Khushi was having her breakfast when the wails carried over to where she was. She entered the bedroom to see Rian wiggling and his tiny face scrunches up. She looked at the washroom door, the shower was on, she could hear it. The baby kept wailing and Khushi froze in place. She bent to pick him up but couldn't will herself to pick him.
She twisted her fingers across her palm and looked at the baby helplessly.
"For God's sake! Khushi!" Kushi jumped as he yelled and picked the baby up soothing him.
"What is wrong with you?! He could've suffocated himself from crying!"
All she could do was dumbly stare at him. She opened her mouth to explain but nothing came out except puffs of air.
"Leave it Khushi." He waved his free hand agitated and then said with his finger pointed to her,
"But I'm just going to say it straight out, if you have problems with me then deal with me, don't take it out on my son. He's just a baby. Now, please leave us alone."
***
Khushi was eventually tired of waiting for him so that she could apologise. And she was hungry too. She went out on search of him and also grab a bite.
She went down the restaurant and it was like a dagger had plunged into her chest. There he was, with the baby on his lap and beside him there was Shri and then there was Nats in front of them with her back facing Kushi.
Her stomach crumpled when Shri had her spoon lifted and he leaned down to take a bite. Kushi wanted to scream. She wanted to scream and fall apart so that everyone could witness her wounds.
Her wounds were vulnerable but she was so alone with them. The truth about their arrangement banged against her her tender heart. They were divorced, she remembered. He was a free man to pursue any woman he wanted. That was another bitter truth. Yet it didn't make the hurt any less.
She turned back and decided to leave instead of standing there bearing witness to the making of a perfect family.
***
"Where to?" Dhruv asked.
"To the bachelorette party. Drishti invited me."
He should be angry. He had been. He couldn't fathom why she just stood there while Roam screamed his lungs out.
"You guys are going somewhere?"
"Nah. We're just going to be at the bar." She said and the door was shut when she left.
He should be cool. He should be relaxed. Dhruv looked at Rian and then he sighed.
"Rian, it doesn't matter, right?"
Rian only chewed on his fingers agressively.
"But that dress was awfully short. So short. I mean, we men aren't supposed to police women's clothing but what do you think?"
Rian cooed at that. "You're so right. I should definitely go."
Dhruv felt agitated. He didn't know why. He changed Rian and dropped him off with Nats.
To not make it obvious, he went to the restaurant on the second floor. There he saw a familiar face.
"Oh hey. Tasha."
"Hi. What brings you here? Oh I know." She looked down.
Dhruv said nothing and took a seat and he could see the little group of women at the bar.
"You do know you're spiralling right? You need to continue your sessions."
"I know. Yesterday was bad. I've never felt this out of control." He said never taking eyes of the group.
"Maybe it's because you're trying to be controlled. Maybe you need to let go of control."
"I don't know...do you know she shoves me away whenever we are close." He said rubbing his jaw.
"And not just physically but emotionally too. It's like she can't stand the thought of me."
"I don't think she resents you. I think it has nothing to do with you."
"What do you mean?"
"I think you're dealing with this like men do. They're oblivious to what is happening right under their nose even when the signs are there."
Tasha only sighed and the smiled,
"Or maybe you're just a bad therapist. I mean, come on Dhruv, how could you not notice? Changing appearance like cutting off hair, plastic surgery, pushing family and loved ones away, indulging in alcohol, how could you not see? The woman is clearly going through something. She's coping."
He was silent for a moment. Tasha could very well be on the mark. But it was just so unbelievable for him.
"I don't understand why. She was the one who cheated and she was the one who wanted a divorce."
"I don't know but it seems unusual that she would do this out of the blue. You said your marriage was happy." Tasha shrugged.
"It was perfect." He said absentmindedly.
Now his vision shifted to the group of men on the other side of the bar. He could see the bastard from yesterday who specifically pointed to Khushi and then whispered something to his friends who all laughed.
His fingers clenched to a tight fist subconsciously.
"There are no perfect marriages, Dhruv. Coming back to the point, in my opinion her cheating and asking for a divorce were maybe her coping too....woah what is that? Her 5th shot?"
"7th. You're right. That's my cue." He said getting up. He could also see that a loser from the other group was making their way towards her.
***
"Dhruv!"
Her eyes were wide and she was smiling when he touched her elbow. That was sign enough that she wasn't sober.
