Percy,
July 21, 2021,
1:52 pm.
I was definitely in a hurry to get back home. My class had been with the preschool at the local college, so it wasn't exactly the most precision work. It didn't require intense focus. Mostly I was just supervising children as they slammed piano keys and beat mallets on xylophone tiles. It left plenty of room for my mind to wander.
When I was leaving, my departure was met with a round of tiny sticky fingered hugs around my legs and a chorus of small voices shouting, "Thank you Mr. Valentine!"
The childlike voices brought about of stabbing pain in my chest because the one voice I wanted to hear was still being very suddenly kept from me. Leah hadn't been back home in two nights. I'd only seen Flynn a handful of times through grainy FaceTime videos. I'd failed to be present when he went down for his naps and bedtime for two whole days. I'd never missed a day of his life and now I'd been gone for two whole days.
When confronted with that, the fact that I was spending time with a bunch of other peoples children just felt ludicrous. I needed to be there for my own.
I'd found myself unable to relax for days in the wake of Leah's departure. I normally loved this class at the college. I never intended to teach private music lessons. I'd always wanted to be a music teacher for small classes of children and although I hadn't finished getting my masters to actually teach in elementary schools like I'd planned, a preschool was the next best option in my book. I liked the college anyways. I hadn't gone to this particular school and I'd only gotten in to teach because a friend of a friend had invited me, but university campuses were still one of my favorite places to roam. Everything was colorful and exciting all the time. Driven, young and successful people were everywhere. The energies of youths with futures were abundant.
Plus there was a bagel shop on campus that was absolutely life changing.
After my class I went to the shop to pick up lunch before I planned to walk home. It wasn't a long walk down to the high rise, but I knew Riley wasn't going to be up for eating, so I wanted to eat before I got into his presence. He was probably going to be nauseas. I didn't want to eat infront of him at risk of making it worse. Last time he'd made an attempt at sobriety, he'd practically lived on the bathroom floor for several days due to the retching.
I was acutely aware that Riley wasn't even in the worst of it. He was uncomfortable. That much was obvious, but it wasn't anything compared to where I'd seen him get before. Going in and out of substance use just wasn't abnormal for him, and in the long term he'd been oddly and cyclically committed to it with very little fight. I'd seen him skip a few days until he got mopey and irritable before going back to using. I'd also seen him stop completely for nearly a month where he'd just sit in his room watching rom coms and crying at night as if he thought I couldn't hear. That hadn't happened since Los Angeles when he'd finished the movie and sobered up for the PR and premieres. Riley being off drugs for prolonged time hadn't ever actually happened beyond that. The best I'd actually seen him do was during this past 2 years when Leah, and eventually Flynn, had lived with us. I'd never been under the illusion that he was clean and sober, but he'd seemed managed. He'd not caused huge ripples, or at least he hadn't until this summer when things seemed to be very suddenly falling apart.
"Percy?"
I looked up at my name. I'd been lost in thought infront of the bagel shop, absentmindedly staring at the bulletin board of events, clubs and jobs offered on and around the campus. It sounded like my name had been repeated a few times based on her tone of voice.
Behind the bagel counter was a familiar woman clad in an apron, her hair pulled back under a hat with the bagel shop logo on it. She seemed amused to see me so distracted. On a regular day, I'd likely stand there talking to her for far too long. She was holding out the white paper wrapped bagel in my direction.
"Oh," I said. "Thanks Nadia. Sorry about that."
I took the bagel and began to step away in the opposite direction.
"Wait," she called. "Aren't you going to take the flyer?"
I paused, my eyebrows screwing together in confusion.
"The one you were looking at," she clarified, gesturing to the bulletin wall. "Take it. I think you'd be good for it. Kids love you."
I was still confused, but I followed the direction of her outstretched finger over to the wall I'd been absentmindedly staring at again. In truth, my brain had been occupied with thoughts about Leah and Flynn and Riley and the whole mess we were in. When I got myself focused enough to read the flyer, I realized why she thought I'd have been interested.
