Stay.
The bane of my existence.
I never should've uttered that word.
Nothing happened to make me feel this way.
No words were spoken between us after that.
He removed his shoes and his denim, and he laid down next to me. Not a single part of him was touching me. The silence that followed didn't need to be filled. It was the most comfortable silence. A silence I didn't want broken.
I shut my eyes, listened to the sound of his soothing breaths as they began to even out.
I welcomed the sleep that soon followed. It's the fastest I've fallen asleep in ages.
But then again, I woke up with sweat coating my body before the sun colored our skies. I startled awake from a nightmare about Justin finding out what I had done.
It's my guilty conscious at work. I know it is.
I cheated on the man I love with the man I used to love.
How does a person explain that?
Cheating, no matter how you explain it off, is inexcusable. No one deserves to be cheated on. I didn't plan to cheat on Justin. I didn't think I would ever do something so heinous.
But here we are.
I have no excuses, no reasons, no words to even attempt explaining my deceitful actions. Not even to myself.
I fucked up.
I made a huge goddamn mistake but it's too late. I can't take it back. I can't turn back time and undo everything I've done.
The guilt eating away at my insides feels like maggots eating me from the inside out, but I deserve to feel this way.
I take my car keys from the Alec's bedside table as he snores softly. I try to be quiet, so I don't wake him. My left ankle clicks and cracks followed by my right knee.
Alec's snoring goes quiet, and I freeze mid-sneak. I hold my breath like that would make a difference hoping the soft pitter-patter of my heart doesn't make too much noise.
Right, Telana, like that makes sense. Just 'cause you can hear it loud and clear, doesn't mean the sound can be heard from the outside. It isn't amplified.
Shut it. I don't want to be rational.
That's what got us in this mess in the first place, you irrational dumbo.
Rustling from the bed has me muttering, "shit," before I tiptoe my way out without looking back. The soft click of the bedroom door almost sounds like an echo into the quietness of the hallway, but I don't stop.
My keys clink, jingle, and rattle in my hand before it slips from my grasp, cluttering to the ground. "Fucking hell," I say a little too loudly and I sigh.
Can I just do something without making a noise?
Why when I'm trying to be quiet, I do anything but be quiet?
Where's the logic in that? I pick up my keys with a grunt and walk towards the door.
I finally reach the door without further incident and make it out of the house, a triumph smile curling my lips. I walk down the porch steps, focusing my gaze on the changing sky. It's been so long since I've watched the sunrise.
It seems it's about to start, too.
Without thinking, I rush to my car and reverse out of Alec's driveway. I drive faster than normal down the quiet streets, hoping to make it to the pier on time.
Never drive recklessly. It's better to arrive alive than in a body bag. Don't do what I'm doing.
I'm not an exceptionally good example to begin with. I mean, I cheated on an amazing man who loves me with a man who no longer appreciated me. I cheated on a man who cherishes me with a man who no longer saw my value. I cheated on a man who's willing to give me the world with a man who destroyed mine in a blink of an eye.
Clearly, I'm not a good example. I make horribly bad choices without so much as a thought.
So, don't drive recklessly like me. Be vigilant and safe on the roads.
I pull into a parking spot, the road surprisingly clean after last night's fair. Some bare stalls still occupy the public parking, but nothing much to obscure any vehicles.
I get out, opening my trunk and do a little fist pump thing in the air when I see what I'm looking for. I remove my camera and make my way to the pier as the sun begins rising.
I change a couple of settings on my camera, adjust my zoom and snap a few shots to capture the essence of golden hour.
I live this moment through my lens, capturing the sunrise in different angles, loving the radiant colors gracing the sky.
I don't stop until the sun has completely risen. With a satisfied moan, I sit, staring out at the body of endless water.
The sound of the water relaxes me, easing the slight ache in my temples.
Surprisingly, that's the only pain I have from my alcohol consumption last night. No body aches, my stomach isn't lurching, and it doesn't feel like construction work is happening inside my head.
Although headaches are actually pain in the muscles, nerves and blood vessels surrounding the head and neck 'cause the brain can't actually feel pain. Some hangovers still feel like your brain is about to explode.
Crazy to think it's not the brain itself.
"What is the matter with you, Lana?" Sarah's words flit through my mind and a different wave of guilt courses through me.
What I said last night was uncalled for and unwarranted. Everyone in the bar at that moment, didn't deserve my outburst. I wanted to hurt Alec.
I wanted to get under his skin so he can sign our divorce papers.
I realize now how childish it all seems.
I fucked up.
In more ways than one, recently.
I'm not this person. It may not seem like it right now, but I'm not.
This town is my home and these people – some of them – are like family.
I need to right my wrongs. If that's even possible.
~*~*~
I walk up to a beautiful brick house with blue shutters and a pale white and dusty blue wraparound porch. The lawn is impeccably maintained and somewhat neat. A few discarded toys lay scattered on the grass along with a bicycle behind a white jeep in the driveway.
