#OLAPlayPretend
Chapter 51
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I made a deal with the devil.
To save my mother, I gave in to the temptation and accepted Mrs. Dela Vega's offer. Bale wala na sa akin ang hiningi niyang kapalit. I willingly signed all the papers needed to nullify my marriage with Xaiver. Si Mrs. Dela Vega na mismo ang maglalakad no'n dahil gusto niyang makasiguradong wala na talaga kaming koneksyon ng anak niya sa isa't isa.
Her efficiency didn't fail me. Agad niyang naayos ang lahat ng kailangan namin ni Mama. She bent all the rules and used her influence para makalipad kami agad papuntang Amerika. She also booked us a private appointment with a renowned nephrologist, whom she was acquainted with. She did everything for us.
Parehas ang naging resulta ng mga test ni Mama. Kailangan niya ng kidney transplant sa lalong madaling panahon.
Wala na kaming dapat problemahin. We didn't have to spend a cent on the operation. Gaya ng pangako ni Mrs. Dela Vega, sagot niya ang lahat. Ang problema lang ay kailangan pa naming maghintay ng available kidney. We were put on the waitlist.
Araw-araw kaming naghihintay. Araw-araw na umaasa. But while desperately waiting, my mother didn't make it.
I woke up the next day only to find her lifeless on her hospital bed. Hindi na niya nagawang maghintay. Hindi na kinayang umasa. Hindi na nagawang lumaban.
I didn't realize that after making that deal with the devil, I also set my soul on fire. Losing her was like going on a trip down to hell.
It was the darkest day of my life. I cried hard until I had no strength to do so... until those tears dried on their own. Akala ko kagaya nang dati, I would feel numb after exposing all my emotions, but I was wrong. Nanatili ang sakit. It went deeper and deeper. Habang mas tumatagal, mas sumasakit.
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. I just lost my mother, and I was in a foreign country. I didn't know the process. I was lost. Hirap na hirap ako. I didn't know anyone around me. Wala akong kaibigan na malalapitan upang mahingan ng tulong. Wala akong makapitan dahil ako na lang talagang mag-isa ang naiwan.
Out of pity, I was fortunate enough that the doctor kindly helped us with all the preparation. The remaining funds from Xaiver's mother were used for her cremation and burial. Kahit na ayaw kong i-cremate siya, iyon ang gusto niya at gagawin ko ang lahat, masunod lang 'yon.
Lumipat din ako ng apartment na mas mura. Studio-type iyon na pang-isang tao lang. I decided I shouldn't stay at the apartment that Mrs. Dela Vega has prepared for us if I wanted to start anew, kaya tuluyan ko nang pinutol ang koneksyon ko sa kanila.
At nang napag-isa na ako, doon nagsimulang bumalik sa akin ang lahat. I started blaming and hating myself again. Naging pabaya ako. Napabayaan ko siya.
I felt miserable, and I didn't do anything to make myself feel better dahil tama lang na ganoon ang maramdaman ko. I deserve to feel the pain. I deserve to suffer those consequences. I deserve to be alone.
I thought of coming back to the Philippines, pero wala na rin naman akong babalikan at ayaw ko ring iwan si Mama. It would cost a lot to transfer her remains. I needed to save the money I had left, lalo na't mahal ang cost of living sa Amerika.
It took me a while to pick myself up. Naghanap ako ng trabaho para may panggastos ako. I continued living even when I didn't have the will to do so. Kahit wala nang matinding dahilan para mabuhay. Kahit hindi ko alam kung saan ulit talaga magsisimula, lalo na't pakiramdam ko ay muli akong nakatayo sa dulo ng bangin.
"Congratulations! You are six weeks pregnant!" The doctor was all smiles as she broke the news to me, while I didn't even know how to react.
Congratulations? Is it even something to celebrate?
For some people, I guess it is. Some even prayed for it. Pero hindi ko magawang maging masaya para sa sarili.
Na-realize kong hindi ako dinadatnan. I also couldn't recall the last time I took pills for birth control. Nawala na iyon sa isipan ko dahil sa mga nagdaang problema. And the last time I had sex with Xaiver, he released it inside me.
Kinutuban na ako. I was scared all the way to the OB just to make sure my suspicion was right. Ayaw kong gumamit ng pregnancy kit dahil hindi ako nagtitiwala. I wanted the most accurate result, and that's what I got.
Ngayong alam ko na, ngayong kunpirmadonna, mas lalo akong nawala sa sarili. I just lost my mother. I was such a huge mess. I was alone. Ni wala nga akong stable na trabaho para suportahan ang sarili, pagkatapos ay buntis pa ako?
Kagat-kagat ko ang ibabang labi habang mahigpit ang hawak sa picture ng ultrasound. The OB gave it to me as a gift after she confirmed my pregnancy. My baby was just as small as a sweet pea.
