July 5, 1993
This past week has been eventful. All the running around, all the chaos, and to top it all off, Eddie. I've known him for less than a month. June 7 until now. This seems crazy and far fetched, even, but these past weeks i've spent here in Myrtle Beach, have been some of the best weeks of my life. I hate to admit it, but everyone has grown on me. But I still get scared, because by the end of the summer, I have to go back to school, I mean, after all, this is just a silly excuse for my mom to drink until her liver rots. Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends at home, like Bradley, and Will. But these people here, they're nice, funny, smart, and actually know how to put up with me, instead of just saying "Shut up, Tozier" mid laugh. I cant believe it's already been one month. But it's even harder to believe I only have about 1 and a half more. Thinking about going back to Derry, actually makes me homesick. Not of Derry, that excuse for a town, but for this place, that I've grown to love. Thinking about where I used to live, compared to now, it's different. A good different. The people back in that town didn't really want to get out much, and when they did, well, let's be honest, they never did. The people here are number one on my list of reasons to try and stay, despite my family. Beverly, the amazing girl whose convinced me to do so much, more that I ever thought I would be doing back in Derry, actually making
my teenage years worth it. Stanley. He's always the one encouraging me to keep up with reading, and he's also one of the reasons I choose to wake up in the morning, because without him, I would've never had these amazing, life changing friends, that I call family. I could go on and on and on about the people in my life that I love, but the whole point for having a diary or a fucking journal is to vent, right? Yep.
Yesterday, I received a letter from my mom. She told me this, and I quote:
"Hey, Richie Dear. Emma sent me a picture of you and your friends and I'm glad to see that you are getting along well with the people there. Every single day, I think, how much I would give up to be with you again. I know I'm a terrible, awful parent figure, and I blame myself everyday, for not having the chance to say a proper goodbye to you. I miss you, Richie. You're my only son, my only chance at being a mom, and I fucked up, for both of us. I hope you understand how much i love you and how sorry I am for everything i've done to you. Write me back as soon as you get the change. I love you, honey
-xx, Mom"
I feel bad. I don't know what to say, because reading this, over and over again, like I have been for the past 24 hours, had made me cry. She's my mom and I'm to blame for her broken heart, the only kid she ever had the opportunity to raise, and I run away. Something you may not know about me, is that before I was born, my mom had a miscarriage. It was supposed to be a girl. I could've had an older sister. But something went wrong. The doctors said she might never be able to have children again, and that made her devastated. She kept trying, and eventually, she had me, somehow healthy as ever, when I was born. The doctors said it was a miracle. And the only chance for her to be a good mom, to be a mom in general, I screw up. Just like I screw up everything else that's wrong with my life.
The only other thing I feel I need to vent about, is Eddie, and how I've been feeling. Getting to know Eddie over this past month has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'll wake up, and see the pictures of me and my friends that are hanging above my bed, and I'll see Eddie, and know it's going to be a good day. I've thought about things before, and yes, I know that's very vague. Eddie is one of the main reasons I'm happy most days, and the days I don't see him, or at least hear his voice, are the bad ones. The way he rants about anything he's passionate about, and just could keep going on about it for hours at a time. The way he flops into the ocean, knowing damn well it's going to hurt, with the waves crashing on him, it never fails to make me smile. The way HE smiles, the way he sees something and smiles at it if it's something that makes him happy, or just the smallest little gesture he does and makes. The way he walks into a room and the whole WORLD seems to light up along with him. The way he sings along with me in the car, blasting music, acting like we've known eachother our whole lives. Seeing the way he turns pink when I joke around about him. The way his freckles look like constellations you'd see in a night sky, or the way his hair perfectly waves whenever he gets it wet in the ocean. The way he smiles at me, just us two, when we talk. The way he does everything and anything is the reason I wake up. He's my best friend. My best friend.
- Richie Tozier.
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Word count-
971
This was just a filler chapter but i had to much fun writing it, but i'm sleepy now👋. GOODNIGHT