"Oh," I mumbled, pulling it off the wall. "Yeah, okay."
"You'd be really good for it," Nadia said again. She smiled earnestly.
"Thanks," I said again. Then I headed for the exit before I needlessly explained all the reasons why I thought it was a bad idea for me to take on such a role.
Since I was already having a stressful few days, I allowed myself to meander on the way home. I generally tried to rush to get back to Leah and Flynn after work. I wanted to be a working parent, but I also wanted Flynn to remember me walking into our home with a haste. I wanted him to know I always rushed to come back to him. Since he wasn't home, I didn't rush.
Instead, I walked down the park blocks towards the farmers market just a few blocks off of the university. It was ending already. Most of the booths were in the process of packing up for the day. The consumers had all mostly made their way out. That was convenient for me because I had a clear view of the person I instinctively found myself searching for.
Poppy was at the very end. Her booth was mostly cleared out and the remaining treats were packed away. She was bent over the table as I approached, her dark fringe of hair falling into her face as she wiped the surface with a damp cloth. She didn't ever look up to see me coming.
Logic told me to keep walking without making my presence known. I had enough issues without giving the fluttering in my stomach much thought or attention. My relationship was already in shambles. It was a terrible idea for me to let my attentions be split elsewhere.
Regardless of those doubting thoughts, I let my feet keep moving in her direction until I was standing directly infront of Poppy's table. I watched her note my shadow cast across the damp surface. When she looked up to investigate the shadows source, her eyes landed one me and her lips curled into a wide smile.
"Am I hallucinating?" She asked, straightening up with a giggle escaping her lips. "Or is the Percy Valentine gracing me with his presence on a Wednesday?"
I rolled my eyes and stifled a laugh. "I'm just passing through."
"Was it a music class day?" She asked, abandoning the wet rag to give me her full attention. "Or am I just incredibly lucky?"
"Music class," I answered. "I'm taking the long way home."
"Where's Riley?" She questioned. "Don't you drag him to music class sometimes?"
My stomach twisted at the mention of Riley. I shoved the discomfort down. "He's not feeling well today," I said. "Stomach bug or something."
"Oh no," she exclaimed softly in sympathy. "Poor thing. As if he's not already dealing with enough already. I hope he feels better soon. I'd send you with treats for him, but I'm sure that'd make it worse."
Absolutely.
"Probably," I agreed.
"What's that in your hand there?" She asked.
At first I thought she was gesturing to the still wrapped bagel that I'd failed to actually eat so far, but then I realized she was looking at the small half sheet of paper still clutched in my fist. I'd almost forgotten about it while walking.
"Oh, it's nothing," I shrugged. "Just a flyer for a job or something."
Poppy smirked. While I was noting the little sparkle that expression brought to her eyes, she caught me off guard by playfully snatching the paper. As soon as her eyes landed on it, they widened in excitement.
"No way!" She exclaimed. "Are you actually going to apply for this?"
I snatched the paper back, letting my eyes look at the words again. The advertised job was for a youth director for the musical theatre program at the Melman auditorium. It was accompanied by the job description, and pay rate. I hadn't actually read the details before. There was also a cartoon graphic of a gaggle of children on a red curtained stage, reminding me of a time in the very distant past when I'd seen my first musical at 3 years old and then subsequently asked my mom to let me be on the stage. One of my first big performances had been at Melmans when I was 6. Musical theatre was where everything in my life began. It made me smile just a little bit.
"No," I answered, folding the sheet in half. I tucked it in my pocket and shoved down the giddy feeling I'd felt reading through it again. "No, I don't have time for something like that. I'm too busy with Flynn and Leah and all the private lessons."
"What?" She exclaimed quite dramatically.
Around us, most people were finishing up when collecting their booths. Poppy had completely stopped her progress to converse with me. I almost felt kind of bad about it. A better person than myself would have left her to finish up her business.
"I'm busy," I began to repeat.
"No!" She cut me off. There was still a fiery loudness about her that was bringing a smile to my cheeks. Her intensity and passion were almost amusing. "No, Percy! That job is perfect for you! You'd just have to quit doing the private lessons."
