I can't even count the amount of times I said I was fine because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.
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Grace's pov
A couple months later...
My alarm clock went off and I groaned as I smacked it aggressively, silencing it. Sitting up with slightly close eyes, my hair is probably a knotted up mess. Flipping my covers away, I swung my legs over the side and walked tiredly to my bathroom. Placing a hand on my stomach, I grimaced, noticing that I was bloated. I turned on the light and looked at myself in the mirror. "Ugh, my face is so puffy today. I look like garbage, as I do pretty much every day." I critiqued myself as I touched my face.
Turning around, I left the bathroom to grab my clothes and change. Combing through my closet, I picked out a baggy white t-shirt so I didn't have to look at my bloated waist, a pair of jeans shorts, and an oversized blue plaid shirt.Completing the outfit with my white Adidas, I set the clothes neatly on the bed so I could wear them after I workout.
Taking off my pajamas, I put on white athletic shorts with a sports bra and white netted look crop top.
Looking at myself in my floor to ceiling mirror, I felt an immediate blow of depression. I'm skipping lunch most days and trying to eat only 1500 calories a day and if I eat more than that, I feel guilty. I still had pretty much no space between my thighs, my arms aren't as lean as I want, my waist isn't anywhere near as small as it should be. I still had love handles that were bulging out on the sides of my shorts.
Whenever I was at the KBS Song Festival, I couldn't help but feel disgusted by myself and insecure because I was surrounded by women who were slender, had defined curves, small waists and arms, slender thighs and shapely calves. The only thing I have are the shapely calves. I'm very short, only 5'2" and have a short waist and have small hips.
I look like a rectangle right now, even with my strict diet of almost zero carbs and eating only twice a day. I work out every morning, dripping sweat and I am seeing pretty much no results. Even the rest of the members have an hourglass shape; they all have the kpop idol look and I'm the odd one out. I haven't told anyone about this because they would tell our manager and then he would get involved and prevent me from doing what I'm doing.
On the verge of tears, I grabbed a tissue box off my dresser and flung it across the room. Frustration overtook me and I threw everything on my dresser on the floor. Pressing my face into a pillow, letting out a scream and all the pent up emotions I had been keeping in. Collapsing to the ground, my throat closed with hot tears. Looking at the mess I made, my eyes landed on a small rectangular piece of paper. Realizing it was Jungkook's letter, another bunch of tears flowed down my cheeks. Reaching out to pick it up, a single tear fell on the envelope as I caressed his handwriting. Clutching it to my chest, I let my head fall back asI turned my head and looked in the mirror again.
Deciding to go even more extreme, "I'm going to do no carbs and cut back my calories to 1200 now since nothing else is working. I'll probably just have a protein shake in the morning to get me going and drink a lot of water to fill me up during the day." Feeling better with my decision, I put on my Adidas. Snatching up my phone and earbuds before heading into the kitchen to prepare my shake.
Abby was already sitting at the bar, eating some eggs and bacon. There was another plate that had the same thing, which I guess was for me. A fleeting moment of going back on my decision flickered in my mind, but I shook my head. Opening the fridge and pulling out the almond milk, I set it on the counter and got the protein mix off the top of the fridge. Putting a little bit of ice in the smoothie machine along with the milk and protein mix. Humming to myself and tapping my perfectly manicured nails on the corner as the machine was going.
Pouring the smoothie into a to-go cup, I was about to walk out of the room when Abby stopped me, "Aren't you going to eat breakfast? I made eggs and bacon."
Shaking my head, "Sorry, but I'll just have this shake. Thank you for cooking, though. You can have those eggs if you want. I'm going to the gym."
Abby looked at me with concern, "Are you sure?" God, everyone has been asking me that lately.
I started walking towards the door and opened it before responding, "Yes, I'm sure. I'm just not very hungry." I lied.
Abby gave me a suspicious look as she tilted her chin up and nodded slowly, "Okayy."
"See you at work." God that sounds so weird...I'm only sixteen and I have a serious job.
"See ya."
Walking out the door and exiting the main door, I looked both ways before crossing the parking lot to the gym. Pulling open the door, I walked to the StairMaster and put my shake in the cup holder. I took my Bluetooth earbuds out and placed them in my ears. Connecting them to my phone, I was feeling sad, so I decided to play my Romantic/Sad songs playlist.
Picking out my workout and playing my music, I started going. Euphoria came on after a few songs and I immediately felt my throat close. I feel as if a piece of me is missing now that Jungkook isn't around. All that I have of him is a sweatshirt he gave me and the letters he has sent me. To say I miss him is an understatement. Is it possible to miss someone so much that your heart aches and he's not even yours? It hurts even worse because I know he's still alive and well. At first I would just press my face into Jungkook's sweatshirt just to inhale his scent but it soon wore off. I cried hard that day, desperate for his embrace.
