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Chapter 51

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Chapter 51
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I made a deal with the devil.

To save my mother, I gave in to the temptation and accepted Mrs. Dela Vega's offer. Bale wala na sa akin ang hiningi niyang kapalit. I willingly signed all the papers needed to nullify my marriage with Xaiver. Si Mrs. Dela Vega na mismo ang maglalakad no'n dahil gusto niyang makasiguradong wala na talaga kaming koneksyon ng anak niya sa isa't isa.

Her efficiency didn't fail me. Agad niyang naayos ang lahat ng kailangan namin ni Mama. She bent all the rules and used her influence para makalipad kami agad papuntang Amerika. She also booked us a private appointment with a renowned nephrologist, whom she was acquainted with. She did everything for us.

Parehas ang naging resulta ng mga test ni Mama. Kailangan niya ng kidney transplant sa lalong madaling panahon.

Wala na kaming dapat problemahin. We didn't have to spend a cent on the operation. Gaya ng pangako ni Mrs. Dela Vega, sagot niya ang lahat. Ang problema lang ay kailangan pa naming maghintay ng available kidney. We were put on the waitlist.

Araw-araw kaming naghihintay. Araw-araw na umaasa. But while desperately waiting, my mother didn't make it.

I woke up the next day only to find her lifeless on her hospital bed. Hindi na niya nagawang maghintay. Hindi na kinayang umasa. Hindi na nagawang lumaban.

I didn't realize that after making that deal with the devil, I also set my soul on fire. Losing her was like going on a trip down to hell.

It was the darkest day of my life. I cried hard until I had no strength to do so... until those tears dried on their own. Akala ko kagaya nang dati, I would feel numb after exposing all my emotions, but I was wrong. Nanatili ang sakit. It went deeper and deeper. Habang mas tumatagal, mas sumasakit.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. I just lost my mother, and I was in a foreign country. I didn't know the process. I was lost. Hirap na hirap ako. I didn't know anyone around me. Wala akong kaibigan na malalapitan upang mahingan ng tulong. Wala akong makapitan dahil ako na lang talagang mag-isa ang naiwan.

Out of pity, I was fortunate enough that the doctor kindly helped us with all the preparation. The remaining funds from Xaiver's mother were used for her cremation and burial. Kahit na ayaw kong i-cremate siya, iyon ang gusto niya at gagawin ko ang lahat, masunod lang 'yon.

Lumipat din ako ng apartment na mas mura. Studio-type iyon na pang-isang tao lang. I decided I shouldn't stay at the apartment that Mrs. Dela Vega has prepared for us if I wanted to start anew, kaya tuluyan ko nang pinutol ang koneksyon ko sa kanila.

At nang napag-isa na ako, doon nagsimulang bumalik sa akin ang lahat. I started blaming and hating myself again. Naging pabaya ako. Napabayaan ko siya.

I felt miserable, and I didn't do anything to make myself feel better dahil tama lang na ganoon ang maramdaman ko. I deserve to feel the pain. I deserve to suffer those consequences. I deserve to be alone.

I thought of coming back to the Philippines, pero wala na rin naman akong babalikan at ayaw ko ring iwan si Mama. It would cost a lot to transfer her remains. I needed to save the money I had left, lalo na't mahal ang cost of living sa Amerika.

It took me a while to pick myself up. Naghanap ako ng trabaho para may panggastos ako. I continued living even when I didn't have the will to do so. Kahit wala nang matinding dahilan para mabuhay. Kahit hindi ko alam kung saan ulit talaga magsisimula, lalo na't pakiramdam ko ay muli akong nakatayo sa dulo ng bangin.

"Congratulations! You are six weeks pregnant!" The doctor was all smiles as she broke the news to me, while I didn't even know how to react.

Congratulations? Is it even something to celebrate?