The only heaven I'll be sent to
is when I'm alone with you
I was born sick,
but I love it,
command me to be well
~~~
Minho doesn't remember ever being this worried. Well, saying he's worried sick right now is understandable.
Jisung is an adult and he can look after himself, so it's not that. Jisung is free to go and meet whoever; Minho can't prohibit him from that. Therefore, Jisung said he was going to meet someone and Minho let him go. Of course. He didn't think much of it at first.
However, what does Minho think of it now? He's fucking pacing to and fro in the livingroom, worrying his bottom lip, drawing blood, and listening to his heart that's going crazy.
He is not okay. Jisung is not okay.
He should have come back already. Where the fuck did he even go in the first place?
And who is this 'someone'?
Something is wrong. Something is wrong.
It's not that Minho doesn't trust Jisung. He trusts the younger boy with his whole heart, his whole body, his whole soul. However, he doesn't trust any other person who is in Jisung's presence.
Minho should have worried earlier. But then again: What diference would it have made?
Minho has seen the rather... low episode of the younger boy these past few weeks. At first it got him worried and he did everything he could think of to help. Jisung seemed to appreciate it but didn't seem feel be any better.
Minho could see how tired Jisung has been and no matter how much Minho regrets it he admits that he got tired as well. Constantly being there for a depressed person who might relapse at any given moment is so hard, draining. Minho has been scared to let Jisung out of his sight for even a second, afraid of what he might be capable of doing to himself.
Call Minho delusional, but sometimes his fears and worries have been timely and useful.
He knows Jisung better than his own hands. Or he should. Therefore, he feels like a failure. He feels like he has failed Jisung, the love of his life.
He no longer cringes as he calls Jisung that.
Nevertheless, as he's now going through every possible scenario in his mind about what has happened or what is happening, he catches himself panicking.
He's usually good at remaining calm and cool, not seeing any reason in hysterical panicking. Although, right now he's slowly but surely losing control if he doesn't focus and be realistic.
He can't help but feel absolutely horrible. Jisung must have gotten tired of him as well, just left and didn't even say goodbye. Minho didn't either, just hummed and kept watching those cat videos of his.
Minho knows their terms have been... rather tensed up the past few days but it doesn't excuse Minho for being such an asshole. He should have worried. He should have asked. He should have done anything but just mind his business and let Jisung go.
It's conflicting and Minho hates it. And now Jisung is gone and have been for... four hours and twenty three minutes. Its a lot; Jisung usually runs out of his social energy battery after two hours. In addition, it's crazy late outside and Jisung isn't a fan of either darkness or coldness.
What if Jisung got mobbed? What if he got hurt? Injured? What if he got kidnapped or is now lying somewhere out there, alone and freezing to death? What if-
Before Minho lets any other horrible scenario invade his brain and his retinas, he grabs his phone and calls Jisung.
Calling has been feeling too nosey. What if Jisung is actually having a good time with his friend and then Minho interrupts his fun with calling just because Minho has a nauseating gut feeling telling him something is wrong, even if everything is perfectly fine? Jisung wouldn't approve it.
On the contrary, just hearing Jisung's voice right now would calm Minho's mind, that is in an alert mode currently, down.
It rings and rings, which feels like forever. Then it goes to the voicemail.
Fuck.
Maybe his phone died? It could be possible and would not be the first time, seeing the boy can be such a reckless feather-brain sometimes.
Minho sighs and throws his phone on the couch. He runs his hands through his hair in distress.
Nothing is helping.
Minho goes to the window. It's hard to see outside since he has lights on and the glass reflects his own reflection. However, the little dots of city lights are glistening as well as the starry sky which looks beautiful above the sleeping city.
It's quiet as well but taking into account the current time as well as the temperature no one is wanting to go outside.
Minho does though.
Without any second thoughts which might make him back down, he's walking out through the front foor.
He could use a walk, just walking around and clearing his thoughts and feelings. He feels like a mess anyway.
He wonders where Jisung might have gone to. He doesn't know Jisung's friends all that well. Jisung never talks about them or mentions them in any context. This in mind makes Minho somehow even more worried.
Jisung isn't a troublemaker or a type to get in trouble even on accident. He can be childish and dumb sometimes but he can handle things like an adult. Minho doesn't doubt him for a second.
What he does doubt, however, is other people which have been proved to be assholes.
The streets are empty as Minho walks in a tranquil pace, not hurrying a second, even though something in him tells him to. He's wearing his thickest coat, a beanie as well as mittens on his hands. He puts his hands in his pockets and buries his face deeper into the scarf as an icy breeze hits him in the face.
God, it's absolutely freezing.
The streets are snowy but as dirty and dingy as one can imagine streets in a huge city being. Some stores have christmas lights already decorating the windows which creates a warm vibe inside Minho.
Christmas is Minho's favorite holiday. Maybe this year he would be able to spend it with Jisung. The thought creates a smile on his lips.
