••••
"I kind of get what you're saying' but not fully doc," Shakur stared across at his therapist, he had been avoiding her the past month, since the LA trip.
His focus had been on women, and liquor. Today he had woke up and decided that that was enough because it wasn't helping him none and he had got himself ready— ending up showing to his appointment. Adrienne hadn't mentioned his sudden disappearance nor had she questioned him about why he had disappeared. He liked that because her helping felt genuine and not just for a check.
Adrienne crossed her legs and stared across at Shakur, "A fixer thinks or feels that they can prevent other people from experiencing pain or discomfort. They feel they can change things or people for the better." She elaborated on tell him that he was a compulsive fixer, "It starts with the best of intentions but fixing becomes dangerous when it is tied to value and lovability. Usually the fixer cannot do anything to change the situation or the person in question and they end up harming themselves or the relationship in the process."
Shakur nodded, "I don't really see how that pertains to me fully? I know that some shit' be out of my control."
"Is that before or after you step in and try to fix the person or the situation?" She paused, "For example, how'd you meet Damien and why'd you beg your parents to take him in at such an young age?"
Shakur thought back, "We knew eachother since like pre-k, and from then we were close. He used to get picked on alot— not only in school but by his family as well. His parents and siblings were the worst," he spoke— not going into too much detail. "From that point I knew I had to do something to help him out— maybe it was the little crush I had on him or maybe because I genuinely felt bad, or the status my parents held, I knew that we could give him a good life and it didn't take much convincing his parents to give him over to my parents. I couldn't stand to see the situation he was in so I fixed— helped it."
Adrienne nodded, "You and Cassidy, how'd you two start up?"
Shakur didn't want to hear her name or think about her but he wanted to get to the root of why his therapist thought he was a compulsive fixer and how it was affecting him and his life. He couldn't believe how open he had become with her over the last few months.
"I met her eighth grade? We was friends at first— I learned about her abuse and things her mom went through so we got close and I wanted to help her through that. By this time I was in the process of meeting my adoptive parents— fresman year Damien and I got into it one day.. I made the mistake of having sex with her. I never officially got back with him' so I started to date her— that's where I really learned about what she was going through at home and we got pregnant too, I convinced my adoptive parents to take her in— they did immediately once finding out she was pregnant. I helped her situation too."
"What about you and Sincere?"
Shakur stared at her and shook his head, "That's where you lost me doc' I wasn't good to him when I first met him, I was still hiding in my sexuality and had this view on all gay men. I done did some shit to that man over the past few years— and I ain't proud of it. Back when we were introduced and I took the smallest liking to him and I immediately hated him,"
"So— when you did get over that what drew you to him? Even now what made you go on that trip knowing how bad he hurt you? You're a smart man Shakur, you know what I'm asking you."
Letting out a chuckle Shakur sucked his teeth, "Once I learned about his abuse with his ex— it made me look at him differently especially after I had endured abuse on him too. Then I put pieces together from his childhood and wanted to help him through that and another certain situation really made me want to help him," he referred to his suicidal attempts, "I wanted to help him. I went on the trip because I felt I needed too incase of anything and I honestly wanted to support him."
"Joshua?"
"Look man— I guess I get what you're saying now. Damn Adrienne," he sighed, she chuckled.
"Although your intentions were always pure— in the end each one of those relationships you contributed to the failing of it. That's because you were too busy trying to fix them and what they've been through or endured that when something didn't go your way or they wanted to do things on their own you lashed out and/or became exactly what you wanted to help them away from. Being a fixer is always good until they don't need you to fix them or their problems any longer, and you felt as if they wouldn't have been out of certain situations if it weren't for you so they should have still let you continue to fix anything life threw their way when they're more than capable of living their own lives." She told him, "You ever wonder why you were so broken?"
Shakur shrugged, "I was too busy helping others and I never took the time to help myself." He answered her.
"Absolutely correct, that brings me to— you and relationships in general. The last time we talked you were saying how you and Sincere had split only after a few days of making things official. Did you want to elaborate on why?"
