She was warm.
She was very warm and she was mostly comfortable. And she was very safe. When a loud beeping in her ear startled her out of sleep those were the only things she knew and then for a horrible, horrible second she thought she wasn't. That she was being pulled from a wonderful dream to find herself back in that cold, dirty truck, or worse, in a cold room far beneath the earth, her rescue a fever dream her mind had given her because the truth was too harsh a reality to bear. It was only a second but the thought broke her so much that when she felt a hand coming towards her face she didn't have the strength to turn away from it.
But it didn't hit her.
It fumbled with something behind her and then the beeping stopped and she was pulled into that warmth, an ever-so-stubbly cheek rubbing against her temple as a sigh huffed against her hair.
It wasn't a dream.
It was Jay.
It was his tired grumble in her ear, his chest she was pressed against, his arms wrapped tight around her- very tightly. It was him.
She was safe.
"You okay?" He asked sleepily but his touch quickly became more intentional, and then a lot softer. "It's okay, it was just my watch, my alarm- you're okay-"
"I know."
Holy crap his eyes were green.
Whatever else she might've said was lost as she stared him, so fucking close she could see there wasn't any gray in them right now, so close she could see all the tiny freckles across his nose and cheeks, could probably count them if she had the time. This was the closest she'd ever been to a boy, the closest she'd been to him. He'd been wearing his vest yesterday, the day before and she supposed they'd been this close last night but she hadn't been thinking about it, hadn't been thinking about the fact that her breath probably stunk, all of her probably did and she had to pee-
"What is it?"
"I think I have to pee."
At first he just blinked but then a slow, sleepy smile spread across his lips. "Well that's a good sign."
It was. She couldn't actually remember the last time she'd gone but that didn't make it any less embarrassing when he had to help her to the toilet, her legs still not quite able to hold her up on their own.
But she'd manage.
"You sure you don't-"
"Yes."
She was pretty pathetic right now, but not that much. And though Jay looked a little worried he just smiled and backed out of the washroom, though not without a parting joke.
"It's totally okay if you have an accident alright? I've got another set of clothes. Only one though and then I'm going to have to steal Mouse's."
Jackass.
She might've said that out loud because she thought she heard him laugh but she was too busy trying not to cause an accident until she could lower herself down and pull off her, his pants, flinching when she finally sat on the cold steel. And then relieved beyond measure when she went. Who knew such a basic bodily function could feel like freedom?
And... since he'd done so much for her, why not ask for just one more thing?
"Underwear!" She called out, she'd ask but she wasn't going to do it to his face, her own already flushing. "You can get me underwear since you forgot!"
Using all the strength she had and getting some more through his loud laugh she pulled herself and her pants up and tottered over to the door, unable to help smiling when she saw his proud grin. Still he was quick to wrap an arm around her waist and she let him take most of her weight, halfway back to the bed when there was a quiet knock at the door. She was already glaring when it opened but it quickly fell when she saw it was the nice nurse, and when she saw the kind smile she aimed at both of them.
"How are you doing this morning Tess?"
Suddenly shy she just nodded, her eyes finding Jay's for reassurance when he sat her down which he gave with his own small nod and a rub of this thumb across the back of her hand. "This is Sophie- she's the nicest nurse on base. Stickler for making you eat your veggies though. Not that you're there yet."
"And not like you eat yours." The nurse quipped.
"I eat them if they're good." He said with a wink but she caught him glancing at his watch as he stood back up.
She'd known he couldn't stay with her forever, he had his own duties and if she wanted him to come back they couldn't give his superiors any reason to tell him not to, but she still didn't want him to go.
"Hey Soph, you think you could help her shower? She needs it."
"Jay!"
"Fuck you." Both of them looked at her in shock but Jay's mouth quickly pulled up, that strange pride shining in his eyes and before she realized it she found herself swinging her foot at him. "You need one too."
"That's probably true." He replied, giving himself a sniff before he looked between them with another grin before he looked at her. He seemed to waver on something then crouched beside her, gently taking her hand. "I'll be back later okay? With what you asked for."
He just winked when she blushed but when his hand squeezed hers she returned it, giving him as brave a smile as she could when he hesitated again and that seemed to do the trick, one more squeeze before he stood, nodding to Sophie as he left.
"That boy has a heart of gold."
"You know him well?" She asked cautiously as she looked the other woman over- some might be fooled by her youth, her pretty blonde hair and amber eyes but Tess knew she had to have a spine of steel to do a job like this.
