When I miss you, I read our old conversations, smile like an idiot, listen to songs that remind me of you, then miss you more.
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Time skip to one year later... Grace- I know, time flies.
"Okay, guys. You ready?" Minji asked as we all sat in front of a computer screen because we were going to do a video call with the guys. It's been a year since Jungkook and the guys left again. We've done so much since then! Released an album, written songs, recreated music videos, red carpet appearances, BBMAS, AMAs, along with a bunch of Korean award shows like the MAMAs. Faith also released a single called Erase You and I think we both really related to it.
We finally won a Grammy! We won Pop Duo/Group Performance of the year for Butter! We all cried when they said "BTS!" It was a very emotional moment for us and Yunji cried as she made her speech while the rest of us were crying in the background. When I stepped up to speak, I said, "I want to first and foremost thank ARMYs and all that they've done for us. They've supported us at our best and worst and this award I'm holding right now doesn't mean anywhere near as much as you guys do to me. But, I also want to thank Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Seokjin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook for helping make this possible. Even though they're not here right now, they also won this award. They've worked their asses off for ten years to help us get to this moment. So, thank you guys and I miss you."
I miss the guys but something's up with Jungkook. Or maybe he's just busy. His letters have become very few and far between. I have maybe 15 letters from Jungkook but I've sent at least thirty, including a package of ramen because Jungkook told me the ramen there was terrible. I don't know what's going on because Jungkook would always reply quickly but sometimes it would be weeks until he'd finally send a letter.
"Yes! Just call them already!" Dari blurted out impatiently. "I want to see Jimin's cutie, sexy, lovely face again!" I snickered at Dari's comment.
"Damn girl, chill." Abby told Dari.
"I'm sorry, but I literally can't help it." we all laughed at her and Minji pressed the call button.
Almost immediately they answered, but I was confused when I didn't see Jungkook, "Where's Kookie?" I asked Namjoon.
Namjoon looked over his shoulder at something that couldn't be seen, "Jungkook as some very big news he wants to share with you all."
We all looked at each other confused, "What do you mean?"
Yoongi gestured, "Come on."
Jungkook then walked into view but with someone else, "Hi guys. I want you to meet my girlfriend Ji-eun, also known as IU."
Surprisingly, Jungkook saying that didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. In fact, I was happy for him; he deserves happiness and who am I to say otherwise? "Congratulations! We're so happy for you!" all of the girls looked at me funny, even Namjoon seemed to be expecting a different reaction.
Ji-eun smiled and waved, "It's so nice to meet you all! I've heard so much about you!"
Minji leaned forward, "So, how did y'all meet?"
Jungkook and Ji-eun looked at each other and I saw love in his eyes, "Well, Ji-eun actually enlisted in the Army as well and we just happened to bump into each other while we were on duty."
Ji-eun giggled, "Jungkook looked speechless and super awkward."
Jungkook protested, "I did not!"
We all laughed and Ji-eun shook her head, "You were stumbling over your words, you were like 'oh, um you're IU? I um, mean Jisoo, no no Ji-eun! Wh-wh-why are you here?'." she laughed at Jungkook's red face. "I was like, yes I am. And I told him why I was there, which was to serve my country. Then Jungkook just walked away and I didn't see him for a couple weeks until he asked if I wanted to go on a date, which would basically mean walking the base on our break hours."
Laughing at Ji-eun's story, Yunji asked, "And I'm guessing you said yes?"
She nodded, "Of course I did. Poor Kookie looked so nervous and I didn't want to embarrass him. I also thought he looked adorable."
"I can definitely imagine that." I remarked.
"Yah!" Jungkook yelled at me. "You're supposed to be on my side!"
Giving him a look, "Your side? What the hell are you talking about? I was just saying I agree."
"Whatever." he crossed his arms and pouted.