"He cheated— he ain't go as far ask having sex with him and I believe that' but letting a man kiss on him and following him into his room? Never telling him he was with me to begin with? Shît wasn't cool."
She nodded, "Do you feel as if you moved too fast?"
"No— I mean I'm used to being in realationships, I was with Damien until we were like fourteen? Even messed around until we were fifteen/sixteen I believe? Cassidy and I were together for a while until I ended things to be with Damien again— then he ended things when I was going to be forced to marry Cassidy. Married at nineteen been with her since then... and then Sincere and I happened."
"So, do you know who you are outside of relationships? Outside of fixing others? What makes you happy? What makes Shakur.. Shakur?" She asked, "and I will not accept being a father as an answer."
Shakur sat back in his chair and for once he was at a loss for words— he didn't have an answer for her.
"I want you to take this time away from Sincere and focus on you— not the liquor or the loose women. Go out and find what makes you happy, what makes you want to thrive, and be a better you. I know how upset you were about Sincere moving to LA but this could be good for you both. You need to learn yourself as an individual before any relationship."
"I hear you doc," he sighed.
Tomorrow Sincere would be moving to LA— and Shakur had voiced to her how upset he was that he'd just now found out today when Phylicia had flew back in for his "going away" get together. Even Damien had flew in, he was confused but he was also happy that Sincere was taking the opportunity and doing something he loved. For the past month they hadn't spoke to one another and that was mainly Shakur's doing because he needed the space— they hadn't been on good terms in almost two months now, and for Sincere to be moving far away hurt his feelings a little bit.
After gathering his things and ending the session for the day— he pulled up on his anger management session as well and had gotten chewed out by him for lashing out and letting his anger get the best of him the night he fought Mike. He didn't swing first but he could of stopped himself after he'd got the upper hand, however his anger had overpowered him in that very moment. That had set him and his progress back some.
••••
"Well.. if you and Sincere aren't going to work out I don't see a issue with me walking up to his father and grabbing him by that beard—"
"Aye ma!" Shakur cut her off with a chuckle, "don't nobody need or want to hear that! Is that why you got ya titties all out and shit?"
Phylicia hit him upside the head causing him to flinch, "you need to stop drinking for today," she took his cup. "That mouth of yours, are you coming outside with the rest of us?"
It had been a few hours since everyone had showed up in the backyard for Sincere's going away get together, and he had been the only one cooped up in the house drinking to himself. His therapy session earlier had his mind clouded and after today he promised this would be his last day drinking heavily how he'd been doing. He wasn't initially informed about the barbecue so he didn't know rather Sincere wanted him out there or not. He wasn't trying to ruin anyone's good vibes— Mason was on the grill while Phylicia and Joshua handled making the sides. Damien, DJ, Zu, Kennedy, and Josiah were all having a good time listening to music and keeping a eye on DJ who had wanted to feed the newly four month old Josiah.
Shakur was ecstatic that Damien had finally brung DJ on a visit— he loved the little boy already. He was a splitting image of his father and acted just like him, he had turned three years old two weeks ago since Damien had stepped up tremendously as a father his baby mother gave him the okay to take him out of state as long as she knew the addresses he'd be at and the names of the people he'd be around. She was familiar with Shakur but when he smiled at mentioning Zu she had a million questions about the man her son would meet even though the two had decided on being just friends.
"I'll be out there— can you take those gifts and put them on the table for me?" He asked her, she nodded and stood. "Don't be out there over that man ma,"
Phylcia waved him off and fixed a curl that had fell— he groaned seeing her make sure her breast were sitting up right. "I'm grown son, don't make us wait all night to show your face. If Sincere look at this door one more time I'm afraid he'll go cross eyed."
"I'll be out there ma,"
Phylicia nodded and grabbed the gifts and stepped out his back door, Shakur laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. He stood to his feet and headed up the stairs to his room— he grabbed the letter Sincere had wrote him a month ago and finally decided to read it. He hadn't fully ready it yet, he was afraid too but now he wanted too, he had too.