"He's been in a few times- not the best patient, absolutely hates needles, but he's never anything but respectful. And he's right. You could use a shower."
She really could.
Not just for the smell, but because it was the next step in making her feel human again.
So she let Sophie help her. She'd wanted to stay in here but the nurse convinced her to use their actual facilities, the ones that had benches and handrails to stop her from injuring herself more and though she'd hated every second of getting there, being wheeled around like invalid trying not to shrink under all the curious, pitying stares the second she got under the water that all faded away. Fuck it felt good to get clean. To watch the dirt and blood swirl down the drain, not a complete dismissing of what had happened to her, not that she could pretend when her body was still broken and most of her skin a light shade of purple but it was something. She was safe now, she was clean, and everything else would heal too. She would.
She just had to accept help from the people offering it.
That didn't mean it wasn't awkward to sit naked in front of a grown woman while she washed her hair and the parts of herself she couldn't reach but Sophie was good about giving her space and making her laugh.
She'd even made her cry.
"My grandmother got dementia when I was young and came to live with us so my mom could take care of her and at first I found it so awkward, she wasn't herself anymore, and she couldn't take care of herself, and I could see how hard it was on my mom to have to do all those things for her. But... it was kind of beautiful too. Not just that a daughter was caring for her mother the way she'd once been cared for but that she was just a person, helping out another person who needed it. I think there's beauty in vulnerability."
She did too.
She always had, from the time she was little, she just... She'd never been hurt this badly before. But the bigger the hurt the more important it was to stay soft. So after Sophie brought her back to her little room and she was left alone again Tess realized it was time for her to take the next step.
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This was really fucking hard.
Her ribs were burning and her feet throbbed and she kept having to rest on the chair in front of her and she was getting really tired of the scraping noise it made against the stone floor. But the bitch nurse had come back when she'd turned up the volume of the radio Jay had given her saying she was 'disturbing' the other patients and had to keep it down. She'd left quickly when the doctor called her away, only briefly coming in to check on her himself but Tess swore they were both not just nervous around her but disgruntled.
Under my care.
Take it up with Bronson.
What had her Ranger meant by that?
What had he done?
A soft thump against the door was all the notice she got that someone was coming in, no one seemed to wait for her to say anything but then she saw it was Jay, his soft smile turning to a broad grin when he saw her.
"Look what I- you're walk- dude!" He stumbled forward as someone bumped into him, almost dropping the tray he carried. More damn soup.
"Dude you stopped right in the door." The next thing she knew a head was popping over his shoulder, his mouse's, the man also grinning at her. "Sup Casper? Oh, not a good nickname?"
It was not.
"Alright, we'll workshop it."
Pushing his friend forward, and ignoring his glare he shut the door behind them, staying there as Jay put the tray down on the bedside table before he came over to her. "You want to sit on that or on the bed?"
Oh yeah.
His hands hovered as she shakily made her way to the bed but it wasn't until her legs gave out when she went to lower herself down that he caught her, wincing worse than she did when he accidentally grabbed her ribs. A quick glance showed the mouse was also worried but he shot her a kind smile when he caught her staring.
"What's going on?" She asked Jay, watching as he took a seat on the chair and following his eyes when they flicked to his friend.
"You're The Ghost."
Oh.
"Yeah. I am."
For a moment he just looked her over and she took the time to do the same, only the second time they'd really appraised each other; he hadn't wanted to give her that gun in the valley, but he had. He'd seen something that made him decide she could handle it, not the same look he was giving her now but similar. It was also similar to the way Jay looked at her, the same awe but more mischief than pride.
A fellow hacker.
"That's fucking awesome." He said finally, turning his grin on Jay when he snorted, shaking his head before he looked at her.
"I'm going to be honest, I don't know much about that stuff, but I was thinking maybe you could tell him how to contact your team?"
Her team.
Vivienne and John and Michael and Nysa and Coulson.
Luke.
Remembering him felt like a stab in her heart, like a bullet, one for each he'd taken for her-
A hand on her foot startled her and by the time she looked at him Jay was already holding them up, an apologetic but worried look on his face that had her quickly wiping at her eyes. She'd stared crying. Both men gave her a moment to get herself together, a moment where she tried to lean into the embarrassment rather than away from it, which was helped by their understanding smiles. They wanted to help her. They would find her team for her, her team-
And they would risk theirs to do it.
Jay was and Mouse was risking himself.
"Don't do that." Jay said lowly, the mouse looking very brave beside him. And just as stubborn. "We wouldn't be here if we didn't think we could do this without getting anyone in trouble-"
"What did you mean I was under your care?"