I was emotionally and mentally unstable. I was still trying to figure things out. I even forgot how to properly take care of myself anymore. Alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko pa kayang magka-anak.
Hindi ko pa kayang maging isang ina. I wasn't confident that I'd be able to raise my child well. I wasn't sure if I could be a good mother dahil hindi nga ako naging mabuting anak. Hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko bang ibigay ang mga pangangailangan niya, kung kaya ko ba siyang buhayin, at kung mapapasaya ko ba siya nang hindi kumpleto ang pamilya.
I have nothing to offer. I will only drag her to hell with me. Mahihirapan lang siya sa buhay. The best thing I could do was save her from that suffering. Iyong ang nasa isip ko no'n.
"The entire process will take you three visits to our clinic. You can also expect bleeding and stomach cramps for about two to four weeks." The doctor gave me a briefing about the procedure and showed me the waiver I needed to fill out and sign. "Once you're decided, please read and sign these forms for me. I'll give you one tablet for today and meet you two days later for another dosage."
Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa mga papel. Binasa ko lahat ng terms and conditions nang paulit-ulit. I couldn't comprehend the words written on the paper. Wala akong maintindihan. Parang lumilipad ang isipan ko. Everything was a blur.
Dahan-dahan kong kinuha ang ballpen sa lamesa. I checked the boxes without understanding them and wrote my name. Madiin ang pagkakasulat ko at halos mabutas ang papel sa bawat letra. The last thing I needed to do was put my signature above my name, pero bago ko pa magawa 'yon, I saw a tear fall on the paper.
The picture from the ultrasound flashed before me. My lips parted, and I released the pen from my hold. Sunod-sunod na ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Nanginig ang kamay ko. My chest tightened as it slowly filled up with fear, guilt, and pain.
Hindi ko kaya.
"Miss Bersales?"
Umiling ako. "I'm sorry..."
"That's fine, Miss Bersales. It's normal for our patient to—"
"I'm sorry," ulit ko.
"It's ok—"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Tuluyang bumuhos ang luha ko. Nanginig ang balikat ko sa paghagulgol. Pinulot kong muli ang ballpen. Like I was losing my sanity, I desperately scribbled on the forms. Binura ko ang pangalan ko at binaboy ang mga papel para hindi na magamit.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
Hindi pa ako kuntento. Kinuha ko ang papel. I quickly tore everything into pieces, hoping that my child would forgive me if I did that.
"Miss Bersales, please calm down..." Lumapit na sa akin ang doktor. She wrapped me in her arms to stop me, but what I felt was the comfort I most needed at that moment, even from a stranger.
Hinayaan ko ang sariling sumandal sa kanya. I let her hold me.
"I'm sorry..." bulong ko kasabay nang paghikbi. "I'm really sorry... I don't want this... H-Hindi ko gusto ko... Hindi k-ko kaya..."
Akala ko buo na ang loob ko noong nagdesisyon akong pumunta sa clinic, but I can't do it. Anong klaseng ina ako? Para akong tanga. I almost put my child's life at risk. Hindi ko pala kayang gawin 'yon sa anak ko.
I'd bleed before hurting her. I'd die first before losing her.
And so, despite the challenges that I had to face, I decided to take the risk for my child. Gagawin ko ang lahat para maging maganda ang buhay niya. I would shower her with all the love I could give to make her feel loved and happy. She's going to be my priority. She's going to be my reason for living.
"Mama... please... more."
Cami was shaking my arm to ask for more chocolates. I finally let her eat a piece of chocolate. Her red lips were pouting at medyo mapula na rin ang mga pisngi dahil sa pagbabantang umiyak. Tuwang-tuwa pa ako habang vini-videohan ang reaksyon niya sa unang beses na pagkaing ng chocolate, pero nang nagsimulang mangulit, nagsisisi na ako.
"You promised mama na one lang," sabi ko, awang-awa sa anak.
"Please, mama, please..."
Hindi ko siya kayang tiisin. I'm a slave to her bidding. Lahat ng gusto niya, sinusunod ko. I was desperate to make her happy at all times. Ayaw kong nakakaramdam siya ng lungkot. Every time I would see her pouting or hear her crying, ibang klase ang konsensyang nararamdaman ko. The guilt would always take me back to that time when I almost gave her up.
Inaamin kong naging mahirap. The first trimester and last few days before I gave birth were out of my depth, lalo na't mag-isa lang ako sa bahay. I struggled with sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. Natatakot din ako para sa sarili dahil sa kondisyon ko. Buti na lang at gamay ko na ang trabahong nakuha. Sadyang mabilis lang talagang mapagod.
But when I gave birth to my daughter, kakaibang saya ang naramdaman ko. It felt like I was reborn and was about to experience life again for the first time. She made all the pain and sacrifices worth it. And if you'd ask me if I'd be willing to go through it all again, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. Wala akong pakialam kung mas masakit pa ang pagdadaanan ko. Knowing that I would have her in the end, that's all I need to survive.