Wiping away tears so as to not draw unwanted attention to myself, I finished my workout in thirty minutes, dripping sweat. I walked back home and showered quickly. I threw my hair up into a messy bun, put the outfit I had picked out earlier on, added some light makeup and brushed my teeth before grabbing my phone and purse. Heading out the door, Minji was waiting for me in her black SUV; sliding into the passenger seat with a smile, I said hi and we then headed off. Knowing that my change in diet would work, I settled back and relaxed, all of my anxiety leaving me.
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A month later...
I looked in our practice mirror, stretching. I had lost a ton of weight and I was looking better than ever. My arms were thinner than I might like, but it's worth it. My legs are thinner than most idols and my waist is less than 24 inches around. I do sometimes feel bad because I don't eat as much, but I'm okay with it because I'm not gaining weight. Every time I try to eat more, I seem to gain weight. Some people might call me anorexic if they knew what I was doing, but I'm making sure I'm at least eating. I didn't eat breakfast this morning but I felt fine. I've also been taking vocal lessons even though I'm pretty sure it's hopeless. My teacher said that if my sister can sing beautifully, then I must have that gene locked up somewhere and we can try to get it out.
I walked out of the room to use the restroom and bumped into Niki, who I hadn't seen in while. He has been really busy lately, so he's had to do a lot of school here instead of in person. "Oh, hi Grace! I've missed you! It's been so long!" he gave me a big hug and I smiled.
"I missed you too!" I giggled and stepped back.
Niki then looked me up and down, eyes wide and he frowned...
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Niki's pov
I bumped into Grace and we both hugged, saying we missed each other. She stepped back and I looked her up and down and my eyes widened. She was so skinny! I haven't seen her in like a month and she's lost probably fifteen to twenty pounds! You could see in her neck by how thin it was, her arms were way smaller than they used to be and her legs were smaller than most female kpop idols.
"What?" her eyes narrowed and she got all defensive.
My eyes filled with concern, "Are you okay? You've lost a lot of weight."
She shook her head and shrugged me off, "Yeah, I've just made some changes to my diet because I was overweight."
Overweight?! The heck?! "You looked just fine to me."
"That's because I would wear loose clothing to hide it." she retorted.
Not at the KBS Song Festival, I wanted to say to her but didn't. "Oh, okay. Well, it was nice seeing you. I think I'll be at school next week." I gave her one last hug and discreetly felt her back and was shocked to feel how small she had gotten. I could wrap just my hands around her waist and my fingers would touch!
"Really! See you there! Yeri has been following me around asking me when you're coming back." she rolled her eyes.
"Hm." was all I could say as I sensed she was trying to change the subject. I smiled slightly before putting my hands in my pockets, thinking long and hard on what I should do. Manager-nim wasn't going to be here for another hour or so, but when he did I was going to tell him about what I saw. Before it's too late.
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Grace's pov
After the incident with Niki a few minutes ago, I looked in the bathroom mirror to inspect myself. I look fine, what is he talking about? Washing my hands, I examined my arms, shaking my hands off and getting some paper towels to dry my hands off. I still was shocked at Niki's reaction; none of the girls have said anything to me. I reached into my pocket and pulled a booster pill for my ADHD; popping it into my mouth, I used the sink water to swallow it. The booster pill helps me focus and also helps with the hunger cravings. I don't abuse the pills, I only use them whenever my medication wears off and I actually need the pill to focus.
Exiting the bathroom and heading back to the practice room, I got a little dizzy. "Whoa." Shaking my head to focus again, I continued walking; hunger pangs started again, but I ignored them. I'll just drink some water. I've been drinking more protein shakes and working out more with weights so that I can build a little more muscle because I've been feeling a bit weak lately.
Pushing open the door, I walked to the middle of the floor with the rest of the girls. We started doing Fake Love choreography because that was one of the songs we were doing English versions on. We went over the choreography for about an hour and I felt light-headed but I pushed through. Drinking some water after we finished going over Fake Love, we then went to practice Butter for about 45 minutes. My blood sugar was getting low so I just drank some more water which helped.
I was getting pretty dizzy once we started working on Dynamite. "You okay, Grace?" Dari stepped forward on the floor, concerned.
Shaking my head and squinting my eyes, "Uh, yeah yeah! Of course!" I chirped.
"Oh, okay. Just checking on you." she stepped back.