I wish I could've done this in person but under the circumstances I do understand the cold shoulder. I knew from the moment we made love I had second thoughts on being official with you, I tried ending things right after because I was afraid that you'd hurt me while I was away and now I realize that truth was I thought I'd hurt you and I did. As bad I was against therapy— he made sense.
I don't know who Sincere is, I don't have a passion, I don't have a career that I want long term, all I know is how badly relationships always turned out for me. Some fails I've caused, some others have caused. My mother, aunt and uncle has played a major part on how I view relationships. Then Xavier came along and showed me my karma.. I'd been afraid of commitment since I was younger and the one time I stayed in a relationship it was because I was beat to stay.
I admit that when I came across you and finally saw the good in you and how you treated me I needed to find ways for you to do me wrong. It made me treat you how Xavier and others had treated me— and for that I am truly sorry. You're a great man and you've did so much work for us that I'm ashamed that I was too afraid to apply that same energy.. I love you and I'm Inlove with you, that's honest. I am sorry for how I played things and failing you. I don't want you to wait for me— be happy Shakur. Man or woman would be happy to have you and I accept that, however I'm taking a journey for myself and I do hope that one day you can forgive me and we could be together once I've healed and soul searched.
If not though— you'll always have my heart and one day we could even be friends. I wish you the best and pray that you continue to prosper. I love you handsome.
Love, pretty..
Shakur hadn't noticed the tears he shed until they had hit the paper— wiping his eyes he got himself together and then made his way back down the stairs and out to the backyard. His eyes raked the backyard and landed on Sincere and Kennedy' who shared a hug and he could see that Kennedy had been crying. He didn't intervene knowing that that was long overdue and they must've finally talked about how badly he had scared and hurt her when he nearly killed himself. It was something that they needed .
He walked up to Zu and DJ— he smiled seeing Zu feed him so he wouldn't get dirty. "Being a step dad' looks good on you."
Zu looked up and smacked his lips, "Not too much— not you finally coming out here and starting' with me."
"I wasn't invited," he shrugged.
"Never met a nigga who needed a personal invite to.. his own backyard?"
Shakur chuckled, "I ain't think he wanted me back here."
"You just being dramatic, that nigga want you deep in his—"
"Watch what you say around my son!" Damien walked up with two plates in hand.
"I'm sorry pa," Zu smiled up and him and then focused back on DJ who had figured he was done eating and ran off to play with Joshua and Josiah. "Not he used me,"
"I hope I got everything you' eat pretty boy." Damien sat his plate down and sat next to him. "You finally out the house Kuri? About time' thought I was gone have to come drag you out' sassy pants."
Shakur sucked his teeth, "Eat ya food' stop talking to me nigga."
Damien shrugged, "Okay?"
Zu laughed, "Y'all so annoying, how the fuçk did y'all ever work out as a couple' or friends?"
"Man— Shakur used to be a delicate little flower. This nigga done had a growth spurt and changed, I don't know why he act like I ain't used to run shît— punk ass."
Shakur stale face him, "Nigga' you finna front for ya man right now? Keep talking,"
Damien laughed, "Go bout' your day Kuri."
"The fuçk I thought,"
"Oop— not Damien used to get bitched. I— I am flabbergasted," Zu held his chest. "I just knew Damien did the fuçking back then."
Damien choked on his rib, "Something wrong with you' why would that even cross your mind?"
"Curious minds want to know— I just can't see the dynamic right now. Y'all got to paint me a picture' Sincere was too scared to ask but me? Never gave a fuçk.."
"I fuçked him— he fuçked me... I did most of the fuçkin' though. This was back when he had hair and used to like it pulled—"
"SINCERE!" Zu jumped up, he'd heard enough. "BITCH! TEA! 911!" He practically ran to his friend.
Shakur stared at Damien who shrugged and turned to finish his food, "Don't ever bring that shît' up again or I'll shoot you."