They both froze but it was Jay she kept her eyes on, the way his widened, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed before he gave a slow nod. "They wanted to keep you in here. I... convinced Bronson not to."
"By taking responsibility for me?"
He nodded again and even though she was sitting Tess felt like the ground both steadied and gave way beneath her. All morning while she'd been stumbling from one side of this room to the other she'd been thinking about what her next step needed to be, what she needed to do to find her team and get home, to Lydia, to the life that she would reforge for herself. And now Jay was offering to help her do that.
By putting himself in the line of fire.
"We're in this." He said firmly, those now steely hunter green eyes locked on hers. "To whatever end."
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"Well look at that. It's your favourite."
"You're kind of an ass, you know that?"
Jay just grinned, grabbing the chair and pulling it close before he sat, smiling as he watched her dunk the dinner roll into the still very bland broth before she nibbled on it. Tess didn't want a repeat of last night but she was starting to get hungry again and she needed something more than just liquid in her stomach. Though now he was here it was a lot more squeamish.
"Did everything go okay?"
"Quick and easy, just like we promised." He said reassuringly, assuming his regular position of elbows on his knees, hands clasped as he stared at her. "He sent the messages exactly like you told him to. Blueberry."
It was her codeword, had been since she was a kid which both he and Mouse found amusing.
"No one saw him?"
"No one who would say anything."
"Cameras?"
"He has clearance to be there."
"Reason?"
"We have our own ops." He answered with a wry smile, waving his hand before she could even open her mouth. "Don't say sorry. And don't say thank you-"
"Thank you."
Jay sighed but when she held his stare he nodded, clearly uncomfortable with praise since he quickly motioned to her bowl. "How's that going?"
"Gross."
"Yeah, well, you'll work your way up to solids soon. You do anymore walking?"
"A little. It's slow going."
"You'll get there." He said softly, looking her over before the spark in his eyes grew and he leant closer. "You feel like getting out of here for a bit?"
"Where?"
He quickly steadied the tray, he had to cause she'd sat up too fast and almost knocked it over, laughing as he helped her settle. "Whoa, easy there. Feeling a little cooped up?"
The was the understatement of her life.
"Well then finish that. I have somewhere I want to take you."
"Where?" Tess asked again but he just looked at her bowl so she quickly downed the rest of its contents, smiling when he laughed again.
"That's one way to do it. You're going to need this." He said as he passed her the hoodie she'd taken off a little while ago, still close by for comfort. "You want to use the bathroom? We're not going to be that close to one."
She almost asked where he was planning on taking her again but it was clear he wanted it to be a surprise, and even though it did give her a bit of anxiety and she knew all she had to do was make a single face and he'd spill the secret... She didn't want to.
She wanted to be surprised.
But first she did have to pee. He helped her back to the toilet, with another joke, this time about whether she liked the underwear he'd given her at lunch, the ones he'd made Mouse leave the room before he took out of his pocket, his face almost as red as hers when he'd passed them over. Still with another joke. And as awkward as it did feel to be wearing a mans underwear, she did like them. They were a little big but they were clean and comfortable and they made her feel safe.
Jay made her feel safe.
He made her feel like a human again, like the girl she'd been and the one she'd never gotten to be. No one else had ever carried her around, not since she'd been eight or nine and even then her dad and Sam had been starting to struggle.
What would they think of her now?
What would her mother?
"You okay?" Jay asked quietly, once again reading her change in mood; he was really good at that but she supposed this close it wasn't like he could miss much. Especially when he leant in and took a big whiff of her hair. "You smell a lot better by the way."
"You don't."
He gave her a mildly offended look but laughed, a hint of pink on his cheeks. "My apologies. Maybe a shower will be in the cards tomorrow. For now, let me do the talking okay?"
She just nodded, tightening her hold around his neck as he hoisted her up so he could open the door. They got to the third row of beds before the bitch saw them, her pinched face turning even more soured as she made her way over.
"And where exactly do you think you're taking her?"
"For a walk. Fresh air is good for people."
"You cannot take her cavorting-"
She couldn't help snorting, who the fuck used the word cavorting and though Jay smirked he kept his attention on the nurse. "I'm taking her for a walk. If you have an issue with that, you know who to take it to."