After about thirty minutes, we were still doing it. Our instructor told us to start over and I went to the very back of the floor, waiting for everyone to move out so I could start Jungkook's part. I stepped forward and my legs wobbled a little but I played it off. I tried to focus and sing but my words became slurred, "Grace?" I heard someone ask but I kept on trying to dance. Why can't I breathe properly? Stepping to the left to do a pop and locking move, my vision blurred and the world spun around me. "Grace!" was all I heard before everything went dark.
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Jungkook's pov
"There, the weapons are now neat." I grunted and shook out my sweaty hands. I was working with another soldier who was in my barracks, Yeongin, to properly arrange some cases of weapons and ammunition. Back when we were having weapons training, I had one of the sharpest shots in my unit, giving me the role of sniper, not that I've used it yet. But I practice a lot to make sure I always have the perfect shot.
Wiping my sweat off with my sleeve, I squinted in the afternoon sun. I look back down and see a soldier running up to me. "You need to report to the Sergeant immediately! It's very important! You must run!" he cried and the alarm in his voice sent me in a sprint.
Barging into the Sergeant's office without knocking, I saw a grave look on his face. "Officer Jeon, I'm afraid I have some bad news." fear filled me with his words. "Grace was hospitalized three days ago and she hasn't woken up since then."
I froze in shock as the rest of the members rushed in, also very alarmed. "Jungkook, what's wrong? Sergeant?" Taehyung asked, Sergeant repeated what he told me; the members gasped.
I finally managed to speak, "Why are we only knowing this now?! Why weren't we told three days ago when it happened?!" I yelled in anger, something I would've never done in other circumstances.
"We didn't know if it was that serious. You will leave base to see her immediately." he informed us.
"Sir, you're allowing us to leave base? We're never allowed to leave the base unless it's extreme." Hoseok's eyes widened as he realized what he was saying.
"Is Grace going to make it?" Jimin asked, voice shaking.
Sergeant looked us directly in the eyes, "I don't have that information." He escorted us out and I ran to our barracks, throwing my stuff into a duffel bag. "Jungkook, calm down." Namjoon tried to reason with me.
Not looking at him as I took one last look at the framed photo of Grace, "You heard what Sergeant Hwang said. Grace might not make it!"
"He didn't say that." Jin broke in.
I stopped at the door to look back at them all packing their stuff, "He didn't have to. He's letting us leave base. That says enough." storming out, I ran to one of the Army's vehicles left for us to take. Throwing my stuff in the back seat, I hopped into the driver's seat. Jin opened the door, "You're in no state drive, get in the back." His voice was serious.
"No."
"Fuck Jungkook! Get in the Goddamn back!" his eyes were blazing and I took the hint. Jumping into the back with the rest of the guys, I looked out the window and prayed. Please don't take her from me! Don't let me not say goodbye!
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Time skip
Bursting through the ER doors, I ignored the voices of my hyungs to wait. I ran to the nurse's desk, leaning forward on my hands, "Grace Flint. Where is she?" I demanded.
The nurse looked at the computer screen, "Sixth floor, room 637."
"Thanks."
"Wait! Are you family?!" She called after me but I was already jumping on an elevator.
I didn't even wait for the elevator doors to open before squeezing through. I almost ran over a nurse who happened to be in my way. Seeing a sign giving directions to 600-650 rooms, I lengthened my strides to get there faster. Whenever I saw her room number, I slowed down and I should've waited because whenever I entered the room and saw Grace, I wasn't ready to see how much she had changed.
My knees almost gave out on me as I slowly walked toward her still form. There was what looked like a feeding tube going down her throat and she had tubes going up her nose to help her breathe. The beeping of the machines that were keeping her alive was all that could be heard in the room. When I reached her side, her face was ghostly pale and you could see some of her neck bones because of how much weight she'd lost. My hand shook as I reached for the covers and carefully pulled them back and I gasped at how thin her legs were.
Not violating her more than I had, I pulled the covers back over her thin body. I reached and grabbed her hand; caressing her wrist with my thumb, I was shocked at how fragile she seemed. Her arms that used to be so buff were now like sticks. Sitting down in a chair that I pulled up to the side of her bed, I took her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm as tears streamed down my face. Placing her limp hand on my cheek, I whispered, "Please wake up, jamae. I can't lose you." more tears came then, my throat closing with hot tears.
Why didn't anyone see what was going on with her?! How could anyone not notice her starving herself! Or her losing at least fifteen pounds! Hearing the door creak open, I lifted my head and placed Grace's hand back on the bed. Minji poked her head in and smiled sadly as she looked at Grace. "I'm so sorry you couldn't find out sooner."
She walked in and tried to give me a hug but I jerked away and stood up, angry. Her eyes flickered in surprise, "Jungkook, wha-"
"What were you doing while she was starving herself?! Did you not see how thin she was?! Did you not see her losing weight?!" I raised my voice, backing her up against the wall.