Ji-eun chuckled, "Come on, baby. This is so childish." she kissed his cheek and I felt my heart twist as I watched. Grace, you're over him. He's happy and that's all that matters. I told myself.
Jungkook's face melted into a bunny smile and blushed, "Okay."
Dari pulled me forward, "Guess what Grace got!" I rolled my eyes and turned my head, pulling back my hair to reveal a cartilage piercing I had gotten in my ear.
"Wow, Grace! I love it!" Jungkook applauded, as did the rest of the guys.
"Grace was the bravest out of all of us. None of us have the guts to get it." Faith remarked.
Giggling, I said "I told them it doesn't really hurt much more than a regular piercing, your ear just throbs for a while."
"We still aren't getting one." Yunji shook her head adamantly
We all chuckled and started chatting about the Grammy award and Faith's song. We talked for a while until Ji-eun interrupted me while I was talking, "Jungkook and I actually have a job together since we're both snipers but it's top secret." Crickets.
Jisoo broke the silence, "Congratulations." she said slowly. We all spoke then and did the same thing besides the awkwardness. About an hour passed before we had to end the call. "Good bye guys!" Minji said.
"Good bye, Jungkook-oppa!" I called out.
Something flickered in Ji-eun's eyes, "Oppa?"
Jungkook didn't respond, "Good bye, jamae!" Ji-eun relaxed, making me guess she thought something was going on between Jungkook and I, which made her jealous I guess. Minji ended the call and everyone turned to look at me and I held a bar I was about to take a bite out of in mid air, "What?"
Abby blurted out, "Jungkook has a fucking girlfriend and all you have to say is 'What?'"
"The fuck, Grace." Yunji gave me a disgusted look.
"Guys, I'm over Jungkook. I have been for a long time." Everyone gasped.
"Grace, are you serious? You were head over heels in love with him, you can't get rid of that overnight." Jisoo stated.
Looking away for a moment, "We weren't meant to be and I knew if I didn't move on, I would end up with a broken heart."
Faith placed a hand on my shoulder, "That wasn't an easy choice to make, Grace, and we respect that, but are you sure you've moved on?" she paused and searched my eyes, "Or are those feelings just buried deep down and they haven't had the chance to come out?" Her words struck my core and I wondered, Am I over him? Or is Faith right?
Shaking my head despite my worries, "I'm over him, I know it." I just have to convince myself that Faith is wrong.
The girls nodded and we all got up to go back to our apartments. When I got back I realized the reason why Jungkook wasn't replying to my letters was because of Ji-eun. He must've been so distracted by her, he had no thought about me. Walking to my standing mirror, I fingered the cross necklace Jungkook had given me for Christmas, the real diamonds glinting in the light. Turning to my dresser, I picked up the copied picture of Jungkook and I in the meadow. I smiled as I ran a finger down the frame, remembering our special moment together.
Setting it back down, I picked up my leather bound journal and pen, and sat on the bed. Flipping through the many pages of written words containing a story that may seem unbelievable to many but it's me. This journal contains joyful moments and the highs and lows of my life ever since I met BTS. Sighing, I put pen to paper and wrote.
Journal entry:
Ah, I guess I'm truly over Jungkook. He has a girlfriend now, and not only a girlfriend but his ideal type. IU, also known as Ji-eun. She's beautiful and enlisted in the military to serve her country! Jungkook seems so happy and that makes me happy. It didn't really hurt when he told us, which just confirmed what I already knew: I'm not in love with Jungkook anymore.
I now also know why Jungkook hasn't been responding to my letters. It was because he was dating Ji-eun and he was distracted by her so I didn't cross his mind. I'm glad he's found the one for him and I'm truly ecstatic for him. The love in his eyes whenever he looked at Ji-eun couldn't be mistaken for the real thing. I want to have a man look at me the way he looks at her; that's the only thing I can hope for.
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A week later...