"My students—"
"They could find another teacher," Poppy informed me matter of factly. "You know plenty of people you could refer all of them too if you had to. You'd have so much fun with the theatre! You know you would!"
I sighed dramatically and put a hand on Poppy's shoulder to stop her excited bouncing. "I don't even know if I'd get the job. Read the description. They want a masters student."
Poppy's expression turned devious, like she knew a secret I didn't know. I was about to inquire when she let the expression spread into a full grin and then said, "You'd get the job for sure."
"How do you know?" I asked, sure she had something to spill on the topic.
"Because I know the director of the programs there," she said. "And if I called them and told them that Percy fucking Valentine wanted the job, they'd give it to you. They'd even probably help you get the graduate degree so you could go teach afterwards. They're really big on professional development and—"
"Penelope," another voice cut her off. Poppy and I both looked to the side to see a man standing there in a black polo shirt, holding a clipboard. "I'm just reminding you that the streetmarkets agreement with the city says we promise to have all our booths vacated by 2:30. I don't want to have any problems okay?"
Poppy nodded vigorously and picked the wet cloth back up. She began vigorously scrubbing the surface again. "I'm on it Roger."
As the man wandered back in to issue his warnings to the remaining stragglers, I turned back to her. "I should get going," I said earnestly. "I'm being a distraction."
"Oh, don't mind him. He's a killjoy," she said, tossing the rag aside and moving to fold up her chair. "And you're the most welcome distraction. You should probably get going though. I don't want to keep you from Flynn."
Her cheery attitude kept me from informing her that Flynn most definitely wasn't waiting at home for me. I didn't want to burden her with something like that.
"You should definitely give the theatre thing some thought though," she added, looking back at me with a serious expression. "I think the experience would mean a lot to you. And Flynn could even be involved. I've heard everyone at Melman is huge on family. Don't miss out on a good opportunity for no good reason."
She sounded so earnest, that I couldn't help but pause.
"Think it over," she said. "And then call me and I'll call my friend at the Melman Auditorium, and all your dreams can come true."
I forced myself to laugh so I couldn't have to think about how much I really liked that plan.
"I'll keep that in mind," I told her.
"You better," she laughed.
When I finally left Poppy to finish up her tasks, I found myself a little too captivated by the idea. Before, it had just been a passing thought, but Poppy had a few valid points that were now encapsulating my brain. Musical theatre was a big part of my development as a human. I majored in music specifically because I missed it after a decade on the sitcom. I always dreamed I'd go back to it.
But it was a full time job. I specifically didn't work full time because I wanted to be available to Flynn. Leah would probably lose it if I started working full time for no good reason.
Leah.
The person currently refusing to let me see my child. The person who had yelled at me on the phone just that very morning. The person who might have dumped me this week without really clarifying that I was definitely dumped.
My life was way too messy for a new job. I couldn't take on a big responsibility like that given everything else that was happening. I couldn't invite a massive change into my life without thinking of all the factors.
I thought about how excited Poppy had been about the entire thing. She was always high energy and enthusiastic about everything, but that didn't stop me from reading into it. Did she really think I was capable of something like that? Was I wrong for allowing her positivity to stir in my brain so aggressively?
When she smiled at me, it was like she really meant it.
To distract myself from that dangerous thought, I pulled out my phone and dialed Riley's number. It went straight to voicemail and I deduced his phone was likely dead again. That meant he'd at least gotten out of bed to touch it. That was hopefully a good sign.
My next step was dialing Leah. I had to take a deep breath before I did it. The likelihood of my heart giving out spontaneously was too high to measure. I shouldn't have been so scared to call her. It wasn't fair that she was making this so difficult and alarming for me. I knew that, but I couldn't figure out how to word it in a way that made sense to her. Those loose conversations I'd had with the lawyer about the situation were ringing in my ears too. I'd been dismissive of the need for legal action, even though I knew I was the only way to ensure I never had to go through this again. I was trying to handle it in a civil way. A healthy coparenting way.