"I think that's enough drinking for tonight, sweetheart." He placed the eight unfinished shit that she had on her hand.
"B-ut..."
"Let me take you to the room." He gently dragged her away from the group and waved a hand to her sister.
****
"Okay. Damn it! Khushi! Why did you drink so much?!" He couldn't control his annoyance. But she stumbled across the room and placed her finger on his lips.
"Shhhh! Can't you see? The babyyyyyyy he's sleeping." She said her eyes unfocused and her eyebrows cinched as if she was serious.
"Rian is with Nats. We're alone."
She was well halfway across the room already and clutched Rian's bunny to her chest. "Babyyyy...."
"That's not -"
"Shhh! He's sleeping." She scolded. She then laid the bunny on the couch and covered it with Rian's blanked.
"Okay. Why don't you go to sleep too then?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Thwack! thwack!" She knocked her forehead and winced.
"Do you have a headache again?"
She nodded vigorously and then stopped and winced.
"Okay how about a cup of coffee and then you go right to sleep." He guided her on the kitchenette stool.
"I don't drink coffee."
"Why not?" He said rummaging through the drawers.
"Because of you of cosh - of corsh. Of course!" She beamed at him and propped her elbows on the marble counter and cupped her own cheeks.
He stopped stunned for a moment and got the coffee pod and pushed it in the machine.
"Just drink it for today. Sober Khushi doesn't have to know. Come now." He whispered and made his voice light. She nodded in agreement and he turned away and opened the pack of complementary crackers that the hotel offered and slid it towards her.
"Now. Eat these. And tell me one thing."
He said and she busily inhaled the packet in minutes. She must've been hungry. He knew that. Her walls were down, he knew that too.
"Why did you cheat on me?"
"Ohhhh I didn't." She said her mouth full.
"You didn't? You lied?"
"That was the other Kushhh. Kishi. Kushi. Other Kushi." She beamed at getting it finally right.
The machine beeped and he watched the coffee drip into the mug and pushed it across the counter.
"Okay. Here you go. This is nothing like the excellent brew I usually make but this will get the job done for sure."
"Ahh! I missed your coffees." She sighed after taking a big gulp, the froth stuck in her upper lip and nose. She gulped down the coffee hastily and looked at him beaming with pride.
He reached out and wiped the froth away with his thumb. "Did you? I'm glad to know."
He froze when she caught her hand and she stamped her lips on his palm. That was enough to unman him. His breath hitched and he pulled his hand away.
"Are you done?" Let's get you to bed." He placed the mug in the sink and moved across the kitchen island only for her to wrap her arms around his waist, leaning her head on his chest.
"Dhruv. I missed you too. Not just your coffish. Fish? Cooffeeee. Don't be mad at me."
He chuckled. And brushed her hair at the top of her head. His heart burned and burned. He knew if she was sober she would never hug him willingly.
"Thank you, Drunk Kushi. But I don't think sober Kushi misses me much."
"No." She said quickly, "She misses you too. We both miss you, Dhruv."
He could feel his chest crack right open and it hurt all over not just his chest. He grabbed her wrists and pried her away from him before she could slay him with her words.
"Let's get you to bed, hmm?" He put her arm around his own shoulder and guided her towards the bedroom. But she ran away from him and slumped on the couch.
"No!"
"Kushi..." He said exasperated.
"Dhruuuuuv." She mimicked him with a lazy smile on her face.
"My shoes hurt..." She whined. He lowered himself on his haunches before her and removed the heels she was wearing.
"That feels good." She wiggled her toes.
He helped her with her other shoe and he stood up with his fists to his sides, "Now Khushi. No excuses. You will go straight to bed."
"No!" She pouted and crossed her arms.
"Kushi. Get up. Now." He felt frustrated and annoyed. This wasn't the first time she had gotten this drunk but in the past, he used to help her out of her shoes and her dress and then get her into bed and she used to sleep.
Sometimes when she refused, he used to stay up and talk to her and the tease her about all the things she said, the next morning.
But now what use were those deeds? What good were memories? Everything was gone in a poof. All that were left was devastation. He was wrecked to the core. Through the cracks slipped out years of anger that he had bottled up.
"Why are you doing this? What do you want?!"
What was left of him anymore away. He was nothing. All of his love, his heart, his trust, he had given it to her. And that wasn't enough. What else did she want?
"WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN?!" He shouted.
She cringed. He regretted. "YOU!"
"W-what?"
"Will you sleep with me on the bed?" Her voice tore and with that she tore his insides.
"Ofcourse. Ofcourse." He softened his voice and extended his hand. And have grasped his palm and stood up.
He had to support her by her waist and he let go as she plopped on the mattress and she pulled him with her too. He rolled away beside her.
"I missed this too." She giggled in a cheerful voice and guilt trashed against his heart. He looked at her and she was already looking at him with a droopy smile.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you, sweetheart." He said turning to the side and propping a elbow he rested his head on his palm.
"I'm sorry."
"That's okay. I deserved it."
He looked at her startled. "God no! You didn't deserve that." And she looked at him like she had said the most normal thing in the world.
"It's my thing." She shrugged.
"What is your thing?" He rubbed her arm up and down.
"I deserve bad things because I'm bad." She said grinning.
"No? You're not a bad person, my love. Where is this even coming from?"
"You're good. That's your thing." She pressed a finger to his chest.
"I'm not good."
"Take that back!" She pinched his cheek. "My Dhruv is a good person. "
She left his cheek alone and crossed her palms in her heart giving him a dreamy sigh. He could barely stop himself from laughing.
"Really?"
"Yes!" She nodded enthusiastic also.
"Then why did you leave Dhruv?"
A haunted look reached eyes and she blinked and then it was gone and she looked as if she couldn't quite register what he had said.
"I have to go the bathroom."
"Sure!" He drawled out not quite believing her and she got down from the bed and stumbled across the room reaching the bathroom.
She came back a few moments later, stumbling back until she plopped on the bed.
"Now you should sleep."
"Dhruv.... I don't want to sleep." She attempted a wink but it came off as her blinking very slowly and enlarging her eyes. The urge to laugh was bearable with the weird mix of despair that he was feeling.
"Okay, then we'll talk. Who was the guy you cheated on me with?"
"Okay I'm sleepy." She pulled the covers over her head.
He pulled the covers down and she shut her eyes tightly so much that her the corners around her eyes crinkled. "Oh? I thought you didn't want to sleep?"
She gave a fake snort, "Oh well. Kushi has slept. I'll just go out now." He said and made to move off the mattress.
Her hand shot out and pulled his t-shirt. "NO!"
"Fine. No questions from me." He sighed and slumped beside her crossing his elbows behind his head.
Now she turned on her stomach and propped her elbows and her hands on chin. "Did you miss me?"
She looked giddy so he nodded. Damned if he could even utter a word right now. His throat was choked with emotions which he refused to name.
"Do you dream about me?"
He nodded again. Giddy, she hid her face in his palm and giggled.
"Me too! I dream about you all the timeeee."
"Really? What am I doing in those dreams?"
"Sexy stuff." She said earnestly and he couldn't help but burst out laughing.
She laughed too plopping beside him and he saw that by now her eyes were closing on its own. Unknowingly she shifted closer to him and what else could be do except open his arms.
Her head nudged on his shoulder, he could feel her breathing catch a rhythm. He should ease her away, he thought but he couldn't. Instead the arm under her wound around on her waist and he gathered her closer. Her head pushed under his chin.
He swallowed the knot in his throat. He didn't want to admit that he had missed this. This bare and simple intimacy.
When they had divorced, he had tried to find it when he hooked up with a truckload of people in a couple of months. And yet nothing had came close to this.
The feeling of loneliness would never go away. No matter how crushed the party he attended was, how many people he took to bed, nothing washed it away.
He was furious at himself. He wanted to prove that she didn't matter to him at all and he could put his feelings aside and sleep around too. And he had done it all. But it only proved how miserable he actually was when the party died down and everyone left, he was still alone.
He thought he had craved a family. And that's why he decided to adopt a baby. He was determined to establish a family without her. It had been difficult when Rian was a newborn and he found himself crying frustrated tears along with Rian.
All of his friends looked at him as if he had finally snapped when he told them about Rian. Rian did keep him busy. He thought he had been successful in closing the gaping hole in his chest.
And yet, she had managed to rip it open and wider than it had been before. So, he didn't push her away. Just for tonight, he said to himself. He would allow himself to indulge in this just for tonight.
It would sustain him when a day would come when everything was difficult. He sighed and let his eyes shut. Just for a moment. He promised himself.
***
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