Walking through the school halls, I was doubting I had gotten over my feelings for Jungkook. Faith's words were stuck in my mind for a reason. I passed a TV that was on and I stopped to look at it. It was broadcasting Jungkook and Ji-eun's dating announcement and I felt something squeeze my heart. Looking at Jungkook's bright smile as his arm was wrapped around her waist made my heart ache. For the first time in over a year, tears filled my eyes over Jungkook. Looking down at the tile floor, I walked away from the TV as a few tears fell onto my cheeks.
"Oof!" I heard a male voice saw as I bumped into someone because I was looking down at the ground. Glancing up in shock, my teary eyes met Niki's and I gasped, "Oh, I'm sorry. I gotta go." Brushing past him before he could say anything else, wiping my tears in embarrassment. Gripping my backpack straps tightly, my knuckles turning white, I walked to my next class.
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Niki's pov
Grace looked into my eyes, a few tears running down her face. Concern filled me and I reached out but Grace sputtered out, "Oh, I'm sorry. I gotta go." she brushed past me in a hurry and I watched her wipe her face. Reaching out again, I almost called out to her but a hand put my arm down. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her it was alright, that I would be there for her no matter what. I've had feelings for Grace pretty much ever since I met her. In fact, it was when she stood up to Yeri when I first started feeling things for her. Maybe that's why I let only her call me oppa. All I know is that I get butterflies whenever I'm around her. She only sees me as a friend, though I long for more.
Looking down, I saw Abby shake her head before watching Grace go. "What's going on with her?" I asked.
Abby sighed and looked up at the TV screen which had a photo of Jungkook and Ji-eun on it, announcing their relationship. Confused, I tilted my head at her and she shook her head, "It seems Grace really hasn't gotten over Jungkook." my heart stopped in my chest at those words.
"Jungkook?" I managed to get out.
She nodded, "She's been in love with Jungkook for a long time and she truly believes she'd gotten over him. But today shows she hasn't. She keeps running from her problems and shoving her feelings down. One day it's gonna blow up in her face if she doesn't face it now." she sighed and patted my arm. "I've tried to talk to her but she just shuts me off every time I broach the subject." she turned away but stopped and looked back, "Maybe you can talk to her."
She walked away and I headed back towards my class I had with Grace. Opening the door, I expected Grace's head to come up at the noise, but she kept on doodling in her notebook. Walking over to the desk we share, I slid in beside her, "Hey." she glanced at me but didn't respond and kept on drawing.
Irritated, I took the pencil out of her hand, making her head jerk up. Her blue eyes, which always enchanted me, became cold and stony. "Grace, are you okay?" concern etched my voice, despite her icy glare.
Jerking the pencil back, she snapped, "Of course I'm fine. What makes you think I'm not?"
"Jeez, I was just asking." I held my hands up in surrender.
She glared at me, "Then leave me the hell alone." shocked by her attitude but still resigned to not bother her anymore, I paid attention to the teacher instead. But every now and then I would glance over at her and see her doing school as well.
When the bell rang signaling the end of class, I followed Grace out even though she ignored me. Quietly following her, I noticed she was taking the long way to our next class. Once we were in a desolate hallway, I came up behind her and covered mouth before dragging her to a corner because I didn't want her to scream and alert somebody. Opening the door to the janitor's closet, I released her, backing her against the door.
Her fear-filled eyes changed into rage, "What the fuck Niki! You scared me to death! I asked you to leave me alone!" she started raising her voice again and I quickly covered her mouth. Leaning down to eye level, I whispered, "Shhh! Someone might hear us!"
She nodded and I removed my hand. Two seconds hadn't even passed before she whispered harshly, "Why the hell did you follow me and grab me like that?!" she demanded.
Pinching the bridge of my nose in irritation, I let out a short breath, "What's this about you and Jungkook?" God, I can't believe I'd ever say that.
A flicker of emotion crossed her face but she quickly covered it with a stony look, "There's nothing about Jungkook and I." she lifted her chin haughtily.