With that he sidestepped her, ignoring her sputters to keep walking, straight out the doors to freedom. Not really but it was the closest she'd had in almost two weeks and it felt amazing. For the first time in eleven days she filled her lungs with a full breath, dry with the summer heat but tinged with a hint of the coolness that was coming when the sun finished setting, drinking her fill until she realized they'd stopped moving. Jay had paused right outside the hospital, right outside the doors, his eyes locked on her face, still proud but sadder than she'd ever seen them.
"That felt better than I thought it would."
At first he just nodded, his throat bobbing before he forced a smile. "I'm glad."
"You going to take me somewhere now?"
His smile softened but got more genuine and he nodded again, and then they were off. They walked for a while, a long while and though she didn't regret coming out it didn't take long for her to get uncomfortable; the base was a lot busier than when Jay had brought her here and there was something about the way the men, so many fucking men strained their necks to look at her that told her they knew who she was. Normally she would hold their stares, or shoot back a nasty one of her own but though she hated it Tess wasn't feeling brave enough to do that right now.
But she didn't have to- Jay was doing it for her.
Almost as soon as she'd noticed everyone looking they all started hurriedly looking away, with either an embarrassed or a disgruntled face that had her looking at Jay's, her heart doing that tugging thing again when she saw the fierce glares he was sending back. They were working but apparently where they were going was a ways away because after a bit he took the back paths, his thumbs rubbing almost absentmindedly when she let out a quiet sigh of relief. She didn't really think she'd be like this forever but she didn't like being this way now, not after how hard she'd fought to overcome so much already. And if she stayed with the agency this wasn't going to be the last time she got hurt.
Was the rest of her life just going to be one battle after another?
Would she always be piecing herself back together?
They were heavy thoughts, unwelcome but probably necessary but then Jay stopped again and her attention went to where he'd brought her. At first glance it wasn't anything special, they were near one of the outer walls which got her heart racing a bit but then she realized she couldn't hear anyone anymore, couldn't see anyone, couldn't see anything but a few buildings in the distance and a small, sandy little hill. The one he brought her over to, setting her on her feet before he sat, grinning before he laid down flat.
"Better view up there." He said pointing at the sky and she craned her neck to see a beautiful blend of rich orange and pink and a slowly creeping purple.
It was beautiful, but...
"I just washed my hair."
He blinked before laughing and sitting up, putting her, his hood up before he helped her lay down. "Better?"
"Yes."
"Good." He said with another laugh, his shoulder brushing hers as he laid back beside her and for a few minutes they were silent, just watching the sunset together.
It was nice.
Calm, peaceful, not just more than she'd felt in the last two weeks but more than she'd felt in the last few years. Even longer than that. This was a kind of peace she didn't think she'd ever felt before and she didn't understand that.
She didn't understand any of this.
"Why are you doing this?"
Jay seemed surprised when he turned to her, maybe by the question or maybe by how seriously she asked it but he took his time answering, looking between her and the sky before he finally came back to her.
"Because I don't want you to think there isn't any good in the world. There is. It's hard to see sometimes, a lot of the time but it's there. It..." He turned back to the sky and she found herself tracing the shadows on his face, making his jaw softer, his freckles brighter. He couldn't be much older than she was and as he continued she wondered if it was war that had made him so wise or if he'd always been this way. "It goes around and it moves between us, not just the big stuff but the small little things we all do every day, holding the door, buying someone's order in the drive-thru- that's how we make the world a better place."
It was like hearing her own thoughts aloud, that tug in her heart so insistent and then his eyes met hers, that mossy, spring green and she knew it was his that was causing it.
And then he took her hand and she was pretty sure she gave it to him.
"I don't want you to think... What they did to you was wrong. You didn't deserve it and nothing they did- anything they did- it wasn't your fault. And it doesn't- you're still-"
"They didn't rape me."
His eyes widened, shocked because she'd said the word but then he heard the others around it and they relaxed with relief, his hand squeezing hers, his voice that thick, husky rumble. "You're amazing."
"I've always been pretty awesome."
He let out another laugh but she made herself just listen to it this time, back to looking at the sky in an effort to calm the flood of emotions rushing through her.
And he wasn't helping.
"Tell me about it. About you."
Oh she was so fucked.
"Well... I'm Canadian."
"What- how is that even possible??"
"I was born there." He gave her a look but quickly went back to smiling, just... genuinely interested in what she had to say. "My dad was from the island, Vancouver, but my mom was from Chicago-"
"Chicago?!" He interrupted, shifting so he could see her better.
"Yeah, why?"
Now he smiled, looking her over with that soft look. "I'm from Chicago."
Was he?
Her Ranger.