I stare at the mailbox, painted in assorted colors with a family of stick figures on the left-hand side and a pink sun right above their heads. In front written in beautiful penmanship is The Smiths.
You can tell whoever painted the letters on took extra care and painted it on with an abundance of love and pride. I'm assuming Sarah-Lynne painted the letters, allowing her children to paint the pictures. She loved painting back in school. Her art pieces were out of this world.
Right below the porch is dried garden beds with miniature nutcracker dolls lined up in front of a dried heap of dirt and Barbie with a pink crown.
This kid is going places. I don't know what the initial idea is, but Barbie is queen and rules over all the nutcrackers, you go girl.
I run my palms down my blue denim almost nervously before tucking a strand of my damp hair behind my ear.
I climb the white stairs stained with muddy imprints of shoes and I pull open the screen door, rapping my knuckles against the gleaming dark wood door.
I shut the screen door and move from foot to foot.
I don't know why my stomach is coiling in nervousness. I don't know why my skin is clammy and I don't know why my heart is beating faster than normal.
Sarah-Lynne and I used to be inseparable. We spent many, many days, nights, and weekends together. We spoke about anything and everything even when the topic at hand was difficult. We motored through it.
Some locals lowkey thought we were more than friends. And no, they didn't think we were related.
We were always together, creating chaos with the boys and giggling together like two little girls. What am I saying, we were two little girls who always relied on each other for everything.
"I'm going to New York, Sar. I can't stay."
"What did he do this time?" She hands me an iced tea, sitting on the porch swing outside her elf green family home.
"I tried talking to him about his excessive drinking. It's bad, Sar but he exploded and by the end of it he called me a controlling bitch tryna ruin his life."
"That doesn't sound like him. I'm so sorry, Lana," she sighs, rubbing a soothing hand on my back. "I never knew how tough things had gotten."
"Every day, we grow further and further apart like two small ships being torn apart by the rough ocean," I sigh shakily, taking a small sip of my tea. "I don't think I can do this anymore," I sniffle. "I keep thinking when I wake up tomorrow, he's going to come to his senses."
"But?"
"But he seems to be getting worse. He's lost so much weight. I get it, he can't play football anymore, but find a new dream."
"I guess he needs more time to mourn the loss of his career." Sympathy and understanding radiates off of her, bringing me some form of comfort.
"I understand that but at some point, I need to do what's best for me. He's not the only person who lost something, I had to give up my chance to go to university," I swipe away a tear. "I can't keep livin like this."
"I get it but are you ready to give up on him?"
"He doesn't need me," I snap. "He wished we never got married. He regretted saying 'I do' to me so young. He said if we waited a year or two, he would've realized he doesn't want this life with me. Not anymore."
"He doesn't know what he's saying."
"Why are you defending him, Sarah?" My anger pushes me to my feet, the glass of iced tea slips from my grasp and shatters at my feet. "Fuck," I curse, hot tears escaping my eyes.
I bend to pick up the shards, my vision blurry and obscured by tears.
"I'll clean it."
"I can do it!" I pick up a broken piece of glass wrong, cutting my ring finger. "Shit!" Red oozes to the surface of broken skin and drips down my ring finger, small drops mixing with the iced tea.
"Telana, let me help you," she whispers, placing her hands on my shaky ones.
"Why are you defending him?" I ask again, gazing into her deep green orbs filled with sympathy.
"I'm not defending him, but I know what y'all have been through in a matter of a year. I know what y'all have lost. It's a lot for a newly married couple to deal with and I just think y'all are doing the best you can."
"What if his best isn't good enough?"
"C'mon, Lana, cut him some slack. He's lost a lot more."
I reel back at her words, dropping the broken pieces of glass. "And I've lost nothing?"
"That's not what I meant," she sighs.
"Y'know, I shouldn't have come here. I thought I could rely on my best friend, but I was wrong," I scoff, wiping away my tears and accidentally smearing blood across my cheeks. "I don't have a best friend anymore," I run down the stairs, walking as fast as my legs can take me before I break out into a sprint.
"Telana!" She calls after me, but her voice is distorted and muddled by the thudding in my ears and the wind whipping my hair. "Telana!"
"Telana," I hear the surprise in her voice and see the awkwardness in her smile. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to apologize."
"It's water under the bridge," she smiles stiffly, rubbing a hand over her wild curls as she leans against the doorframe. "We're doing well for ourselves in this dead-end town and we're happy here. So, your words mean nothing to me. They don't affect me," she clicks her tongue, staring down at her nails.
"I didn't mean it," I sigh with a small proud smile.
"When have you ever said something, you don't mean?"
"Last night... and seven years ago."
She stands upright, her features softening considerably. "Would you like to come in? Our kids are still by my mama," a light blush coats her cheeks.
"I would love to," I step inside, and it smells homey. The aroma of brewed coffee fills the air along with the distant smell of toast and the lingering putrid smell of fried eggs.