"Abby told me everything. You're in love with him?" her walls broke then and tears filled her eyes.
She looked down, "Not anymore."
One look at her face and I knew she didn't believe a word she was saying, and before I could stop myself, I said something I'd never thought I would say, "I wish you'd stop running from your problems and run to me instead."
Her head came up sharply, her crystal blue eyes filled with tears, "You're right. I need to stop running away and pushing my feelings down. Force of habit."
Tilting my head, "How come?"
She sighed and looked away briefly, "In gymnastics, they tell you to leave your emotions and feelings at home. When you're at the gym, you're there to work hard no matter what's going on in your life. From a young age I had to shove down and pretend everything was alright even if it wasn't. It was a really unhealthy atmosphere to be in at such a young age. Eventually, especially after the abuse I suffered from Edward, I just shut down, knowing that nobody truly cared about what I was feeling. The coaches just expected me to come in every day and pretend like my life was cupcakes and fucking rainbows." she smiled bitterly. "And that's why I'm this way."
Placing my hands on her shoulders, "But you don't have to."
Her shoulders slumped and she looked up at me with tears, but her face quickly changed, "I don't even know why I'm telling you this. It's not like you can change Jungkook's mind." she pushed my hands away.
Anger boiled inside of me and I pushed her against the wall, "For God's sake, could you just forget Jungkook and love me instead?!"
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Grace's pov
To say I was enraged at Niki for grabbing me and confronting me about Jungkook is an understatement. I started telling him why I shove my thoughts and emotions down for some reason. Anger filled me again as I looked up at him in tears before my face became stony, "I don't even know why I'm telling you this. It's not like can change Jungkook's mind." my words sank deep and anger filled Niki's eyes.
Shock rippled through me when he pushed me against the wall, a mixture of anger and passion in his brown eyes, making them almost black, "For God's sake, could you just forget Jungkook and love me instead?!" before I could say anything else, he crashed his lips onto mine.
Eyes widening in surprise, my hands went up in defense. Hot tears filled my eyes but I squeezed them shut. Niki removed his lips from mine for a second before kissing me again, only this time I kissed him back. As much as I tried to stop, I couldn't; I knew I was only kissing Niki to forget Jungkook and I was wronging him horribly. Surrendering to him, I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, trying desperately to forget Jungkook.
Niki moaned and wrapped his arms around my waist tightly, pulling me into him. When oxygen became a necessity we finally pulled away, foreheads touching. I kept my eyelids closed so I wouldn't have to look into Niki's eyes because I knew if I did I would break and stop. I tried not to but my eyes flickered open and I looked into his eyes for a moment, which were dark with passion. Eyelids fluttering shut, I leaned forward, kissing him on my own. Grace, what is wrong with you?
Hushing my inner voice, I dug my hands into his hair and parted my lips slightly. Niki ran a finger down my spine, sending chills through my body. If only it were Jungkook's. Niki's hands slid up my waist and he cupped the back of my head and ran his fingers through my thick hair. Gasping as I broke the kiss off, I heard him panting softly; he grabbed my chin gently before covering my mouth with his again. My hands slid down to his chest as he tipped my chin, deepening the kiss. He removed his lips from mine and leaned down, pressing his lips to the sensitive curve in my neck, eliciting a moan from me.
His lips trailed down my neck, his warm breath sending warm tendrils through my body. My head dropped back as I closed my eyes, wishing that I was in another's arms. Niki raised his head and pressed his parted lips onto mine again. Hands sliding up to his neck, Niki slid his hand underneath my thigh and lifted me up. Wrapping my legs around his hips, he set me on a table, never breaking the kiss. I gasped though whenever his hands slid up my thighs, about to go under my skirt when I remembered myself and what I was doing.
Niki stopped immediately, "What's wrong?" His voice was husky, making my heart pound.