If there's anything that I regret, iyon ay ang nawalang pagkakataon na makilala at makasama ni Mama ang apo niya. I'm sure she would spoil her more. She would love her more.
"Okay..." Napabuntonghininga ako. "Last one, ah? After this, no more na."
My daughter showed a cheeky smile. Her dimples made my heart melt. She clapped her hands while giddily swinging her feet from her high chair.
Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili. Lumapit ako sa kanyang pisngi. I kissed her cute dimple.
"Mama! Choco!" Ngumuso siya at medyo nagalit nang hindi ko pa rin ibinibigay ang chocolate.
Natawa na lang ako saka ibinigay sa kanya ang chocolate. Pagkatapos ay agad kong itinabi sa ref. Baka kapag nakita niyang meron pa ay manghingi ulit. I didn't want her to tempt me into giving her another piece.
Habang pinapanood siyang masayang kinakain ang chocolate, tumunog ang doorbell. Alam ko na agad kung sino 'yon kaya hindi na ako nagtagal. Tumakbo ako papunta sa pinto at binuksan 'yon.
"I just read the email you forwarded and drove straight to your apartment!" bungad sa akin ni Macy.
"Good morning, Macy," bati ko sa kanya. "Pasok ka. I just finished eating breakfast with Cami. May gusto ka bang kainin?"
Naglakad ako pabalik sa kusina. Hinayaan kong si Macy na ang magsara ng pintuan. Agad din naman siyang nakasunod sa akin.
"Is that for real?" tanong niya. "Alam ba nilang nasa States ka? Akala ba nila ganoong kadali lang bumalik sa Pilipinas para sa isang meeting?"
"I think so. I researched at galing sa sikat na law firm ang letter," I told her. "They sent a follow-up email saying that they are willing to shoulder my expenses to meet them, including plane tickets."
"Wow! They are that generous?"
Tumango na lang ako. I had no idea why they were so eager to meet me.
Pagkapasok sa kusina, my daughter was still minding her chocolate. Ngunit nang mapansin sigurong may kasama ako, nag-angat siya ng tingin at napangiti nang makakita ng pamilyar na mukha.
"Auntie!" Cami exclaimed upon seeing her favorite Tita, who also loved spoiling her.
"My baby, Camellia, good morning!"
Natawa ako sa mabilis na pagbabago ng mood ni Macy nang makita si Cami. She quickly ran to her and gave her a kiss.
Cami giggled, then showed Macy the tiny bit of chocolate she had in her hands like it was a priceless treasure. "Auntie! Choco!"
"Oh my gosh! Bakit ang cute-cute mo?" umarteng naiiyak si Macy dahil kay Cami. She finds her adorable. "You want chocolate? Auntie will buy you more chocolates next time."
"Macy, don't spoil her," pigil ko sa kanya.
Pairap akong nilingon ni Macy. "If there's anyone spoiling her, that would be you, Chan."
Napangiti ako roon. "I know. Kaya mas lalong hindi mo siya dapat i-spoil. Tama nang ako lang."
I'm not gonna deny that. Like I said, lahat gagawin ko para kay Cami. Lahat ng gusto niya ibibigay ko para hindi niya pagdudahan ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. So that my love for her would be enough.
But I was really lucky that I crossed paths with Macy. Masaya akong may kaibigan akong galing Pilipinas na nagmamahal kay Cami, lalo na't malapit siya sa pamilya ng ama ng anak ko.
To be honest, I never thought Macy and I would be this close or that we would share the kind of bond that we do now. I happened to come across her at the hospital. Kakagaling ko lang noon sa checkup sa OB. She was surprised to see me there at mukhang wala siyang alam sa nangyari sa aming dalawa ni Xaiver sa Pilipinas.
When Macy learned I was pregnant, she wanted to tell Xaiver right away. Ipinaliwanag ko naman sa kanya ang nangyari. I told her the truth, including my stepfather's connection with her ex-boyfriend's death. I thought she would also hate me, but she stayed with me all throughout. Tinulungan niya rin akong makakuha ng mas maayos na trabaho sa kompanyang pinagtatrabahuhan niya. Kaya simula noong pinagbubuntis ko si Cami hanggang sa ngayon na malapit na siyang magdalawang taong gulang, kasama pa rin namin siya.
Up until now, I still can't believe that the person I least expected to stay became a huge part of my life and also my daughter's. I was wary of her presence the first time we met, but now, I can't imagine a life without her.
"Pero huwag kang mag-change topic, Chan." Hinarap niya ako nang maayos. "Nag-reply ka ba sa email sa 'yo? Ano'ng sabi mo?"
Umiling ako. "Not yet."
"Bakit?"