The wall of the entrance is painted a cream color, lined with family photos and kids' drawings. It's the first thing you see when you walk in, proudly displayed to any visitor. She's a proud mama even though some of the drawings are different colored squiggles.
It's on display.
I follow her into the open floor plan living room where the walls transition into a different shade of cream tethering on the verge of light brown with two of her art pieces of the wilderness and a steady waterfall from high school hung proudly on the wall on either side of where we entered.
A black L-shaped sofa is nestled in the corner with a cherry wood coffee table in the center. A forty-inch television is mounted on the wall across from the sofa with an arch doorway. This house's layout is similar to all the houses surrounding the creek with some minor differences.
A few clothes scatter the white tiled floor leading to the hallway along with boxer briefs, a hot pink sheer bra, what was once a matching lacy thong and a pair of silver cuffs.
A smirk curls my lips, and her cheeks turn crimson as she picks up the discarded clothes and cuffs.
"It's the first time we've had a night to ourselves in over four months," a shy smile dances across her lips.
"I didn't say anything," I shrug, holding my hands up. "You have a beautiful home, Sar," I look around, spotting a transparent crate in the corner by the window covered in silver and black draperies filled with toys.
Multiple round marks from condensation dripping off glasses, stains the wood coffee table, right next to multiple brown coasters.
Hardly noticeable scratches line the corners and edges of the table. A pair of worn magazines with curled pages are piled under the table on an attached shelf right at the bottom.
Dishes pile up on the grey granite countertop right next to the double sink in front of a large window covered in silver blinds with an amazing view of the creek.
A kitchen island with a dark wood finish, matching the rest of the built in cupboards, separates the lounge from the kitchen with black leather barstools. A closed white laptop is placed on the counter with a frosted fruit bowl in the center. A photo frame is nestled in the corner where the counter meets the arch doorway leading to the rest of the house.
"Thank you but I'm sure you didn't come here to see our house."
"I want to apologize," I smile softly, crossing my arms over my chest in the hopes of creating a barrier.
"Like I said, it's water under the bridge."
"The last time I saw you seven years ago, I was angry, frustrated and hurt. I took what you said and twisted it to amplify the betrayal I was feeling. I was looking for one more excuse to leave and I used your words as ammunition. I'm so sorry, Sar. I knew you weren't defending Alec. I knew what you meant when you said he lost more 'cause he did," I pause, waiting for her to intervene but she remains silent.
"He lost his career, his passion, something he spent his entire high school career chasing and it all changed in a blink of an eye. He lost, we lost..." I trail off with a heavy gulp laden with sadness. "He was losing his sanity and his wife, and it all happened within a year."
"Still can't talk about?" She asks, motioning towards the sofa and I follow, sitting down.
"Not really," I laugh bitterly. "I haven't dealt with it how I was meant to. I pushed the pain away and I'm afraid if I dig it up, I'll shatter worse than that day."
Her green, round orbs fill with understanding as she places her hand on my thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "One day, you'll be able to talk about it without shattering."
"How do you know?" I ask, placing my hand over hers.
"I went through the same thing a year after you left."
"Fuck, why didn't you call me? I would've–"
"You know why," she interjects, a familiar sadness enters her orbs and a pang, shoots through my chest.
"I said something very hurtful that last morning we saw each other, and I want you to know, I never meant it. The moment I said those words I regretted it, but I was too angry and too hurt to do anything about it. I'm sorry, Sarah-Lynne."
Her arms wrap around me unexpectedly, catching me off guard. "I forgave you a long time ago."
"You did?" I hug her back just as tightly.
"Of course, I did. You're my best friend."
"That easy, huh?" I chuckle, pulling out of her embrace.
"You know I've never been one to hold a grudge," she laughs, leaning back into the sofa with her hands crossed over her stomach. "Or one to stand up to people," she snorts.
"I know. When you responded that way to me just now, I was lowkey impressed and so fucking proud," I smile worse than a Cheshire cat. "I always knew you had it in you."
"I guess we've all changed and grown."
"I guess so."
"Y'know, he stopped drinking the day you left? Went cold turkey."
"I didn't know."
"He went looking for you, he wanted to make things right, but he came back."
"He never contacted me."
"He didn't make it on the plane," she sighs sadly, crossing her ankles. "He never told us why either."
"Oh."
"Yeah, the day you walked away was the day Alec changed. It was an eye opener for him."
Her words unsettle something deep within me, forcing an unnerving feeling to radiate through my body and unhinge my mind. It brings forth a familiar yet strange, unrecognizable anger.
It took me walking away from the only man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, for him to change the things that ripped us to shreds.
It took me leaving for him to even realize he had a massive fucking problem.
But her words are eye opening.
An irrational sense of clarity washes over me and I realize how right I was to walk away from Alec.
How right I was to move on with my life.
With Justin.
A/N: It's always great when friends reconnect or forgive each other. Some friendships are forged with the toughest steel and some are forged with the most fragile glass. This one is way tougher than Telana thought.
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