His hands were still on my thighs and tears filled my eyes as I realized what I had done. There was such hope in Niki's eyes and I knew I put it there. And I also knew I was going to be the one to break his heart. Jumping off the table and brushing past him, he stood there in shock, "I'm sorry Niki." I choked out. That was all I managed to get out before I grasped my backpack and dashed out of the room.
I avoided Niki all day, even sitting by myself in a corner during lunch. Images of what had just occurred replayed in my head, guilt gripping my soul. Standing up, I walked to the trash can and dumped my practically uneaten food in the garbage, having lost any appetite I had left. Before I walked out of the cafeteria, I glanced at Niki and saw his head glancing around, obviously looking for me. When his eyes landed on me, they lit up and he stood up from the bench. Fear gripped me and I dashed out of the room, despite Niki calling loudly, "Grace!"
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Several weeks later...
I was walking down a hallway in HYBE, looking at my phone. I've been ignoring Niki for weeks now, even his texts; I have hundreds of texts from him and I leave him on read, which made him even more mad. Whenever we had lunch at school, I'd sit somewhere else. And I would take all the long ways to classes and if I ever happened to have a class with him, I asked the teacher if I could change seats. Yeri took my place beside Niki, not that I cared, even though Niki seemed irritated by her presence. I'd sometimes feel his gaze, but I would never meet it. I avoid him at all costs at HYBE as well, sometimes hiding behind one of the members if I ever see him. Yeonjun was especially confused when I grasped his sweater and pulled him into a corner with him in front of me. Our faces were very close and my cheeks heated up.
"Did you plan on kissing me?" he asked sardonically when I let him go.
"N-no. I'm hiding from someone." I whispered.
"Hiding?" he looked to the side but I grabbed his collar and brought him back down again. "You're hiding from Niki? What the heck?"
When Niki had actually gone the other way, I released him, "It's nothing." I brushed him off but Yeonjun wasn't satisfied even though he didn't press.
Broken out of my thoughts, I heard footsteps coming towards me. My head coming up sharply, my hand flew to my mouth to muffle my gasp. My head darted around looking for a place to hide. Seeing a hallway, I dashed into it but was dismayed when I remembered this hallway was a dead end. I pressed myself into a doorway as he passed, whistling to himself. I waited a few moments before peeking around the corner, seeing nobody, I let out a breath and started walking down the hallway again.
I hadn't gone more than ten feet before I was yanked into a room. My back was slammed against the door and I faced an angry Niki. His eyes were black, "We kiss and now you're ignoring me?" his voice filled with venom.
"Niki, I-" but he cut me off. "I thought we had something back there. You even took the lead at one point. What's going on?" his voice softened.
Looking down, I didn't speak for a few moments. Raising my head to look him in the eyes, "Niki, I shouldn't have kissed you."
He let out a short breath, "Are you kidding me? We both felt something. You and I both know it." he shoved his hands into his pockets as he looked down at me.
"What I mean is, we can't be together. I don't feel for you the way I feel for Jungkook. I see you as a friend." my voice was firm.
I could see my words struck hard and true as pain flickered across his face. A muscle jerked in his jaw as he paused, "I get it, I'm just dense."
Opening my mouth in protest, "Niki, no I-"
He held his hand up and I shut my mouth, "No, it's fine. It's just fine. Absolutely, completely fine that we made out and you don't feel a single thing for me." he opened the door and walked out.
I followed, "I'm sorry, Ni-"
His face was hard, I looked into his eyes and was frightened by the cold look he gave me, "Nice knowin' ya." he saluted sardonically and walked away, leaving me stunned. That's it? Our friendship is over, just like that? Hurt by Niki's words I might be, but it didn't change the fact I stabbed him in the heart by kissing him back. "None of this would've happened if I hadn't kissed him." I said to myself as I walked gloomily in the opposite direction of Niki.
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Tysm for reading! Sarangminda! Remember to vote, comment, and give this book a shout out!