thought about us taking a trip but its useless. I am not in love with him and this wedding came on so quickly I did not want a honey moon. Unless that honeymoon was to travel to Eloise.
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Sunday came and the vows were said. Martin bent down to kiss me and it felt nothing of Eloise's soft lips on mine.
We walked hand in hand back down the isle. We went back to his estate almost twenty minutes away from my home. It felt odd not being in my own room. I put on my nightgown and walked into our chambers. He stood with only his pants on.
"Well...." He began. I took a breath and pushed the hair back from my face. "Should we perform our marital duty?"
Mother had never taught me how to do anything. I slowly walked over to him. Does he know?
I went up on my tip toes and kissed him. Maybe that would start something. He pulled me against him and wrapped his arms around my waist. This was not the same as it was with Eloise. I was uncomfortable in this moment. Would he stopped if I asked? I wish she were here right now. To hold me and kiss me. To touch me in places I have never been touched.
We sunk our lips into each other's more. He started over to the bed but I couldn't. I pushed him away, "No Martin I can't do this." He looked innocent.
"Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" I felt the tears form. He sat beside me and pulled his shirt back over him, "Liz, we don't have too, its okay I am mot mad." He put an arm around me. His affections were a comfort. I needed Eloise more than anything in this moment.
"I am sorry Martin. I am not ready for this yet." He took my face in his hands, "I understand. We can wait." I nodded and laid down into the bed. He probably hated me. I faced the wall beside me and closed my eyes tightly. I imagined Eloise against me with her hands around me. She would tell me that everything would be okay, because in this moment, I worried it never would be again.
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I said my goodbyes too Ashton and Joy the next day outside our home.
"Stay strong my dear." Joy whispered in my ear as she hugged me, "You will get there, but right now you are here, and here is wonderful." I felt a tear slip down my cheek.
Ashton hugged me next. "Be smart sister." He kissed my cheek and the loaded into the carriage. Thomas's carriage came next.
"Have fun little brother." I hugged him and rustled his hair. He was as tall as me now. We looked much alike, with our facial shapes. He got into the carriage.
We waved until we could no longer see them. Mama put her hands around us, "All my children are leaving me." She said sarcastically. I laid my head on her shoulder.
I suppose I never gave much credit to my mother, but she was strong and a brave women. She has never made do anything I didn't want too. She never forced me to marry, only encouraged it highly. She supported all of us in an equal way. She went back inside with Samantha.
Before I stepped into Martin and I's carriage, Daniel stopped me, "Can I talk to you?" I nodded and we walked into the library inside. The smell of my home brought me much comfort.
"A week ago, Benedict and Colin came by." He began, "They offered for me to come with them on a trip to Nova Scotia." Please say you didn't accept.
"Father always wanted to go, I accepted it." More tears filled my eyes, "You aren't mad right?" He asked. I sat down, "No, I just needed you here." I didn't want to guilt trip him into staying, I was happy for him. Father did always want to go.
"Ill stay Liz, I will." I nodded my head no.
"Go Daniel, please, and enjoy yourself." He smiled and hugged me, "You'll be okay right?"
"I think so." Before anymore could be said, Samantha crashed into the room. She leaped into my lap and I held her close, "Your not going anywhere." I told her. She was probably confused, but I needed to say it.
Daniel got up and went to his room to pack. I brought Samantha back to Martin and I's estate. Francesca came over that evening to help me arrange my own study. Martin offered a spare room, I filled the walls with books, but I left one spot empty, because maybe I needed that reminder of her.
"Shall we put something here?" Francesca pointed to the empty spot. I shook my head, "I might put a clock there, but I think it looks right." She took a step back, "I think it does too."
Later after her and Samantha left, I placed the letter she wrote me in that spot, the dreaded letter of her telling me to come see her. I smelled it again, but the scent of flowers began to fade.
Martin walked in, "Its looks lovely Liz. He kissed me and looked at all my books. He noticed the empty spot but didn't say anything.
I sat down at my desk. The quill and letter stared at me, practically begging me to write to her. It was to early. I needed more time or not any at all.
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The weeks went on, months even. I didn't think about her as much, but when I laid in bed at night, sleeping next to my husband, I still thought of her.
She was the first thought in my mind when I woke and the last one before I fell asleep at night. The new season was beginning. It was Francesca's season and I went to the debutante and sat with the Bridgertons to support her. They had became a found family to me.
Not having Daniel by my side hurt. I hadn't see any of my siblings except Samantha in months. I have received letters from them but it wasn't the same as having them here with me.
While my life was moving slowly, the Bridgertons were on the move.
Anthony and Kate has welcomed their second child into the world, Miles. Daphne and the Duke had their third child, Caroline. In my letter from Daniel, Colin informed me, that Penelope was pregnant with their first child. Francesca had been courting with a man named, John Stirling. Martin and I weren't eager to have children at the moment. Maybe a year or so from now. I spent most my days reading or being with Samantha and Martin. She was growing up.
I hadn't seen or heard from Eloise in almost a year. It felt so strange. I should write to her, but I couldn't possibly do it. It felt as if yesterday, I had met her and instantly fell in love. I never asked the Bridgertons about her, I knew if I did it might go into a longer conversation I didn't want to have.
The world continued moving, and I grew closer with Martin, we had finally performed our martial duty, after being married for ten months, it was odd to say the least and neither of us wanted to participate in it again for a while.
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One day while I sewed some of Martins ripped shirts back together, I received a letter from Ashton that made my world stop around me.
Dear Elizabeth,
Joy has fallen terribly ill. She wanted me to inform you, we cannot make it home at our original date due to her state, I hope you and Martin are doing well. Send my regards to him.
Sincerely, Ashton.