"I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back yet..." sabi ko sabay lapit sa anak ko na inaabot ang inuminan niya. I pushed it close to her para maabot niya. "Cami's barely turning two. Hindi ko pa naipapaliwanag sa kanya nang maayos ang sitwasyon naming dalawa at lalong-lalo na ang tungkol sa tatay niya."
Huminga ako nang malalim. Inalala ko ang content ng letter sa email na natanggap ko.
"Pero... this is not just about Cami anymore," I added.
The letter was from a renowned lawyer back in the Philippines na galing sa isang malaking law firm. Gusto nila akong kausapin tungkol sa kasong kinasangkutan ni Papa. Bukod pa roon, I'm also thinking of selling our house dahil wala naman na akong balak manirahan pa sa Pilipinas.
"So... you're considering going back to the Philippines?" Macy probed.
"I guess I am."
Gusto kong malaman kung ano'ng gusto nilang sabihin. Ang tagal na simula noong nangyari ang kaso. I had no idea why it piqued their interest at ayaw nilang sabihin nang sa email o videocall lang. They wanted to meet me in person.
Tumango-tango siya. "I can't blame you, but... if this is about your stepfather, this has something to do with Art, too. I'm sure you'll meet them again. You will meet Xavi, and he will know about Cami."
Kinagat ko ang aking labi at tiningnan ulit ang anak. Cami was looking at her hands, which had chocolate stains. When she noticed me looking at her, she lifted her head, smiled, and showed her dirty little hands.
Parang kinurot ang puso ko. Even when she takes after me, her eyes resemble her father's. Every time she would smile with her eyes, I could almost see him in her. Hinding-hindi ko maiaalis sa pagkatao niya ang ama niya. Xaiver's blood is flowing in her veins. She is his daughter.
Naalala ko pa noong tinanong ako kung ano ang gusto kong ipangalan sa kanya. I contemplated a lot until I decided to name her after the flower that encapsulates my relationship with her father — the camellia. I might not have the necklace and ring with me anymore, but I have my daughter now, and she is the most beautiful camellia I have ever seen.
I won't let her lose her colors. I won't let her wither. I will take care of her forever.
"I can't hide her forever," tahimik kong sabi. "When the time comes, alam kong magtatanong din siya tungkol kay Xavi. She deserves to know her father, and... Xaiver also deserves to know he has a daughter."
Hindi man ganitong kaaga ang naisip kong tamang panahon para ipakilala sa kanya si Xaiver, this is an opportunity that I don't wanna waste. At siguro, mas okay na rin na maaga niyang makilala ang ama. If ever he won't accept her, I have high hopes that my daughter will not remember it ever happened. Once she grows older, she will naturally forget about it and collect the beautiful memories that I have in store for her. She won't hold grudges against him.
And if ever he acknowledges her as his daughter, mas magiging madali ang pagpasok niya sa buhay ni Cami. She's still at that age where she can welcome anyone into her life and familiarize herself with them. They can build a bond easily as father and daughter.
This is a win-win situation. This is the sign I've been waiting for.
"When are you planning to fly back to Manila?" tanong ni Macy.
"Aayusin ko lang ang mga papel ni Cami. Kung tutuloy kami, we'll fly as soon as we can," I answered and tilted my head while looking at her. "Sasama ka ba umuwi if ever?"
Since this is also connected to Art, baka gusto niya ring sumama sa amin pag-uwi.
"Of course! Sasama ako!" Macy exclaimed at mukhang medyo na-offend ko pa siya dahil kinailangan kong magtanong. "You think I'll let you go home alone? Sino'ng mag-aalaga kay Cami kapag wala ka? You will need me there."
Napangiti ako nang hinarap niya si Cami upang ngitian, reassuring my daughter that we would always have her with us. Kaya nga lang, I couldn't help thinking that she had other things to consider.
"Papayagan ka ba ni Wil?" nag-aalangan kong tanong.
"He'll come with us. Sinabihan ko na siya," sabi niya habang pinupunasan ang kamay ni Cami.
Wil is Macy's boyfriend. He's the only one who managed to break her walls and teach her to love again. It was a long courting process, and I'm happy that Macy had finally moved on and allowed herself to let another man into her life.
"And besides, that case is also connected to Art. Wil knows about it. He supports the idea that I should go with you," dagdag ni Macy. "I need to come home now more than ever. Para kay Art. Para sa inyo ni Cami."
As if my daughter understood her well, Cami reached out her hand to touch Macy's cheek and genuinely smiled at her. Napaawang ang mga labi ni Macy at napatitig kay Cami.
It feels good to know that I'm not alone. I have my daughter to fight for, and I also have Macy to give us a hand whenever I need it. Kung kanina ay nagdadalawang-isip pa ako sa pag-uwi, ngayon ay buo na ang loob ko.
I'm going back.
We're going home.