He passes by a tall, massive looking building. Four Seasons Hotel of Seoul. He has been there once; When his aunt was visiting Seoul, he went to see her there.
Minho kind of misses her. Cancer took her away a year ago. Although, Minho has never felt any too familiar connections between him and his relatives.
He continues his steps mindlessly. Taking into account how late it is as well as Minho's usual bedtime, he isn't familiar with staying up this late, let alone wandering around the city in the middle of the night. However, he isn't tired. His heart is beating crazily, more than ever.
Something catches his eyes. On the ground, in the snow, there are traces that look like someone has been crawling or something has been dragged along the ground. They lead to an alley which is darker, the light if the streetlights not reaching around the corner properly.
Curse Minho's curious mind but he follows the traces.
He isn't afraid of robbers or dark alleys, but maybe... maybe he should. But Minho doesn't sense a suspicious vibe of a trap or anything.
He stops in his steps, freezing, as he hears something.
A whimper. Soft breaths.
He looks around and goes further until he sees something in the dark, huddled up next to a wall.
There's a figure of a person in the shadow.
Minho takes a step closer, careful.
"Hey..." he speaks softly, not to scare the person or sound threatening.
The person doesn't response.
They must be injured or something. Or maybe suffering from hypothermia. Although, the person isn't trembling, just sitting limply against the wall. They must be in a terrible condition.
Minho takes another step closer to see the person's face.
As he does, his heart stops.
Jisung?
Oh, God. It is Jisung.
Minho starts panicking instantly.
"Jisung?" he goes closer to Jisung so he's right in front of him, kneeling down to get a better look at his face. "Can you hear me? Hey- Oh God..." Jisung's face is pale, with no color. He has his eyes closed and there are visible dried stains of tears on his cheeks.
Minho goes to cup Jisung's face and he hisses at how cold the skin is.
Minho doesn't hesitate to fish his phone from his pocket and dials 119. He tells them to hurry up, trusting that they can track his phone.
Meanwhile, focuses on the unconscious boy. He takes his coat off and maneuvers the younger boy so that he can wrap the coat around his shoulders. Minho hopes it's enough for now to provide some warmth as well as a sense of safety. He also places his beanie on the other's head and the mittens on his hands.
He cradles the limp, light body against him.
"Jisung? Hey, please- Can you hear me?" Minho checks his breathing which is faint and barely there but at least he is still breathing. Minho is able to hear his breathing wheezing slightly, weak whimpers escaping him. He must be in pain.
He feels the boy's pulse as well which is slow and steady.
Just keep it like that. Please, stay with me.
He eyes the younger boy, searching for any visible injuries. There is a huge bump on the side of his head but otherwise he looks fine-
Except he doesn't. Minho's heart stops beating once again as he sees the boy's clothes and the ground underneath him.
What-?
As Minho realizes there's blood everywhere, there's a spike of raw fear piercing through him. He tries to search where it is coming from and he sees the younger's hands covered with the dried crimson.
His wrists.
There are countless slits, looking angry and painful. Looking deep.
Minho has never seen something like this before. Something as severe as this before.
Something as scary as this before.
He gasps.
"Oh, baby" he exhales. "No, no, no... Why?"
He quickly gets rid of his scarf and ties it around the younger's wrists, adding pressure as much as he's able. He doesn't feel too cold, thanks to the adreline. However, he is a bit shaky still and the boy in front of him looks...
Dead.
"Jisung... Just... Hold on, help is coming... I'm here, you'll be okay, everything will be okay" Minho rants, even if he's sure the other can't hear him. He might as well comfort himself then. "I promise, you'll be okay, yeah? I promise" Minho speaks.
You can't die. You aren't going to die. You can't.
Minho feels something wet sliding down his cheeks, wiping it angrily away.
He can't cry now. Not now.
He holds the unconscious boy in his arms, praying to every god that they will be okay. That Jisung will be alive and well.
How does something like this even happen? How unlucky must they be?
Minho can't believe this. This feels like a nightmare, except it isn't. A living nightmare, real and right here, around Minho.
Minho sighs and places his head against Jisung's.
Please, let me wake up. Please, be okay.
~~~
"Minho!"
Minho hears his name being called. His head whips to the direction of the voice, eyes hopeful. He sees a middle aged woman - Jisung's mom - running to him. He can't help but feel a tad disappointed; He has been desperate for some news- some good news, but no one is telling him anything.
It's so dreadful, excruciating even, to sit in the hallway of the hospital, only the white walls and the fluorescent lamps as his company.
The woman reaches him, Minho standing up and bowing. "Hello, Mrs-"
"Oh, please, just call me Soyeon... How is he? What has happened? I was called and told Jisung is in the hospital and I took the first flight, I'm sorry it took so long, I-"
"Please, calm down, ma'am" they hear unfamiliar voice behind them. They both turn their heads and see a nurse walking to them. "You must be here for Han Jisung?"