Why wouldn't Leah just work with me on it?
She waited until the last possible ring to answer. I thought she was going to ignore me. I was actually becoming very scared of that.
"We're busy," she said dismissively. "What do you need?"
I swallowed down the rude impulse that had surfaced immediately. I didn't think saying, "I have a lawyer and if you don't bring my son back soon I'm going to serve you," was going to help things at all.
"I just want to know how he is," I said gently.
"He's fine," she said with a sigh. "You saw him on FaceTime this morning. He's perfectly well. We'll call again before bedtime tonight."
I felt that knifelike feeling in my chest again.
"So you don't plan on coming home tonight?" I asked, as if I didn't have a perfect echo of her answer still ringing in my head from the past two evenings.
"I'm not ready to bring him there," Leah said as if reciting a well known fact that I should have gathered.
"That's his home," I said.
"He's a baby," she deadpanned. "As long as someone cuddles him, he sleeps just fine wherever he is."
"Is that true?" I asked. I recalled the tears I'd seen on his face during the call the previous time. I saw stress in his face. I knew it was there. He was a baby, but he wasn't oblivious. He was curious and attentive and wonderful. He was confused about all of this. "Leah, can we please talk about this? A real conversation."
"I just said we were busy," she said insistently, a slight whine in her tone.
"Doing what?" I questioned.
"That isn't really your business," she said.
"My son..." I started. Then I trailed off because I knew it was pointless. "This can't go on forever. You understand that right?"
There was a pause. My brain drifted back to the helpful lawyer. The way he'd explained my rights to me, and the steps he wanted to take. I was the one hesitating to pull the trigger. I really wanted Leah to stop forcing the safety off.
"Yeah," she said eventually. "I'm aware."
She hung up shortly after. I'm not positive about whether or not either of us said goodbye. I was too busy listening to the echoes of the lawyer.
I arrived home shortly after. I'd simply forgotten to eat my bagel, so it was still clutched in my hand. The heat from outside had kept it quite warm.
My first instinct was to find Riley. The house was silent, but I was sure he'd be around. I couldn't envision him leaving unless he was choosing the bail. I'd given him an ultimatum though. If he bailed, I had no idea what I'd do. I couldn't choose him over Flynn. He'd just be alone. Everything I'd ever done to help or protect him would simply cease.
I found him on the sofa which calmed the questions stirring in my brain. He was on his back facing up towards the ceiling with his eyes clamped shut. I could tell by the easy rise and fall of his chest that he was asleep. He'd likely been so for a while. Despite that, he still tremored slightly, like he was shivering the tiniest of shivers. He was sweating too. I could see his hair plastered to his forhead like it had been glued down. His shirt had sweat spots marking it.
It wasn't until I was fully into the room that I could really see the details of his appearance. I could see his sunken cheeks and eyes. His jaw was tight and perpetually tight. His features thin. Up close I could also see the slight bruising on his throat. It trailed down to his collar bones and disappeared under his shirt. I'd noticed it the previous day when all the excitement of what happened had worn off. I wanted to question where it had come from and how far it went down his chest. I wanted to question if it had anything to do with the poorly concealed bruises that also adorned his arms alongside his tattoos. I was certain I wouldn't like Riley's answer, so I hadn't asked.
I also noted his phone on the floor next to the sofa. It was dead like I'd envisioned. I picked it up and made my way to the kitchen, where I placed it on a the charger again. The screen lit up almost immediately. I thought about using curiosity to propel me into seeing what he'd done on it in my absence. I imagined nefarious messages, or more browsing YouTube to watch videos of his mother publically bullying him like I'd heard him doing before. I decided not to look.
There was a loneliness in my house that hadn't been there just a few days prior. It was pushing down on my shoulders like lead weights out of nowhere. I found intense discomfort in it, so when I made my way back to the living room I just settled myself on the floor infront of the sofa. I ate my bagel to the sound of Riley's soft snores. It was a poor substitute for the giggles of my child. I noted that for sure.
It was still better than being alone.