He turned to walk away and groaned hearing both Sincere and Zu laugh loudly. He didn't even think
shît was funny about it— and wondered why Sincere had never just asked him if he really wanted to know. It wasn't nothing he was hiding or ashamed about so he would have told him if he had asked him, it would have been weird for him to want to know something like that but he could see why he wondered.
Shakur grabbed him a wine cooler and took a deep breath seeing Sincere now standing alone— finding the courage to finally approach him he walked up to him. "Congratulations on the big move," he told him.
"Thank you!" Sincere smiled up at him, "I was waiting on you to come out here— can we talk?"
"I came to talk to you," Shakur chuckled, "I got yo letter and I don't want you to leave while we're on bad terms,"
Sincere nodded and led him into the pool house— they stepped into the kitchen and Shakur frowned when he handed him a little gift bag, and card. "It's just a thank you for everything... if it wasnt for you I wouldn't have had this opportunity—"
"You got yourself this opportunity— not me. All I did was get your information to Margaret. It was you who had the look for her— the body as them lame niggas on Instagram sayin," sincere burst into laughter making Shakur smile. "Nah— forreal don't thank me. I ain't put in no work— you did all that Sincere. Stop selling yourself short."
"I still feel I owe you an thank you. So— thank you Shakur, for everything really. For even being there to support me— granted you were an asshole," This time it was shakur who laughed and Sin rolled his eyes. "I deserved that though, I just wish that things hadn't got so bad and I take full responsibility. I just don't want like you said— to leave off on bad terms."
Shakur nodded, "about your letter, thank you for that. I didn't know how much I needed to hear a genuine apology. It's stuff we both need to work on and I feel like we could do that separately— not beefing or anything. We both need to find ourselves, and who we are. I'm not sayin' I'll wait on you or am I asking you to wait on me but what I am saying is' that once we're healed and we do cross eachothers paths again and we're both not into anything serious then wherever I see is where I'm having you again. I just want your focus to be yourself' and career right now."
"I am going to get better for myself and then I'd reach out to you— to see where you are in life.." Sincere smiled up to him. "It's so hard to let you go but I know that I have too."
Sincere's breath got caught in his throat as Shakur walked closer to him and trapped him between the counter and himself, they stared at one another for a while before Sincere grabbed his face and placed his lips on his. Shakur kissed him back hungrily— Sincere gasped when Shakur picked him up and sat him on the counter.
He tilted his head back and he rubbed Shakur's head as he attacked his neck with kisses before sucking on it.
"Shakur.." he moaned.
Shakur dragged his tongue up his neck and then to his ear, "you want to stop?" he asked— knowing the answer.
Once Sincere didn't answer he sighed and rested his head in the crook of his neck, no words were exachanged as the two wrapped their arms around one another tightly. Embracing eachother for what felt would be the last time in a while— Shakur could feel Sincere's tears hit the back of his shirt and that made him tear up but he blinked them away.
"I'm going to miss you' so fuçking much pretty. Damn,"
Sincere sniffled, "Stop! You're going to make me stay,"
"Nah baby boy— I'm so proud you. I love you too much for me to be selfish like that,"
"I love you so much more handsome, and I'll miss you more sir,"
Shakur slowly looked up to him hearing Sin call him that, "I ain't against some going away sex— I'd fuçk you' right now Sincere. Don't do that."
"Can you take me to the sex room?"
Hearing the door slide open Shakur looked up to see Damien looking puzzled, he frowned because he was fucking shit up right this second. "Man— nigga' what fuck you want? You don't see us—"
"Lisa and Laz are out— I swear I ain't tell them' where you stay. They just called me and told me they're on the way to you."
Shakur's body tensed up as he heard that his parents were out of prison— he hadn't seen or talked to them since he was thirteen/fourteen years old and he didn't want to see the very two he blamed for his childhood trauma he endured after they had left.
••••
Thoughts? What stood out the most?