"Yes"
"You must be Mrs Han?"
"Yes, I am"
"And you are?"
"Minho... Lee Minho, I found Jisung, I'm his b-" Minho pauses, looking at the nurse and then at the woman beside him, who looks back at him, eyes shining. Minho clears his throat. "His boyfriend" he says quickly and looks away.
"Right, well, I came to tell you that Jisung has been moved to a private room and you can come see him" the nurse tells them, the eyes of them both Minho and Jisung's mom widening.
They follow the nurse along a long corridor. Minho fights back the urge to jump on the walls.
It has been two days. Two days and he has been left on his own without any answers to his thousands of questions. He feels a great mix of relief and nervousness and it's driving him crazy.
The nurse stops at one gray door and opens it, going inside first.
Minho's whole world stops as he sees Jisung.
He's there, on the bed, under a white blanket and head on the pillow. His body looks so small and his hands that rest on the blanket look white and so fragile.
Minho craves to hold them.
The boy has a breathing mask on and all kinds of tubes connected to him. The sight truly is scary.
"I'm not a fortune-teller and the doctor is able to tell you more of the details later but... Jisung has a lot of physical injuries from bruises to a concussion. He has also lost a lot of blood and the cuts on his arms are... severe and alarming. There are some old scars as well which have healed nicely but... Jisung must have had some problems with mental health, if I'm right?"the nurse looks Minho and the woman in turns. They all look at each other for a moment.
"Yes-"
"Yeah, he has these depressive episodes from time to time and he- he self harms, yeah, but- I don't know much about it, Jisung never really talks about it" Minho explains, seeing how uncomfortable Jisung's mom has gotten because of the topic.
"I see... But that's a thing to discuss more if Jisung wakes up-"
"If?"
"What does that 'if' mean?"
Minho and the woman asks in unison, both frowning and looking at the nurse for some answers.
"Unfortunately, Jisung is in a critical condition. In addition to the blood loss, his body was generally very, very weak... he was suffering from hypothermia and if he makes it through these first days, he will lost likely fall into a coma"
"But is there a chance that he- that he makes it?"
"There is but it's... I don't know yet, the doctor may know more... I suggest you not to get your hopes high too early but not fall into complete despair either, we just have to wait and see" the nurse explains.
"If you have anything to ask, press that red button there, otherwise, I'll be off now" the nurse speaks and is out the door in a second.
Minho sighs and runs his hands through his hair. He tries to process the nurse's words, trying to find the meaning behind them. He has to admit: He's tired. It has been a couple of days but it feels like an eternity. Minho hasn't left the building at all, surviving with the stuff from the vending machine.
There is this feeling of being obligated to be here, for Jisung, even though there's nothing for him to do. He just... can't leave.
It's painful. There has been only few news. They haven't helped Minho's mindset, only worrying him more.
He's fucking scared right now.
The way the paramedics had to rip Jisung away from him and the way the boy had been rushed behind the door Minho wasn't allowed to enter to broke Minho's heart. It feels so unfair.
He still can't believe that night has been real. That all of this is real.
"Minho... What exactly has happened?" Jisung's mom asks, voice shaky as she sits down on the plastic chair beside Jisung, taking one of the boy's pale hands in hers.
"I'm not sure honestly... He left in the evening, saying he was meeting someone, I didn't think much of it at first... I regret I didn't" Minho explains, shaking his head. "Then, hours went by and I got worried since it got so late and... I don't know what told me to do it but I went out, partly to look for him and partly to get some fresh air.." Minho continues, starting to pave around again.
"It was based on pure luck I found him, he was huddled up in an alley, limp and pale and so... dead looking... He wasn't responsive, it was so... so scary" Minho speaks, voice breaking. He feels tearful but he swallows the urge to cry down.
"I called an ambulance and that was pretty much it... He didn't have his jacket nor his phone nor... anything, really... and there was cuts all over him, there was blood everywhere" Minho speaks, stopping for a moment to think and draw a conclusion.
His overly tired brain isn't helping him to think clearly right now. Plus, the worry is clouding his sanity and making his heart squeeze painfully.
"Jisung, he... I can't lose him-"
"Minho, stop right there" the woman says, voice steadier and serious.
"Your worry is valid but let's not make assumptions, the nurse said all we can do is to wait" the woman says, gets up and goes to Minho. Minho looks at her. Oh, how similar the mother and the son look.
Minho cries out as the woman embraces him. Petting him and shushing him. Minho hardly ever cries but right now the damned dam is breaking. It could be because of the tiredness which brings sensitivity with it or the mess of emotions that Minho currently is.
He just needs comfort right now. He hates himself for not being able to stay strong.
Jisung needs him and Minho doesn't know how to do do better.
He has failed in protecting Jisung. He has failed in saving him. And the poor boy, unconscious on the hospital bed, fighting for his life is the prove of that.