Fear filled her eyes, "Jungkook, we all were depressed and going through hard times with missing you all. We thought something was off but we didn't think it was that serious. She would always wear loose clothing."
Anger left me, but I became awash with shame at how I treated Minji. Shoulders slumping, I cried, "I'm sorry. I just can't lose her."
There was a flicker of surprise in her eyes, "Grace is a fighter, Jungkook. She'll make it."
Walking back to Grace's side, I caressed her cheek with the back of my hand and I felt tears coming again.
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Minji's pov
"I'm sorry. I just can't lose her." Jungkook's words rang in my head as I watched him walk back to Grace's side. He reached out and caressed her cheek in a way I can't explain. His back was to me so I couldn't see his face. "Jamae." Ah, that makes sense. Poor Grace. "Jamae, please wake up. It's me, Jungkook. I'm back. You said you missed me and now I'm here. Please come back to me." My heart broke for the two of them. For Jungkook because if he lost Grace, he lost his little sister. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you." he whispered brokenly and I moved closer and I saw the silent tears.
But my heart broke for Grace because the broken man before me had shown such love, but not the love Grace seeks.
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Jungkook's pov
I felt Grace squeeze my hand and my head came up from her bed. "Grace?" my voice cracked. I had stayed up with her ever since I got her almost 48 hours ago, trying to see if she would wake up. The other members would come and check in every now and then to ask if I wanted food. I said no thanks but water would be nice. I had somehow fallen into a fitful sleep and had rested my forehead on her bed.
I searched her pale face and joy filled me as I saw her beautiful eyelashes flutter open. Her eyes darted around as she tried to take in her surroundings before landing on my face. Recognition came on her face and I smiled weakly, squeezing her hand. "Jungkook?" her voice croaked out. "Is it really you?" She reached out and tried to cover herself with the covers but she was too weak.
Taking her hand gently, "Grace, I know. Why would you do this to yourself? How could you starve yourself?" I begged softly.
She looked away but I cupped her cheek tenderly and turned her face to me, "I saw all the other female kpop idols and how pretty they looked. They had small waists and arms; slender legs. I wanted to look like that. I was disgusted with myself."
My heart broke for her, "Why would you starve yourself though?"
She swallowed her tears, "Because I thought it was the only way."
"Oh, Grace. You should've never hid this from me. I would've helped you." tears started falling from my eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."
"All the times I said I was fine was because I don't want to bother people with my problems." she looked away again.
Leaning down and looking directly in her eyes, "Grace, you will never bother me with anything. No matter what you say. Please don't ever hide from me again. Gwenchana?"
"Ne." she nodded.
"I'll go tell everyone you're awake." I started to stand up but Grace feebly grabbed my wrist; I could've broken free but I didn't.
"Please don't leave me." she whispered brokenly.
Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and cupping her face, I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "Okay. I'll stay." Grace moved over in the bed. I slid in beside her and wrapped my arm around her small waist, shocked at how tiny it was. I wrap my hands around it easily, "Jesus, Grace." I whispered in shock.
"I'm so sorry you have to see me like this." she whispered brokenly.
I kissed her cheek, "Oh, jamae. You don't have to be sorry. I'm the happiest man alive knowing that you're okay." she smiled softly and nuzzled her face into my chest, pressing herself close to me.
She sighed, "I've missed this. Your hugs. You're my safe place, Jungkook." her eyelids became heavy with sleep.
"Then go to sleep knowing you're safe with me, jamae." I whispered.
"Please don't leave." her voice became sleepy.
"You'll wake up to me being right here in the morning."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
She yawned, "I'm so sleepy. I can barely keep-" she quieted and fell asleep. "Good night, angel." Closing my eyes, I fell asleep with Grace in my arms.
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Everyone! You need to listen to this. Even if it sounds cheesy or you've heard a million times before. Love yourself for who YOU are, not what anybody else says you are. Not your parents, siblings, friends, or peers. Never go to the extreme Grace did to change who she was. Her depression and self hatred drove her to unspeakable lengths. She starved herself to obtain an image she believed she needed to be. And what happened was heartbreaking for everyone involved in her life.
There's nothing wrong with working out and eating healthy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to loose weight or gain muscle. If you are working out or dieting to look a certain way, that's fine, but never let it become your obsession. First, you should do it because you want to be healthy, then the desired body type will come. Starving yourself is NEVER the right answer and will only further destroy your health in the long run.
All this to say, never let the world tell you who you are or who you should be.
Thank you all so much for reading! I love you guys! Don't forget to vote, comment, and give this book a shout out! Saranghae!